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Silver Lining · Nov 15, 2009, 11:39 PM

Sonia,
Why does your father need looking after?

Here's some information I found on the net. This might be bad.

Essential Ceremonies
A Hindu marriage can take place according to the customary rites and ceremonies.

The ceremony of saptapadi and kanyadana are important ceremonies prevalent among vast majority of Hindus and the ceremony of saptapadi before the sacred fire has been held essential for a valid Hindu Marriage.

Registration
The marriages solemnized, may be registered under the Special Marriage Act with office of the registrar, in the Hindu Marriage Register.
Registration is not compulsory and in no way effects the validity of the marriage. It is entirely up to the parties to have the marriage registered.

No marriage can be registered unless the following conditions are fulfilled :

* A ceremony of marriage has been performed between the parties and they have been living together as husband and wife.
* Neither party has at the time of registration more than one spouse living.
* Neither party is an idiot or lunatic at the time of registration.
* The parties have completed the age of twenty one years at the time of registration
* The parties are not within the degrees of prohibited relationship
* The parties have been residing within the district of the Marriage Officer for a period of not less than thirty days immediately preceding the date on which the application is made to him for registration.
* On receiving the application signed by both the parties the Marriage Officer shall give public notice and after allowing 30 days for objections and on being satisfied that all the conditions are fulfilled he shall enter a certificate in the marriage certificate book, which shall be signed by the parties and three witnesses.

I hope your mom has not objected then.

Check this out,
Indian Marriage Acts, Marriage Laws In India, Marriage Acts In India,,
The Special Marriage Act-1954

Recently I read an article in TOI about couples eloping to get married. There has been some change in the law that there cannot be a case on couples who elope, given they are 18 for girls and 21 for boys. Give it a check. Also, why don't you post the issue under Law in AMHD.. might get some more information.

roopali143 · Nov 16, 2009, 12:40 AM

Its very bas to say that my father as not done any bank balance for us to get married.

We have to earn and get settled in our life. No one is bothere about our life.

I only need solution that can I go and stay away get mariied with my boyfriend and live with him. Kindly suggest

Silver Lining · Nov 16, 2009, 01:22 AM

Sonia, Didn't you read my post? You want to know whether you can go and live with your husband. First, know if your marriage is valid or void, whether your mother can create problems, if it is void.

Essential Ceremonies
A Hindu marriage can take place according to the customary rites and ceremonies.

The ceremony of saptapadi and kanyadana are important ceremonies prevalent among vast majority of Hindus and the ceremony of saptapadi before the sacred fire has been held essential for a valid Hindu Marriage.

Registration
The marriages solemnized, may be registered under the Special Marriage Act with office of the registrar, in the Hindu Marriage Register.
Registration is not compulsory and in no way effects the validity of the marriage. It is entirely up to the parties to have the marriage registered.

No marriage can be registered unless the following conditions are fulfilled :

* A ceremony of marriage has been performed between the parties and they have been living together as husband and wife.
* The parties have completed the age of twenty one years at the time of registration
* The parties have been residing within the district of the Marriage Officer for a period of not less than thirty days immediately preceding the date on which the application is made to him for registration.
* On receiving the application signed by both the parties the Marriage Officer shall give public notice and after allowing 30 days for objections and on being satisfied that all the conditions are fulfilled he shall enter a certificate in the marriage certificate book, which shall be signed by the parties and three witnesses.

I hope your mom has not objected then.

Check this out,
Indian Marriage Acts, Marriage Laws In India, Marriage Acts In India,,
The Special Marriage Act-1954

Recently I read an article in TOI about couples eloping to get married. There has been some change in the law that there cannot be a case on couples who elope, given they are 18 for girls and 21 for boys. Give it a check. Also, why don't you post the issue under Law in AMHD.. might get some more information

You have your husband's family support, your sibling's and father's support. Not financially but emotionally. If your marriage is valid, don't wait for your mother's consent. Go ahead. Live your life. You have every right to live as you like.

As for your mother asking what customs and traditions your child will adopt, why not both? Inter-caste marriages are getting very common now. In fact, inter-religion marriages are common too.

why is your mother so against inter-caste marriage? if she is so into religion and caste, I hope she knows that 90% of everything that people follow as religion and caste has changed now. What she thinks is right might be something just created for their own convenience. Let me give you an example.
In many parts of India, girls who have got their menses are not allowed to touch anything or anyone. They are made to live those 3-5 days away from everyone. They are considered to be untouchables until they take the head bath. You know the reason behind it? Women, many years or maybe centuries ago, did more of physical work unlike now. Their body could not take all that exercise during menses and hence rested those 5 days. As precautionary measures, they were not allowed to do any work. They slept separately since they were bleeding a lot and there were no sanitary pads then. Hence, no bed while they slept. The fact is that people followed it for years and it became a tradition. Many such traditions were made by us for our convenience and people blindly follow it.

Initially your mom might not support you, but later on she will come to her senses. Unfortunately if she doesn't, don't let go. Keep in constant touch with her. Don't let go of your siblings and father just because your mother is against you.

roopali143 · Nov 16, 2009, 10:05 PM

Hi thanks for all you of for giving me suugestions and solutions.

I have finally decided to get married on Friday and live my home, I just need to ask you that whether I am doing the right thing, without informning my parents at all what I am doing, my dad and mother are totally opposed to my marriage and my brother and younger sister is supporting me. I am only tensed that my father is at home alone and he might get tensed hearing my marriage without knowing to him. But I have no options left.

Only for the last time I need some suggestion from you, kindly advise me, as I am very tensed to go ahead without knowledge to my parents.

Please suggest.:confused:

Catsmine · Nov 17, 2009, 03:14 AM

Leave him a note so he will know that you're okay. Something along the lines of "Don't worry, I'll be fine, I didn't want to fight and anger you more." will express your love and determination at the same time.

roopali143 · Nov 17, 2009, 03:31 AM

Thanks for all your suggestions and advises,

My father doesn't notice anything, he gets angry very soon and he has no patiences to think at all. He directly shouts out, I only want him to be good at health and nothing else I need, my mother will be fine because my sister is there to look after her and she will not come so early at home.

I am only feeling guilty that what I am going to do is right or wrong.

I am leaving my house without parents permission. I am not going out from the house with the intention to loose my family forever, I want to come back and ask to forgive them and be toggther once again, will it be possible to get back to my mother after me leaving the house, I am worried about that. I only want my mother to understand me and get back to me.

I will be able to get my mother love and her understand back, I want an solution for this, please

Cat1864 · Nov 17, 2009, 06:41 AM

It will take some time. However, if she loves you as much as I think she does, when she understands that you are happy in your marriage, I think she will calm down and accept it. Especially after the first child is born (don't let that thought rush you into having children).

Please don't allow the way you are leaving home to affect your marriage. It isn't easy being newly married when both families get along. There will be disagreements-it is normal. Just try to stay calm and work through your problems as a couple. Be prepared for feeling down and upset after leaving home and give yourself ways to take your mind off the hurt caused by your parents not understanding.

It sounds like your husband's family is welcoming you as one of their own. Allow yourself to learn their family traditions and become a part of their family (as it would be even if your mother did approve).

I wish you many happy years with your husband and the family that you will be creating together.

2ndTime · Nov 17, 2009, 09:53 AM

I was never suggesting you abandon your family completely. If you know they'll be pretty upset if they found out that you got married even after their objection, then you need to give your parents some time to calm down. Later, when you think they are not angry at you go talk to them and tell them that it was never in your intention to hurt them, but you had to follow your heart.

SVImager · Nov 17, 2009, 03:24 PM

Do you know anyone whom your parents will respect and also supports your relationship? i.e.. Grandparents, Priest, Your Uncle & Aunt. Have the Respected One talk to your parents.

roopali143 · Nov 17, 2009, 09:59 PM

Hi,

My mother is coming back today, I am very tensed and afriad that what will be my mother reaction. I am taking my final decision of getting married on Friday without my mothers kwoledge. I had told my sister and some of the my friends that I will get married on Friday, they might have told my mother.

I only want to ask that what should I speak when mother tells me anything, should I react or keep quite. Suggest please

SVImager · Nov 17, 2009, 10:08 PM

Originally Posted by roopali143

Hi,

My mother is coming back today, i am very tensed and afriad that what will be my mother reaction. I am taking my final decision of getting married on friday without my mothers kwoledge. I had told my sister and some of the my friends that i will get married on friday, they might have told my mother.

I only want to ask that what should i speak when mother tells me anything, should i react or keep quite. suggest please

Go ask your Uncle, Aunt, and Grandparents.

Silver Lining · Nov 17, 2009, 11:33 PM

Since you have decided to go ahead with the marriage, Don't react to whatever your mother says. Don't answer back to her. It will lead to a wider gap. It doesn't mean you keep quite. Speak but only if necessary. Its OK to tell your mom that you love him and you are getting married, talk about it but don't blame your mother for anything.

roopali143 · Nov 17, 2009, 11:57 PM

If my mother says me to out out from the house immediate shall I live my home and go. My boyfriend even suggested me that if they say you anything you just come away from your home.

If they don't agree at all even if I try to convince them for the last time, shall I live my home and go. I am very much tensed and can't find any solution. Please help me out.

Silver Lining · Nov 18, 2009, 12:58 AM

Sweety, when u have decided to get married to him, no matter what, then what's the use asking whether you have to leave hime if your mom asks you to? If you have to marry him against your parents, you HAVE to leave home. You have no other option.

Also, I am confused. You mentioned that you and your guy got registered 6 months back. If so, why do you call him your boyfriend?

roopali143 · Nov 18, 2009, 03:02 AM

Ok
Thanks for the suggestions, but still I am afriad and tensed for the dicision I have taken, I am thinking that if my mother agrees with heavy heart and tells me to wait till next month, shall I wait.

My Husband is not ready to wait he is telling to say mom that I can't wait anymore. What shall I do.

Shall I do whatever decision I have taken please suggest.

Silver Lining · Nov 18, 2009, 04:31 AM

You are 18+ right? You have all the right to make your own decisions. Your parents do not have any right on you. It is just that being an Indian, it comes in our blood to respect our family and our elders and hence we think sooooooooooooooo many times before taking any action. I can understand how you are feeling. It is very hard to go against your parents as of now. But do you have any other option? What's the use waiting another month? Will that change anything?Now, or a month from Now, you are married already and you can't change it. Your parents have to accept it.

roopali143 · Dec 4, 2009, 03:16 AM

[QUOTE=Silver Lining;2090519]you are 18+ right? You have all the right to make your own decisions. Your parents do not have any right on you. It is just that being an Indian, it comes in our blood to respect our family and our elders and hence we think sooooooooooooooo many times before taking any action. I can understand how you are feeling. It is very hard to go against your parents as of now. But do you have any other option? What's the use waiting another month? Will that change anything?Now, or a month from Now, you are married already and you can't change it. Your parents have to accept it.[QUOTE]

I got married last 15 days back and know they have put me condition that I have to forget my parents and my relatives anf break all relation with my parents and if I go and meet my parents they will put me out from my house even my husband told me this. My family members are trying to take me out from that by giving me divorce from him.

My family members say that without our permission you got married and now you did not bring the dowry and they are not allowing me to be in contact with family members and not to go anywhere out. You are working and whole life they will make you to work, this all my family members are saying and telling my mom and dad to bring from my husband family as soon as possible. Because further anything wrong should not happened.

My husband is saying me that either I should forget my family or I should forget him.

With 8 days of my maariage I am not happy in my husbands house. What decision my family members have took shall I go with that. Please advise

SVImager · Dec 4, 2009, 10:46 AM

None of us can help you.

You are going to do want you want to do anyway.
You just need to think things out carefully.

Silver Lining · Dec 4, 2009, 10:54 AM

1st tell me whom are you referring when you say family members? The way you have written is totally confusing. Refer to your mom and dad as parents and your husband's family as in-laws and then re-write. Kindly use comma (,) and full stop (.)...

Far as I understand, you are married, your husband has asked you to leave your parents and not have any contact with them.

Now, is it your parents who are asking you to get a divorce? If so, they cannot force you into a divorce. They have no right.

what do you mean by... My family members say that without our permission you got married and now you did not bring the dowry and they are not allowing me to be in contact with family members and not to go anywhere out...

I am guessing your in-laws are not treating you properly since you didn't get any dowry. They are threatening to make you work at home and not let you go out and contact your parents. That is the reason your parents are trying to get you a divorce. Am I Right?

Isn't yours a love marriage? Didn't you know how your husband and his family were before you married him?

Do you think you can be happy with your husband?

If my guess is right and your in-laws are treating you badly for not getting dowry, DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY. People who take dowry are never satisfied, no matter how much you give. They always want more. Marriage is not a business. If they insist on dowry, they will treat you bad your whole life. Haven't they started already? Saying you will work your whole life and that you have to leave your parents or your husband.

roopali143 · Dec 4, 2009, 08:58 PM

Originally Posted by Silver Lining

1st tell me whom are u referring when u say family members? the way you have written is totally confusing. refer to your mom and dad as parents and your husband's family as in-laws and then re-write. kindly use comma (,) and full stop (.)...

far as i understand, you are married, your husband has asked you to leave ur parents and not have any contact with them.

now, is it your parents who are asking you to get a divorce? if so, they cannot force you into a divorce. they have no right.

what do you mean by ..... My family members say that without our permission you got married and now you did not bring the dowry and they are not allowing me to be in contact with family members and not to go anywhere out...

I am guessing your in-laws are not treating you properly since you didnt get any dowry. they are threatening to make you work at home and not let you go out and contact your parents. that is the reason your parents are trying to get you a divorce. Am I Right?

isn't yours a love marriage? didn't you know how your husband and his family were before you married him?

do you think you can be happy with your husband?

If my guess is right and your in-laws are treating you badly for not getting dowry, DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY. People who take dowry are never satisfied, no matter how much you give. they always want more. marriage is not a business. if they insist on dowry, they will treat you bad your whole life. havent they started already? saying you will work your whole life and that you have to leave your parents or your husband.

My in laws where very good before and even my husband, but I made a mistake and did not understand them. My in laws are still not asking me anything about dowry but my parents are saying that they will ask you in future and that when you have a child all the responsibility of looking after it will come on me because I am working. My husband even said me not to work but my in laws will not allow me to do that.

I am trapped in a very bad manner. My only worry is that shall I take my decision so soon of divorce from my husband wihtin 15 days of marriage or shall I test him.
My mom says no need to test him again. Please suggest