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mikekelly2033 · Nov 19, 2009, 08:25 AM

I have been in a relationship for 3 and a half years with a girl. She broke up with me recently. It was really hard on me, and I needed to know why she did it. After talking to her, I found out that it was for a couple of things. One was because I was not a very affectionate person. I did not tell her I love her enough and do the little affectionate things that girls like. Also, on occasion I did not handle my drinking very well and would get in fights with her. I spent a 3 weeks leaving her alone and giving her space. During this time, I thought about the relationship and what I really want. I kept coming to the same conclusion that we were very good together and I still love this girl and want to see things through. So I decided to start making some changes in my life. I cut down on my drinking a lot and it really has been good for me. I have been trying to be nice and complimentary of other people. So after about 3 weeks, I contacted my ex and asked her out to breakfast. It was just casual and went really well. I then waited about 6 days and asked her to go out to dinner with me. She asked for time to think about it and then came back with a yes. We had a great time on that date as well, and had a talk about our relationship afterwards. She told me that she has been missing me and it has been hard. She said the first couple weeks were really easy, and the third week was hard and she was beginning to think about her decision. I told her that I want to see things through and take it slow before we break it off for good. She agreed. She began to contact me again and call me and text me about things. From there I asked her to dinner and a concert. She again hesitated and then came back with a yes. We recently just went. It was a really good time and we had lots of fun. On the way home I told her that I had a good time and I was missing her. This led to a conversation about a lot of things and I poured out my heart and told her how I am making changes and still love her and miss her and want to give it another go. She came back with she is just not in a situation at this time to get into a relationship. She said she was too hurt and didn't know if she could do it again right now. She said that she is scared that she will be hurt again. I tried telling her that things were going to be different. This went on for a while and then she kept giving me the same response and became cold to me. I realized I was pushing to hard, and gracefully bowed out and said I understand how your feeling and nothing I am going to tell you right now is going to make you change your mind. I said goodnight and left. I don't know what to do from here. I am very confused about what she is trying to tell me and what I am supposed to do. Do you have any insight or advice? Thanks in advance

kctiger · Nov 19, 2009, 08:49 AM

I would continue to give her more time and meanwhile, you continue to work on yourself. I think it is fantastic you are improving yourself for it will not only benefit any future relationships you have with, or without her, but it will improve the overall satisfaction of your life. Leave her alone for awhile, improve yourself some more and let her come to you if she so chooses.

Cat1864 · Nov 19, 2009, 10:01 AM

She has been honest that the relationship hurt her a lot. Fear of being hurt takes a lot to get over when you are contemplating a relationship with someone new, even more when it is with the person who hurt you. Give her time to heal and to see that you really have changed.

You can keep telling her that you've changed, but those are just words no matter how much you mean them. Actions that back up those words carry a lot more weight.

You can show her that you are more aware of her feelings by giving her space and time. Give her a chance to open up to you and find that you will be there. Give her a chance to see that you really aren't drinking as much as you were.

As kctiger said, continue to work on yourself for yourself. IF she comes back to you, then you are already on the road to building a better relationship. IF she doesn't, then you are building a stronger you and partner for your next girlfriend.

mikekelly123 · Nov 20, 2009, 01:34 AM

I spent a grand on a trip to dallas to watch a cowboys game. She bought a jersey and everything 3 days before we broke up. I found out that I cannot change the name on the ticket, and if I cancell the trip I get back $43 out of a grand. What should I do? Call her and ask her to go as friends and tell her I understand completelyif she doesn't want to go? Please help on this situation

amicon · Nov 20, 2009, 02:13 AM

Could you go with somebody else?

mikekelly2033 · Nov 20, 2009, 07:28 PM

No, her name is on the ticket, and it cannot be changed. If she does not go, I get $43 out of a $1,000 that I spent. Keep in mind this is a lot of money to me right now. I worked all summer to pay for this trip.

spacechallenged · Nov 20, 2009, 07:50 PM

Working on yourself for yourself and future relationships is a must. The way you were wasn't working in the past and will never in the future. So that's something you learned by being in this relationship. Let her know that you'd love to try again, but are willing to give her space while you both take a break. Make sure that she knows the rules, i.e. that if you are taking a break, both of you are free to date others. Don't use this as a threat, but just being honest. THEN, date others!! As hard as it is to believe, she is not the only person with whom you may click. Don't forget, any new people you meet are meeting the new, improved you. You have more to offer than before. Some people who you previously believed were "out of your league" may very well be thrilled by the person you now are. Perhaps she will never be able to see beyond the past. It just shouldn't be that hard!!

itried · Nov 20, 2009, 08:02 PM

I'm just wondering what she is "hurt" about? She dumped you, did she not? It doesn't make any sense for her to say that she doesn't want to be "hurt" again since she's the one who ended it. Dumping someone is hard and emotional but it doesn't "hurt" the dumper, who is already prepared to make the decision, but instead the dumpee.

You're the one who was "hurt" in this whole scenario and now it seems like she's playing the victim. It's nonsense. All this really means is that she feels that she wants something else and you're not that something. It's very immature for her to feel that just because your relationship wasn't perfect that it "hurts" her. This is unrealistic. People aren't perfect, so therefore neither are relationships. She needs to grow up. She probably wasn't hurting while you guys were together. Hindsight is 20/20 and now she says it "hurts"? I call BS.

I would advise you to get on with your life, no matter how hard it is right now. She doesn't want you, so you need to take advantage of the single life and work on yourself in the best way you know how. I say forget her.

mikekelly2033 · Nov 20, 2009, 08:29 PM

I agree with a lot of what you guys are advising. I think that she needs more space, and that is what I am going to give her right now no matter how hard it is. I am going to try to continue working on myself. We only have 2 weeks left of school for the semester, and then I am going home for winter break, and not coming back until mid march because of an internship that I will be doing in Chicago. I think that this 3 months will be a good test to see how she really feels. I was planning on waiting about a month and a half and sending her this letter that I wrote. Tell me what you think about it, and if you think it's appropriate.

Dear, xxxx I just wanted to send you a letter telling you that I am sorry for putting you in such a confusing and hurtful place over the last couple of months. I know it was not easy for you as it was not easy for me either. I just wanted so bad to show you how much I love and care for you, and how I have been making serious efforts to make changes in my life. It helped me to realize that you are truly not ready to give anything a second chance and that you are too hurt to get back into any type of relationship. I guess I was confused on your intentions despite what you clearly stated to me. I just misinterpreted your actions instead of listening to what you were telling me. Nevertheless, I just want you to know that I understand where you are coming from, and I will always love you and hope that one day your heart will give me that opportunity to prove to you how much I truly do care. If that day never comes, then I wish you the best in whatever God has in store for you in your future years. Until then though I am going to try to find peace in my life. This has been extremely hard for me, but I realize now that I would rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all. Please keep in touch.
Love, Mike

Shelly Burnett · Nov 20, 2009, 11:08 PM

:)
I think you can give her all the time in the world but I don't think its going to happen for you. She's probably moved on and has a new friend she's dating and probably, doesn't have the heart are guts to tell you. She's dumped you. How is she hurting? "Really now" if she loved you she would be with you. Love,learn,and live life. If I were you, I would run as fast as you can and don't look back. Keep on improving on yourself, life will only get better. GOOD LUCK!:)

paxe · Nov 20, 2009, 11:18 PM

I may be wrong, but did you start up with a plan to get back with her (coffe, then dinner, then... ). There is nothing much you can do right now, except giving her space and taking care of yourself. That means that you have to expect she won't come back and move on as if she isn't coming back. If she does then great, if not then continue the healing path.

Cat1864 · Nov 21, 2009, 06:23 AM

Mike, I am glad that you have this time away from her vicinity to think, heal and work on the changes you are making. I hope over the Holidays that you can keep up the good work on slowing down your drinking and being able to handle what you do drink.

Writing that out is probably good for you. I don't think sending it is a good idea and I wouldn't think of this as a test of anything. Healing from what sounds like a bad situation for her takes time and is different for each person. Part of her hurt is probably trying to figure out why she stayed as long as she did and worry that she is going to allow herself to take an emotional beating in her next relationship (with you or someone else). Those are things that she has to work on for herself as you have to work on showing affection and drinking.

Live your own life and just be open to her contacting you.

I just want to point out that sometimes the person doing the dumping is extremely hurt during and after the break-up. She may have known it was coming, but she was also on the receiving end of him not being able to handle his drinking. That takes an emotional toll of its own.

spacechallenged · Nov 21, 2009, 06:42 AM

EVERYBODY has gone through this. You are sooooo young. 20 years from now a 3 year relationship will seem brief. Remember, that when you think of this young woman, you are only remembering what you wanted the relationship to be, not what the two of you could make work. Also, there are many studies that show that these particular years are years in which young people really change who they are. That's one of the main benefits of education, but through these years young people also change emotionally, and as our brains continue to develop, our judgement capabilities change.
Ask any adult in their 30's or 40's or beyond. Hopefully, they can remember some positive relationships from their youth that are now for the most part fond, fun memories, BUT, they understand that the relationship wasn't THE one.
Don't write that letter. You have already been very clear to her that at this point you have regrets about how you handled the relationship.

Instead, focus on the end of term. This is NOT worth lowering your GPA about. Enjoy your family and friends from home over the holidays. Make a new beginning in Chicago. Continue to learn from the past and BE that new person for the other new people you meet.

talaniman · Nov 21, 2009, 08:39 AM

Nice letter, now burn it, and don't send it. You may not get a refund from your Cowboy tickets, but may be able to transfer them to another name. Worth a try.

It sucks when relationships end, for whatever reasons, but healing, and leaving her alone is your best option, although its your hardest one.

Use your new found freedom to build a life that you enjoy, without her, and enjoy the Cowboys game with a good bud. The new stadium is awesome.