[rain6]

This is a rather long and complicated story, but I would appreciate any feedback from anyone prepared to read it!

At the beginning of the year I broke up with my ex because I was moving to Europe to do an internship for a year. We agreed that we should be free to be with other people, but we would stay friends and give the relationship another shot when I got home. However, our relationship for the first 4 months we were apart was really more of a long distance relationship than a friendship- we still told each other we loved each other, I still thought of him as my boyfriend. That is, until I started finding that I thought of him less and less, and that saying "I love you", was something done out of habit, not because I really loved him.

We didn't talk for about 2 weeks and in this time I met an amazing new guy (I'll call him John), at a week-long music festival. We had a great connection and I wanted to enjoy the little time I had with him, so when he asked me about my relationship status, I told him that I had had a boyfriend back at home, but that we were now broken up and were nothing but friends. I didn't think much of it at the time as I thought once the week was over I might never see John again (he was moving to Africa 5 days after the festival ended!), but this lie turned out the have a huge effect on the course of our relationship. At the end of the week, John had to fly back to another city to prepare for his trip. I decided at the last minute to go with him to his city, in order to spend another 4 days with him. Those 4 days were amazing - until the last day when John quizzed me further about the relationship I had with my ex, I cracked and the truth came out, that my ex and I were still in a quasi-LDR, although without the official 'relationship' status. John was devastated that I'd lied to him and left to Africa the next day.

After countless hours on Skype, John and I decided that we could move on from this betrayal and have a go at being together, on the condition that I promised to be completely honest with him from then on. I found a job and decided to move to be with him in Africa for 2 months. However, I still found it very hard to let go of thoughts of my ex, who was devastated when I told him that I'd met somebody else. After knowing John for such a short time, I found myself wondering whether he would turn out to be the right guy for me, and I did wonder whether I'd made the right decision to leave my ex. We had had a great relationship and I'd expected we would get married, and now I was facing a completely different future to the one that I'd imagined.

A few weeks before I left to Africa, my ex texted me saying that he still loved me, which confused me further. I couldn't figure out if my feelings for him were just residual attachment as a result of being together for 2 years, or indicative that he was the guy I truly wanted to be with, and that I'd made a mistake to pursue things with John. I didn't tell John about the text, because I was confused about how it made me feel and didn't want to have a fight about it (we had just recovered from an argument that arose out of me calling my ex to wish him a happy birthday). I was aware that this was effectively going against my promise to be completely honest with John, but I thought that he wouldn't understand if I told him that I was finding it difficult to let go of thoughts of my ex, and that sometimes I doubted our relationship.

Two days after my arrival in Africa, John was helping me put credit onto my African simcard. He started to go through my text messages to see what messages from him I'd saved. I was fine with this, until I saw my ex's message come up on the screen. I freaked out, ripped the phone off him and deleted the message. When John asked if I'd deleted something, I lied and said no. But he could see that I was lying and so I cracked and told him that my ex had texted me. He was extremely upset, said that I'd betrayed him yet again and was ready for me to leave Africa. He said that if I was serious about staying, then it would be a good guesture to email my ex saying that if he was going to text me things like that, then we couldn't be friends. I did so, but felt terrible doing so. I felt like I was slapping my ex in the face and also, I must admit, I was scared of cutting him off completely. I still wondered if things were going to work with John, and I guess wanted to hold onto the safety net of having a 'back up boyfriend'. So I later emailed my ex a further message explaining why I'd emailed him like that, telling him that yes, I did still think of him and wonder if I'd made the right decision, but that I did really want to focus on my relationship with John and so wouldn't talk to him until I was back home, at least. Once again, I was aware I was betraying my promise to John, but I thought that this email would be the last contact with my ex and if he was gone from my life, then I could focus on John and fall in love with him. My ex did write back, joking about what a control freak John sounded like, and that he was happy to keep emailing me if I couldn't speak on Skype, if John would allow it. I wasn't impressed by the mocking tone of his email and didn't want to prolong the contact with him, so I didn't reply.

Two weeks later, John and I were preparing to settle down to watch a film on my laptop. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and when I returned to the bedroom, I found John, looking at my laptop in tears. When I asked what was wrong, he showed me what he'd been reading - I'd left my Gmail account open and he'd read the email exchange between my ex and I. He yelled at me to get out and got straight onto the net, to book me a flight home. He said I was a liar, a con artist, a complete fake, that he'd been falling for me and all my lies and that I was the worst, most selfish person he'd ever met. I knew that it was over, as when John had found out about the text I'd told him that I knew that if I betrayed him again, it would be over. Six hours later I was on a plane back to Europe.

Now I am absolutely devastated. I see that the feelings I had for my ex were just lingering from the past, and that I let my insecurites control me. I was so afraid of ending up alone that I treated both my ex and John as options, rather than actual people. I was always looking out for myself, instead of the person who should have been my priority, John. My actions were incredibly selfish and I wish I could go back to the beginning and start again. What bothers me is how easily I was able to look John in the face and lie to him, repeatedly. I miss him terribly and can't believe I was such a fool to take him for granted.

I would like to hear anybody's opinion on the situation, what they think the main problem is, and what sort of things I could do to improve myself. I always thought I was a good person, but after looking at what I've done, I feel absolutely despicable, and I don't want to make a mistake like this ever again. Also, I know it might be futile to try get back with John, but what do you think - what steps could I take to show him that I'm serious about changing and becoming a better person?

Thanks for reading and any insight you might be able to give me!

[julietmarie]

Well, you sure messed up! Think how YOU would feel if you found those emails. OUCH! You may NEVER gain the trust back of those you betrayed. The only thing you can do, right now, is make the decision to be honest. Not to be mean, but if John were my son I'd tell him to run from you fast and never look back. I think you would say the same to your child (young adult) if that happened to them.

For now, All the "talk" to John and others about how you intend to change etc.etc. mean nothing.

Only your actions count. You need to get back yourself dignity and respect first before someone else can trust and respect you. You do this by ALWAYS being 100% honest at all costs. That's it. It's not easy but really that simple. Be the person you want to find in your life.

And, beating yourself up, trying to find the reasons "why" you did what you did is a waste of time. Move on from this second forward in being honest, true and no more game playing. That's all you can do. John may never come back to you but consider your past and now your future actions as part as your preparation for the wonderful man you ultimately end up with! Maybe that will be John but if not, it will be someone very special just waiting for a very special, honest, true woman like yourself. Good luck!

[rain6]

My boyfriend and I broke up after I hurt him really badly, as a result of my indecisiveness and insecurities. He said that I should leave (I went to another country to be with him) and take some time to figure out my issues, which, although it was painful, I see now was the best thing for me as I really did need some time alone to think about what I wanted. Yesterday (two weeks after I left the country) I emailed him talking about some of the things that I'd figured out, essentially saying that I missed him terribly but that I was still dealing with issues from my last break up (I'd pretty much gone from one relationship into another, and hadn't had time to really get over it). He called me and was upset that I hadn't done anything to really show him that I was willing to still fight for him, even though he'd carried the relationship from the beginning. He said he loved me and missed me, but that he couldn't give anything more of himself and so he was walking away.
In the time that I've had apart from him, I've realized how much I love him and can't bear the thought of being without him. I know I still have issues to work through, but I don't want to walk away from him without knowing I gave it my best shot. So my question is, should I fly to see him (this involves about a days' travel, to a different continent, and is not a cheap flight), even though I don't know if he's going to shut the door in my face once I arrive? It sounds extreme, and I don't know if I'm being crazy, but I feel like I need to do something big to show him I really care, because it's true that in the past I've never really put myself on the line for him (when he has swallowed his pride several times to go out of his way for me). Or will I just be making it harder for him to let me go when he's already told me it's over? I know he loves me, and I love him, isn't that worth fighting for?

[itried]

Don't do it.

It's way too over the top and desperate to just fly out to another continent to profess your love or whatever.

Would make for an Oscar worthy scene in a movie, but an absolute disaster in real life.

Again: DON'T.

[sully123]

I don't know if I would fly to another couuntry and spend all that money, for him to shut the door in my face. Isn't there other ways you two could have contact? He told you it was over, and that would kind of put the handwriting on the wall for me. Going from one relationship to another isn't healthy. It sounds to me you jumped in this last one too fast and hadn't healed from the first one.

[rain6]

I know he really loves me though, and I feel the same way. If I leave it now then, and don't go, could there ever be a chance for us again in future? Or do I have to accept that because I was unsure and afraid before, it's over forever, even though I know exactly what I want now?

Another thing, when we spoke he said "every time I hear the doorbell ring or my phone beep, I can't stop myself from hoping it's you, telling me that you've come back. I wish you had have done." Doesn't that make a difference?

[itried]

If he said it's over then you have to respect that. Don't go trying to read between the lines for hidden meanings. He knows what he said and the consequences that come with it. The ball is in his court now so let him play with it how he wants. By thrusting yourself on him you're going to push him away farther. Trust me. All you can and should do is sit back, work on yourself, and fully accept that it is over for now. If he does decide to give it another shot it may be too late because you've moved on or you can try again. The important thing is that you fully come to terms with what has happened, learn from it and make an informed decision based on what is best for you. Believe me, chasing after him won't be worth it. If you get him back, you've lost all power in the relationship. If you don't you have lost your self-respect. Neither option sounds too appealing to me.

[talaniman]

You should be working on your issues so someday you can be a good partner to the right person.

There is plenty of time to make decisions about someone who has dumped you, when you have a clearer head, guilt free, and secure in yourself, with dignity, and self respect.

[Gemini54]

I'm going to go against the opinions of the previous posters.

Go. Book the flight and knock on his door.

You've been an idiot and he, rightly, has pulled back out of fear of being hurt. You've realized that you're a fool and that you need to convince him of your good intentions. You do however, need to be really honest with yourself - are you doing this for the right reasons,or just because you can't have him?

In any case, if you go then you will know precisely how he feels - and if you come back disappointed it will be the biggest lesson in your life so far.

There is only one way to find out. Go.

[amicon]

I'm with the majority on this one, as I think you need to work on yourself and recover from the dramas around your two breakups.
You should let all the emotional dust settle before you make any decisions.