[jenniepepsi]

I need support and advice on this. I hope I am doing the right thing here.

My grandmother, has had MS since she was 9 years old. Yes. 9. she is now 58 years old, she has the relapsing/remitting multiple sclerosis. And has lived this long.

She has had MS attacks on and off over the last year. However, over the last 2 months, it has been a non stop attack, draining everything out of her. And now she may have pnumonia on top of it.

She is in the hosptial, my mother and aunt took her this morning. I stayed home to be here when it was time to pick my 6 year old up from school.

Here is my problem...

I absolutely did NOT want to 'blindside' my 6 year old with a 'oh sorry your grandma is dead/gone'

My daughter has a pretty good sense of what death is. We are christians, and she has a strong sense of faith and believes that when we die, we join jesus in heaven. She understands that, and is OK with the idea.

However, when I sat down with her, and told her in a frank, but gentle way, that grandma may not be coming home, she cried... it hurt my heart so much, I tried to explain, as well as our faith could, that she would go to jesus and he would make her walk again, and take all her pain away. And she said she was glad, but she wanted grandma to stay with us forever. I understood that, and I hugged her. And we prayed together, she prayed to make grandma better so she could come home, I privately prayed, to do what was best for grandma, be it come home, or take her home with him.


She is fairly upset about this... I know its only normal to be upset... but should I have not told her? Would it have been better to 'blind side' her?

I chose this path because I was hoping that if the doctors can know ahead of time, that there is no hope for her, and she only has a certain time to live, we have already agreed that we would be going to see her in the hopstial before she is gone and taking my daughter with us to see her...

What's the right choice for something like this? Be honest with a 6 year old, and tell her the truth so that she isn't taken by surprise and shock by her death, or prepare her for it, no matter how much it hurts?


I understand, that this is a controversial issue, many parents believe in keeping children in the dark about death, while other parents believe in keeping them clued in and teaching them about it.

I'm not for or againts any of it. I just want to do what is best for her.
Thank you in advance.

[artlady]

I believe in being honest with children.Age appropriate discussions about life are the times we dread being a parent but I believe it is the best way to go.

A child fears most what they don't understand and I think preparing them as best we can is the way to eliminate some of that fear.

I lost my brother in law to MS and a good friend so I have seen the destruction this disease wreaks.

I wish you and your family the best.

[jenniepepsi]

Thank you arty. I'm sorry about your brother :( and I agree, that being honest is best. But the respond she gave... it was so sad. I had some doubts.

[Cat1864]

Jennie, I am sorry to hear about your grandmother. May she find peace.

I have always felt that being honest was the best way to be. It sounds to me that you have handled the situation as well as any parent could. Just be ready to answer her questions. I would also let her teacher know what is going on. It helps to have the teacher ready for a grieving child who may act out or start shutting down.

Is there a chance that Ayla could visit her at least one more time? I know a lot of hospitals don't allow young children and with the flu making its rounds that they may not allow her to. I am not sure if you want her last memory of her great-grandmother to be in the hospital.

You might help Ayla make a card for your grandmother telling her how much she loves her and giving her a chance to say goodbye.

[jenniepepsi]

My mom already checked on that cat. She said that not in the ER, as too much is going on, but if and when they admit her, my mom will be picking us up to go see her once she is settled into a room.

Also thank you very much for pointing out her teacher to me, I will write her a note I did not even think of that.

[Cat1864]

Both of you and your family are in my prayers.

I am glad that she will be able to visit.

You are welcome for the advice about the teacher. I wish there was more I could do for you other than offer a long distance hug.

[jenniepepsi]

*hugs* thank you cat for your prayers and advice.

[jmjoseph]

Jennie, At six years old, I think that you did the same thing that we would have done.

My own grandfather died when I was six, and I really didn't know what was going on. I think that was because that my parents kept things like death away from my brother and I.

I am sorry for your grandmother's pain, but maybe GOD will take it away.

What's better for her? Her quality of life is gone, and she is suffering. Tell your daughter that GOD will make the right decision.

May GOD bless you all.

[jenniepepsi]

Thank you joseph. I agree. And I told her that god and jesus will do what is best and she needed to trust him and have faith in his choice. She said 'i know but I want her to be with us' :( I started crying with her a little too but I sucked it back because I didn't want her to see that I was upset too, I wanted her to know I was OK. Is that right? Or should I have cried with her?

[jmjoseph]

thank you joseph. i agree. and i told her that god and jesus will do what is best and she needed to trust him and have faith in his choice. she said 'i know but i want her to be with us' :( i started crying with her a little too but i sucked it back because i didnt want her to see that i was upset too, i wanted her to know i was ok. is that right? or should i have cried with her?

By seeing you cry, gives her feelings validity. Crying is a big part of the healing process.

[MrEasy]

Jennie, in my opinion letting her see you cry lets her realize that her feelings of loss are natural. I work in the funeral business and often help family members settle final affairs of a loved one. Sometimes I meet those who have never had to deal with death and cannot cope with the grief process. Age doesn't make any difference either. It can be just as hard for a senior as a young person if they never learned how to grieve and it's OK to feel sad or mad or lonely. All these feelings are natural and normal.
You're a loving caring mother wanting to protect your precious daughter but I believe the earlier she learns this the better prepared she will be for the rest of her life. The older she is the more traumatic it could be to accept the loss of a friend or loved one. Encourage her to express her feelings and be prepared to answer any questions she may have as she processes this.

[jenniepepsi]

OK thank you both mreasy and joseph. Next time we talk about it, I will definitely make sure I don't hold it back from her.

[jenniepepsi]

UPDATE:

I wanted to let everyone know who is curious, an update on my grandma, she has pnumonia as I suspected. And one of her lungs collapsed. They admitted her. The wounds I talked to you guys about a few months back, with the.. es-scar (thats not how its supposed to be spelled but that's how it sounds) is growing back after the wound vac was removed. The wounds are deeper and getting into healthy tissue, making her bleed, and preventing her hemoglobin to go up like we have been trying to do.

That's all I know at the moment. Ill try to keep you updated in case some of you are wanting to know.

[MrEasy]

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. May God bless you with His presence and grace.

[Alty]

Hi Jennie.

Sadly I've been through this too many times. As you know, both my parents died in 2001. My son Jared was only 2 years and 4 months old when my dad died, he was not quite 3 when my mom passed away. We were all very close.

Jared was way too young to understand the concept of death, but still we sat him down and talked to him. The last time he saw my dad was on Jan 1, dad died Jan 12. It was my fathers wish that Jared no longer see him, because he wanted Jared to remember him as he was, not as he had become.

Sadly I didn't have that option with my mom. She died 3 days into our trip to Germany, her final wish. We were staying at a rental place in the town next to the one I lived in for the first few years of my life. Jared and hubby were gone to the park when my mom passed, but returned before the coroner had removed her body. Many questions from my wee one, many left unanswered. He brought me more peace during this time then I can ever express. Children are amazing.

My mother-in-law, the last of my children's grandparents died a little over 2 years ago. They both understood, they both visited their grandma while she went through cancer. It was hard on them, but it was necessary that they know what was going on, what was to come, what eventually came to be.

My grandmother died a little over a year ago. Both of my kids adored her. They saw her last 1 week before she passed.

Kids are amazing. They need to know that death is a part of life. After all, even though we are young, their parents, we never know when our time will come. It's better that they know, sheltering them doesn't shelter them at all.

Be honest with Ayla, let her know how much it hurts you, that it's okay to be sad, that death and sadness go hand in hand. It's a part of life, a part of death, a part of us all. None of us can escape the end.

Just make sure to ask her questions, how she's feeling, what she's thinking. Explain that death is forever, but by all means include your faith in all of this. It's what keeps you going, and it will help her too.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's not easy, but you can and will go on, because you have to.

God bless. :)

[Jake2008]

At age six, you can't soften life's hardships for her. As you said, she has some concept of death, and although it is sad that any child has to experience the death of a loved one, that is a part of life.

At first I thought, hmmmmmmm Maybe I would have just said that she was sick and in hospital until I knew exactly what was going on. Then I thought, even keeping that from her is not going to change the result. Doing what you did in other words, has helped prepare her, whether your grandmother comes home.

And it makes her think. If she does come home, her perspective will be a little different, knowing that Grandma has medical problems, and she won't be here forever.

All the way around Jen, you have really done a good job there. You sound like a great mom to me.

Also very sorry you are facing this too. Let's hope she pulls through.