[Gemini54]

You poor thing! I really feel for you. But remember this IS your FIRST relationship and one failed relationship does not make for a disastrous life!

You wouldn’t berate yourself if you fell off a surf board or a bike as you were learning to ride them, so don’t beat yourself up because this isn’t working and you can’t communicate with him. (oops, slightly suggestive analogy)

Anyway, it’s ALL about learning and LIFE is about learning – you just never stop learning how to deal with people.

If you want to talk to him about this stuff the first place to start is to put aside blame – it’s no-one’s fault. It’s simply the dynamic between you. The second thing to do is to stop with the ‘you’ statements and start with the ‘I’ statements. E.g. “I feel undervalued and uncomfortable when you watch porn on the lap top in bed with me when I’m asleep”.

Thirdly, try and really LISTEN to what he’s saying to you when you talk. Don’t be waiting to chip in or defend yourself, or waiting to tell him what you think about what he says. Guys like to be listened to and he’s probably already defensive because you’re putting a lot of the responsibility back on to him.

I don’t know if the relationship is salvageable, but I do know that you’re on a steep learning curve. It’s painful and confusing, but it’s good. You’re on the right track and you’re asking the right questions of yourself.

It may well be time to move on from this relationship – only you both can decide this – but I urge you to do it with compassion and gentleness; this is the first rule of communication - to be kind, honest and respectful with each other.