[JBeaucaire]

I think what you are doing here is the real cause of dissension in the workplace, not what he is doing.

You're there to work and be productive. Spending time on this stuff (which happens all the time everywhere, so I know I'll get some reaction on this... ) actually sets the stage for so much unneeded pain in the workplace.

It is just as reasonable for you to be forgiving and accepting and unoffended by the tics and quirks of your colleagues as it is for you to get all "what's his problem?" about it. It really is.

Getting along in the workplace is not an exercise in getting others to behave (which is the tack too many people take, fueling the dissension), it is an exercise in us learning tolerance, forgiveness, perseverance and acceptance.

Once you learn that other's oddities don't actually have to impact you deeply, you're already miles ahead of the rest of the pack. Imagine having that skill when someone REALLY tries to hurt you, and can't. Now THAT'S the ticket!

[artlady]

If he is a mean spirited individual perhaps he finds it amusing that you would think he cares at all about your serious issues.
His snikering is an outward snub and a sarcastic response.
I would refrain from sharing anything personal with him in the future.

[Evgb]

JBeaucaire :

What exactly am I doing that is wrong? I am just trying to understand WHY he behaves the way he does. I DO work, and I AM productive. He IS mean and nasty, and that is why I wonder why he smirks when I tell him something serious. It seems to me that he has some issues. You really don't know anything about me; I AM a tolerant, forgiving, and very accepting person. However, I do not like being disrespected, because I do not deserve it. This man has been very disrespectful towards me in the past (and present). I am just trying to figure out why he does what he does.

[Evgb]

artlady:

I agree. The thing is, I try not to volunteer any personal information, but he is very nosy. So, trying to make conversation, be polite, and not be disrespectful, I answer his questions. Sometimes it leads to him snickering. I am just going to try not to pay attention to it, until I can get another job. (The whole place is pretty disfunctional, and I'm realizing that I don't have to deal with it anymore.)

[justcurious55]

Well, did you ever tell him that? Sometimes that's just people's nature. I tease a lot of my coworkers. But I know there are limits, and I know when I need to stop or when I've gone too far. Mostly I know because of people's complaints about others jokes. Instead of telling the person that made the "joke" though, they complain to other people about it. And that really doesn't do anything for the situation. You're unhappy. Others sense you're unhappy. But because you don't tell them why you're unhappy, they continue the behavior.

[JBeaucaire]

Evgb, I've been in management for years so I am speaking from that standpoint. Please understand I am not arguing with you, I'm pointing out an important skill that is probably far more important than understanding anything about one particular negative-personality employee you have to deal with.

If you think that others should change their behaviors because you "deserve" for them to do it, I'm sorry, I've seen SO MANY problems over the years stemming from this thought process. And hear me when I say your thoughts are reflected by many, many others.

I've just watched it do more damage than good over the years. Truly. And it's sad because you and them weren't wrong in your observations or your desires, only ineffective in getting the result you want.

People don't want to change. They don't. They think what they think, they act the way they act, and they are what they are. C'est la vie!

I hear people say all the time, "I wish so and so had just told me they were unhappy about ____", and you know what?. They're lying, to themselves and to you when they say it. It's the trap, "Do these pants make me look fat?" There's just no safe answer.

But I digress. I'm pointing out that what you CAN do is control how these people impact you. You can choose to laugh at it and move on with your day, or you can analyze and it try to "understand" them to no point. What you really mean is "understand it so I can get them to stop somehow."

That's not going to happen, probably. But you can build up your immunity to it, that you can do.

And hear me say this last thing so you understand, I'm on your side. I want you to succeed. I am suggesting that the way to get to the peace you want, however, exists in understanding yourself, not understanding him.

[MsMewiththat]

MY thought on this is really that it is so hard to understand why other people do what they do and sometimes a waster of energy that could be focused elsewhere. It's hard not to be consumed with "other people's stuff". However, I think JBeaucaire was attempting to get you to try. Try to pay less attention to his issues. Clue him in on a need to know basis and never let him see you sweat. It's possible that he is reacting to your reaction or your body language of feeling obligated to tell him. OR maybe he is attempting to show a lighter side and isn't aware of how it comes off. None the less try not to let it ruffle your feathers.

[artlady]

artlady:

I agree. The thing is, I try not to volunteer any personal information, but he is very nosy. So, trying to make conversation, be polite, and not be disrespectful, I answer his questions. Sometimes it leads to him snickering. I am just going to try not to pay attention to it, until I can get another job. (The whole place is pretty disfunctional, and I'm realizing that I don't have to deal with it anymore.)

I am an outspoken person so I would be asking him very directly"Did I say something funny"? Or "Do you normally smile when someone tells you something that is unpleasant"?

Those are both legitimate questions and I don't think its rude to ask them.

Having said that ,I do think your best bet is to find employment (if you can) in a more people orientated environment.

I have found over the years that you need to put work and your workplace relationships in a unique category

Don't expect anything from them except the paycheck and you won't be disappointed.
Best of luck !

[Evgb]

I see your point.

[Evgb]

Evgb, I've been in management for years so I am speaking from that standpoint. Please understand I am not arguing with you, I'm pointing out an important skill that is probably far more important than understanding anything about one particular negative-personality employee you have to deal with.

If you think that others should change their behaviors because you "deserve" for them to do it, I'm sorry, I've seen SO MANY problems over the years stemming from this thought process. And hear me when I say your thoughts are reflected by many, many others.

I've just watched it do more damage than good over the years. Truly. And it's sad because you and them weren't wrong in your observations or your desires, only ineffective in getting the result you want.

People don't want to change. They don't. They think what they think, they act the way they act, and they are what they are. C'est la vie!

I hear people say all the time, "I wish so and so had just told me they were unhappy about ____", and you know what?....They're lying, to themselves and to you when they say it. It's the trap, "Do these pants make me look fat?" There's just no safe answer.

But I digress. I'm pointing out that what you CAN do is control how these people impact you. You can choose to laugh at it and move on with your day, or you can analyze and it try to "understand" them to no point. What you really mean is "understand it so I can get them to stop somehow."

That's not going to happen, probably. But you can build up your immunity to it, that you can do.

And hear me say this last thing so you understand, I'm on your side. I want you to succeed. I am suggesting that the way to get to the peace you want, however, exists in understanding yourself, not understanding him.

I recognize that I have the ability to not let it bother me, and it does not bother me so much; I am just curious, really. Believe me, there are many things that this man does, and ways that he acts that seem either bizarre or disrespectful to me, and most of the time, I look the other way or laugh. I practice the "skill" of letting things roll off my back daily. I don't think that my question was all that serious; I was just wondering why because I am an inquisitive person. I can live with it; there are much worse things.
I do not think that others should change their behaviors because of what I do or do not deserve. I do however know myself and what I do and do not deserve. I believe that people do not change unless they desire change.
If someone who you see on a daily basis is disrespectful to you, do you say to yourself, "The way this person is behaving towards me is not going to impact me at all, I'm going to laugh it off, and that will result in me getting what I want." ? If you do this, people will continually walk on you like a doormat. Don't get me wrong, I do UNDERSTAND what you are saying. I have taken classes in psychology. However, I don't really feel that my simple little question required the analytical, in-depth, psycho-analysis that you gave me. I guess what I'm saying is, it really isn't that much of a big deal.

[Evgb]

I am an outspoken person so I would be asking him very directly"Did I say something funny"? or "Do you normally smile when someone tells you something that is unpleasant"?

Those are both legitimate questions and I don't think its rude to ask them.

Having said that ,I do think your best bet is to find employment (if you can) in a more people orientated environment.

I have found over the years that you need to put work and your workplace relationships in a very unique category

Don't expect anything from them except the paycheck and you won't be disappointed.
Best of luck !

I agree; those are legitimate questions. I am just not very outspoken, which is why I haven't said anything. I mean, this really isn't that big of a deal; I don't really let it bother me or act offended or anything. I was just curious why he might be doing that (it does seem odd). I am going to look for another job; for many other reasons. Thanks.

[Alty]

Personally I'd just ignore him.

If he wants to talk tell him that you're busy working and don't have the time. After all, that's what you're being paid to do, you're not being paid to tell someone about your about with H1N1.

If he persists then complain. There has to be someone higher up then him.

Just do your job. You're not there to make friends, or to converse, you're there to work. If you concentrate on your job and not the people around you, I think that you'll be much happier.

[JBeaucaire]

Ok then, I guess when you came here and asked us all to help you understand "why" somebody we don't know as well as you behaves the way he does, I mistakenly took that for an opportunity for analytical, in-depth, psycho-analysis.

I apologize for not making something up about him and generalizing about others in a non-helpful way and accidentally turning the conversation back to ourselves, since I often do that... mostly because I believe talking about people we don't know and/or can't control to be far less useful way to spend time than talking about our own motives/reactions... something we can do something about.

So, again, sorry I mistook your question about personality and reasons he does things and talked about anything but him. My bad. I was trying to help, and clearly stumbled.

[Evgb]

Hope you don't mind a dissenting opinion here. Sometimes, especially in a closed bubble environment like the workplace, you have to "go along to get along".

I'm not sure you're going to gain anything except ill-will by trying to train them to leave you alone on this topic. I can state with 98% certainty they do not mean anything offensive by it. And as such, being offended is actually a personal decision. It is just as reasonable for you to opt to not be bothered.

Not wanting to debate the merits of your eating choices is fine, and I agree you can find ways to not engage them when they bring it up. But I have to suggest that you do it without a confrontation.

The first best approach is always going to be humor. You can indicate you're not interested in talking seriously about a topic by NEVER answering with anything other than a silly comment back.

Boss: "What you eating today?"
You: "Whatever the warden packed"

Boss: "Where's the protein?"
You: "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to eat you."

Boss: "How many calories in that?"
You: "Probably none, you have to pay extra for calories and I'm still waiting for my raise to come through. Bite?"

Boss: "Just a salad?"
You: (looking down in shock) "Holy cow, someone stole my lobster!?"

I already decided that I am not going to say anything. I wasn't going to try and "train" them to leave me alone; I was going to address it directly. However, that is unrealistic. I am not very outspoken, and I would rather not say anything than come-off in a way that would offend them. I avoid confrontation whenever possible; I am a very laidback, easy going person.
To quote you: "Being offended is actually a personal decision." : I never said that I was OFFENDED. However, I do not want to be interrogated about my eating habits. I do not want to have to explain my food choices every day either, nor should I have to.
I should add that this has been happening for over a year now. Almost every day. I think that after that long, it would get on anyone's nerves. It really takes a lot to annoy me. I usually let things roll off my back.
If they ask what I'm eating, I'm just going to quote them, and say something like, "Just my usual bird-food". (They have called it bird-food before.)

[Evgb]

PS Sorry to be pain, but you're not a vegeterian if you eat chicken.

I USED to eat chicken, sometimes. I do not anymore. I was just describing what I used to eat, because this started before I became a vegetarian.

[Evgb]

did you catch that Gem ;)

Thanks.

[Alty]

Ok then, I guess when you came here and asked us all to help you understand "why" somebody we don't know as well as you behaves the way he does, I mistakenly took that for an opportunity for analytical, in-depth, psycho-analysis.

I apologize for not making something up about him and generalizing about others in a non-helpful way and accidentally turning the conversation back to ourselves, since I often do that...mostly because I believe talking about people we don't know and/or can't control to be far less useful way to spend time than talking about our own motives/reactions...something we can do something about.

So, again, sorry I mistook your question about personality and reasons why he does things and talked about anything but him. My bad. I was trying to help, and clearly stumbled.

I have to spread the rep but I agree.

To the OP. You're upset because of your supervisor, you want help understanding him, then, when we offer sound advise, you get upset because "we don't know you". Well, we don't know your supervisor either. We don't know why he's smiling when you tell him a sad story. We don't know why he's mean. We don't know why he wears blue underwear or dances in the rain. We don't know him, we don't know you. How are we supposed to judge him when we don't know him?

We can only give you advice on how to handle the situation. We cannot tell you what's wrong with your supervisor. Maybe he's got mental issues. Maybe his goldfish died and he's taking it out on you. Maybe he's caught you chatting while you should be working and that's why he's mean. Maybe he thinks the swine flu was engineered by our government to cut back the population and he thinks you should be one of them. We don't know!

The advice we give is based on what you tell us. Of course your version of him is going to be unfavorable, because you're upset about the things he does. That's understandable, but not the whole story, just your side of it.

If you're really that unhappy then quite and find something else.

[JBeaucaire]

Offended, bothered, irritated, disrespected, irked to the point you seek the counsel of others on the topic in private... you can take any one of these terms and say "that's not me" and as far as I vote, they're all just tones of the same thing.

You're dissatisfied with your supervisor and your work environment.

Based on this thread and the other one we're interacting on, I can't help but notice it's pretty much the same thing. You don't like what they say/do/inflect/grin at/smirk timing... I would surmise there are probably several other things you haven't brought up yet we could make another thread or three out of.

And truth be told, you're probably right all the way down the line. It's all happening pretty much like you describe it, even if there is an innocence on their part, your feelings are getting hurt and you're tired of it.

This can be very dissatisyfing. Truly. I know, I've stood in the middle of this many times in my life.

Like you, I've decided over time that I'm not a doormat, so I tend to meet things I don't like head-on. I talk about these items pretty much immediately with the people it concerns.

"I'm sorry, let me apologize now if I've ever given you the impression I think that is OK to say to me, or joke with me about. It's not, and it's probably my fault you thought it was ok, so accept my apology and we just won't do that anymore, ok?"

I've had to use variations on that one in most of the jobs I've had over the past 20 years.

But there is such a thing as hopeless, too. And when the hopeless is coming from your superiors... oh my.

I've walked away from two jobs in my life for this very thing. They were in charge. It was their "house" and I wasn't a doormat. So I bid them well, told them the truth about why I was leaving ("I can't work for you, you think it's ok to treat me/customers/colleagues the way you do and it's not ok. I have to leave you to run this place the way you want. I wish you well and hope my work has been exemplary.")... and left. No regrets.

It's a tough economy, so it's hard, I know. But you're not trapped. You can expend whatever energy you can free up each week to apply toward finding a new opportunity for yourself, then leave. I would expect that would be better for you in so many ways.

Things HAVE to be better elsewhere, don't they? Based on what you've said in your threads so far, this is an oppressing environment.

I'd say, in parting, that you leaving and telling them truthfully why you're leaving is the only way there's a chance they'll get better. Try to get them to stop while you're still there and they'll just blame you / abuse you for judging them. If you're gone, they have no choice but to blame themselves...

... and perhaps in that moment they'll do better for the next guy.

[Alty]

The fact is, it's bothering you, because you choose to let it.

You seem to be very sensitive and that's only going to work against you in the work place, unless you work alone or out of your home you're always going to be among other people and you're not always going to get along with them. It's time to get a stiffer spine.

[Evgb]

They know exactly what you have for lunch every day (they do this to annoy you and get a response) - so just say - 'I'm having the usual rabbit food', ha ha.

Don't talk about it, try to justify or explain it or get into any discussion about protein, calories, etc, etc. The more you allow them to drive you crazy, the more they'll keep needling you. If you react with less annoyance, they'll get tired of it eventually.

PS Sorry to be pain, but you're not a vegeterian if you eat chicken.

That is exactly what I am going to do, say, "My usual bird/rabbit food".
I don't react with annoyance that I know of, but maybe they can sense it.
P.S. I don't eat chicken-I used to.