[DELI WITH A K]

Hello

I am a 23 year old female, and have been in a relationship with my 30 year old boyfriend for a year come thanksgiving. The relationship is pretty normal. For whatever you consider normal between a man and a woman in a relationship.

I've always been the type to yearn for a beautiful wedding with a great husband, and have beautiful healthy babies. Its just always been something for me to want and have.

Now with this man of mines, the yearn has been the strongest that its ever been, because I have never been so in love before in my life. And he loves me just the same. Here's the problem... From the beginning of our relationship, he has always made it clear that he never wants to get married, and most likely won't have any children. I'm sure you're saying, so why did I get involved in the first place.
Well, when we first met, we were friends for like 3 months. Both of us never had any intentions of getting involved with one another. I was new to the city and we clicked instantly. After we became good friends, I used to always ask him his opinion on guys I was dating. That's when he told me about him never getting married or having children. But that's not all he mentioned, in the beginning of our friendship he also mentioned to me that he didn't want a girlfriend as well, and we're going a year strong now. On top of that, we thought we were expecting a couple of weeks ago, and he was pretty cool about the whole thing. When we found out we weren't, he went right back to being adoment about not having children.

My question or basically just wondering if I'm a dummy for waiting around in this relationship to see if maybe his mind will change about the marriage and children thing just like it did about the girlfriend thing.

[Fr_Chuck]

If you want to stay with him, you have to be willing to do it on his term.

So 10 years from now, is this same level of relationshiop OK with you ?
If not you need to talk with him seriously about where it is heading.
While dateing this is the time you talk and find these things out, and sadly should decide to move on sometimes if it is not where you want to be or go

[talaniman]

After a year you should be getting an idea if you and your b/f will move to the next level. Since I'm sure you have made it clear what you want, and you know what he wants, then talk and see if there is a middle ground you can both live with. If not decision time, and you have to make the hard choices go or stay. Things happen that's why there are a lot of divorces and single parent house holds, so get the notion you can change people out of your mind, and don't count on people changing because of what you want. Communicate before you get to the things happen stage.

[flower81]

I personally think when a guy thinks like that he being abit selfish.

I have a friend who is married, been married for 3 years now, she is dying to have a baby while her husband is totally opposite. He says kids are annoying and a hand full of money.

Is that a thing to say to your wife?

[valinors_sorrow]

I don't think refusing to have kids needs to be villified here. It is as legitimate a choice as the one to have kids. It is a personal decision that needs to be honored, if there is any love involved. I think where it goes awry is when a person who wants kids hooks up with a person who doesn't or when someone hasn't been fully honest about it. The question you are really asking Deli, is this-- is he strong in his convictions or can you influence him in some way? And only you and he can answer that by talking it out. Pushing soemone into parenthood can have longterm consequences for more than one person. Although I am not suggesting you did this, it needs to be said that its not fair to circumvent someone's refusal to have kids by "accidentally" getting pregnant when pregnancy is so easily avoided -- its called responsible safe sex. My first love left me after I would not be rushed into marriage and kids. And although that hurt a lot, I look back on it today and realise I would not have it any other way. Every child deserves two committed parents. It is that big of a deal.

[Wildcat21]

If at 30 he knows he doesn't wan to get married - that may be it. Some people just don't want kids.

Maybe time to move on - tel lhim your feelings - maybe he'll come around to your side - maybe not.

He also could be jaded and messing with you.

[Skell]

Its not about ultimatums but perhaps if this is what you really want then you have to sit him down and have a long and honest talk to him about it. You will be able to gauge his honest feelings. You may have to tell him that although you love him, you also love the thought of marriage and children and perhaps if he doesn't share this love that it is time for you to move on and find someone who does.
I don't know, maybe hearing from you how deep your desire is to have this that you will leave him because he won't will make him think long and hard about his future and whate he really wants.
As I said, it is not about ultimatums as I really think you have to judge for yourself whether his heart will be in it as much as yours.

It is a tough one and only you can make the decision but I think right now COMMUNICATION is the key.

A long and honest talk with him is required. You need to thrash out what you want and where you are both headed. But be prepared for answers you may not want to hear!

Good luck and keep us posted please.

[momincali]

Deli, as others have said here, not wanting marriage or children doesn't make you mean, weird or a villain. If this is something that you have wanted your whole life, than, he must know it, but yet he stays, why I'm not sure. Nonetheless, you can't assume that because he was "cool" with the idea of you possibly being pregnant that this is enough to go on, its not. Neither of you knew for sure whether you were pregnant, so there was no reason for him to walk away, yet. However, if he had, it should not have come as a surprise. Don't tempt fate by allowing yourself to get into that situation again. It's not fair to him since he made his feelings known in advance and it sure as heck isn't fair to the kid who will most likely grow up without a father or with one who didn't really want him.

You need to make a decision like S. Cianci said, its not an ultimatum. Talk to him, get things straight, and you will have your answer, but be prepared that it may not be the one you want to hear. That is the mature and responsible thing to do. Don't risk any more pregnancies with this guy. I'm sure he's great, but he doesn't want to be a father or a husband. If I were you, personally, I would choose to find a man who has the same goals and desires I have. Someone who wants a family for all the right reasons. Someone who wants to be the father of all of my children.

[Skell]

Had to spread it mom but great stuff! As usual!

[aqua@home]

Yes Fr Chuck!

If you stay with anyone you have to accept the fact that they might never change and accept it when they actually do change. We all change and grow as we get older and go through things, but we can't choose the parts of us that do or when that happens.

This is what dating is for! There needs to be compromise in all relationships but what things people are willing to bend on will be different for everyone. There is no such thing as closing your eyes and jumping, you need to go in with both eyes open.

[ordinaryguy]

At the age of 30 he should know what he wants. It's clearly not what you want. It doesn't sound like you're willing to consider changing what you want, so you can either continue the relationship in the hope that you can change his mind, or get out and hope to find someone who shares your hopes and dreams. Either way, there are no guarantees, but if you stay with him and he doesn't change his mind, you'll eventually come to resent him for keeping you from your desires, and you're highly unlikely to meet someone who shares your dream. If you get pregnant to force the issue, he'll probably resent you for it. If you aren't willing to be alone for awhile until you do find the right person, maybe you aren't as committed to your dream as you thought. I think you should take him at his word and break it off. This will give you both the chance to decide if it's worth it to stick to your position. If one or the other decides to change, you can get back together and be on the same page. If not, you both need to move on.