[Gemini54]

Wow, this woman must either really think you are a few taco's short a combination plate, or she is a lot smarter than anybody realizes.

Suddenly a group of people whittle down to your husband, and her. How convenient.

Yes, I would go. Don't let on that anything is wrong. I'd also bring a gift. A going away gift. 'Why You Need To Leave My Husband Alone For Dummies', and hand it to her while she's eating so she can choke on it.

I need to go with you, I'll be a fly on the wall and make sure I take a swim in her soup.

Whatever you decide to do, please come back with the results.

Oops. I'm an idiot - put the greenie in the wrong post. Duh.

[QLP]

Oh you lot are so funny it creases me up. Thanks for keeping me cheerful at least. I'll let you all know what happens.
*goes off to rummage through the photo album* - sneaky gemini - I like it lol.

[QLP]

He cancelled it.

This was after I said I would like to go. *suspicious*

On the other hand, he is the kind of guy that never makes a decision or sorts anything until the last minute. *maybe not suspicious*

He said just the two of us could go out instead if I wanted. We decided to go out in a couple of days time because there's a restaurant we recently visited with friends and really liked but can't get in tonight.

Time will tell...

[Jake2008]

Yeah... I'd be wondering about that one too. What did he do then, call her and cancel as well?

Did he say why he cancelled?

[jmjoseph]

He needed to cancel. He needs to stay away from her completely. Good for you!

He also needs to take you out on more "dates".

[QLP]

Yeah........I'd be wondering about that one too. What did he do then, call her and cancel as well?

Did he say why he cancelled?

I got the full story when he got home from work. A couple of the guys who he had been organising to come and thought they couldn't said they could probably come out for an hour or two after all. He texted her to let her know and to say I would probably be coming too.

She then cancelled saying her daughter was not very well.

The other guys then said they weren't that bothered seen as none of the crowd she was supposed to be organising were coming.

So, that's when hubby texted me to say it was off and we could just go out if I wanted.

..?.

[Jake2008]

OK, that makes sense.

As we speak, I'm trying to get my husband off the couch. It's not easy, but I'm hungry... where's my golf club.

I hope when the two of you do get out that you have a really good time together.

Keep us posted.

[QLP]

This is getting more complicated and difficult.

Our meal out didn't happen because I got a really nasty mouth infection. I got some special mouthwash and gel and if they don't work will need antibiotics. It is very painful and leaving me totally wiped out.

So, hubby got really upset that I had let him down. Apparently this is why he has felt the need to chat with this other woman - because I am not always there for him enough.

I 'don't do enough to make him feel confident.'

He has always been lacking in confidence socially and has relied on me a lot to smooth things over for him in social situations. However, he also used to turn social invitations down a lot, even if I wanted to go. Now, he has decided he wants to be more sociable but he isn't sure how so he expects me to sort it all out for him.

Apparently this other woman is the only person, apart from myself, that he feels comfortable with.

On his day off, I had to spend a whole day on the couch because I was poorly and in a lot of pain. He did nothing all day then complained in the evening how bored he had been because I wasn't doing anything with him.

Suddenly everything is my fault and he expects me to fill all his needs every minute when he is at home, as well as texting him more etc when he is at work, or he needs this other woman to step in to fill the gap. He spends a lot of time checking his phone and moaning that 'nobody ever texts or calls.' He won't make any effort with his friends because he, 'can't be bothered.'

I tentatively mentioned counselling to which he replied, "I don't think you need conselling I think you just need to get better then make more effort." It didn't occur to him I might mean him too...

[Jake2008]

No offense, but he sounds a bit clueless to me.

Would it be worth your while to book with a counsellor. Let him know (email if he won't listen) what you have done, and that you booked for both of you.

He may or may not go the first time, but my guess is, if he is as dependent upon needing you as a social prop, he won't risk losing you, and he'll go the second time.

Either way, wouldn't do any harm to speak to someone face to face, and get an objective opinion from another source.

Hope you're feeling better, it's like adding insult to injury isn't it.

Take care, keep us posted.

[QLP]

Oh boy the gremlins are being mean at the moment.

Hubby came home very stressed and with an upset tummy. A close colleague's best friend just committed suicide.

Daughter arrived back from boyfriend's unexpectedly. They have split up after 4 years. She has CFS and he's fed up of her illness. I think her being poorly and needing help from me and her dad is part of my hubby's problem as he feels 'put upon and neglected'. My daughter's boyfriend's mum is poorly with secondary cancer so that was an extra stress for them.

I want to help everyone but am still feeling rubbish myself so not being very good at it.

Gee - what do they say about it never rains...

[Jake2008]

That is a lot of bad luck all at once. Something about this time of year too makes things that much worse.

I am sorry about your husband's experience at work, and then your daughter. Top it off with you feeling unwell. I'd make you some chicken soup if I could.

Hang in there Q, this will settle down in time. Keep us posted.

[QLP]

Thanks for that Jake. Must say I'm sick of soup though lol, as it's all I can eat atm but nice thought. I'll accept your kind words as 'chicken soup for the soul.'

Day at a time strategy for the moment I think.

Thanks for lending an ear to my whinge.

[QLP]

Hi again folks. Time for a little update and to ask what you people think if you don't mind sharing a bit more of your wisdom.

Hubby decided to write me two long e-mails recently. The first was telling me how much he loves me and that we need to work on my 'trust problem'.

The second was a blow-by-blow account of all that has happened with this female friend. In this he mentioned several lifts home he gave her and some friendly hugs but assured me he didn't do anything untowards. Quite a lot of phone-calls, texts and e-mails, most of which he didn't mention to me. He also admitted to taking her out to lunch one day and then driving her home and lying to me about where he had been that day. He says it was because I was upset about something when he got home and he didn't want to make things worse. He says he is really sorry for lying about this.

I am trying to make him understand that I have trust problems, as he puts it, because he has been lying and breaking promises, but that I am glad he has decided to try and tell me the whole truth (I hope) but that it will take time for me to be sure I can trust him.

He mumbled something about degrees of breaking trust and said he hasn't actually cheated on me and could have done worse in 25 years of marriage. He also said I must have lied to him sometimes in all that time. I expect I have, but never about something important which could endanger our relationship.

He says he needs time to think more about everything.

He still wants her as a friend. He hasn't acknowledged that I have a right to be cross when he has been lying. However, he does seem to be trying and he felt that he needed to be honest about everything before he could think about anything else I said. He says maybe some of his behaviour was over the top on occasion (when I first thought he was totally infatuated) but he needs time to think that through.

I am torn between wanting to bash him over the head with a large heavy object, and thinking well he is making some effort.

Need some objective input pleeease...

[Jake2008]

I think if the situation were reversed it might paint a better picture for him.

If you were the one with a 'special friend', and sent frequent text messages, and suggestive email, and you were infatuated with this 'friend' from work to the point some of your comments about him were:

'you're too young to be tied down - at least in marriage lol'
'you're the most intelligent and secretive man I know'
And 'that's a story for a long bottle of wine not an e-mail'.

You know very well that this man you are infatuated with, has women fawning all over him, and one of your girlfriends who is pregnant with her own husband, evensaid she would leave her marriage for him if he'd have her.

You get angry and defensive when your husband suggests that this 'friendship' might be inappropriate, and he resents that when you don't hear from him, you are miserable, hard to live with, and grumpy.

What would he think about your behaviour.

You would turn around and tell him that it is he that has trust issues, because the relationship is strictly platonic, and you look at this 'friend' more as a son, or a brother. You cannot understand why he gets his girdle in a knot when you drive your 'friend' home, share a friendly hug, and meet up occasionally for lunch. Gee- what's your problem!!

Back to you now, although I could really run with this lol I can't imagine a more effective way to get through to him. Use what he says, turn it around, write it out in a story in an email, and send it to him. See if any lightbulbs go on.

Personally, I think his strong, angry reactions and deflective comments (YOU have a problem not him), indicates that his words and actions to not sync up. He may not have done something, but he's missing some key points such as what does she have, that he needs so badly, that he can't get at home.

I have to also admit, that if it were my husband I'd probably opt for the large heavy object.

[QLP]

Well I'm not happy to be re-opening this thread again but here I am.

Hubby could never admit he was doing anything wrong but said he would not contact her any more as it was making me unhappy. This was never something I stipulated, I just wanted him to see the difference between the excessive behaviour with the lying and a normal freindship but he couldn't see that.

Things have sort of trundled on and we have been working on things between us generally, some improvements but he just isn't the same as he was before this somehow. For one thing, he started checking my computer daily to see who I have been talking to etc, and asking questions about my Facebook and who I have for friends and things like that. Suddenly I am the one who isn't trusted but there is absolutely no reason for that.

A few days ago he started talking about this woman again and saying how he would like to be able to go out with a crowd including her and it not be a problem. At the same time I noticed he had suddenly put her number back in his phone. Now I know looking in his phone is a bit off, but firstly he lied to me several times, and secondly, when I got a bit shirty about him constantly checking my computer he said I could check his whenever I want to. I wasn't really happy with this since I think we should be trusting each other but I went along with it. He actually got very cross about it since he said, 'you can check my computer not phone.' Sheesh silly me! Anyway he had had her in his phone under her first name. When he promised to cut off contact with her he deleted it. Or so I thought. Then I discovered it under her last name. I was sure it wasn't there before so I asked him how he found her number again. Turns out he had it under a false name all the time. He said he put it back in because he was thinking about talking to me about contacting her again but hadn't done yet.

I was still millilng this over and not really happy about it when I discovered that he had already texted and met this woman again. A friend of hers was getting married and the 'reason' he needed to contact this woman was because he wanted to send a card but had no address for the friend - a woman I might add he always said he didn't like.. When the woman got the card she messaged our daughter on Facebook about it. I think she was rather surprised to get a card from him.. Our daughter rang her dad and was asking him about it. We were both in the same room and I could hear what both of them were saying yet he still tried to lie to me about it straight afterwards. Eventually he fessed up, but since he was caught bang to rights I'm not overly impressed. He told me he met her and she was going on holiday but that she wanted to get together with him when she gets back. He thinks I should be fine with this as long as it is in a group.

So we had a fall-out. He says he didn't feel he should have to ask my permission to talk to her again - stubborn pride I suppose. I just feel betrayed that he would make promises then go behind my back. Too many lies.

Now he says that since seeing her he has realised he doesn't want a relationship with her just a friendship. - err that's all he said he wanted before... Now he says he can understand that the way he was behaving before was more like a relationship, albeit without sex, than a normal friendship. He also said that he is starting to think he was behaving obsessively 'like C' (the guy he thought was an idiot for throwing his relationship away because of his infatuation with this same woman). He says, 'I know this is stuff I need to sort out in myself and I am working on it please be patient.'

The trouble is I am having a hard time believing him. I mean if he has suddenly worked this out why was he talking about wanting to see her whilst lying about the fact he already was until he got caught out? He still thinks it is important to him to have her as a friend but 'only in a group'.

I suggested counselling but he thinks it will, 'just make things worse.'

Part of me thinks he is realising he was in the wrong but pride is getting in the way. Part of me thinks he is just saying what he thinks I want to hear and what will get him off the hook.
If this is some sort of mid-life crisis and he is starting to come out of it I am prepared to try to be patient, it seems a shame not to after 27 years together,most of which were not anything like this at all, but I really can't tell how much of this is just stubbornness and how much is desperation to find a way to see this woman without getting it in the neck at home.

He says I have a right to be angry with him but I shouldn't doubt him - if he didn't keep telling me lies I wouldn't - arghh.

Ok my lovely friends, please talk some objective sense into this old nut, I'm too emotional to stand back and do so myself right now. All input will be gratefully received. :)

[Jake2008]

Have you considered contacting her yourself? Call and tell her you are planning a surprise birthday party, everyone is sworn to secrecy. Then, don't invite anybody else.

Or ask her over for dinner, or the next time your husband goes out in a 'group', you go too, or show up.

Or you could send her an email and say that you realize she is out of town, but when she returns, could she give you a call. Don't say about whqt- make them both sweat.

Not so sure a little reality 'event' isn't a good way to go. He will continue to lie, and she will continue to be 'the other woman', until both of them realize you are in the picture, not sitting idly by. If you can make a polite point with both of them, it may be enough for him to finally stop with the games, and send a message to her, that you are going to continue to be in the picture- directly.

[QLP]

Thanks again Jake. I was mulling over your suggestion.

I don't actually have her phone number myself, and as hubby was very cross about me looking in his phone I didn't want to just go get it there and cause more arguments so I decided I would just nicely say, let's invite her, and her partner if he wants to come, over to dinner.

He got really angry and said 'no way, that's not going to happen.'

He is also angry with her now as, 'I didn't contact her for months because we were sorting us out, so how come she never contacted me? '

He said he's not contacting her again anyway as he's angry she's not making the effort. Then he said if she contacts him he will tell me.

He has been calling me a 'dictator' for the last couple of days but I don't really understand what he means. He said this when I suggested inviting her for dinner. It seems any suggestion I make is dictatorship. It's like he doesn't want me having any control or input in this situation.

We talked (argued) on about all sorts of things that didn't really go anywhere as not only do I not understand where his head is but, he admits himself, neither does he. He said I am trying to control him and won't let him do what he wants. I asked him what he wants to do that I am preventing but he said he doesn't know.

Things weren't getting anywhere so I said, 'Ok, so you need time to get your head straight and this isn't helping so we need to put it aside. You're not going to contact X and you will tell me if she contacts you and we'll take it from there. Can we try and muddle on until you work out whatever it is you need to. Shall we leave it at that?'

He said, 'if that's what YOU want I guess I'll have to agree.' I said, 'I'm just repeating what you said and trying to draw a line under it for now.That's not me dictating the terms.' He said, 'what do you want it in writing?'

He then said, 'I might change my mind and decide to contact her - long pause - but I'll tell you next time.'

He won't go to counselling, I think he's actually scared the counsellor might take my side or something. I have never been to counselling but I don't think that's how it works anyway but as I have no experience I can't really tell him what to expect and anyway me insisting on that would be me dictating again...

I asked him what it is he wants from me. He said, 'stop trying so hard.' 'Just be happy, if everything between us is great I'm sure all this will stop being a problem.' The thing is things seemed to be the best they had been between us for some time just before I found out about the lying and sneaking around again. When I said that to him he agreed and said,'Yeh I know I've blown it again, I keep making bad decisions.'

[positiveparent]

I hope you can resolve these issues with your husband.

[QLP]

Here again sigh, and no further forwards.

Nearly 3 weeks since our last chat and we're sort of getting on but there's just no closeness at all. The best I can hope for is he is happy reading in the corner or watching TV. The rest of the time he accuses me of criticising him or dictating to him when I'm really not.

Eg. We went on a nice drive and walk. He always seems reasonably happy when we are walking in the countryside. We saw a nice pub advertising food. I said, 'I'll have to treat you to a meal there, do the driving so you can have a drink, and maybe have my wicked way with you, (wink)' All said very light heartedly and affectionately. He then said, 'are you dictating to me again?' He then proceeded to tell me how offensive it was that I would assume I could have sex with him just because I was planning to take him out for a meal and a drink. He likened it to a guy taking a girl on a first date and doing the same. Err - we've been married 25 years?!

Another time we were both running some errands. He said he was going to the bank and hardware shop after lunch. We got home and had lunch then he said, 'so what is it we're doing now?', I said, 'well we said I'm doing... and your going to the bank and hardware shop.' He then said, 'are you dictating to me again?' - I mean he was asking me to remind him!

It's two and a half months since we last had sex, I only know because of my other thread lol:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...-437747-3.html

Incidentally I thought we had reached some kind of turning point there, but apparently not...

Apart from the comment I made above I haven't approached him apart from one time I simply got a liittle amorous during a cuddle and he pushed me off saying, 'your'e sex mad!'

I asked him if he is OK today. I mean, it's clear he's not himself but I don't know how to broach it. He said, 'I met T (a friend of him and the female friend) and it reminded me of X but I'm banned from contacting her.'

How many times do I have to tell him that's not the case? - the conversation 2 posts back was our last on it. I asked him, 'what's the problem, is it that you only want to contact her if you do it in secret?' He said, 'I don't know.. '

It's like every time I try and find out what's wrong, this woman is the first thing he mentions, but he makes no sense in what he says, other than sounding totally love-slapped, which he denies. His behaviour has got so odd I can't decide if he's losing his marbles or trying to drive me to call time - I did ask - he assures me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...

I look back and his personality changed the moment he met this woman and it hasn't changed back, and it's well over a year now. He can't see any difference, but I'm not the only one to have noticed. He sometimes says he's depressed but when I ask him what about, or what he wants to do about it, he just goes on about this woman.

I've said he can text her. I've said he can invite her round to dinner. I just don't know what else to try, short of hitting him over the head with a heavy object to knock some sense in there lol.

Seriously though, this is really dragging me down now, I'm not a happy bunny. :(

[positiveparent]

Aaawwwwwww QLP, I really do feel for you, I can tell this hurts you very profoundly, I can see and understand why.

There is definitely something going on with you SO for him to be responding to you how he is, your making a little sexual suggestion or remark isn't dictating, nor was your reminding him about some jobs he had to get done.

Those were perfectly normal and acceptable comments, not dictations.

Plus with you having been married for 25 years I would think you're entitled to make all the sexual suggestions you want to him, and that he would love you for it.

I could be wrong, however as you've stated his attitude towards yourself and your marriage does appear to have changed since meeting this woman, I have read back through all posts in this thread.

Could it maybe be he has had an affair with this other woman?

This must be so hard for you and yet you are very understanding towards his changes, more so than many women would be, you're also prepared to make allowances too, what more could any woman do. Or any Man want.

Do you think marriage guidance/relate may help you with this?

I really admire your strength and self discipline in this, you show great strength of character, I think I would have been sorely tempted to whack him over the head with a frying pan by now LOL.

Seriously I hope this helps, and know you are not in the wrong. You're a rock, and this man of yours needs to see this, and appreciate you, before its too late.

Good Luck.