[rockerchick26]

Ok I'm going to try to keep this short and sweet. I got married this past summer, and I think my husband and I have a good relationship. The only problem is that no matter how intimate I am with him, he still watches porn almost daily. Yesterday for instance, a few hours after we fooled around, he waited until I went to bed and went straight to the computer for porn.

I have tried to talk to him about it. I have tried to convey how it makes me uncomfortable that I don't seem to be enough for him. His response was basically "too bad this is the way it is" and that the reason for it is that he doesn't want to bother me when I'm sleeping or every time he gets the urge.

I'm a really sensitive person. I know that I should probably just let it be, and that bringing it up over and over will just push him away, but it's really starting to upset me. I'm a little worried that it will only get worse, since it's already happening so often after 4 months of being married.

Any comments or suggestions are welcomed.

[Cat1864]

I am going to suggest that you sit down with him and have a non-confrontational discussion about your concerns. No blame, accusations, anger, etc. Just a calm mature discussion. You might want to think about having a mediator to keep the discussion from turning into an argument.

Try to work together as a couple to set boundaries that you both can live with. If he is unwilling to compromise, especially if you don't try to take away his porn/masturbation, then he may have a larger problem.

The porn isn't as much a concern as his dismissal of your feelings. I don't know how you broached the subject, but could his response have been a defense mechanism?

[Gemini54]

Porn in a relationship can be a really vexed issue. Generally, most men will look at something that is visually stimulating reasonably frequently. What’s that old saying, that men think about sex every 7 seconds?

Actually I think ‘research’ has shown that over half of the male population thinks about sex several times a day, if not more. So you can see that if he’s young and virile, why he’d want to stimulate himself reasonably frequently.

I agree that it’s a good idea to talk to him and perhaps ask him to think about your feelings in this matter. Perhaps he is ‘addicted’ and he just doesn’t know how to stop.
Perhaps it’s also just a craze, something that he’s into at the moment and it will pass.

The thing is, not to take it personally. Just because he’s looking at porn regularly doesn’t mean that it is rejection of you and what you have to offer. Many people masturbate in relationships, it’s just something that they do for themselves that gives them a buzz when they’re alone.

Remember, porn is a fantasy but you’re the one that’s real. He’s married to you not to the pumped up starlet giving the BJ.

I would suggest talking to him and letting him know how you feel. Let him know that you feel sensitive but you understand that he watches porn. Let him know that you feel a bit left out and demeaned and that you want to work on feeling less sensitive.

Loving each other means you make some compromises – perhaps he can stop watching it straight after you’ve had sex, and perhaps you can work on increasing your own sexual confidence. If you’re both having a great sexual relationship, then the porn won’t worry you as much.

[Jake2008]

I find it interesting that you were not aware of his preference for porn, before you married him. Any ideas on that?

This is something he does frequently to satisfy sexual needs. That is what porn is intended to do. That is why people buy it, watch it, get off on it. The women are props to that end, and it is a scripted, choreographed, predictable, and is designed to stimulate the person watching it. There is a lot of money to be made in the porn industry off millions of people who purchase it for the purpose it was made in the first place.

If there is a 'need' for it to such an extent that it is causing difficulty in your marriage, or it is causing him to expect you to be 'like them', or if he sees you as merely an end to the bulge in his pajamas after he has been turned on by watching porn, then it is a problem. That he says 'this is the way it is' is not a reason for his indulgence to such a degree, at your expense.

Where do you fit in with his pre-occupation with porn. Is it in addition to, because of, or instead of sex with you. What kind of porn is he into- S&M, snuff, young women/girls, girls on girls, men on men, etc. Does he also extend his interest to chats, phone lines, and interractive sex sites?

I think that if you were not aware of his interest when you married him, he is hiding it for more than what you may think.

If it were me, I'd do some checking, ask questions, and figure out just what you are dealing with here.

In my opinion, you have every right to be concerned.

[rockerchick26]

Jake,

Usually it is in addition to sex. To my knowledge it hasn't extended beyond just looking at pictures and videos.

It's nothing exotic. He likes "real" people and usually looks for amateur stuff. Maybe that's what bothers me about it. That it's women he could be looking at everyday and not some fantasy woman.

I've been mulling this over and I think I may be making more out of it then it is. I masterbate (although I usually wait until he isn't in the house). I don't watch porn to do it because I don't need a visual. I don't think it would be right of me to expect him to never masterbate.

[Gemini54]

Jake,

Usually it is in addition to sex. To my knowledge it hasn't extended beyond just looking at pictures and videos.

It's nothing exotic. He likes "real" people and usually looks for amateur stuff. Maybe that's what bothers me about it. That it's women he could be looking at everyday and not some fantasy woman.

I've been mulling this over and I think I may be making more out of it then it is. I masterbate (although I usually wait until he isn't in the house). I don't watch porn to do it because I dont need a visual. I don't think it would be right of me to expect him to never masterbate.

Perhaps you can include porn sometimes when you have sex? You do need to realize that he probably fantasizes about sex with everyday women - most men do. As I said you're the woman that he actually having real sex with - make the most of it!

[Cat1864]

My one concern is that he 'dismissed' your feelings and concerns on the subject.

As long as you both can be open about your concerns and the other person takes them seriously, I see no problems with watching porn. However, if he shuts you down and won't even discuss your concerns to work on them as a couple, then there is something that needs work before he shuts down on other subjects.

[Tatanka]

One thing I learned while attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, in writing our feelings to each other, then exchanging notebooks and reading them, then the discussion - - was to tell the person how what they say or do effects or hurts you. You may write down your feelings, taking time to examine just how his watching porn makes you feel. Read it to him or tell him.

This would naturally lead up to the crucial point of does he care about how it makes you feel or not. If not, then I'd suggest counselling for you both NOW. Not caring sure enters the area of not loving; not true love anyway.

[smoothy]

Porn is just porn. Would you be happy if he tried to tell you what TV shows you can watch or what you are allowed to read? I'll be you would noty be happy about it.

Fist off, he has the right to dismiss unreasonible demands... he is an adult... and not subservient to her. They are supposed to be partners.

Also he's an adult, he's a guy, guys like to see naked flesh. It has NOTHING to do with you. We are wired that way.

NOW if you insist on making an issue of it... then expect him to take offense, and pull away from you. Because no adult likes being told what they can and can not do in their off time. Looking at some porn is not equal to him banging the woman next door. Banging the woman next door, or down the street or the next town would be wrong. And THAT would be something you would be right in taking issue with.

[Jake2008]

It is a matter of opinion as to what type, how often, and for what purpose, your man likes porn.

If it makes you uncomfortable, speak up and tell him. If it is as meaningless as men would have us believe, then he won't mind giving it up right?

[smoothy]

It is a matter of opinion as to what type, how often, and for what purpose, your man likes porn.

If it makes you uncomfortable, speak up and tell him. If it is as meaningless as men would have us believe, then he won't mind giving it up right?

I will have to disagree with this... Demanding a partner give something up over your insecurities... whatever that may be... football, friends, hobbies... is a controlliong behaviour. And wrong. Doesn't matter if it's the guy doing it to the woman, or the woman doing it to the man.

As adults your rights end where the rights of another person begins.

[Jake2008]

I'm only stating my opinion Smoothy, you can disagree all you like, but why single out my opinion.

I normally don't ever question another members opinion on anything, unless it is factually wrong.

I was always under the impression that the more opinions the better. Opinions, unlike facts, are what they are, take it or leave it.

I'm not sure why you did this, but if you want to 'out' my opinion in this manner, why not P.M. me instead. I'm a very friendly person. :)

p.s. I did not suggest she 'demand' anything to her mate. Only suggested she talk to him about his porn fun bothers her.

[Synnen]

What it comes down to is this:

EACH COUPLE has to define what is and is not within acceptable boundaries for the RELATIONSHIP.

If neither partner can compromise on their position, THEN there is a problem.

Porn in and of itself isn't good or bad. However--Smoothy, even you have to admit that when one partner's activities have a negative impact on the other partner, then there's a problem. For instance, if he were choosing porn instead of having sex with his wife, that would be a problem. If he were choosing porn over going to dinner for her birthday--that would be a problem.

But in general terms--it's like cheating. EACH COUPLE defines where the line is for cheating. Some say it's not until something physical happens, others don't let their partner hang out with members of the opposite sex ever. BUT--that's defined within the relationship.

If the OP can't live with the porn, she needs to initiate a non-confrontational conversation about it and her feelings. If he completely and totally dismisses her feelings--that's a problem. Her feelings are still hers, and they're still valid--just as him watching porn is valid. What the issue is here is that NOTHING has been defined TOGETHER as to what the limits and uses of porn should be.

And--I'd say the same thing about football, shopping, video games, and eating.

[88sunflower]

Well I am at a different level here.

I have mentioned on here before that my husband had a porn addiction. I sympathize with her.

We had an amazing marriage, amazing sex life, we had toys and watched porn together several times. We did role playing. I am very open minded and was willing to try anything.

The problem started when the internet came in to the marriage and he started surfing porn and lying about it. If I am open to it, as I always was, then why lie about it. Seven long years.

This caused myself esteem to hit rock bottom. The only way it effected our sex life was when I didn't want sex any more because I was just hearing the lies in my head and the echos of his stories. If I was willing then why lie?

My point being if he is dismissing your feelings like my husband did then there is a problem. Period. If something truly upsets your partner and your not willing to make changes and compromise then where does the relationship stand a chance?

You can try talking to him from your heart and hopefully he will see it hurts you. Or maybe you can come to a compromise and do it together. But I have been there and it can truly be an addiction. I don't think he is at the addiction point. Be up front why it bothers you and tell him where your willing to make changes on the topic if he is willing also.

[kp2171]

Fyi... I know already that I am so going to ramble on and on in this post...

I know generalizations are not good to make... but whatever... I'm not trying to cover all the bases just to make all happy.

My ex... the woman closest to my "soul mate" (and I don't use that lightly... she just rocked me to the core) hated anything visual concerning male stimulation. I'm not a big "porn guy"... personally, while it interests me, I think its too much of a "crutch" for me... would distract me too much...

But the point was that while she HATED the prospect of my looking at anyone else and being stimulated mentally she would read erotica without a second thought... no concern... and she had three vibrators, one big enough to knock out an intruder with one swing...

Her stimulation was largely mental and physical, and not visual... when push came to shove, a few double A's didn't hurt. And honestly, I find a woman self stimulating to be sexy as sin. She had more than a few videos of light sexual erotica. Nothing explicit, but enough tension to get her over the top.

But she hated the thought of me looking at another woman.

k... I think I'm willing to find some middle ground.

But my drive was always stronger than hers. And the problem was compounded by the fact that I was a "night guy" and she was a "morning girl"... which meant, in the end, that I had to adjust to be a morning guy or get nothing...

Now...

My point is NOT that you need to concede.

It isn't that you are wrong and need to bend to his needs.

What I would like you to do is just step back for a minute and think about you and think about him...

When do you find yourself most in the mood? How often? Do you find yourself driven hard or are there obstacles in your way concerning sex? What are those barriers? What needs need to be met? Which ones are not met?

What about your mate? When does he seem most interested? Is this in conflict with you? Is he an attentive lover when you find time? Does he seem satiated when you find time?

Honestly... I could be a completely satiated lover and still be driven to look at another woman... not because I intend to cheat or want "more" than what I have... I just love the female form and as dumb as that sounds its just the truth. Doesn't mean I can be a callous arse and ignorant of my lovers needs... but just as my previous lover could wrap her desires around good erotica, I can channel my desires around visual stim without straying.

I have never once cheated on a lover... while three Big Loves have strayed from me...

So...

I don't know my point... other than I want to help and I don't know if I can.

Most men I've known can separate the visual from the emotional concerning sexual stim... when a previous lover found a pic of "soft porn" and asked me "is that what you want"... my answer was mixed...

Honestly, I wanted her first. After that... I wanted to not want... and sometimes that meant self stim.

This doesn't mean you are wrong for wanting what you want.

I guess id just say, from personal experience, that I never, ever looked at a picture of an attractive woman and thought "i wish my lover looked like her"...

There is a primal drive inside me that makes me seek out the opposite sex. I can control this. Deny it. Feed it. Whatever. But it is there. It is what made him seek you out, after all.

My desire for my lover is not completely exempt from my desire for my previous lover... and my desire for my lover is not all inclusive... not the end to all ends. Which means he can love you fully and be physically driven to other ends, in my opinion. It means you can completely satisfy his needs concerning the relationship and its possible that he has needs that need to be fulfilled elsewhere...

Doesn't mean you are wrong to feel the way you feel. Doesn't mean he shouldn't consider your needs and wants. It might mean you aren't a good match or it might mean you need to come to some middle ground.

If you find him to be a kind, attentive, giving lover... all the other noise... might just be nothing than that... just noise.

Again... I've never, ever once been with one lover and wished I was with a different love... if I've been distracted by a woman bra strap or the outline of her panties it was never because my lover was not "good enough"... it was just a primal drive that is real and honest...

I like girls. Just the truth. And it didn't change because one girl decided I might be worth keeping. He also needs to not have his head too far up his arse. Its dark up there. I know.

Ok I'm going to try to keep this short and sweet. I got married this past summer, and I think my husband and I have a good relationship. The only problem is that no matter how intimate I am with him, he still watches porn almost daily. Yesterday for instance, a few hours after we fooled around, he waited until I went to bed and went straight to the computer for porn.

I have tried to talk to him about it. I have tried to convey how it makes me uncomfortable that I don't seem to be enough for him. His response was basically "too bad this is the way it is" and that the reason for it is that he doesn't want to bother me when I'm sleeping or every time he gets the urge.

I'm a really sensitive person. I know that I should probably just let it be, and that bringing it up over and over will just push him away, but it's really starting to upset me. I'm a little worried that it will only get worse, since it's already happening so often after 4 months of being married.

Any comments or suggestions are welcomed.

[smoothy]

I'm only stating my opinion Smoothy, you can disagree all you like, but why single out my opinion.

I normally don't ever question another members opinion on anything, unless it is factually wrong.

I was always under the impression that the more opinions the better. Opinions, unlike facts, are what they are, take it or leave it.

I'm not sure why you did this, but if you want to 'out' my opinion in this manner, why not P.M. me instead. I'm a very friendly person. :)

p.s. I did not suggest she 'demand' anything to her mate. Only suggested she talk to him about his porn fun bothers her.

Just tossing out my opinion... No I didn't single you out, so no reason to take exception to it. Many of us do it frequently. Nothing untoward was meant by it. We frequently may not be in agreement with each others opinions here. But I am a very firm believer in that people should deal with resolving their own insecurities, whatever they may be, rather than demanding everyone else around them change their lives and avoid dealing with the real issue.

Sort of like a person (just one hypothetical example) with a phobia to water and soap demanding everyone else stop being offended by offensive body odors rather than deal with their own personal hygine issues.

[88sunflower]

Just tossing out my opinion....No I didn't single you out, so no reason to take exception to it. Many of us do it frequently. Nothing untoward was meant by it. We frequently may not be in agreement with each others opinions here. But I am a very firm believer in that people should deal with resolving their own insecurities, whatever they may be, rather than demanding everyone else around them change their lives and avoid dealing with the real issue.

Sort of like a person (just one hypothetical example) with a phobia to water and soap demanding everyone else stop being offended by offensive body odors rather than deal with their own personal hygine issues.

Hey Smoothy and Jake not to keep this going because I agree with you both. BUT... how can she deal with her insecurities with this when he isn't listening.

How can she work on this alone and sit back and watch him continue to bring down her self esteem. Isn't a relationship 50/50. Isn't that what's always preached in these threads?

Why should she struggle through this alone while he just keeps feeding his desires and has no understanding of her feelings?

A fear of water or spiders is one thing to over come. That's an easy insecurity. When your loved one pushes you more in to that insecurity I think its time it becomes a problem for both, not just her.

[Cat1864]

As I have said, I don't think (in this case, at least) that porn is the problem. Frankly, I think it gets treated as the rug that other problems are swept under. Communication problems seem to be making the largest lump under that rug.

We can debate the whether it is insecurities or concerns, however, it comes back to he doesn't want to discuss any of it with her. Not knowing how she brought up the subject in the past, if it was with some frustration and confrontation making him feel defensive, then it might be understandable that he would shut her down. However, if it was non-confrontational and an attempt at a calm discussion, then this shows a problem with the way he is handling issues that he finds personal.

She should be able to talk with him about her concerns and he should be able to talk with her about his feelings. If he can't be open about this subject, then what other subjects will he shut down on or dismiss her concerns and feelings about? Money? Bills? Children?

[88sunflower]

Another big fat greenie your way Cat.

[Jake2008]

Just my opinion here, but to Sunflower, I do think that porn can be the death of a good relationship.

There is an intimacy, with another source, for sexual gratification, and there is something wrong (dare I say it) with a man who needs porn before, or after he has sex with his wife. There is something wrong when a man has to regularly and systematically incorporate porn, into his relationship, to either a) satisfy what he isn't getting with his wife, or b) to get sexually stimulated enough to be with his wife.

Either way, there is very deep hurt, confusion and mixed messages getting through to the party who cries herself to sleep after sex with her husband, who has returned to the keyboard for more sex. That is a problem.

That the need for porn has affected the OP in such a way that she feels insecure, unloved, and confused, is justified. She is very affected by his actions.

If, and that's a big 'if', he can tune in more to her needs, and less of his own, it wouldn't be a problem. 'If', he can realize that his 'harmless' activity is driving a wedge into his marriage and either curtail, or stop his 'meaningless' fun, he would be putting her needs ahead of his own, and it seems to me that he isn't doing that.

When it comes to feeling very hurt about the use of porn in a relationship, it creates a distance, intimately in my opinion. We can argue until the cows come home that she shouldn't feel that way, or she is the one over reacting, or she doesn't understand that it doesn't mean anything, but HER needs are not being met, while he continues to have his met with porn. If there wasn't a need for it, he wouldn't be doing it.

I have been married over 33 years, and consider myself somewhat of a success story as to what it takes to keep a marriage successful. Porn isn't in the picture, never has been, never will be. Maybe if the OP's husband just replaces his porn 'habits' and concentrates on getting what he needs from his wife, that would solve the problem right there.

I would think that it is he that has the problem, needing a sexual crutch, and being insecure about an open and honest sexual relationship with only his wife.

I don't think it is her that is inscure at all. I think it is him.

Just my opinion, for what it's worth.