[caramani]

I have a daughter who lives with me and she is 23 years old. She had a 1.5 pound baby two years ago. I was there for my daughter through everything. I also stayed at the hopital for 3 months during my granddaugher recovery. Background about my daughter: She has not had a job in 3 years and has not looked for one, she was on drugs before, she lies all the time, she wished her brother dead when I was pregnant, is very disrespectful to her father and I, keeps opening credit cards (11) and not paying them, has $40,000 in student loans (failed college) and I'm co-signer on the loans, has been in trouble several times with the law, hung with many drug dealers. She receives SS benefits for my granddaugher too and spends the money on her boyfriend, concert tickets, bars, etc. My mother and sister feel sorry for her and has been sending her gifts and money through the mail and think my husband and I are strict because all we ask is for her to keep her room clean and take care of her granddaugher. She has neglected our granddaugher too many times and when she does, I tell her. My mother and sister buy my daughter everything (clothes, money towards car, gas money, take her out to eat, etc). Recently my daughter left and I have not heard from her until she needed my granddaughters check. When she left she told me that my granddaugher will never see me again (take note I'm more of a mother to her than my daughter). She texted me to tell me to leave my granddaughters check in the mail. She currently is living with her boyfriend and her boyfriends parents. I also have not heard from my mother or sister because they are taking her side over their own daughter and sister. My daughter left because she would take my granddaugher and run with her from 11:00 a.m. to 11:00 pm and then sleep until 10:00 and get up and do it all over the next day. I usually take my granddaughter in the morining and feed her and change her because her mother rather sleep. I wish my mother and sister would stay out of this; because they don't realize they are hurting her instead of helping her. I miss my granddaugher so much and hope she is doing well. Also take note; my daughter came to the house when I was at work and took most of her things - of course my sister called to make sure I was not home so my daughter could come and get her things. My daughter won't answer any of my calls or e-mails. My sister and mother also talk mean about my husband and I (read some of my daughters e-mail). I feel that if my sister and mother was not in the middle of this; my daughter would be a little better. Need advise because I miss my granddaughter a lot. Note: my granddaughter has lung disease and needs a stable environment.

[Gemini54]

The aunt and the grandmother will find out what she's like soon enough. Your daughter has convinced them that you're the bad guy, and there is nothing you can do about that.

I would suggest that you stop trying to be responsible for something that you can have no control over. I''m sure you love your granddaughter, but don't let her be the pawn that your daughter uses against you.

If your mother and your sister care about your daughter as much as they say, then they will look after them both. Let them deal with her and be thankful that your difficult daughter is in the hands of someone else.

You can't control their behavior or their reactions, you can only control your own reactions to them. I'd leave them to their own devices for awhile.

I suspect your daughter will be back. You may want to think carefully about whether you want her back.

[EliseLynn]

If everything is as extreme as you say you do have grounds to begin a legal battle. At least file claims to get it going.

But your daughter is her own person now. Right or wrong. And do not judge her so harshly for your sake. You will only treat her negatively and push her farther. Remember yourself at that age. Perhaps not on drugs and partying, but the emotional state is still similar. Did you have your own home? With child or not, it is still hard to get established. Especially with no concept of money.

Growing up my grandparents tried to "rescue" me. They went through periods of estrangement and periods where they gave my mom money to keep me in their lives. Over the years they found that legally, though their home is everything a child could flourish in, that her home was not "bad enough" to remove me. And I too young to testify to neglect.

Just as your daughter grew, so will your granddaughter. Just as she made decisions, despite your best at teaching, so will your granddaughter. You've got 18 years of an on and off again, strained relationship ahead. Your granddaughter will not be dumb though. She will be able to identify who has the higher ground, and who is better to her. What lifestyle provides more progress. You may never have custody. But as a grandma you will always have her heart.

I clung to my grandmother and grandfathers words like bits of gold in the middle of a dead mine. When I was 9 they taught me proper table etiquette, and at 13 to respect myself and not have sex. My grandma was the difference between repeating mistakes and starting a new. Do what you have to to stay close. If that means swallowing your pride now and again. (lol not giving money!! )

[caramani]

Thank you both for taking the time to read and answer my question. I hope one day I will see my granddaughter and hope she does not forget her Mi-Mi.

[Jake2008]

Carmani, you are in a really tough spot, and there are no easy answers. I don't know if where you live grandparents can petition the court for visitation; you may want to check that out.

As to the position you are in right now. Perhaps her leaving with the baby was the best thing for her. She is with her boyfriend (is he the father?), and his parents, so you know they are in a safe place. You also know that she will likely contact you again, if only for a place to stay if things go wrong, or she needs your help.

That will be the time where you can be prepared to compromise, should you decide to allow her home. If she comes home without any expectations from you, the pattern of her coming and going will only continue, because she gets what she wants and needs at the time, and she has not been expected to show much responsibility. (ie your mother and your sister)

You might even consider sending her an email. Tell her that you love her, and you wish her well with the decision she made to move in with her boyfriend and his parents. Encourage her to take good care of herself, and start thinking about her future.

Then, in a kind way, make it clear that should she be in a desperate position again and need to come home, you will accept her under certain conditions. The list them. She is an adult, and you have to expect her to comply with reasonable expectations.

Those might include some sort of debt mediation, school enrollment (she can do course work at home, in the evenings, part-time during the day), and then add to that what you expect of her at home. No attitude, no entitlement. She has to be expected to work for the food shelter and clothing you provide for her. She can't sleep until noon, stay out all night, and expect you to be a full time caregiver to her daughter, and your granddaughter.

Think it through. You are right on the money when you say that your mother and sister providing money to her is not the answer. What would motivate her to take responsibility for her life and her daughter's life, if it is provided without any question by others who 'feel sorry' for her. That, I agree totally, is not what she needs.

To not allow her to face life is to ask for failure, and that is what you'll get. She needs the satisfaction of setting and accomplishing goals, and the ups and downs that go along with that, in order to grow into a responsible, self-sufficient adult.

Should she choose not to follow the rules of the house, she has options. Single mothers have many resources for everything from shelter to assisted education, job training, subsidized daycare etc. Neither of them will go without, should you choose to go that route, if she cannot comply.

As to your mother and sister, I was faced with something very similar. I realized that they were not priority, my daughter was. I refused contact with them, because of their sabotage and disparaging remarks and advise. When I got things straight with my daughter, to this day I am slowly allowing them in my life again. Just move them out of the way.

You have a life to live too. You can take charge and decide how much of your life you are willing to give, and how much of your life you are not willing to give. It is up to your daughter, should she come home, to realize that basic fact. Try to keep positive, and know that I agree totally that it is time for your daughter to step up and do something positive with her life.

And, not a doubt you'll be there for her when she does.

[caramani]

Thank you for your reply. I did send her an e-mail and I did not receive any replies. She went to the post office and now has her mail sent to my sisters home or her boyfriends home. Every room that I enter I see a toy, binky, diapers, high chair, etc and I miss my granddaughter so much. I hope she does not forget about me and I know she is probably wondering where her Mi-Mi is. Thanks for the advise.

[2ndTime]

Caramani, I think you are a wonderful grandmother. It is obvious that your daughter stopped communicating with you completely. If indeed your daughter's behavior is endangering your grand daughter's health, you have all the right to intervene and try to get custody through social service. However, if you do not want to get social services involved than don't worry soon or a later if your daughter doesn't come around your grand daughter will. I used to think that I would lose my niece because my sister did not want me near her because we argued a lot and my sister thought it would be best to hurt me if I did not see my niece at all, but my niece is 9 years old and is starting to ask for me. I make the best of days when they visit and even a small conversation is better than not seeing her at all.