[QLP]

There was a woman that worked at the same company as my husband in a previous job. The first I heard about this woman was when my husband started telling me about how nearly all the men she worked with were infatuated with her. He told me lots of stories about how all the guys were competing for her attention, texting her, phoning her, e-mailing her etc. He seemed to view these guys as rather pathetic. He seemed appalled when one of the men who worked with her told his long-term, pregnant, girlfriend that he would leave her for this other woman if she would have him. I have no idea how one woman could have such a profound affect on so many men but I classed her as some kind of man-eater. I distinctly got the impression from what I was being told that this woman loved the attention of men and knew just how to get it.

Then my husband started working directly with this woman and his opinion, and behaviour changed dramaticaly. He suddenly decided she was the nicest person he had ever met and it wasn't her fault that all the men were besotted with her. He talked about her loads. It felt like he was infatuated with her. He lost his job there and was really upset. He said he had really loved working there and missed the people he worked with. He kept wanting to get together with the people he used to work with but seemed to do all the communicating about it with this one woman. I often didn't know he was texting her until I was told by someone else. Sometimes he would text this woman and not hear back from her for a while and would get really cross that she was ignoring him. He would act really bad tempered at home and when I got upset about it and asked what was going on he would go on about this woman and how she wasn't answering his messages. He was talking about her to me all the time and it still seemed like infatuation. He got some new pet guinea-pigs for his birthday and named one of them after her, and the other two after 2 other girls he worked with. This meant I had to listen to him calling to his pet,"come on'x'darling". I tried to say that I was unhappy with all this but he kept saying she was just a friend and I was being unreasonable expecting him to not be friends with her. He said it was unfair that I wouldn't let him have female friends. I pointed out that he had had other female friends in the past and I had never complained. He said I was only actling differently because this one was younger and more attractive.

Eventually after a lot of arguing he said he wouldn't contact her anymore but he was very cross about it.

A short time after this he suddenly started spending an excessive amount of time on the internet looking at porn. I was unhappy about the amount and the actual content. This led to more arguments. I felt I couldn't trust him as his behaviour was just so unpredictable. We have been together 25 years and he didn't act like this before. He always liked occasional porn, which I'm not sure what my feeling are about that. I don't like it but I try to accept it. This stuff was a whole new level though and it was for hours every night. I felt he was doing it to punish me for not letting him stay in contact with this woman. When I tried to get him to say why he had needed to look at it he gave several contradictory replies. One of which was that it was to stop him having an affair. He admitted that he had been thinking about it recently but had never considered it before in all our years of marriage. I felt like I didn't know who he was anymore. He said he hadn't changed. He didn't say he wanted an affair with this specific woman though but mentioned the other women he had been working with at the same job. He had never given me any inkling that he had feelings for these other girls so I found this bewildering.

We had an almighty fall out and I told him my trust was shaken and it would take time to rebuild it. He said he would be patient as long as he felt I was trying.

So fast forward a few weeks and now I discover he has been texting and e-mailing this woman again. I knew he had been wanting to set up a night out with these old work colleagues again and that she would be there but I decided I could be OK with that. I didn't know they had been in regualar contact again. Some of the things in the e-mails made me vey uncomfortable.

He said to her 'you're too young to be tied down - at least in marriage lol'
'you're the most intelligent and secretive woman I know'
And 'that's a story for a long bottle of wine not an e-mail'.

He says the first was just a harmless joke, the second flattery to get her to tell him stuff he wanted to know, and the third was a 'standing joke'.

He still maintains it is just a friendship. He also says he wished she was his sister or his daughter. He says he thinks of her as a sister and would be more upset if something happened to her than if something happened to his actual sister. Although, as he points out, he's not that close to his real sister. He says as he isn't having sex with her, and doesn't intend to, it has nothing to do with our relationship. He is very angry with me for pressing this issue. He says I am forcing him to give up the friendship of someone who is really nice and he really likes. He has started saying we should meet and seems to think it would be OK if I could be her friend too. I don't think I could judge this woman fairly in light of all the stuff he told me at the beginning and I feel that if I tried but didn't like her it would be me that would be the evil one in his eyes. This is affecting me so much I can't sleep or eat. In one breath he says he is really sorry that this is hurting me so much so he will stop e-mailing her and in the next he says he will stop because 'it's not worth the hassle', and makes it clear he's very angry with me for pushing him to do so. He says he is really sad about it. He says he doesn't want to say anything to her about ending the friendship because he thinks she would either think it was vey funny or be appalled that I am so jealous. He also says she is really nice so he doesn't want to upset her.

I'm not sure he's fully decided whether to stop contacting her - he seems to be saying he will, then saying he needs more time to think about it. We both realise that even if he does it is going to be hard for me to trust him. When he goes off to do things on his computer I'm going to be worrying whether he is e-mailing her. He is angry that I have stopped trusting him. He says the fact that he doesn't delete all his e-mails and texts and is willing for me to meet her proves he is doing nothing wrong. The fact that he talks about her in such a strong way, started e-mailing her again without telling me, and all the stuff he told me about her in the beginning makes it really difficult for me to accept this isn't an infatuation, albeit a non-sexual one, rather than a friendship. At one point he said that if he has to end this freindship with her it will affect him for the rest of his life. I am so confused...

[talaniman]

So take your husband up on his suggestion, and keep an open mind. Meet her, and have an honest girl talk, send your husband on an errand, and see what she is about. That has to be better than assuming, and presuming. You really owe it to yourself to check this out personally, because what if he is right.

That's how my wife stole all my female friends, she made them family friends. Boy do I love her for it.

[QLP]

What do you mean by an 'honest girl talk'? He would not be at all happy if I made even the slightest suggestion to her that I am uncomfortable with their relationship. Are you suggesting I ask her outright if she fancies him? He says she says she doesn't fancy any or the men who she is friends with but he is convinced she wants to sleep with at least one of them. Even if she does just want to be his friend it doesn't mean the way he feels is the same.

A couple of days ago whilst we were arguing, not because he had been e-mailiing her, but because he had been doing it secretly after saying he wouldn't, we tried to come to some kind of agreement about what was OK and while we were supposdlly making up and making an effort to get closer he said he just wanted to go check the sports scores, but in fact went off to e-mail her again. I didn't in fact tell him the first time around that he couldn't contact her he made that decision because he was fed up with me for being upset about the fact he had to speak to her and about her almost constantly. He even said he wished she could be his daughter instead of our actual daughter. That doesn't sound like normal friendship to me. I think he has very strong feelilngs for her that he doesn't understand himself.

[Fr_Chuck]

He knows is bothering you, so I don't care if they are exchanging cake recipies, he stops since it is hurting you. If he does not stop then he is not taking your feelings into consideration.

And who on this earth cares if he feels he is not trusted, he isn't and in fact I doubt he should be. He has to prove it and earn it.

I would almost say treat him like a child caught, put the computer in a public area and walk in on him often.

In the end, if he wants to stay with you, he needs to show he is sorry and jump though some hoops

[Gemini54]

Sounds like a mid - life crisis to me. I think that he needs, by your account, to get a reality check... he wants her to be his daughter, instead of your actual daughter..? In terms of your relationship, it's not sustainable for him to be behaving like a love sick fool.

I would suggest firstly that you may need to back off a little - he sounds as if he's constantly on the defensive and contradicting himself. Clearly this whole thing has him anxious and confused and you're adding to it by constantly interrogating him. (As an aside, I don't blame you for being anxious.)

If he'd like her as his daughter, why don't you take him up on the suggestion of meeting her and invite her round for dinner? That way you can meet her on your territory and observe the dynamic between them. It's hard to know what part she's playing in this but it sort of sounds like she likes the attention from all the guys. Perhaps if she actually eyeballs the wife of one of the guys she might back off as well.

I don't disagree with Tal's suggestion - invite her for dinner and then send him out for some beer. You don't need to interrogate her about what her intentions are - you just need to show her that YOUR husband is YOUR husband so that there is no doubt in her mind that her attention seeking behavior has repercussions on other people.

[talaniman]

Geez woman find out the truth of the matter. Before you go off half cocked. Seems you already have your mind made up, without all the facts.

I'm just saying if this person has so much impact on your life, find out why, and what needs to be done about it.

Seems to me if it was hanky panky going on, then he would not be so forward about it.

[Jake2008]

He needs to stop the 'friendship' with the other woman, and concentrate on his marriage. It is unhealthy, it is putting a wedge in your marriage, it makes you uncomfortable, that should be enough. She can go and play games with other married men, not yours. And why should you have to make concessions? Meet her? Be friends with her? Have her over for a barbecue? How ridiculous.

That he fights to keep her as a 'friend', and even wishes he could replace her with his own daughter, is a huge, big, red flag! He has somehow pulled out all the emotional stops to 'protect' her and be there for her, no matter what. It is a very sick relationship, based on lies, and you have every right to demand that it stop.

None of the wishy washy garbage. Make some demands of your own, such as counselling. He is not getting what you are putting down, and he needs to see how his thinking is really screwy, and how it is affecting his marriage.

A third party may very well be able to get through to him, and hopefully, he can see what he will lose by continuing this assenine behaviour.

[QLP]

Well thanks for the repliles folks. Rather a mixed bag of reactions but that kind of mirrors the confusion I feel myself about it so in a weird way is actually helpful.

I decided to write him a note explaining exactly what parts of his behaviour are making me feel so upset in the hope that seeing it in writing might get it into his brain. It really is the excessiveness of his behaviour and his secrecy that is the real problem not his desire to have her for a friend.

I don't feel ready to meet her as he spent so much time when he was first working with her telling me about the relationships that had already been wrecked wherever this woman went that I still have this picture of her as an attention-seeking man-eater. He himself thought this for a long time. I know some of the other people whose relationships fell apart because of the way the men all fell for this woman. The fact that she knows all these men ruined their relationships but she thinks it's OK to e-mail my hubby in secret makes me think she can't be nice. I know she also e-mails in secret , she does so from work because her partner is 'unreasonably jealous'. She talks about this sort of stuff with my hubby.

Anyway I said in the note that I could accept he has her as a friend if he tells me when he is contacting her, is open about it all, and it isn't so excessive that it feels obsessive. I have asked him to cool it a bit with her for now to give us both some breathing space and said that if he can do these things and I feel his behaviour is more reasonable I can probably think about meeting her in the future with an open mind rather than seeing her as this femme-fatal he himself originally painted her as.

I don't know if that was the right thing to do but it seems fair to me. I finally got a few hours sleep once I had done that so at least it helped me. I saw him for about a minure before he was dashing off to work and he said sorry he had to go but he had read my note and we would talk tonight. I did at least get the impression from his demeanor that he had got something from the note so fingers crossed.

Thanks for the help peeps.

[Jake2008]

No harm done, and maybe some gains to be made yet.

I agree that this woman is an attention seeking man-eater, and she has no loyalty or respect for any of the partners she has caused so much trouble for, by being 'friends'. Obviously you are not alone, others have had problems with their mates because of her as well.

A letter is a really good start. Plant some seeds that he may find some insight with, and talk.

Stay strong. If this woman's past behaviour is any indication, she'll move onto the next victim when your's isn't always as available as he has been.

[jmjoseph]

He name the Guinea pig after he? How pathetic is that? The biggest point of this whole issue, like Fr. Chuck mentioned, is that he knows that this upsets you, yet he continues to do so. He obviously is "slap smitten" with this other woman, and needs to one, act his age, and two, act like the married man that he is. I wonder how he would feel if YOU had a special friend?

No, this is not neither healthy, nor considerate. I think most married women would feel the way that you do if it were them in this type of situation.

Stop doing the things that you normally do for him until you get his attention.

I am a married man, and would NEVER disrespect MY wife this way. I probably would be tent camping on the back of our property, if I ever found myself infatuated with one of my co-workers like this, and was secretly corresponding with her.

I can see it now:

"Hey, honey, can I get another blanket?" "No, tell your little girlfriend to knit you one if she is so fantastic!"

It wouldn't be pretty.

She is a "black magic woman", who has left a trail of men who are under her spell. He needs to snap the he! Out of it.

Good luck on getting your husband back.

[QLP]

Well he came home having read my letter this morning and said that seeing it in writing made him realise how much he had been hurting me and the fact I was still willing to be so reasonable reminded him of how much I love him and made him cry.

He says he still needs some time to sort his head out but will tell me immediately if there is any contact between them while he is working out what to do and that there is no doubt in his mind that I am the one he loves but he doesn't understand himself what he feels about this woman but is going to think hard about everything. He also said that my opposition had probably made him dig his heels in out of stubbornness. I felt a real sense of sincerity about his words that has been lacking for some time.

We put it aside for the evening and had some chatting time and some giggles and it was the most comfortable things have felt for a long time.

It is still there in the background and I don't think I'll really feel OK until he does sort his feelings out but it does seem llike a big step forward and I feel less stressed than I did.

I can't believe what a difference just putting it in writing made so I wanted to share that in case it is of help to anyone else with difficult situations.

Also, although the replies I have had have been quite polarised and no single one has pushed me in a specific direction I have taken something from them all in different ways and it has helped me see things a little more clearly so a big thank you to you all.

[QLP]

Oh and I also decided to start sending him e-mails. We text each other when apart but texts tend to be rather brief. I think he gets a buzz out of finding messages in his inbox so I reckon having some from the wife might be nice for him but might also remind him to think about me whenever he looks in there . I left him a joke in there this afternoon but he doesn't seem to have read it yet which is also a good sign since he has been obsessively checking his e-mails several times a day and every evening up to now.

[Gemini54]

Oh and I also decided to start sending him e-mails. We text each other when apart but texts tend to be rather brief. I think he gets a buzz out of finding messages in his inbox so I reckon having some from the wife might be nice for him but might also remind him to think about me whenever he looks in there . I left him a joke in there this afternoon but he doesn't seem to have read it yet which is also a good sign since he has been obsessively checking his e-mails several times a day and every evening up to now.

I'm really pleased that there has been a change in the dynamic. In my experience, backing off a little, as you have done can often really help shift the tension. Men do 'dig their heels in' when they feel defensive or confronted, so your approach has been very sensible.

Now the ball is in his court, and he needs to take the time to examine his own motivations and obsessive behavior around this woman. I hope he does take the time to do this.

Let us know how it all goes.

[jmjoseph]

I think that these feelings will fade with time. It's a good thing that he doesn't still see her on a day to day basis.

Good luck to you.

[QLP]

Thanks again for all the help and support everyone.
I must say jmj I found "Hey, honey, can I get another blanket?" "No, tell your little girlfriend to knit you one if she is so fantastic!" very amusing.

[QLP]

Ok, so the planned night out with his ex-colleagues,including this woman, is tomorrow night. There have been a few e-mails between my hubby and her about this since I last posted and he has been open with me about these and has not been e-maliing her otherwise or acting so obsessed.

The thing is she was supposed to make arrangements with most of the other people and my hubby with a few. Now it seems everyone else is cancelling, leaving just my hubby and this woman.

Should I be worried? Should I say I want to go along or should I use this as an opporunity to trust him?

[talaniman]

Go with him. No, you do not make this a test of trust, but an opportunity to learn.

[Jake2008]

Wow, this woman must either really think you are a few taco's short a combination plate, or she is a lot smarter than anybody realizes.

Suddenly a group of people whittle down to your husband, and her. How convenient.

Yes, I would go. Don't let on that anything is wrong. I'd also bring a gift. A going away gift. 'Why You Need To Leave My Husband Alone For Dummies', and hand it to her while she's eating so she can choke on it.

I need to go with you, I'll be a fly on the wall and make sure I take a swim in her soup.

Whatever you decide to do, please come back with the results.

[jmjoseph]

Jake2008 agrees: I like your wife, does she also play golf?

Yes, and she has a powerful swing too!

She also has her own shotgun, and I taught her how to shoot clay targets. She can hit doubles. My daddy told me it was "dangerous business" to teach a woman how to use a gun.

The trick is to not do anything as to earn being shot.

She knows that I'm a good boy, and that I don't have any "special friends".

I want to live in the big house. Where it's nice and warm.

[Gemini54]

Well, here's your chance to have that dinner with her.

Take the opportunity to look and act fabulous, and share the wonderful times you've have with your husband, with her.

Take pictures of your children and 'share' them with her.

Heh, please let us know how it goes.

I'd love to be a fly in your soup too!