Why can't I cry?

DSM521 · Nov 30, 2009, 06:38 PM

I recently found out my wife has been having an affair. I had expected it for quite a while. It has been two months now sense I found out and I can't cry. I am very depressed; scared; hurt; mad; every emotion I can think of but no tears. I don't try to make myself cry or stress over it. I just feel like I need to but its just not there. Any thoughts or insight?

justcurious55 · Nov 30, 2009, 06:47 PM

We all have our own ways of expressing emotion. Do you normally express those emotions through tears? Have you been expressing them some other way?

ROLCAM · Nov 30, 2009, 06:49 PM

You are certainly NOT a believer of what is known as " WATER WORKS ".
Crying is certainly not an answer to most problems. It has its redeeming features.
It does give some relief, but in my opinion
Not much.

JoeCanada76 · Nov 30, 2009, 07:03 PM

Why force something that is not there. Everybody reacts to different situations and circumstances. Some cry and some do not. Maybe at a certain point everything will flow out but your not there right now and that is okay. I am sorry to hear about what you found out, maybe you have had so much warning signs that it is not really shocking.

Now the question is it over? Did you end it, or trying to work through it. Maybe because there is no finality that is why the tears are not coming. Not sure because you have only mentioned a bit of your story.

Just because you do not cry does not mean that you are hurting but sounds like you are keeping a lot of it in.

Counseling is very important. Please seek out counseling. Okay, nothing wrong with counsel everybody seeks it from time to time in there life. There is nothing shameful of seeking out counsel especially when going through a life situation like this.

Best wishes to you,

Joe

QLP · Nov 30, 2009, 07:05 PM

It sounds like you have some emotions locked away and the tears are locked away with them. Is there someone you can talk to, really talk to? Sometimes with the words will come the release. If not, maybe you could think about writing your feelings down as if you were sending a letter to someone who really wants to understand how you feel. You need to find a safe way of expressing every thought and feeling and my guess is that there are some things you don't want to say to your wife so unless you can find another outlet you can't let them out.

DSM521 · Dec 1, 2009, 09:25 AM

Thanks for your responses. We are in counseling and trying to work things out. That proves tougher as times goes on. I have wrote about my feelings the counselor suggested that and I have done it.

I am not trying to force tears or force myself to cry. I am not the type of person that cry when something bothers me but if it is something big I usually shed a tear or two. The reason I ask is from time to time I feel like I really need to and it hurts not to. I know it sounds week for a guy to say that but oh well. The only time I have cried is one night when I was telling my wife how sorry I felt for her about her childhood. I was over whelmed with sadness for her and the tears came naturally.

Not sure what to say about my situation my wife says she is not attracted to me at all and has not been for years. She is dealing with a thyroid and depression problem. This was not just an affair they had a relationship. She would go to his house to watch TV hang out kiss and cuddle on the couch. She met him through work. She says she wants to work things out with me and have a good relationship for us and our children. The whole situation is very confusing and hard to deal with.

justcurious55 · Dec 1, 2009, 02:14 PM

A business contract? Is the OP royalty? Is this a treaty between his country and some other country? And he has to marry someone's daughter for peace? If my boyfriend even tried to present me with a contract for our relationship, and was serious about it, not joking, he's be out the door so fast he wouldn't even know what happened. If you need to have a formal contract to have peace in your marriage, you probably shouldn't be married.

DSM521 · Dec 1, 2009, 02:46 PM

Originally Posted by Pharaoh_10

Decide upon children and make a contract. Take marriage as a business contract. It won't hurt and your children will gain self-confidence (since they have genes like you).

Gradually you will get a well-payed job and your wife may start to act selfishly, taking more and more from you. That is why you need to make a contract and explain to your children that you are doing all this for them.

Then ... either have more children with your present wife (make a new contract for each new baby from her), or divorce solemly and find a new wife that will have children with you. Not the one that "loves" you, but the one conscious enough to sign a "wedding business deal", sort of to say.

If that one starts wimpy like the present one, divorce solemnly and find yet another wife that wants to have children with you.

Remember: you are not alone. There are people just like you that have fear from going to bed at night, can't sleep much and simply, "feel" different.

Sorry if I am missing your humor or point but what the hell are you talking about. Me and my wife already have children four to be exact. I am not doing a contract or anything like that. We are working on our problems like adults. Sure it is not easy and we have had our ups and downs trying to deal with all our problems but I do see her trying to work on us.

Sorry I don't get what you are trying to say.

QLP · Dec 1, 2009, 04:10 PM

It is not weak for a guy to cry. You are a human being and whatever way feels right for you to express your emotions, as long as it's not by abusing someone else, is perfectly valid.

You sound like a perfectly nice, normal man to me.

The extra information you have given about your wife makes it clear that she is feeling confused at the moment, so it's hardly surprising you are finding it so hard to deal with when nothing is getting resolved yet.

Sometimes with conselling you have to work through some really hard bits before it gets better, so maybe that is what is happening now. Stick with it and see if you can make it through this dark patch. Although, some consellors are better than others so it is worth asking yourself if you are happy with the way this one is handling things.

Keep posting if it helps at all. I am working through some problems in my marriage myself, and I have found asking for help on here does help me to clarify my feelings sometimes.

I have also had times when things seemed awful, with some other stuff, and I really wanted to cry (I'm a female by the way so it happens to us too) but couldn't. The tears did come eventually, though it was much longer than I expected before it happened.

I hope things get easier soon.

DSM521 · Dec 1, 2009, 06:36 PM

Originally Posted by QLP

It is not weak for a guy to cry. You are a human being and whatever way feels right for you to express your emotions, as long as it's not by abusing someone else, is perfectly valid.

You sound like a perfectly nice, normal man to me.

The extra infomation you have given about your wife makes it clear that she is feeling confused at the moment, so it's hardly suprising you are finding it so hard to deal with when nothing is getting resolved yet.

Sometimes with conselling you have to work through some really hard bits before it gets better, so maybe that is what is happening now. Stick with it and see if you can make it through this dark patch. Although, some consellors are better than others so it is worth asking yourself if you are happy with the way this one is handling things.

Keep posting if it helps at all. I am working through some problems in my marriage myself, and I have found asking for help on here does help me to clarify my feelings sometimes.

I have also had times when things seemed awful, with some other stuff, and I really wanted to cry (I'm a female btw so it happens to us too) but couldn't. The tears did come eventually, though it was much longer than I expected before it happened.

I hope things get easier soon.

Thank you so much for your kind response. I guess the reason it is so hard is because she says this has nothing to do with me. She says I did nothing wrong or to push her to this. She says I have treated her like a princess and she loves the way I treat her and make her feel. She loves that I do all I can for her and our family and give them everything they need and want. I have made her feel special; wanted; attractive; sexy and like she is the only woman in the world.

I have seen problems coming in our marriage for a long time. She lost her sex drive after the birth of our first child 9 years ago. She just kept telling me it was her and she just did not want it from me or anyone. Then this. I feel so betrayed. She knew for years that she was attracted to other men and had sexual feelings but never tried to get them back for me. Instead she went behind my back and gave herself to another. She did all this when she says I gave her everything and was a great husband. I fell like I have nothing left to give. If I was such a good husband and made her feel so good how come it was so easy for her to do this to us and our family.

Its so hard to look at her and be with her knowing that she is not attracted to me at all and is so attracted to him. Knowing that she still has feelings for him and has to fight them every day. Knowing she still works with him and he will not stop trying to get with her. She knows all he wants her for is sex and does not really give a crap about her or what this does to her kids; or family. How can she have feelings for such a shallow; disgusting person.

Sorry for the rant but this is just so confusing and is killing me. I know she has issues and we are trying to work through those but its hard because she has told me the main reason she is still here is because she feels she will be sorry in the future if she lets me go. Not that this is what she really wants right now. But this is what she will want when she is done in her fantasy world and she is all repaired. I am willing to wait and be faithfully to her still but this is the hardest thing I have ever delt with.

QLP · Dec 1, 2009, 07:10 PM

It's interesting that she lost her attraction for you after having a baby. Sometimes becoming a parent can bring back problems from the way you yourself were parented.

You know how nearly everyone thinks their parents don't 'do it'. The way her parents acted towards one another might have put some ideas in her head about how parents are supposed to act that is not helpful to her. If this is the case other men are somehow 'safe' because she is not a parent with them.

Something that often affects women deeply is their relationship with their father. When the baby was born you became a father which may be the key to the problem if there were issues between her and her dad.

You said in an earlier post that you felt sorry for her about her childhood so I'm sure the clue is back there somewhere. Another possibility is that her childhood gave her such low esteem that the fact you want her must mean you don't count and she needs other men to want her - the unsuitable sort - she needs to make them love her like you do to prove to herself she is worth loving. Sort of like she doesn't really believe she deserves your love so is trying to get it from someone else who won't give her it to prove herself right.

This sort of stuff can run really deep and really does need professional help to get to the bottom of. If you know all the details of her childhood it is probable that you can work out the root causes in theory - but the point is she has to understand them deep down for herself. That's what the help is for.

I think the fact she doesn't want to let you go is because she knows deep down that her feelings are scewed somehow but doesn't know why.

Do you go to all your counselling sessions together? It might be a good idea to have some separate ones as well. Your wife can explore deep issues more safely alone until she understands them and is ready to talk to you about them. You can talk through the effect that this is having on you without worrying about hurting your wife.

You are being amazingly strong and patient and deserve all the support you can get.

DSM521 · Dec 1, 2009, 08:11 PM

Originally Posted by QLP

It's interesting that she lost her attraction for you after having a baby. Sometimes becoming a parent can bring back problems from the way you yourself were parented. You know how nearly everyone thinks their parents don't 'do it'. The way her parents acted towards one another might have put some ideas in her head about how parents are supposed to act that is not helpful to her. If this is the case other men are somehow 'safe' because she is not a parent with them. Something that often affects women deeply is their relationship with their father. When the baby was born you became a father which may be the key to the problem if there were issues between her and her dad. You said in an earlier post that you felt sorry for her about her childhood so I'm sure the clue is back there somewhere. Another possiblity is that her childhood gave her such low esteem that the fact you want her must mean you don't count and she needs other men to want her - the unsuitable sort - she needs to make them love her like you do to prove to herself she is worth loving. Sort of like she doesn't really believe she deserves your love so is trying to get it from someone else who won't give her it to prove herself right. This sort of stuff can run really deep and really does need professional help to get to the bottom of.

I think the fact she doesn't want to let you go is because she knows deep down that her feelings are scewed somehow but doesn't know why.

Do you go to all your conselling sessions together? It might be a good idea to have some separate ones as well. Your wife can explore deep issues more safely alone until she understands them and is ready to talk to you about them. You can talk through the effect that this is having on you without worrying about hurting your wife.

You are being amazingly strong and patient and deserve all the support you can get.

Wow again what another thoughtful and insightful post. To answer some of your questions; the reason she thinks she lost attraction for me after the birth of our first child is because in the beginning she really did loose her drive and attraction all together. After time she says she got it back just not for me and she is not sure why. She thinks it may because we are married and I wanted it often and put pressure on her sometimes. But she really is not sure. The relationship with her father is the interesting one. Her mom left her dad 7 yes 7 times. After the last time he fought for custody of the kids and won. She never had a relationship with her mom growing up and never any kind of connection or serious conversation. She is the oldest in her family and always felt like she was competing for the affection of her father with her younger sister. Her father would say things to her like "you look just like you mom; act just like you mom; and will turn out just like your mom". This hurt her so much because she knew how much he HATED her mom. He was a very hard; tough SOB; and very hard to live with. She said that when he would get home from work her and her brothers and sister would make them self's scarce because they had no idea what type of mood he would be in. With all that she is very loyal to her dad to this day (and he is a good person) and says she feels closer to him than her mom. He is a hard worker and always was and his family was and still is everything to him.

She has always been attracted to the bad boys and admits it. Even the caricatures on TV. If there is a good looking nice guy and a good looking bad boy she always likes the bad boy more. I am the only nice guy she has ever dated. The counselor said it could mean that she really does not feel like she deserves to be treated good and in her head she thinks she does not deserve a good person. So you hit that one right on the head.

We started to go to counseling together but after a few sessions the counselor saw what a hard time she has trying to communicate and said continuing couples counseling would do more harm than good right now. The counselor had to drag every little detail out of her almost make her talk about the hard stuff like the affair and how it started. The counselor said she needed to work with my wife one on one to get her to communicate so we could work through things. So now I have my day with the counselor ans she has hers. Our counselor is amazing and we both trust her very much.

I think the reason she does not want to let me go is because she has tried when we were dating and always would come back. I always took her back I know stupid but I love her. So she is afraid now that if she walks it will only be a matter of time before she wakes up and realizes what she has done and want to come back. And she knows this time I won't be there to take her back because I can't keep putting myself through this. This is our shot. The first time in our 14 year relationship to work on the real problems that have been there all along.

QLP · Dec 2, 2009, 04:23 AM

Well it sounds as though the counsellor can see the potential issues and is working at getting them out and dealt with.

You are both doing everything you can.

It can be a long, slow and painful process and only you can decide how much more love you can give when you can't be sure if or when it will be fully returned.

Keep talking to your counsellors and vent on here if helps and take whatever other help you find.

In case it helps I will share a little about me and my hubby. I had a grotty childhood, I won't bore you with the details but my mom was a schizophrenic and my dad is an alcoholic. My mom literally hated me because I reminded her of my dad. My dad would say I would end up like my mom i.e. crazy if I ever said anything he didn't like. I can recognise a lot of stuff that your wife must be feeling. I too only fell for the bad boys and had some unsuitable relationhships when I was younger. My hubby is the only good guy I have had a relationship with. We have had some tough patches at times. Atm it is my hubby's issues that are causing problems, he is infatuated with another woman though he has not had sex with her. He is very sensitive to the slightest criticism and this woman flatters his ego constantly so I can see why the attraction. His mom criticised him constantly and once when he peed the bed as a little boy she marched him down to the local kids home,carrying his wet sheets, and said she would leave him there if he ever did it again. I have been working on this with my hubby and he is just starting to see some sense so fingers crossed. We have been to the brink of splitting up more than once then managed to get through it and been stronger for it although as I said we have this issue atm I do think we will get through it again. We have had a lot of good years and some awful times but we have been together 27 years now and I still think it's worth it and so does he.

I wish all the best to you and your wife.

redhed35 · Dec 2, 2009, 04:50 AM

Crying reduces the blood pressure and relieves stress.

The mind is a wonderful organ,when we are in shock it protects us,that feeling of not really being in reality..

From reading your posts I believe that if you cried you might not stop! the hurt,the betrayal,the shock,in a way your grieving...

There have been times when I have craved the tears just for the relief,however when they came so did the pain... but the release was needed,and I was exhausted afterwards..

For you,I think as time passes and as you and your wife go through the process of dealing with your situation,will may become angry,sad again,angry... its a circle,but those tears will come..

Trust the natural process of your mind,your body will follow its instincts.