[Cat1864]

QP, he may be suffering, but it isn't because of anything you are doing. It is his own fears that are causing it and I think you may be finally getting somewhere with him.

Encourage him to ask questions. Keep answering them as best you can. Keep being honest with him.

I think the question about why a male is two-fold. One the insecurity of you opening up to another male. The other touches on his previously stated fear of the counselor taking sides. He appears to believe that a counselor takes sides. He is learning that belief is not correct.

Stick to your plans. Keep them open to him. Keep the invitation to go to counseling with you open. Let him come around at his own pace.

To be honest, what you are describing of his actions sounds like a scared puppy trying to get out of going to the vet. Be firm. Don't encourage the manipulation. Reward the positive. That does sound like training a puppy, doesn't it? :D

[QLP]

Feeling a bit gutted today.

A while ago hubby said to keep everything above board he was happy for me to read his emails whenever I want so I can see what him and X chat about and be reassured.

Got up and found a bunch of flowers for valentines day which was nice. Went to text hubby to thank him. Decided to clear out my in and outbox on phone which I just do every so often. Hubby got a new phone just before xmas as his old one conked out. Sometimes he borrows my phone to put his old sim in as his new phone is very fiddly to get the sim in and out, so he can check in case he has any messages to his old phone. Somehow he transferred stuff from his sim to my phone memory so it became clear he uses his old sim to text X. The stuff on my phone was bits and pieces and not particularly incriminating, just feel sad that he still has to find ways to be secretive.

Also about a week ago I walked in on him watching footy in the den which doubles up as our laundry room. He hastily hid a pad of paper he was writing on. He mumbled something about it not being another poem for X and how the first words were 'my wife.' I thought he might be doing something for valentines day and apologised for interrupting. Well I didn't get the poem. Maybe he never finished it or I ruined it or whatever but I think his reaction was more like guilt at being caught out than trying to keep a surprise a secret. Who knows, whatever...

Just a tad sad because it's valentines day.

[talaniman]

Its terrible being paranoid and suspicious of everything. Hard to have fun that way. Hard to separate the real from the imagined.

My greatest super power is the ability to be patient, and not get carried away by people, places, and things, or events that I cannot control, and never assume I am not crazy, mistaken, or just plain wrong. This allows me to have those feelings, but not act on them without thought, and file things away until more facts bring better information.

Why ruin a good day over... anything. Acknowledge the feelings (which you have), and file them away for now. Deal with them when you get more facts!

Enjoy yourself for now. Some super power, huh! Takes some practice.

[QLP]

Got myself grounded again today at last. I think everything just got a bit emotionally supercharged for a few days. Filing everything on back burner till I talk to counsellor and focusing on other things again. You talk a lot of sense for a superhero tal. Hope you don't wear your underpants on the outside though - not a good look.

Thanks all for steering me through a big wobble.

[QLP]

Was supposed to meet X this week. We had said, Tues/ Weds/ Thurs. When it came to it she was only available Mon/Fri. So we said we would change our plans and do either of those, or she, and partner if she wished, could come any evening for a meal. She had, 'more things come up.' Really doesn't look like she wants to meet me.

Hubby sent her a secret message on valentines day from a different e-mail address in addition to his regular daily e-mail from his usual account. It was obvious because she mentioned it in her reply saying, 'Oh, thanks for that other e-mail, I was expecting something from you today.' He said it was just a bit of fun and couldn't see why that was a problem.

I have told him the idea that I can read his e-mails whenever I want isn't actually helpful and I don't want to be the e-mail police. I have stated how I feel about things but said it is up to him what he decides to do.

Talked to counsellor this afternoon who said that is a better way to do things. That I should continue to be honest about my feelings but not put any pressure on him or make any judgements about his behaviour. I will try very hard to stick to this.

Counsellor said he would really like to work with us both, or talk to hubby alone if he prefers, as although he is happy to continue talking things through with me he isn't sure how much he can do without hubby taking some part.

Counsellor made some suggestions on how best to approach this. Will do my best.

Fingers crossed...

[talaniman]

Is your husband blind, deaf, or dumb, or mentally challenged?

[MilanaD]

Dear QLP,

Sorry for writing here after almost two years but I am now in a similar situation myself, and I would really like to know how you eventually dealt with the situation. Could you please tell if the counsellor helped, and if yes, how? Many thanks in advance.