[paxe]

That's why you don't break NC. Tell your friend next time to take the picture and shove it up his a$$. Seriously tell your friends you don't want to hear about her. Healing and getting over takes time.

[Jake2008]

That's one of the things that I don't like about this 'no contact' theory. It's all fine and dandy when you have control over it, but when you don't, this is what happens.

Millions will disagree with me.

Life has a way of kicking your butt when you least expect it. When you are in a place where you feel safe from being hurt because you have protected yourself from contact as best you can, suddenly a friend sends you a picture. Your protective bubble is shattered, and the emotions come rushing back again. As you said, it all becomes fresh in your mind again.

It's like skinning your knee playing baseball. You need a bandaide to stop the bleeding. You decide that you don't need the bandaide to stop the bleeding, and take it off. You are still bleeding.

Nature has a way of allowing for pain, in all shapes, and under all circumstances. Mostly it has to do with processing information, reflecting on the information, and moving past it. You can't avoid living, and you can't avoid curveballs, you just have to deal with them. You can minimize your injuries, say by not playing baseball for a while, but eventually, you do, and you have to accept that you could be hurt.

It is only common sense that you will protect yourself, emotionally and otherwise, and minimize what you can, but you can only protect yourself to a certain degree. Being prepared for the unexpected is the key to not sliding back to the beginning because you will have learned that these curveballs are going to come, and you have no choice.

I think your friend decided that a reality slap would 'snap you out of it', so he sent the picture. But that has opened up another can of worms you weren't expecting. It is natural to reflect on the good and bad, and unnatural not to be affected by it, just because you think you shouldn't be. It is what it is.

While these things will happen from time to time when you least expect it, each time it does, it will get easier. Six months from now you might bump into her unexpectedly at a wedding, or in the grocery store. Your impression will be a bit of a shock, maybe awkward, but you will carry on, and not be so affected by it, for such a long period.

Like any loss, time is on your side, because eventually nature has a way of allowing you to heal. One thing you will never be able to do is stick your finger in a leak in a damn, because another leak will pop out, and eventually the force will knock you on your rear again. You can't stop moving on and putting road blocks up, because they will eventually tumble.

Accept that these things will happen no matter what you do. People have good intentions, but things are sometimes not received the way they were intended. Think about that picture, go back down memory lane if you have to, then walk over the bridge, and toss the picture out in recycling.

Each time will be easier. It isn't wrong to think the way you do, any loss has its aftermath.

One day at a time.

[tragedy]

I've been trying to do a lot of things to distract myself from thinking of her ever since that picture incident. Somehow, it didn't work. It's like I'm back to square one - panic, worried etc, which I do not want because it really affects my life. And to a certain extend, I kind of miss her but I know we will never be together again no matter how much I wish to have her back. Regardless what happens, I know that I shouldn't and will not break the NC rule, as I have chased her pretty much far away with my previous actions - clingy, desperate, needy, had done a lot of pleadings too and of course she no longer talks to me anymore after that. I really want to heal but each time I think of her, I get weak inside and thoughts like 'why does she hate me that much?' will somehow haunt me. Is this normal?

[amicon]

When you're starting to think that way,make sure you go and do something that takes your mind off your thoughts.
Keeping superbusy and doing things you enjoy will help you move forward instead of staying stuck on square one.

[talaniman]

While its normal to have those fleeting thoughts of an idle mind, we have to get busy with our time with small goals, to overcome them.

Life knocks us down at times, and we find ourselves on square one, but we don't have to stay there. We can pick ourselves up, dust your a$$ off, and take steps that lead to square two.

Being stuck at square one is a choice you make for yourself. Now dust your a$$ off, and make a move forward.

[tragedy]

I think I'm getting a little crazy. We have separated for months, and I thought I have made it through. But now I realized that I still love her. I know this sounds crazy but I really do. I'm still sticking to NC because I know she has already moved on and pretty much happy about it. I wonder how can I fix myself up when I'm emotionally down. At times I wish I could make her see that she's the one I want to spend my whole life with. I know it's crazy to hang on or wait for someone who doesn't even want me/love me and totally cuts me off just like that. I feel so helpless...

[amicon]

Can you see that this is you allowing these feelings? Instead of feeling helpless make plans DO things

[Jake2008]

Think of an addiction to, say, alcohol. You make the decision to quit drinking, attend counselling, or a 12 step program, and stay sober completely for 10 months. Then, you have a really, really bad day. Your car gets smashed up, a bus runs over your dog, your kid gets arrested for shoplifting, and you forgot to pay your cell phone bill, and they cut you off. It's just too much. You walk past a bar, go in, and get hammered.

It takes you two days in bed to recover, and you are feeling horrible. You think that you now have to start all over again, right from the beginning, and go through all the relentless agony of becoming sober again.

You are wrong.

What you have done is relapsed. You made a slip, slid back into that place where you didn't want to be but ended up anyway. You drank your *ss off, and regret every second of it. But, you have 10 months under your belt, of clean living, and there is no way you are going to lose what you gained from that entire period, just for one slip up. You have to expect that it is more likely than not for most people, to have a relapse, and you have to be prepared for it. Even if you don't actually physically drink, the state of mind that put you there will return and you have to recognize that you are very close to drinking, and make changes in order not to.

In your case, you have to realize that you too, will relapse. You will start feeling better, and then out of the apparent blue, you are back in that helpless, confused place again, and mistake that for failure, or interpret that as a sign that it isn't over. It's much like taking a pill, you feel better, then stop taking the pills.

Don't consider that you have not covered a lot of ground, because you have. There are no straight lines to success here, it is a windy, bumpy road, filled with giant potholes. You will have really good success for a few days, or months, and then get knocked off the road. If the car isn't damaged, are you going to leave the car anyway, and walk 25 miles home? Or are you going to get back in the car, back on the road, and keep going.

You cannot predict when you will feel this way. There is no defining moment when a glowing stream of light from heaven lights the way to a victory party because you are finally successful. 10 years down the road you may get melancholy and sad when you think of this time in your life. But, you will have amassed 10 years, and feeling sad then, won't erase the fact that you lived your life in the meantime right?

You are not helpless as long as you realistically think of what the future holds for you. You know that from time to time you are going to feel rotten, but eventually, you will feel far better most of the time, and rotten only occasionally, and the bad feelings won't last as long.

A relapse isn't the end of healing, it is merely a small bump in the road.

[anotherheartbreaker]

Jake, you're right. I think she's worse than drugs. I just can't stop thinking of her despite the fact that she seeing another man now and that makes me really really want to get her back. Maybe I'm a little insecure but I'm sure that I love her very much. I was so tempted to ask her if I stand another chance knowing that she will say 'No' because our relationship ended up very nasty where her parents were involved. I'm seriously doomed!

[tragedy]

Heartbreaker, I know it's crazy. My ex is currently seeing someone else too and I feel like running back to her again and ask for a second chance. But then again, I'm damn sure she will say that I don't deserve that chance anymore. I'm currently in a confused state of mind. Should I even ask her back even after what she had done to me? I love her, I really do. Should I try my luck again or leave it as it is? This healing road is extremely bumpy for me and I wonder when this is going to end.

[friend4u178]

Tragedy

I hope you read Jakes post above , read it again and take in the message.

[vanheart]

I agree, Jakes post rocks.

The healing road has to begin first. One with realization, then after with commitment to yourself.

To be strong and willful. Not to wish her back, or try anything that you already know will hurt you, like begging.

You need to get yourself back & realize the amazing things that are in store for you.

She is not your end all.

As much as this hurts, things change. We have to accept them & roll. Learn from them and hopefully that will have positive bearings on who you are, and the future relationships that are to come. Not just romantic ones, all relationships.

BTW, read friend4u178's signature.

[tragedy]

Thanks guys. I've been reading Jake's post again and again, trying to remind myself that I've got to keep moving on. Sadly and unexpectedly, I bumped into her - bad day. I guess she's just back from her vacation... oh well, with another man. I was so tempted to say hello but somehow I passed by with my head down. I was so afraid to look at her. As usual, we both acted like strangers and I can still feel her anger. Maybe not too much or maybe I over analyzed. I have a feeling that she still hates me and without any doubts wants nothing to do with me. Seriously, I know this may sounds like I'm out of my mind, I don't mind being friends with her again but I can tell that she no longer wants to be friends with me anymore. I'm still keeping my NC and everyday is getting harder and harder to pass by.

[amicon]

It's good you're sticking to the NC-you must believe that it will get better. We've all been there and know this.

[Jake2008]

I used to fret, and not let thoughts go. Even when exhausted with brain overload, I'd push and push for answers, and of course, they never came, and the thoughts never settled.

Acceptance is not easy. It is not easy to accept that your child has a life long disability, or that your mate has been unfaithful, or the best friend you ever had died, as mine did, far too young. Sometimes life will throw you things that nearly kill you.

What I learned was to do this little trick with my mind. Picture a set of scales in your mind. One one side, place all you know to be true. That might include that the relationship is over, or that your final grade in a course is what it is despite having studied for three weeks, or that you will never own a cottage, or you really did put a lampshade on your head and act like an idiot at the company Christmas party.

On the other side of the of the scale, replace each fact, with acceptance. It may take some time to let the lampshade incident go, but when you decide enough is enough already, put the lampshade in the balancing side of the scale.

Next put all the other thoughts that you have no chance of changing, also in the balancing side of the scale.

Eventually, every thought you obsess over, will balance out with acceptance.

Then take a step back and take a good look at that scale.

You may even be angry looking at it because you don't want to let it go!!

But, there it is. It is balanced. Accepting all the things that you cannot change, balances out with all the thoughts that have kept you pre-occupied, and not moving forward.

And why do you need to do that, identify, deal with, and balance these things that affect your life so much?

Because you have a life to live. To keep what eats at you like a ball and chain around your ankles, will leave you dragging your subconscious around and around the same familiar block.

Imagine what you want. You want to be free from the self-imposed physical and psychological weight right? You want to balance each thing that worries you, with due weight it deserves.

When something happens, such as you passing her in the street. Put the incident on once side of the scale, and think about how to balance it. Realize the truth- you had a reaction, you want to kick your own butt for it, you feel anger, and you feel hurt. On the other side of the scale, concentrate on balancing that experience by putting acceptance in there; accept that you have no control over running into her unexpectedly, accept that you are angry with yourself for allowing such a dramatic slip, accept the incident is over, and the scale will balance itself.

Then it's over. You slipped, you put far more importance on the event than what balances with the reality of the situation, and you've learned to balance it all out.

The next time will be easier, and the next time after that.

The key here to success, will be your willingness to change your thinking.

You will need to be more of an observer of clinical hard facts, than an emotional participant with that ball and chain.

Try even writing it all out on paper. Draw a line down the middle of the page, and head each side with 'what thoughts bother me', and detail it.

Then on the other side, when you process what happened, accept that you have no control over events, but you DO have control over how you respond to it, write down, "accepted", like a stamp of approval. Allow yourself to accept everything in the list as the truth, accept it, check it off the list, and then it will settle with some balance.

Doing this works for me, that is why I'm passing it along to you.

There is nothing in this world I would have not done for my lifelong friend, absolutely nothing. But, in the end, I had to accept all the variables I had no control over, and balance that with the way I was dealing with it. Only then did I come to terms, and was peaceful with myself again.

Acceptance is not easy as I've said, but you really must put a plan in play here to actually do something about how you are feeling. You are in charge, nobody else. All the best intentions in the world of the most compassionate and understanding people, will not solve these problems for you.

[tragedy]

Thanks Jake. Your post does help a lot. A lot! I'm feeling loads better today. I totally agree with you about acceptance. I guess I was and still in denial that the relationship is over. I'm working on it. But there's one thing I still don't understand. Usually dumper doesn't need to go on NC. Why does she needs to cut me off just like that?

[amicon]

You need to accept that that question won't be answered and that it doesn't matter what her motives are-what matters is your life,your healing and your moving forward.

[friend4u178]

But there's one thing I still don't understand. Usually dumper doesn't need to go on NC. Why does she needs to cut me off just like that?

The Dumper had been thinking about the break for a long time before it actually happened , therefore their emotional turmoil had been dealt with by the time it happened. There is also an amount of guilt for them for dumping you and by staying away from you the guilt doesn't keep rearing it's ugly head.

[talaniman]

Originally Posted by tragedy
But there's one thing I still don't understand. Usually dumper doesn't need to go on NC. Why does she needs to cut me off just like that?

That's her way of moving beyond all this, and I recommend NC for dumpees, and dumpers. They both need to heal, and not be stuck in the past.

[tragedy]

I should have seen the signs much earlier. There was once she told me that it's easy to like someone. I didn't quite agree with what she said. You guys get what I mean? I was her #11 boyfriend. It's sad isn't it. I was so curious about the guy she is dating now and I got my friend to open up his Facebook to look at her profile. There you go. I know I'm opening up another can of worms. But there's one thing I realized from this - there's nothing I can do about it anymore. She's gone, long gone and I'm worth nothing to her. No matter how much I want to make her see that she's the one for me, I know she won't feel what I'm feeling now. It's sad but to accept that it's already over is indeed really hard. I have a long way to go...