[cody2u2u]

Hi, I am 68 years old and have taken care of two adult mentally challenged men in my home for the past 11 years. They are both very sweet and independent and can verbally communicate with others. They love my family and my children especially. .
I have three daughters ,They are all over the age of 40,and five grandchildren that I have helped always with money matters and we were very close. I have always had them come home for Holiday dinners and enjoyed watching my grandchildren grow. They have always been my heart.
Two of my daughter that are close in age are closer then anyone in the family. They always stick up for each other and if they disagree with something I have said or done in the past, they would verbally attack me and call me crazy. I tell you this because it is relevant to this problem we are now having.
Recently my youngest daughter wanted to increase her income and decided it was her time to take over the care of my two boys that I care for. I am not ready to retire and besides I do not think of caring for them as a job. I think of them as part of my family. I love them and they love me. I take them everywhere I go on vacations and put them first when it comes to needs as I do for my own children. That is the problem.
My daughters want me to give the boys up. They want me to send them away and be retired. When I refused to do so they called the agency I enrolled the boys with and told them the boys are abused so they would be forced out of my home. There was an investigation and of course the agency said that the boys were questioned as well as people that are around them and they said they found no reason to think that the boys are anything but happy.
Then, my daughter decided to involve my boyfriend, a long time relationship of 20 years and accuse him of being abusive. Again investigated and found untrue. My boyfriend takes these men to football games and hockey games and spends a lot of time with them and loves them. He was never married and had children of his own and has always been good to my children and grandchildren. Again the investigation was unfounded.
Now the daughters said they will not come home for holidays or ever if I don’t get rid of these men. They will not have anything to do with me and they are sending me hate mail and talking to people that know about us, and telling other family members that I lost it and I am totally crazy. This is very hurtful. I am in great pain for the loss of my daughter and grandchildren and anyone who listens to them. I refuse to give up these men that I love and beside I would not know what kind of home they would have to go to if I did. Here I know they are treated very good and love us and much as I love them.
I don’t know what my daughters think I will do with my time once these men are gone. I don’t want to become an old lady alone. I am sure my children would not come around often enough to fill in the gap that losing my boys would make in my life. They all have their own lives. Because I do not give in to my children they are sending me hate mail saying I am crazy and they will not have anything to do with me. When I send them mail they always take that opportunity to call me names and say something very hurtful. I can not believe that these are my daughters who I have helped so much in the past and have circled my life around. I don’t understand how they can hurt me so much. The holdiays will be empty without them.
What would you do?

[RadioActive697]

What would I do? What you should do? You can't take care of the men forever. But in my opinion when it is your time to retire I would not give them to your daughters. I would give them to someone who doesn't lie and who I can trust. Your daughters seem very cruel and lord knows that if they treat you like that who knows how they would treat the men. I know they are you daughters but just don't communicate with them. Don't give in. Ignore that kiddy stuff. Live your life and just worry about the men! Good Luck

[Jake2008]

RadioActive has a good point there. It might be a good idea to have plans made ahead in the event of some unforseen accident that would see you unable to care for your boys. Speak with the agency mentioned, and ask them for guidance in this regard. Best to have some sort of plan in place considering the actions of your daughters.

Next I hope you have a will. If you don't, get one, and eliminate your daughters from any inheritance. Arrange to have your estate settled with an executor you trust, and all monies put into safekeeping to support the boys.

As to the girls. It seems that you cannot win on love alone. You offer love, they offer selfishness, criminal accusations to the authorities, deceipt, lies, and abuse. They are in their 40's, they're all grown up mom! Time to cut those toxic apron strings, stop taking the abuse, and call your own shots.

The stress of dealing with adults like this won't stop until you stop dealing with them. Period. If it were me, I would send them an email. Tell them that you do not wish to have contact with them the next while, until Easter. At that time you will reconsider allowing them into YOUR home for Easter dinner, and only if you are convinced they have stopped trying to run your life and everything in it.

Let them flounder with a little bit of reality here that they really desperately need. You are doing them no favours in allowing their behaviour toward you, it has to stop, and stop now. Include in your email the obvious, that you love them and hope it all works out in a few months, then stick to it.

You will appreciate the peace I suspect, and the confidence of taking charge of your life. You are not eliminating them permanently, you are only taking your life back, and it will take time, patience and determination.

Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission. My advice is to stop giving it to them.

[bigblack]

Jake, I like (even love) what you are saying here.

Cody, I've come to my own sometimes painful realization that even though we call other's 'family' and expect that within this
Haven of 'family' we will all love one another and have each other's best interest's at heart... It's not always the case, it's probably not even mostly the case. So if you need to distance yourself from your daughters for some time to make them understand that you won't take their bullying (well, that's the word I get from reading your post), then accept that in a loving and self-loving way, and do what Jake suggests.

On the other hand... there is always that other hand... it's hard for me not to question why your loving daughters would question your ability to bring up these adult mentally challenged individuals... it's too hard for me to believe that THEY (your daughters) want the financial gain of bringing up of these SAME individuals. It can't be that hard to find your own clients to care for. Sorry, Cody, I know it just isn't. So what are your children really suggesting? Could someone younger do more to enhance the lives of these individuals you love so dearly? Be honest and try to understand why your own children would question your ability to guide these men. Is it possible someone younger may offer more than you? I don't mean that as age discrimination, but your daughter's may recognize that and consequently offered their support in 'taking over' the raising of these men for you, as opposed to be selfishly looking for their own financial gain for themselves. It's not that lucrative of a 'living' (especially split two ways)... I know.

"I am sure my children would not come around often enough to fill in the gap that losing my boys would make in my life."

I can't help but point out that it's not all about you. It's about the boys. Think about what's best for you, not about the void in your life that would be present (not necessarily forever, but for awhile) think about what's best for the boys without your own ego being present.

My best wishes to you... and even more, the boys.

[cody2u2u]

I want to thank you so much for answering my blog.
I would like to answer some of your questions. I am in good health and I would consider myself a young 68 years old. By no means am I ready for the rocker. I live my life making a home for my family and being there whenever my daughters need help financially. They are struggling to make a living. I have helped them out of over drafts at the bank. I paid for their heat in the winter. Supplied their food and gave them money for gasoline for their cars and paid bills. I handed out money last year for them to spend on Christmas. Don't get me wrong. I am not rich. With helping my daughters so much, I myself live on a very tight budget and even do without necessary things myself to provide for them. Yes they do need more income which I truly believe is responsible for my youngest daughter behavior. I think she thought if the agency I provide family care for would take them from me, they would allow her to take over in their care. That would provide a decent income for her and she would not have to go out and work. She would do as she has been watching me do the last 11 years. She has applied to the agencies around our area and has no luck in getting placement for her own individuals. My daughter is not happy working outside the home and she has even said that I make this look easy to the point she wants be a family living provider. It is not always easy. However, it is very rewarding and perfect for someone who is an empty nester that loves to care for others. No only that, I must admit, these boys are my life too. They bring me joy, companionship and love me unconditionally. What more could anyone ask for in family.
I worked all my life. I retired from a state job and draw a pension. I am sure my daughters think I can survive without the income of my boys. However, it is not the income that drives me to not send the boys away. I love them both dearly. I do worry about where they would end up in someone else care. Here I know that they have what they need, and yes, want. My other daughter is sticking up for my youngest daughter. She calls me crazy for thinking that my youngest would be as low as to take the boys from me for money reasons. (That is what my youngest daughter is telling her.) My daughters think that I chose the boys over them because I did not meet with their demands. That would be ridiculous to think that because they are my own daughters that I love. I have always loved them and my grandchildren. I have provided the same help for my grown grandchildren when they needed me.
What hurts me the most is that my daughters could have sent me to jail with accusations of abuse if anyone would have thought that I abuse my boys. Thank God that everyone around the boys can see how they are happy and well cared for. They know that I would never do anything to hurt them. The boys themselves told the agency that they are happy. The investigators had them role-play and helped them describe their treatment here. They asked them if they are happy and if there are any times of any abuse.
My daughters them went into a face-saving mode and said that they meant my boyfriend of 20 years had a temper and they thought that he would be likely to abuse them. Again, role play, questions to my boys and people around them proved that to be false. Now my daughters are afraid they have lost face and are telling the agency that I am lying. Well, that would mean everyone is lying that they talked to.
So now I am receiving hate mail. I do mean hate. I managed to survive their assault against me and they did not win. I think their anger is what is driving them now. They said they will never come to visit me until I get rid of the boys.
My heart is broken. I have lived my whole life for them. This whole reason for taking the boys in in the first place was for me to have something to do for a few years and supplement my income so I could help my daughters financially. However, it turned in to more then that for me. I am even considering adopting these men. If I do there will be no hope of reconciliation with my own children. So, I won't adopt. But I am not ready to let go of my boys who I love and care for. Weeks go by before my own children come to visit. They come when they need something. These boys are here all the time. They tell me everyday they love me. They smile and give me reason to smile instead of setting her alone waiting for my own children to do what they call their “duty� visit.
There are a lot of older Americans that are out there working so they don't die of loneliness. Maybe that is my selfishness that I hang onto my boys. What ever. They are my life and as long as I can have them I intend to enjoy their smiles. I intend to cook their meals and hear them tell me “that is good�. I intend to see them proudly walk with me into public places and pick out toys and cloths they want or eat at nice restaurants with me.
Because my children's punishment at Christmas to me is not including me at my home, I am going to take my boys to Florida and visit Disney, University Studios and Sea World so they are not missing my daughters so much. ( Me too.) We are going to travel in my RV from Pennsylvania to Florida in a three day trip and eat at Paula Dean's restaurant in Savannah Georgia on our way to Florida. We will stay in Florida for three and one half weeks. I am not going to contact my daughters for awhile. They will have to contact me. They will be welcomed with open arms and my love for them will over shadow the hurt and pain I feel over this whole thing. But I will never trust them again. I will never let down my guard and I think they need to learn that tough love that I should have given them when they were younger is about to land on them in their forties.
My daughters sent me hate mail and say I am crazy and they feel sorry for me. They say I am filled with the devil and I am not doing what God wants me to do. They want to see me fail so they can say I told you so. They leave me no choice but to love them from afar for awhile. I will not allow them to come to my home and involve my boys in there spiteful ways. My boys are not able to process hate. They only know love. That is something I was hoping they would know. I guess I am never too old to learn new things. I never thought my daughters were capable of such deceitfulness.

I am looking out for my boys and dong what is best for them. It would really hurt them to lose their home here. They would not understand why I sent them away. I confess there are days when I am tired and wish I could sleep in. There are more times that I am happy and watching them smile and laugh that make up for those times. Yes, I am convinced that putting them first over me or my daughters in the way to go for now.
I thank you so much for all your advice. I needed to hear what you say so I don't think I am so selfish that I am not looking at the whole picture. The big help was the question of who am I putting first and that really helped me make up my mind. I will put first will the need is the greatest. I had some time to think about the pain and self pity. And now, I can look at where the need is in a better light. What I think is best for the boys and what the agency thinks is best for them as well. If they would have thought that my keeping them was not best for them….I would not be writing this right now.
God Bless you.

[Wondergirl]

Cody, I'm slightly younger than you and have an adult autistic son, so I can relate a bit to what you are saying.

How would your daughter care for "differently abled" clients whom she might be able to get from an agency? Would she pour the same love and attention into their lives as you do into the lives of your boys, or would she set them up in recliners in front of the television while she collected a regular paycheck and could stay home? From your description, I don't get the feeling that she would take them shopping and to ball games and to the library. She wouldn't know how to be a mother to them since she doesn't know how to be a daughter to you.

Yes, put some space between the two of you. The Florida trip sounds like a good start. Don't respond to her emails or phone messages. Don't allow any opportunity for fights and disagreements or for her to know your business. Trust me, this is not cruel but, like was already said, is tough love. And don't ever trust her no matter how compliant and loving she becomes, if she does.

I agree -- talk with the agency about the boys' future. You are healthy, but I know from personal experience that medical problems can sneak up on a person. None of us will live forever; please make sure the boys have a secure life after you are no longer in it.

[Gemini54]

I have to say that I'm absolutely appalled that anyone could behave with such hatred and lack of compassion like your daughters.

Do you have a sense what has caused this turnaround? Is it jealously? Is it that you've ignored them to the exclusion of your disabled charges? Is it sheer mean spiritedness?

Sending you hate letters and calling you crazy seem like TOTALLY out of proportion responses to the circumstances.

Since you seem to love your daughters, and by your reckoning, you seem to have been generous with them, I'm at a loss as to what to suggest.

All I can say is that if there are people in your life that are causing you distress, grief and pain (whomever they may be) they are best avoided and ignored.

I would put 'return to sender' on any letters they send - and return them unopened. I would, for the time being, not initiate any contact at all with them. I would go on holidays and be unavailable for any of their unpleasantness.

As an aside, are you able to speak to your other daughter, that doesn't seem as involved in this drama, and ask her what's REALLY going on?

[JoeCanada76]

I personally would say good riddens to your daughters. They are not really family. Might be blood related but sounds like they are full of jealousy of you taking care of these men, but that is their own problem not yours. How is your christmas going to be empty when you have your boyfriend, and these two lovely men that are very kind and loving in nature.

Let your daughters to their own vices. They are giving you ultimatums that should never be spoken of. If they have done all this to you then it is time to say good bye and good riddens and focus on the life that makes you happy.

They need to learn to make themselves happy and until they do unfortunately they will try to bring everybody down with them, but that is their choice to make.

Your choice is to be happy. Their choice is to be miserable. Do not let them stop you from having a merry christmas without them. You already have your family with you.

God bless,

Joe

[JoeCanada76]

Best thing to do is not have any contact. Not saying it is going to be easy, but being around loving people. People who are respectful and loving is more important then trying to deal with people who just want to tear your life apart to make themselves feel better about their own life and not wanting to take the blame of their own actions by putting all the crap on you. It is a shame but unfortunately happens all the time in relatives.

[cody2u2u]

To answer you question Gemini54 “ are you able to speak to your other daughter, that doesn't seem as involved in this drama, and ask her what's REALLY going on?�

Yes I do speak to my oldest daughter. She is five years older then my other two daughters who are only 15 months apart in age. The two younger daughter 44 and 45 years old stick together no matter what one does the other daughter will stick up for her. I always thought that was a good thing.

My oldest daughter just “can't be bother with their drama� . She sticks by me and her advice is to let the two younger daughters stand on their own feet for awhile. I have always gave in to them. My older daughter has never asked me for help and is always more independent. She grew up much faster and is very level headed. She said she tried to talk to the younger sisters but they accuse her of siding with me and called us both crazy.

My friends do not know what is gone on with my daughters. I do not tell anyone anything and I guess that is why I am doing this blog. To get feed back and see if there is a reason that I could be the one that is wrong here. I have done so much sole searching and praying to let me see the error of my ways. But all I see is what I am doing out of love.

It is hard to let go of children that I have loved so long. It is even harder over the Holidays. They have talked to their children, my grandchildren, and instructed them to stay clear of me. I have my oldest daughter and her two sons. That really helps me a lot. We do not speak of what is taking place with my other two daughters. I do not want to start a war. The only thing my oldest daughter and her sons hear is through my other two daughters. When my oldest brings up the subject I tried to make light of it and change the subject.

I am happy I have good friends and good siblings. If this should spill over to my siblings then I will have to address that when it happens. I hope not. My siblings have always loved my children and remarked how sweet they thought my daughters were. They are sweet and do remarkable good deeds for others. I am proud of them. However, they are being very hateful to me right now because I refuse to give in to their demands. Plus I really feel that my youngest daughter wanted to take over the boys to increase her income and not have to leave her house to work.

. I truly feel that these boys of mine will not have it as good as they have it with me. My daughter are too selfish for that. They have demonstrated to me in the past that they would not be so kind and loving. They would not have the patients and understanding that it takes to work with these boys. They have become jealous and irritated with them on different occasions. I have had to redirect my boys from showing my daughters too much love because my daughters do not want them to be what they call, too comfortable. My daughters remind me that they are not really family. However, I do feel after 11 years that they are family. The same as if I would have adopted two more children. I understand that I will not live forever. I also know that the only way my daughters would carry on the care of these boys would be for money. I only hope that won't happen to my boys. After I am gone I hope they both are placed in loving homes and cared for in the manner that they deserve.

God Bless you and keep you advice coming. Maybe you see something in all this that I miss.

[bigblack]

Cody, my hat's off to you.

After reading your response, I don't get any feeling that you're not in this for any greater reason than the two boy's well-being. So, stay strong. Your efforts are well worth the uncomfortable and hurtful remarks of your youngest daughters. Two boys depend on that, and I have the feeling you won't disappoint! So, again, I have to express that I'm humbled by how generous you are in giving your heart to these men - so happy that they found you (or vice versa).

In my opinion, your daughters are trying to get their way by emotionally blackmailing you. I wish that you would take all of the generous financial offerings OFF the table. First, because at their age, they need to stand on their own feet. Second, it takes out the need to strike out at you in any financial way (ie... presuming your daughter really wants to take over responsibility of these men for financial gain). That's a secret that only the financially secure only know... money isn't worth sacrificing family, or anything for.

Although Holidays are often the sore spot in having hard times with family... try to back up enough to see that behavior disqualifies family ties. I mean, what's right and what's wrong should not be qualified by the relationship of the 'accused' if you know it's meant for less than moral reasons, you know it's just wrong. Know, in your heart of hearts, your boys need you more than your biological daughters do at the moment. Do these boys right by protecting them like you've been doing for past 11 years. That's the 'right' thing to do. Hopefully, with an open heart, open mind, your girls will come back to you with their beautiful children in tow. But not with any selfish intentions. Shouldn't be invited into your home.

My best,

BB

[RadioActive697]

I really do hope the best for you and your boys! Best Wishes and have a good thanksgiving! - Autumn