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Rockursock · Nov 19, 2009, 02:17 PM

I apologize for the length of this... but I need help

I met this girl through a good friend, and found out a while ago that she thought I was cute and that she liked me. For a long time I didn't think that she was my type at all. I saw her a lot because she's friends with my friend, and started to realize that she is actually a really cute, cool girl. The problem was that I noticed that my friend really had feelings for her so I wanted to back off. Unfortunately, throughout drunken nights where she was around we ended up making out on a few occasions, but only when under the influence. I actually was starting to like this girl, but I still was afraid to pursue anything. Friends first!! I wasn't sure if it was wrong of me to go after her. I took her on a date one night and spent time alone with her another time, but nothing happened more than kissing. But, I also was sending very mixed messages to this girl when I really didn't want to. In a way this probably helped my cause because she was the one initiating the conversations, and I had a mysterious aspect that kept her wondering. After probably a month and a half since the first time we kissed, my friend actually ends up finding a girl. With that I decide to make a real move. Of course it happened when we were drunk, but she stayed the night. In my bed she specifically told me that "I hope you don't think your going to fu$$ me tonight". I played it cool saying that it would be nice but I completely respected the fact she was so straight foreword. I do have to mention that we discussed this whole situation that night. She told me that she can't figure me out, but she really liked me and I replied with the same. I also regretfully (being drunk) explained to her why I had been so weird about things because of the whole friend situation. It was after that night when I think I messed up. I completely changed the way I acted toward her, showing her too much interest. We went out again on a day hike date to the top of foothill overlooking the town, which was awesome I might add. However, now that I think back, this was when our whole situation turned to me taking initiative in calling. In fact, I was the only one making the calls and texts now. Also, again being drunk, I have complimented her way too much (at least I think). I don't want to be too nice. Anyway, her ex-boyfriend who had gone out with her for about 3 years has had problems with drugs and legal issues and she has had to take care of him. I had completely understood, having been in the same length relationship, and wishing that I had kept in touch but didn't. I guess I completely don't regret this I just again don't want to be too nice. There have also been different situations where I have tried to contact her but her cell has been "dead" and just recently the screen broke so she can only answer calls not make them or text. I don't want to ruin this and still want her to have that spark she previously had. Even though I told myself that I don't want a relationship right now I can see this turning into one. Unfortunately, I am in that trap of liking her too much and probably more than she likes me. So my question is if anyone thinks I messed things up and lost her interest? And... what should I do about calling her? I feel like I haven't called too much, but almost too much. Also, I feel like I am acting different from the person she initially liked because now I really like her. What do you guys think? Thank you so much.

dream11207 · Nov 19, 2009, 02:43 PM

Id give her some space. Wait a week and then call her. Don't let too much time go by though, weeks good.

dream11207 · Nov 19, 2009, 02:55 PM

I'm in a similar situation sort of... its like you hit that month and a half to two months and then it either should turn into something or just end... I sound like a hypocrite though because I'm still letting the games go on instead of ending it even though I should. Am I right? About two months you have been hangin out?

Rockursock · Nov 19, 2009, 03:05 PM

Well truly its not so easy to answer that because I'm not sure if you can consider that hanging out. Really its been like 2 maybe 3 weeks that we actually hung out consistently. I can't believe I feel this way but I actually hope something becomes of this.

jaime90 · Nov 19, 2009, 03:11 PM

You may have lost her interest maybe you haven't. The best way to find out is to ask her. Either way though, you were REALLY pushing things, and if I were her, I would feel pressured into a relationship with you. I would recommend not hanging out with her drunk, or in drinking scenes.
Compliments and kisses from a drunk person are about as nice as compliments and kisses with sexual intentions- they're nice to have, but they don't spur deepness of relationship, romance, and commitment like compliments and kisses our of a sincere heart, and most of us know that.

BlackVY · Nov 19, 2009, 03:14 PM

Hmmm sounds to me she liked the thill of the chase in way, like she enjoyed the part where you were mysterious and hard to get and didn't let her in, but now that she is in, and knows you like her a lot, I guess the initial excitement has gone. Its not as fun or challenging for her anymore.

I could be wrong, but maybe you should try to hold back a little, maybe not drink so much (Lol)... and be a little more mysterious to make her want to come to you, instead of you always going go her.

Rockursock · Nov 19, 2009, 03:19 PM

Thank you... I think your absolutely right... hopefully I didn't mess this up

Rockursock · Nov 19, 2009, 03:27 PM

Actually do you really think I should ask her? I feel like I should back off a lot and try to now let her know that I actually do like her a lot.

jaime90 · Nov 19, 2009, 03:28 PM

The only way to know is to ask her straight up. Don't try to put it off, or get nervous. If you like this girl and want a real, serious relationship, you can't be afraid to be honest, so start now!

I think it would be fine to ask. You can survive whatever her answer is, you're not going to die, and if she likes you enough she isn't going to let a question you ask her get in the way of you two being together. I think that if you're genuine, sincere, and not drunk, you more than likely won't come off to her as pushy, and may even come off as an honest, open man who isn't afraid to express his feelings.. The only way to know, like I said, is to ask her.

BlackVY · Nov 19, 2009, 03:33 PM

Hmmm sounds to me she liked the thill of the chase in way, like she enjoyed the part where you were mysterious and hard to get and didn't let her in, but now that she is in, and knows you like her a lot, I guess the initial excitement has gone. Its not as fun or challenging for her anymore.

I could be wrong, but maybe you should try to hold back a little, maybe not drink so much (Lol)... and be a little more mysterious to make her want to come to you, instead of you always going to her.

Rockursock · Nov 19, 2009, 03:46 PM

I think I'm going to try both suggestions.. And yes being rejected will not really be bad. I am not desperate. However, and this is why I care, I like her to a point now (don't know her all that well) but really see myself learning to like her more and more. So I guess I'm saying is that girls like her don't come around often and I don't want to mess it up

BlackVY · Nov 19, 2009, 03:54 PM

Understandable... nobody wants to mess up because if they do, they may regret it and think they have lost "the one", so do your best, but like you said, you are not desperate. Have some dignity, be a man, be yourself and if she doesn't share the same feelings for you, there is nothing you can do.

Rockursock · Nov 19, 2009, 04:00 PM

Amen to that

BlackVY · Nov 19, 2009, 04:03 PM

Glad you agree... lots of guys will chase after the girl, making her feel more trapped and smothered... making her want nothing to do with you. The thing that made her chase after you in the first place was your mystery, so if you keep that sometimes, she will try to get closer to you, get in, and then both of you can start to get to know each other better

jaime90 · Nov 19, 2009, 04:13 PM

Here's something I've been told, it was aimed toward guys but I'm sure some women feel the same way... I do at some times. I was told that guys like to work for things- the more they can't get what they want, the more they work for it, and the more they value, what they can't get. a.k.a. If you're saving up for a car- the more you save, the better the car is looking to you, the more it's worth to you, the more you want it, and that's why women play hard-to-get... because they like guys to chase them. However, not all girls feel this way. I was pursued by my fiancé (he went to my parents to tell them he was interested.) But I also met him halfway. It really depends on what you believe would work best with this woman. This why friendship first is a good idea- when the time comes to be quiet or speak up, fix a problem of hers or give her a hug, ask her out, or even what to get her as a birthday present, you will know enough about her to not sit there wondering for eternity.

BlackVY · Nov 19, 2009, 04:16 PM

Bingo... nothing worth it comes easy... you have to work hard to get something good...

But also, there is a limit to how much work a person is willing to put in to get something...

In the end, hopefully the prize is worth the effort...

Rockursock · Nov 19, 2009, 04:17 PM

This is a trait of all human beings. This is why so many people have a hard time with relationships. Its hard to control your emotions when you get interested. Very good point.
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH

jaime90 · Nov 19, 2009, 04:20 PM

Yeah, I agree, but it also depends on what kind of effort you're putting in. i.e.. Chasing a girl takes less effort than keeping up a marriage for a lifetime. You will always be putting forth work and effort if you're in a relationship, but most of the prizes will consistently change. Some things though should be unconditional, like assuring your wife/husband of your love- you can't just quit doing that because it takes too much work. I agree w you BlackVY.

jaime90 · Nov 19, 2009, 04:22 PM

Rockursock: everyone gets wrapped up in emotions when it comes to a relationship. That's why it's important to think with your head, not your feelings- so you're living in reality, not in a romance novel. It is only human to be feelings oriented.

Rockursock · Nov 19, 2009, 04:27 PM

True... I actually just thought about something else, all me and this girl have done is kissed. It kind of threw me off her telling me she didn't want to have sex so I didn't want to push anything. She also hasn't slept over ever since that first time like 2 weeks ago. From a females point of view is that a sign of me being insecure or something, or is that good? Mind you that we are juniors in college and this is going slower than most high school relationships