[cllockhart]

I just found out I am pregnant and I really don't know what to do. I am 21 and still in school. I just can not be pregnant. I am not ready for this at all. I also do not think I can have an abortion. I just don't feel right about it. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we know we want to get married someday so I don't know if I can go through with giving my baby up for adoption.

I had no idea I was pregnant and just got back from a normal yearly exam where my doctor told me I was indeed pregnant. She said based on when my last period was I am probably about 5 weeks along. So I did miss my period but I also had surgery a month ago and they said my cycle could be off for the next couple months so that I wouldn't be alarmed. I just need some advice on my options. I seriously am so scared and don't know what to do.

Sorry about all this rambling but I literally found out less than an hour ago and don't have all my thoughts in order yet...

[Fr_Chuck]

If you have been having sex, yes you indeed can be pregnant, what methods of birth control were you using

[cllockhart]

I know I am pregnant. I just had my doctor's appointment and he said that I am for sure pregnant. I am asking for advice about what I should do now.

[cllockhart]

Please, I really need some help/advice/support from someone. I can not handle this alone. Please someone help me out with this.

[Silver Lining]

How about you ask your parents to look after your child for you until you are ready to take responsibility..

[rosemcs]

My first pregnancy was a surprise and it was before I was married. I was very scared and had horrible morning sickness and couldn't lose my Full-Time job. There is no way I would have an abortion either.

So, now will come a very difficult chapter in your life. The next eight months will require you to be very brave. You may be very sick too... but let's put this whole thing in a bigger perspective.

The pregnancy itself may not be too difficult--after all many women are in the same situation as you. You have plenty of time to decide if you would like to give the baby up for adoption or raise the love yourself.

Seven years later, I have a wonderful son that is the light of my life. He is my best friend and a part of me. Even though the initial impact was a surprise--and many pregnancies are surprises, it is a lifetime of a relationship that you will always have... your own child.

Hopefully, your man will support you and if not, there are still ways to survive without a man. This will test his inner core. The baby is a baby, a sweet little cutie, and may make you tired for a few years, but is a gift.

The most important thing for you is to find support through someone-be it family, friends, a group (maybe a social worker at a hospital will know or a maternity center). Maybe even your school has pregnant women that you can bond with a little.

It IS a heavy responsibility, but you can take it one day at a time... I would love to get a private message from you if you like and we can talk about it more. Your life does not have to be "over". You can still continue school during and after the baby. There are so many ways of getting a degree too now through online learning.

Where there is a will, there is a way.

[Alty]

There are only three options you have.

1. Having and keeping the child.
2. Abortion.
3. Adoption.

Here's the thing. You only found out about this 1 hour ago. Give yourself some time to let this sink in. Sleep on it for a night or two. Talk to your boyfriend because it's his baby too.

When you've had some time to get used to the idea that you're pregnant then look at your options. Talk to a counselor, go to planned parenthood, talk to your doctor. After you have all the info, make your decision.

It's not easy being a parent, but one thing I can tell you, there's never an "ideal" time to get pregnant. If you decide to keep this child I'm sure you can find a way to make it work. You're not a teen, you're an adult.

If you decide to abort then get all the information. Make sure that you're comfortable with this decision. It's not an easy choice. I can tell you that you will feel some remorse, a sense of loss if you go this route. Counseling afterwards is important.

The same goes with adoption.

Whatever you decide, make sure it's what you want, not what someone else wants.

If you need to talk we'll be here.

Good luck.

[cllockhart]

Thanks for that Altenweg and rosemcs. I know I am an adult but right now I feel like a child. I know that sounds weird but I have not stopped crying since I found out. I just am very overwhelmed and I feel like I have no one to talk to besides online people. I talked with my boyfriend but he says he is not ready for kids and thinks it would be best for me to have an abortion. I know that it is my choice whether I have an abortion but I know that I can't raise a child on my own. He loves me very much and I know that he will stick with me but I don't want him to not love our child. And worse I don't want to not love our child.

The worst part about this is I have always dreamed of being pregnant. I was so excited to get to that part of my life. But I feel it has come too early and now the day that is supposed to be the best and happiest day of my life has turned into the worst and saddest day of my life.

[Alty]

So what does your heart say? Can you go through an abortion? Is adoption an option at this point?

I do know how you feel, sort of. I have two kids. Both of them were planned. Then hubby and I had one drunken night of stupidity and bam, I got pregnant again. I wasn't happy about it at all. I cried, I screamed, I knew that we couldn't afford another child at that time. I was really upset.

I slept on it, got used to the idea, then I became exited about it. Then I was happy about it. Hubby was too.

When I was 3 months pregnant I lost the baby. I was devastated. Even though I know it wasn't logical, I thought that the uncertainty I had in the beginning caused the miscarriage. I felt so much guilt because of that moment of not wanting the baby.

Don't be too quick to decide right now. Give yourself some time. Look at your options. Let reality sink in. This is so fresh right now, for you, for your boyfriend.

Abortion isn't easy. It's something that will be with you forever. Not that it's not an option, because of course it is. It's your choice, and only yours. The thing is, there is a reality to abortion. You don't sound like the type of person that can just go in, get an abortion and walk away from it unscathed. You need to know that this will stay with you. You may not get over that choice.

The thing is, the other two choices will stay with you forever as well.

You need to research this. You need to talk it through. Is there someone that's not involved in this (not your boyfriend) that you can talk to? We can help you, we can listen, but I really think you need to talk to someone that you care about, someone you know, someone you trust, someone you can physically lean on.

For right now, sleep on it. Give yourself some time. The decision doesn't have to be made tomorrow. You have some time to make this choice.

We'll be here.

For now I do have to go to bed so please keep us posted, let us know how you're doing. We tend to worry. ;)

[rosemcs]

I was there too-and remember those difficult days. I have even further nightmares about not having a man there when I had another child that had heart problems. I had to think about my other children while the baby was in the hospital. I was alone in misery, but I met so many moms that had it worse! I went through that and now my baby is such a joy! Life does not have to be golden to welcome a child into the world. Even if you are married and have kids, there are a myriad of other "things" that can make you feel as if you can not bear the burden of another child.

The most important thing for you RIGHT NOW and in the months ahead is to FOCUS on taking care of your health. The other things will fall into place... it doesn't mean that your relationship will work out, but all other things are now secondary to you being able to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other and go through the day.

It is so important to find other people that have extreme hardship too. There are many around you... feel their pain too so that you can keep going. A time will come when it will not be so hard and you will be a million times stronger.

You have heard these clichés all your life, now it is time to put it into action. There is a baby now waiting for your love and whether this baby gets love from anyone else, ultimately, it is your love he/she is wanting... or to give to another through adoption.

And thank you for allowing us to share in a part of your life in this special time.

[cllockhart]

I want to keep him or her but I just don't know how I can afford it. I don't have a good job yet and I don't know when I will be able to get a good job with school and all. I just don't know if I can handle all of the responsibility that comes along with a baby. How can I finance it. I want to be responsible and I just feel it would be irresponsible for me to have a child at this time. My parents help me out with money right now and if I have a baby they will not help me anymore. Basically I would have no place to live and no place to go I just don't know how I can do this.

[rosemcs]

Look in the phone book under Maternity Homes and Abortion Alternatives. These people give time everyday to work in non-profit places to help people like you.. they will have many resources. You would be surprised at how many resources there are for you and how many are willing to help.

There are also adoption agencies willing to pay for all your expenses.

The state can also provide you with Financial Help. It takes a little time to do all the paperwork, but it is possible.

Can you please make one phone call to these places? They are confidential and very helpful. You are not alone in this. I had a very strong feeling to go to this website last night, thinking about a young woman that was in your situation, that needed help. Please make one call that could help you gain some ground.

You can't put up a brick wall yet, because of all the resources that are around. I live in N. CA. What state do you live in?

[Alty]

I want to keep him or her but I just don't know how I can afford it. I don't have a good job yet and I don't know when I will be able to get a good job with school and all. I just don't know if I can handle all of the responsibility that comes along with a baby. How can I finance it. I want to be responsible and I just feel it would be irresponsible for me to have a child at this time. My parents help me out with money right now and if I have a baby they will not help me anymore. Basically I would have no place to live and no place to go I just don't know how I can do this.

Have you even considered adoption yet?

If it's finances that you're worried about then why not have the baby and give that gift to someone else?

There are other options other then abortion.

[cllockhart]

Sorry I have been on vacation for a few days. But I have thought about adoption, but even if I am pregnant my parents won't help me anymore. The deal has always been that they will continue helping me with finances until I graduate college, or I get married or pregnant.

Plus I plan on marrying my boyfriend someday (after I graduate) and I don't know if myself or him could deal with knowing that we have a child somewhere out there in the world. I know that there is also always open adoption but I have known someone that gave her child up in an open adoption and then she got attached. It wasn't a bad thing that she got attached until the adoptive parents decide to move across the country and she couldn't do anything about it. I just am not sure that my boyfriend or I could deal with that.

[artlady]

Clearly ,there are no easy decisions here and every choice has its consequences.Lifelong consequences.
I think you should talk to your parents about this and get their input.
Regardless of what they have said in the past ,when faced with the reality of their grandchild ,their feelings will be different.
Talk to them and see what they have to say,they may have some insight that you did not consider.
Good luck!

[cllockhart]

I have one other thing that I need some advice for. I am curious as to when I should tell my parents. I was thinking of waiting until I am at least 12 weeks pregnant. I just don't know if I want to go through the battle with them if there is still a chance I could miscarry. A couple of years ago I took a hpt because I was a little late for my period and it came out positive, and then the next day I started bleeding. I naturally assumed that I had miscarried. I did not tell my parents about that instance and don't know if I should tell them about this until I am sure that it will be a full term pregnancy. I know that even after 12 to 13 weeks there is still a chance of miscarrying but I also know that the chance lowers.

Should I tell them now or should I hold out a little longer?

[Alty]

A few questions.

Do your parents know that you're sexually active? If so, then they should know that pregnancy is always a possibility, even if you use every birth control made by man, it's still possible. This may not be much of a shock if they already know that you're having sex.

Are you the only child? Do they have other children and do they have grandchildren?

I would tell them now. If you wait until 12 weeks then your options are less. You don't really want an abortion at 12 weeks if you can avoid it.

Talk to them. Sit them down, write down what you want to say so that emotions don't carry you away. Let them know that this wasn't something you planned and that you really need their support. Tell them that you're thinking of abortion, that you're also thinking of keeping the child but that you have concerns. List those concerns, the number one being that you don't think you can afford a child and school and you think that they'll cut you off if you do have the child.

Talk to them, they're people too and trust me, I'm sure they made mistakes growing up. :)

[ohsohappy]

At the school that I go to, there is a pretty cheap (if not free) child care center. Maybe look around your school and see if they have one there as well.

If you are at an expensive university, I suggest that you finish off this year, and possibly switch to a less expensive community college with a childcare center.

If you have not already filed for financial aid, do so. THis will help you pay for your schooling while you are coming to term.
I would at least finish off the school year there, seeing as you have 8 months until the child is born. And then do as I suggested above.
Also, you might be able to apply for WIC, it can help you feed your child.

Here's a link for that.
WIC

Should you choose to keep this child, there are many means of support that you can get help from, especially if daddy doesn't stick around. (I really hope that he does)
I wish you the best of luck.

[cllockhart]

They do know that I'm sexually active, we just haven't really discussed it much. I am an only child so I know this will be a huge thing for them. I have been doing a lot of thinking about this over the past few days and know that I do not want an abortion. I know that I could never live with myself if I did that. Now I just have to convince my boyfriend that it is best for me not to get an abortion. But he loves me and has told me he will continue loving me and support me through any decision I make.

I am a freaking coward though, and I am scared to death to tell my parents! I know that sounds stupid and childish but I am terrified. My mother and I have not always had the best relationship but in the past couple years we have been closer than ever before. I just don't want to do anything to jeopardize that relationship if I can help it.

[ohsohappy]

I am a freaking coward though, and I am scared to death to tell my parents! I know that sounds stupid and childish but I am terrified. My mother and I have not always had the best relationship but in the past couple years we have been closer than ever before. I just don't want to do anything to jeopardize that relationship if I can help it.

I have the feeling that your mom will be more understanding than you think. She is your mother, and she loves you, maybe when you talk to her say something like
"mom, I have to talk to you, Please don't say anything until I'm finished, I'm really scared right now, and I need you now more than I ever have, Mom, I'm pregnant, Please, I need you to be here for me"
You'd be surprised at the reaction you'd get.
She will be shocked, surprised, and possibly a little disappointed, but she will be glad that you were able to come to her. This might even bring you closer, because she will be able to advize you on something that she has already experienced.
Honestly, I'm sure that somewhere in the back of her mind, she's knows you're going to tell her someday anyway, just because it's sooner than anticipated doesn't mean she'll love you any less.