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biatchorvictim · Nov 17, 2009, 10:48 AM

Please people help me understand! Its somewhat of a long story just hang in there!!

I've been dating my boyfriend (he's 28 and I'm 26) or x-boyfriend now I guess for about 4 years. We constantly break up all the time. He is very jealous, doesn't let me go out with my friends, calls me every 5 minutes, has no problem with putting me down, calling me names, making scenes in public. He tells his friends, coworkers, family, acquaintances EVERYTHING. We don't have a relationship, we share it will his friends, coworkers, acquaintances, family... anyway I put up with his Sh*T hoping he would change. I would break up with him and he'd come back crying, begging, and promising and I would take him back every time because I do love him. In any event, we broke up say in February, this time he didn't come crying back, instead when I called him about 1 week later and tried to make up with him he said NOPE sorry I want to be single, summer is coming soon and in fact I already started giving my number out to other women. Well let me tell you I am NOT the type to chase a man.. I was very hurt but what can I do? I started going out partying with my girlfriends, just having a good ol' time. I started meeting different people, blah blah blah... about 3 weeks into my partying guess who decides he wants me back... yep my ex-boyfriend. Well at this point I was like whatever you didn't want to be with me, you told me you wanted to date other women so now I don't want you back.. I'm having fun and I'll be single.. I don't care. He starts stalking me, calling me nonstop, showing up at my house, job, randomly driving next to me so I change my number, I threaten to put a restraining order blah blah blah. The point here is that in my mind I WAS DONE FOR GOOD (at that point). I ended up meeting a guy (2-3 months after my breakup), we starting hanging out here and there, nothing big. We were basically friends until we hooked up.. the problem here is that he KNEW my ex-boyfriend (I didn't know until after the 2nd or 3rd time we hung out) they were not friends but apparently they went to the same gym. I didn't think it was a big deal.. I still hung out with him.. so anyway come to find out this kid had a girlfriend ( I found out after we hooked up) well I didn't care because we hooked up once, I wasn't looking for a relationship so months pass and I'm still having a ball with my friends, my ex-boyfriend is still in the background chasing me so finally I give in and I start to hang out with him and we get back together. Here's the problem. I told my boyfriend about the kid I was hanging out with but lied about hooking up with him. I told him nothing happened blah blah blah because it was only a stupid kiss and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Well 4 months pass and we are together and my boyfriend gets a phone call... it's the kid's girlfriend I hooked up with and tells my boyfriend that I hooked up with her boyfriend this whole big thing... so now my boyfriend dumped me because I lied about hooking up with the kid. Okay fine so he dumped me saying he can't get over that because he KNOWs the kid.. he went to the same gym with the kid.. he would go to the gym and shake the kid's hand and tell him how upset he was over me and the kid pretended like he didn't know who I was (total )! My exboyfriend says I made him look like a jerk, I humiliated him, he is so embarrassed, his friends are laughing at him... so fine I'll accept I lied and I was wrong, I apologized but that's not enough for him.. He says he loves me so much and he really cares about me and he wants to be with me but he can't get over what I did to him.. but in the mean time he calls me alll the time, he shows up at my house.. he won't let me move on and he won't move on either.. Its been about 1 month since we broke up and he's still acting like he's my boyfriend (but without his friends knowing).. he'll be okay one minute and then the next he brings up what I did to him and he says he's never going to get over it. Then he's nice and then he wants to fight, (he says he knows I liked the kid because he thinks the kid is good looking and has a nice build body... like he's totally insecure) I try to ignore him and turn my phone off and then he'll show up at my house and say I don't love him and care about him and he can't believe how easy I can just let go of our relationship but what am I supposed to do?? He's telling me he doesn't want to be with me but he won't leave me alone... I just don't know what to do... was I wrong for hooking up while we were broken up? I know I was wrong for lying which I acknowledge but he's taking it way to far... and if he's so hurt and doesn't want to be with me then why won't he leave me alone?? Does anyone think he could get over this, move past this so we could have a strong relationship?? What does he want me to do.. beg and plead?? I just don't know. I would be with him if he forgave me but I'm not going to beg him to be with me. If he didn't call me, I don't think I'd be calling him. He is totally acting like we had this perfect relationship that I went and ruined by hooking up with somebody that he knew when in reality our relationship was very rocky. His point is that he didn't hook up with any girls because he loves me and by me hooking up in a matter of 2-3 months is total disrespect and totally shows him that I do not love him and he cares about me more than I care about him... I don't know.. what can I say or do to make him feel better about himself?? I don't see him leaving me alone anytime soon but I also don't see him forgiving and forgetting either.

2ndTime · Nov 17, 2009, 11:23 AM

It sounds like you were in a very controlling and manipulative relationship. I am happy that you want out, but it sounds like you may need a restraining order on your ex boyfriend because he is so angry that he is stalking you. I'd hate to see you in next newspaper as a victim of domestic violence. Call social service and or police and ask for their advice. Be strong, take the steps that they recommend.

biatchorvictim · Nov 17, 2009, 11:36 AM

Do you think he has a right to be angry? I'm hesitant to put a restraining order on him because it will get him fired from his job and I do love him. I'm just so confused.

2ndTime · Nov 17, 2009, 11:39 AM

Would you rather be in love and be dead?

biatchorvictim · Nov 17, 2009, 11:58 AM

Good point. Thank you.

jaime90 · Nov 17, 2009, 02:52 PM

I wouldn't go so far as to say that this guy is going to kill you. I don't see how you can recover this relationship unless you both seek help in professional counseling together and/or seperatly. (I go to pre-maritial counseling, it's very helpfull)
Here's some truth: you hooked up with a guy while you were on a break with your ex, you've broken up with your now ex multiple times, you can't seem to stop fighting, and he is very controlling. YOU DO NOT LOVE HIM. Love is commitment- it's not flirting with another guy, and lying. Think about it. The first thing you need to do, is be very firm in telling your ex what you want. Tell him that if he tries to contact you in any way, you will call the police, and won't think twice about it- and let your yes be yes and no be no- if you say this, follow through and do it. You can threaten and yell and fight all you want, but this guy needs to know that you are serious.
You also need to give yourself plenty of time to heal before beginning another relationship with anyone.

2ndTime · Nov 18, 2009, 11:59 AM

jaime90, read the excerpt. She doesn't love him and doesn't want have any more relationship with her ex boyfriend. She's asking how she can get rid of the tormenting stalker. She tried and tried to reason with him, but he is not listening. Even if she's willing to attend counseling, but if he's not willing, than counseling is out of the question.