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mama77 · Nov 18, 2009, 01:28 PM

My step daughter is 10. My husband and the child's mother have had shared custody since the child was 4 months old. Today she told her mother that she wants to spend more time with her, live with her a few more times a week. She spends a week there and a week with her father. We only live 5 blocks from one another in a small community. I do not think that this is a decision for her to make. Can anyone help, Please.

Gemini54 · Nov 18, 2009, 01:45 PM

Actually it probably is a decision that she can make. Her feelings need to be taken into account, and at 10, she is more than capable of telling you all how she feels.

The one week on one week off custody arrangement can be very disruptive for some children and they can feel unsettled and need more time with a primary carer.

Since you all live so close she can come and visit when she wants. You could invite her over for dinner or take her out somewhere and then you would see her more often.

In any case, it is up to her father and mother to negotiate this.

88sunflower · Nov 18, 2009, 01:52 PM

I do personally think she is old enough now to know who she wants to spend time with. She may be getting to that age where being around her mother more is good for her. The talks and the things a girl feels when growing up only a mother can relate to.

I think most important in this is to make sure there isn't any other reason she wants to spend time with her mother more. Meaning has there been problems with her and her father or you? Is she looking for revenge of some sort? As long as its in good intentions I don't see why she can't see her mother more and be old enough to make that decision.

The three of them should sit down and talk about it together.

MsMewiththat · Nov 18, 2009, 02:41 PM

I agree this is something that needs to be discussed with all parties. The reasons need to be taken in to consideration. You will want to avoid in the future her using her "power of choice" to bounce between houses when she's upset or the rules in one house are to strict or what have you. I think that it is important to listen to what she wants. Being so close to each other really allows her to come and go maybe on her bike or what have you but she may want to be a little more grounded and be uprooted less each week. It may be time to make a change or modification to the visitation set up. Just hear her out. What's your reasoning for not allowing it to be her decision?