[ScottGem]

Once she is 18, then she is no longer under the control of her adoptive parents. So, you can approach her then. But, again, you need to do so gingerly. You don't know what is behind what she says on her profile, but at 17 she may be feeling the pinch of parental controls on her life. For example, she could be reacting to her parents not allowing her to see a 25 yr old man. In such a case, I would agree with the parents.

Once she's 18 I would send her a note, saying that you have been legally prevented from contacting her until she turned 18. But you have always thought of her. That you were hoping that she would give you a chance to get to know her and for her to get to know the rest of her biological family.

Keep it short and simple like that. Then leave the ball in her court.

[ScottGem]

Of course you have the ability to warn this girls mother, I am right here!

I'm sorry, but you are incorrect here. You are not the girl's mother, you are the woman who gave birth to her. The adoptive mother is legally her mother. Also, In my opinion, a parent is generally the one who raised the child.

You don't say why she was taken from you or at what age, nor am I asking. But you need to understand that you are her mother only by birth and you have to approach ANY relationship you may have with her from that perspective.

[Jo!!!]

Once she is 18, then she is no longer under the control of her adoptive parents. So, you can approach her then. But, again, you need to do so gingerly. You don't know what is behind what she says on her profile, but at 17 she may be feeling the pinch of parental controls on her life. For example, she could be reacting to her parents not allowing her to see a 25 yr old man. In such a case, I would agree with the parents.

Once she's 18 I would send her a note, saying that you have been legally prevented from contacting her until she turned 18. But you have always thought of her. That you were hoping that she would give you a chance to get to know her and for her to get to know the rest of her biological family.

Keep it short and simple like that. Then leave the ball in her court.

Thank you for your advice and an even bigger thank you for being non-judgemental and non-bias, pity there isn't more people like you in the world. It would be a much fairer place if there was.

[ScottGem]

Thank you for your advice and an even bigger thank you for being non-judgemental and non-bias, pity there isn't more people like you in the world. It would be a much fairer place if there was.

I'm sorry, but I don't think any of your answers have been particularly judgmental or biased. All the answers, including mine, feel that is ethically and morally wrong, if not legally wrong, for you to attempt to contact your daughter before she reaches 18. I'll point out also, that you gave us the story bit by bit. So, by the time I chimed in, I had more of the story which tempered my reaction. For example, we did not know initially that your daughter was using her birth name on her social networking profiles.

So I think you are judging my colleagues harshly, because you did not give enough info to start with. Whenever using a site like this you have to judge your responses in terms of the info you provide. Also remember that we volunteer our time here. So we are trying to help you, even when we do make judgments.

[JudyKayTee]

I myself dont have any contact details for the adoptive parents but my brother has an email addresss for them and the adoptive parents have my mums telephone numbers and address. The adoptive parents were at one point bringing the child up to visit once or twice a year with my mum. They were always very consistent with this but it seems to have just stopped for no apparent reason. Mum certainly does have some money for the child, she has already given the other grand-children (my brothers) and also her own children their share of her will (she wants to give it out before she dies). My only motive for myself is to let her know that I am here if she wants to connect. If she chose not to then I would accept that. I have actually decided that the best thing to do is to let her decide for herself, the last thing I would want to do is cause mental anquish or distress to her by her suddenly recieving a 'friend request' from her birth mother. I am far from ignorant and am fully aware of how this might affect her. I merely wanted to know how I stood legally regarding the matter.

Again - how did you come to lose custody and where is the father?

I am concerned about the parts of your post which I have underlined. Your brother has an email address but won't share it with you?

Also - you refer to her as "the child"?

At some point you refer to yourself as the girl's mother - legally, you are not her mother. You lost that privilege (apparently) some years ago.

I still don't think the entire story has been posted. Sorry you think I'm judgmental. You asked, I answered. I am not going to pay you lip service.

[Jo!!!]

Again - how did you come to lose custody and where is the father?

I am concerned about the parts of your post which I have underlined. Your brother has an email address but won't share it with you?

Also - you refer to her as "the child"?

At some point you refer to yourself as the girl's mother - legally, you are not her mother. You lost that privilege (apparently) some years ago.

I still don't think the entire story has been posted. Sorry you think I'm judgmental. You asked, I answered. I am not going to pay you lip service.

In answer to your questions, my mum asked the adopters if she could still have some kind of contact with my daughter and they agreed to this, this went on to include visits to my daughters uncle (my brother) who then at some point obtained their e-mail address.

I lost my daughter due to my chaotic live style (I was addicted to amphetamine, before, during and after giving birth to my child). I was always honest with the social services about my drug use and this meant that my daughter was placed on the 'at risk' register. I bought my daughter up for the first 6 years of her life (albeit badly) my mental and physical health started to deteriorate and I suffered amphetamine induced physchosis. This led to me having a lot of unrealistic beliefs and I stopped sending my daughter to school.

Social services built up a case over the years that I did have custody of her and when things went from bad to worse they removed my child from my care on the grounds that she was at risk of neglect and emotional neglect. I fully understand their concerns and I do believe now that they were fully justified in removing her from my care. I don't agree that they should have put her up for adoption though. I contested the ensuing court case but because no-one believed at that time that I would ever manage to rid my amphetamine addiction the child was placed for adoption.

The father of the child was never interested in her from the minute I told him I was pregnant. He was not involved in any of her life. He was never contacted when the court case was going on as he was not in a position to care for her nor did he want to.

Referring to my daughter as 'the child' is just a way of putting my posts up without mentioning her name. I don't feel the need to expose her name on here (for all I know she could be a member of this site).

I have asked my brother (via my mum) to pass on my email address to the adopters but myself and my brothers relationship is very poor and I have no idea if he has or not.

[JudyKayTee]

I admire your frankness. I now understand a lot more than I did.

[Jo!!!]

I admire your frankness. I now understand a lot more than I did.

Thank you, sorry for accusing you and others of being judgemntal I am new to this site and it's the first like this I have been on and I guess I just expected answers to be in black and white, yes or no type of thing. I know now how awful my behaviour was back then when I did have my daughter, it's a shame I didn't realise at the time how awful it was. I did try numerous times to 'get off' amphetamine when I had custody but to know avail which eventually as I have already said led to my daughter being adopted. We were very close and all the corresspondence I have received from her over the years has been her telling me she loves and misses me and hopes that I am happy ( I wish). On one of the networks she is on it says what college she is at and I told mum who then thought about writing to her at the college regarding the money for her. She hasn't though as she has thought more on the matter and doesn't want to cause the child any distress. We have pretty much exhausted all avenues of trying to contact the adoptive parents and are at a loss as to what to do next. I don't think that me contacting her via a social networking site is a good idea at all, not for any of the parties involved. I wish that he adoption post-box service would be more accommodating.

[JudyKayTee]

Thank you, sorry for accusing you and others of being judgemntal I am new to this site and it's the first like this I have been on and I guess I just expected answers to be in black and white, yes or no type of thing. I know now how awful my behaviour was back then when I did have my daughter, it's a shame I didn't realise at the time how awful it was. I did try numerous times to 'get off' amphetamine when I had custody but to know avail which eventually as I have already said led to my daughter being adopted. We were very close and all the corresspondence I have recieved from her over the years has been her telling me she loves and misses me and hopes that I am happy ( I wish). On one of the networks she is on it says what college she is at and I told mum who then thought about writing to her at the college regarding the money for her. She hasnt though as she has thought more on the matter and doesnt want to cause the child any distress. We have pretty much exhausted all avenues of trying to contact the adoptive parents and are at a loss as to what to do next. I dont think that me contacting her via a social networking site is a good idea at all, not for any of the parties involved. I wish that he adoption post-box service would be more accommodating.

I'm not just paying you lip service here but it's where you're going, not where you've been, that matters. Everybody makes mistakes. Some are just more visible than others.

I don't think you should do anything until she is of legal age because I think it will cause stress for both her and her (adoptive) parents. It appears that this is also your decision.

[ScottGem]

I am new to this site and it's the first like this I have been on and I guess I just expected answers to be in black and white, yes or no type of thing.

Sometimes they are, but more often there are different factors and shades of gray that can't be dealt with in a simple response.

As to contacting her through the social networking site, if you can't find any other means, I would just include a sorry to contact you this way, but I couldn't find any other way to make contact.

[Fr_Chuck]

I am sorry if I came on too hard, I counsel so many teens and adoptive adults for issues in their lives, and often the bio parent contact has such bad results I get really protective of the teens.

I would advice one thing, if you are going to contract, do it though a third party, perhaps a minister or someone, to make sure they really want to meet you.

[Synnen]

I'm a birthmother.

I resent the idea that I'm not my child's mother, AS WELL as her adoptive parents. Yes, her adoptive parents are her LEGAL parents, but I didn't stop being her mother just because she was adopted. She just got ANOTHER mother.

Just for the record.

As far as contact goes, do this:

First and foremost, wait until she's 18. Legally, with a closed adoption, you should not contact a child until they are legally an adult. Let's put it this way: how would you like it if some stranger (and legally you ARE a stranger) contacted your minor child for a relationship without talking with you first?

Secondly, once she IS 18, register on reunion websites. Don't contact her directly. If she's already on social networking sites, chances are that she's already found you and is waiting for reasons of her own. Also--if she's savvy on the internet, she already knows that the reunion websites are out there.

Yes, it's a hard road to live with adoption--but you legally have NO RIGHT to contact your child until she is 18, at which point she is an adult and you can contact her like you would any other adult. Morally, though---you should just put feelers out there and let HER make the choice.

[Jo!!!]

I'm a birthmother.

I resent the idea that I'm not my child's mother, AS WELL as her adoptive parents. Yes, her adoptive parents are her LEGAL parents, but I didn't stop being her mother just because she was adopted. She just got ANOTHER mother.

Just for the record.

As far as contact goes, do this:

First and foremost, wait until she's 18. Legally, with a closed adoption, you should not contact a child until they are legally an adult. Let's put it this way: how would you like it if some stranger (and legally you ARE a stranger) contacted your minor child for a relationship without talking with you first?

Secondly, once she IS 18, register on reunion websites. Don't contact her directly. If she's already on social networking sites, chances are that she's already found you and is waiting for reasons of her own. Also--if she's savvy on the internet, she already knows that the reunion websites are out there.

Yes, it's a hard road to live with adoption--but you legally have NO RIGHT to contact your child until she is 18, at which point she is an adult and you can contact her like you would any other adult. Morally, though---you should just put feelers out there and let HER make the choice.

I also feel that I am still the child's mum and that she also has another mum too. I have decided to wait for her to contact me if she wishes to do so.

[Jo!!!]

I'm not just paying you lip service here but it's where you're going, not where you've been, that matters. Everybody makes mistakes. Some are just more visible than others.

I don't think you should do anything until she is of legal age because I think it will cause stress for both her and her (adoptive) parents. It appears that this is also your decision.

I have decided that the best thing to do is to wait for her to contact me if she wishes to do so. As for the money mum wants her to have all I can do is keep 'badgering' on at the post-box service to get the adopters to contact mum.