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letitbe1111 · Nov 20, 2009, 09:00 PM

I was involved in a year and a half relationship that I ended 6 months ago. My ex was controlling. He never raised a hand to me, but when I would try to leave he would always try to talk me out of it. When I would try to leave in frustration, he would physically restrain me. It is hard to explain the dynamics, but he was definitely emotionally controlling. I'm relieved to be out, but he still contacts me at least once a month (after several stern responses to his phone calls it has dwindled to this). It was so bad that I left a lot of my things at his place and was unable to retrieve them because I knew he would make it miserable for me and he kept trying to get me alone in his place.

I'm finally free, but he emailed me today to say that he has my keys to my house and car. I'm really alarmed because there were at least 3 occasions where I noticed a lock was locked that I never lock. I was panicked, but finally decided I must have locked it without realizing it. Now I'm really worried.

I can change my locks on my house, but what about my car. I have a remote key lock and I wonder how much it would cost to change it. Should I bother? Beyond just reasoning, I have been afraid of him for quite some time. I worry that he would be someone who might do something irrational. He is a driven businessman and was laid off from his dream job about a month ago. He has no family that he speaks to and I worry he might be slightly irrational right now. He seems to believe that he can control everything including my feelings for him.

What should I do? We aren't young kids. I'm 36 and he's 38. He's supposed to come drop off the keys tomorrow or Sunday.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 20, 2009, 09:29 PM

First when he physically restrained you, that is ( at least in GA) a form of kidnapping and a felony and you should have filed a police report when that happened.

You needed to have a police officer go with you to his place to get your items.

You said " you can change the house locks " why in gods name have you not done that day one, I would have done that long before typing here asking about it.

Next for home and car, get alarm systems, he will not know the codes, so even with a key to the car, an alarm goes off and it will ( with right system) shut the car down.

And for sure an alarm for your home ( that is just common sense in today's society)

Next don't let him "drop the keys off" he will have made copies anyway. Just tell him to mail them, don't go to the door if you are home alone, if he comes to the door, ( have a chain on all outside doors) tell him to drop them in the mail box and leave, if he does not call the police THEN>

jaime90 · Nov 21, 2009, 11:11 AM

If you have to, get the police involved. Get an alarm for your house- do ANYTHING that will make YOU feel safer. You are out of his control now, and it's all about #1- (that's you) and your own safety. Make that your biggest concern, and protect yourself. If that means changing the lock to your car, fine. Get a restraining order if you must. Do what you can to make sure that you are safe, and can sleep at night with peace of mind.

Jake2008 · Nov 21, 2009, 11:32 AM

Had to spread the love Jamie, but that is a really good point.

She needs to do, to whatever extent, safety precautions so that SHE feels safe. Not 'just enough', but enough that she can feel, and know, she is secure.

justcurious55 · Nov 21, 2009, 11:44 AM

In addition to everyone else's suggestions, self defense classes and pepper spray on your key chain might not be a bad idea. You can make your house safer. And you car. But this guy doesn't seem quite right in the head. And I don't want to frighten you anymore, but since I think it is a real possibility with someone like this, who know if he's stalking you. Or maybe he will stalk you later. He was controlling to begin with. You mentioned he got laid off. While most of us view the holidays as cheerful, happy times, people who are single and don't want to be single during the holidays don't always find them so happy. You need to learn to protect yourself in case he comes to you someplace unexpected. That way if he follows you out of work to your car, or maybe when you do your holiday shopping later, you'll feel safe knowing you can take care of yourself.

Gemini54 · Nov 21, 2009, 03:40 PM

Change all locks - care, house, windows immediately. Do not answer the door when he comes round or leave and visit a friend.

File a report with the police and get a restraining order. Do not EVER answer any of his calls again. Text him to let him know what you've done and then delete his number from your phone. In fact, get yourself a new phone and a new number.

You do not want this man in your life. If he has physically restrained you from leaving the house in the past this is violence. Trust your intuition, if you think he's dangerous and irrational then he is.