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ymmot · Nov 5, 2009, 06:22 AM

A male co-worker that I do not know gave my wife a scarf as a gift to show his appreciation for all that she has done in supporting his program. My wife does not work directly with the co-worker but is in a support type position that schedules meetings and business trips to name just a couple of her duties. This guy was in England and bought the scarf while there. I have a problem with this and told my wife that the gift was inappropriate. I have nothing against giving gifts of appreciation to co-workers, but a personal item such as a scarf is a bit much in my opinion. I would like to know if anyone thinks (like my wife) that I am over reacting. If I knew the guy it would be different. If the gift had been some inexpensive trinket or something that the two of us could both enjoy, I would be okay with it. What say ye?

N0help4u · Nov 5, 2009, 06:25 AM

Can you get to know him?
You may be over reacting because a scarf could be taken as a personal item or not.
I would watch for more serious signs that there is a problem. Don't be acting like you are looking and out to get her though. Just take little mental notes about anything that may indictate something may be up.

I don't think a scarf is enough evidence. O.J's alleged gloves couldn't even convict him.

artlady · Nov 5, 2009, 06:27 AM

I think it is appropriate and very generous.
I would not worry about it.We are not in the 19th century anymore where women could only accept certain gifts from men.

ymmot · Nov 5, 2009, 07:46 AM

Thanks for the advice. I suppose I'm having a problem with the gift because I personally would think twice before giving a gift of any kink to a married woman if I did not know her husband. I clearly understand that we are not in the 19th century anymore, but when a man gives a gift to a married woman and has never met her husband, I feel that it gives credence to the thought that there is more to the relationship than meets the eye. Besides, why is he thinking about her while on a business trip to England? If my wife wears the scarf, it would be natural for her to think of him. This is one of the reasons a gift such as this one is given to a woman. Also, the scarf is not a cheap one, is very nice, and would easy attract attention. I told my wife that when someone comments on the scarf, if she feels the least bit hesitant to mention who gave it to her, then my point is dead on.

J_9 · Nov 5, 2009, 07:53 AM

Get over it. It wasn't lingere or jewelry, it was a scarf. This was most likely a gift given for a job well done. If she did an exceptional job, he is very happy with her work.

You say she schedules meetings and business trips. Did she schedule this trip to England? If so, he may feel very appreciative of her work.

Do you live in a cold climate? If so, the gift was appropriate for your weather.

Just because she wears the scarf doesn't mean she'll be thinking of him.

Are there other jealousy issues in your relationship?

ymmot · Nov 5, 2009, 08:18 AM

All have been logical responses to my question and supports the concept of trust, confidence, and security in a relationship. I have absolutely no doubt about my wife's sincerity or the excellent strength of our marriage. My concern is aimed toward the gift giver. His intention and purpose are at least worth warranting suspicion. I got what I was looking for from your comments. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction. However, I will watch for additional signs of this strange man (to me) intruding in our marriage via gifts and other tactics.

stevetcg · Nov 5, 2009, 08:25 AM

I think you are overreacting. A small (a scarf qualifies) personal gift says way more to a valued coworker than an impersonal trinket.

If you trust your wife, trust her. Do not interfere and do not subject her to your insecurities. She'll know what is appropriate and what is not. Trust her to deal with it in a way that would make you comfortable with the situation.

stevetcg · Nov 5, 2009, 08:27 AM

Originally Posted by ymmot

Thanks for the advice. I suppose I'm having a problem with the gift because I personally would think twice before giving a gift of any kink to a married woman if I did not know her husband. I clearly understand that we are not in the 19th century anymore, but when a man gives a gift to a married woman and has never met her husband, I feel that it gives credence to the thought that there is more to the relationship than meets the eye. Besides, why is he thinking about her while on a business trip to England? If my wife wears the scarf, it would be natural for her to think of him. This is one of the reasons a gift such as this one is given to a woman. Also, the scarf is not a cheap one, is very nice, and would easy attract attention. I told my wife that when someone comments on the scarf, if she feels the least bit hesitant to mention who gave it to her, then my point is dead on.

A coworker is a coworker regardless of his or her marital status. Treating her differently because she is married is actually discrimination.

excon · Nov 5, 2009, 08:46 AM

Originally Posted by ymmot

I would like to know if anyone thinks (like my wife) that I am over reacting.

Hello y:

Yes, you're over reacting.

excon

N0help4u · Nov 5, 2009, 12:20 PM

[QUOTE=ymmot;2069441] My concern is aimed toward the gift giver. His intention and purpose are at least worth warranting suspicion. QUOTE]

Don't worry about his motives so much. In a good solid relationship a woman with any integrity knows how to handle herself no matter what his intentions or even any passes he may make. In short even if he wishes it doesn't mean a thing as long as she keeps herself professional.

Gemini54 · Nov 5, 2009, 02:43 PM

Actually, I think the gift is utterly appropriate. He wanted to show his appreciation with something personal but not intimate. Something that would remind her of the work she did for him and of his acknowledgment. I would be delighted if someone gave me a lovely scarf.

Your concern about the 'gift giver' is actually revealing something about yourself.

artlady · Nov 5, 2009, 10:28 PM

Originally Posted by ymmot

All have been logical responses to my question and supports the concept of trust, confidence, and security in a relationship. I have absolutely no doubt about my wife’s sincerity or the excellent strength of our marriage. My concern is aimed toward the gift giver. His intention and purpose are at least worth warranting suspicion. I got what I was looking for from your comments. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction. However, I will watch for additional signs of this strange man (to me) intruding in our marriage via gifts and other tactics.

Bottom line ,you trust your wife and you need to trust that she will do the right thing.If she thought it was inappropriate ,she would have dealt with it.
If you trust her ,you must trust her to defend the honor of your love.
Trusting her means trusting her judgment and ability to defend herself .

justcurious55 · Nov 5, 2009, 10:54 PM

I actually view scarfs as a very unpersonal (or is it inpersonal? I've been studying too long today. My brain is fried.) gift. I knit them for people as gifts when I can't think of anything else to give or get them. And I've received quite a few from people I wasn't close to. In fact, some of the nicest ones I have came from people I wasn't closest to. But when I wear them I'm thinking more about how it looks with my sweater and how cold I am that I need to wear a scarf! Lol

And if she's been supporting his work, it seems like it would make sense for him to think of her during a business trip.

As long as you trust her, it shouldn't matter what the gift giver's intentions are

Jake2008 · Nov 7, 2009, 06:23 AM

I agree, you are over reacting, and being unreasonable here. It makes me wonder if you truly do trust your wife, or her co-workers.

I realize you wonder about the male givers' intention with your wife. I would think that if he were interested, he would be taking her along on trips, and accidentally 'forget' to book her her own room. Then he would wine and dine her, slip a few roofies in her champaign, and take advantage of her. Who knows, he could be a serial killer, into S&M, cocaine and hookers too. The guy is a pervert!!

Seriously, get a grip here. It's only a gift. It's not black leather and a nice whip, it's a nice scarf.

If he were into your wife, he'd be doing the text thing, having late meetings, and making a ruckus in the broom closet at work.

You have nothing to justify worrying about him.

SVImager · Nov 9, 2009, 09:50 AM

You didn't analyze the Gift enough.

What Color is the Scarf?
Was there any pattern prints on the Scarf?
Was there a note attached to the Scarf?
Where was it given to her?
When was it given to her?
Did other co-workers received similar Scarf?

A Scarf symbolizes closeness around her neck, an intimate area.

And a Scarf is an EASY Gift to buy without getting the actually size of a person and is an accessory to most clothing item.. His wife probably brought it and the color didn't match any of her coats OR WORST, Co-Worker's Wife received it as a Gift and so they Re-Gifted.

BTW, the Co-Worker was Cheap... a Scarf as an appreciation Gift... a Gift Card to a Restaurant would be better.

justcurious55 · Nov 9, 2009, 10:36 AM

At first I had no idea where you were going with that svimager. But you made some excellent points. Just because he says he picked it up on the business trip, doesn't mean he really did. All this worrying over something that could very easily be a re-gift.

SVImager · Nov 9, 2009, 12:14 PM

HAHA!! I am just playing around with a minor issue.

Unless, your wife has secret phone calls, emails, and text, etc, this is just an innocent situation at work.

Although, these little misTrust and Paranoia are reasons that pushes and strain a relationship... I would be a little more understanding for my wife in this situation.

Trust is one of the key to happiness in your relationships.

Cap64 · Apr 22, 2012, 10:59 AM

I don't think this is so much of a question of jealousy and what is appropriate and what isn't. A "personal item" that can be worn like a scarf (or a tie) when purchased by someone else, has a potential to be interpreted as the purchaser making a fashion decision for that person. I would never give such a gift to a non-family member. "An impersonal trinket" or restaurant gift card is EXACTLY what should have been given to a married person (or even a single woman under certain circumstances).

This is not about living in the 19th century. There are too many married people who cheat on the spouses in today's world, so who is to know what the expectations of an unknown co-worker are for such a gift.

I'm not saying the person in question should not trust their spouse, but the gift is inappropriate. It's sad that so many people don't see this.

angel502 · Apr 19, 2013, 03:45 PM

I agree.. I have an employee that has been great and wanted to get the partner something in appreciation for all her support... Some jobs need a supportive counterpart at home or they wouldn't be able to do the job... I think that is great.. You are over reacting...