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mudweiser · Nov 14, 2009, 04:10 PM

Originally Posted by wylgwylg

I don't love him???

Nope. I don't think you do.

You came back to him not because of love but fear of being alone.

Sarah

Cat1864 · Nov 14, 2009, 04:26 PM

Originally Posted by wylgwylg

He is a really nice guy, and he understands me, I have never been that close to a man like that. I feel really comfortable around him, other guys just make me really nervous.

How many other men/boys did you date before you married him? For that matter, how long did you date him before you got married?

2ndTime · Nov 14, 2009, 05:11 PM

I am sort of having a problem with your husband letting you sleep around with other guys. Does he have a erectile dysfunction? If this is the case, maybe you should try some sort of medication. But, you did also mentioned that you are not attracted to him physically. Marriage isn't all about just sex. It's about being together. You've slept with other guys, but you didn't like it. Maybe you have mixed feelings about what marriage is. Real marriage is not like the ones in the movies. Couples don't always have sex to be in love and in marriage. You also said you'd like to settle down, but your actions are compeletely opposite. You left, but came back to your husband because you don't want to be lonely. Did you came back because what he provided for you? Or is it because he is so understanding that you felt guilty? And did you came to this site for people to tell you that it is o.k. for you to leave your husband? No one can tell you what you want. You either leave your husband because you want to or stay and work it out because it is right thing to do.

wylgwylg · Nov 15, 2009, 11:25 AM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

How many other men/boys did you date before you married him? For that matter, how long did you date him before you got married?

He is the only proper one. We had been together for six months before we got married.

Cat1864 · Nov 15, 2009, 04:38 PM

Originally Posted by wylgwylg

He is the only proper one. We had been together for six months before we got married.

That really wasn't very long to get to know him (and to understand the repercussions of the age difference) before marrying him.

I can understand the feeling of being 'comfortable' with him and for someone who wants to settle down and build a family that feeling is very important. However, I think you have not been feeling as satisfied in this marriage as you would be in one that went through the strong feelings that make you 'feel nervous'. I think you have been trying to fill an emotional void by having sexual relationships outside your marriage.

I am going to recommend that you go to marriage counseling not to 'save' the marriage, but to get help in amicably dissolving it. I also think you need separate individual counseling to give yourself the resources you need to be on your own.

I hope someday you find yourself and someone who you can love with all of your being and who loves you the same way.

zippit · Nov 15, 2009, 05:00 PM

This was a marriage of convience for you and opportunity for him,convience wears off faster than opportunity.You are throwing some very good years of you'r life away playing house with this guy.Can you picture yourself with him and kids 20 yrs from now?or even 10?
Most men that will allow you to run all over them get real pshyco when you try to leave them be careful!!

wylgwylg · Nov 16, 2009, 10:55 AM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

That really wasn't very long to get to know him (and to understand the repercussions of the age difference) before marrying him.

I can understand the feeling of being 'comfortable' with him and for someone who wants to settle down and build a family that feeling is very important. However, I think you have not been feeling as satisfied in this marriage as you would be in one that went through the strong feelings that make you 'feel nervous'. I think you have been trying to fill an emotional void by having sexual relationships outside your marriage.

I am going to recommend that you go to marriage counseling not to 'save' the marriage, but to get help in amicably dissolving it. I also think you need separate individual counseling to give yourself the resources you need to be on your own.

I hope someday you find yourself and someone who you can love with all of your being and who loves you the same way.

Thank you:)

wylgwylg · Nov 16, 2009, 10:57 AM

Originally Posted by 2ndTime

I am sort of having a problem with your husband letting you sleep around with other guys. Does he have a erectile dysfunction? If this is the case, maybe you should try some sort of medication. But, you did also mentioned that you are not attracted to him physically. Marriage isn't all about just sex. It's about being together. You've slept with other guys, but you didn't like it. Maybe you have mixed feelings about what marriage is. Real marriage is not like the ones in the movies. Couples don't always have sex to be in love and in marriage. You also said you'd like to settle down, but your actions are compeletely opposit. You left, but came back to your husband because you don't want to be lonely. Did you came back because what he provided for you? Or is it because he is so understanding that you felt guilty? And did you came to this site for people to tell you that it is o.k. for you to leave your husband? No one can tell you what you want. You either leave your husband because you want to or stay and work it out because it is right thing to do.

How can you know whether it is the right thing to do??

2ndTime · Nov 17, 2009, 10:17 AM

No one can tell you that you staying with your husband is right thing to do. What are your marital values? What do you want? If you are staying with your husband because he provides for you and because you feel guilty because he is so understanding, but you never said you loved him. Do you love him? If the answer is no, then yes, get out of the marriage. Loveless marriage is no better than two strangers living together. Marriage takes two people in love. No matter how much your husband loves and try to understand your childish behavior, he cannot make you love him.

Jake2008 · Nov 17, 2009, 10:47 AM

I think he probably either loves you very much, and is just as confused as you are, or he's having a fling on the side. He's in at least his 40's, and hardly old enough to not enjoy sex. When a man says to have sex with other men, most likely, in my opinion, he's either guilty of infidelity himself, or he has a problem.

The problem may be erectile dysfunction as somebody has already pointed out. Seems to me that should be ruled out before you hop into the sack with another man. Counselling is a very good option for you while you are still trying to figure out what to do. No doubt he is at a loss himself, and the two of you need to sit down and figure it out with a marriage counsellor.

One thing is for certain. If the sex has become the focal point of whether to keep the marriage going, then you are missing a whole bunch of the between stuff. There are reasons couples lose intimacy in their relationship and that is what you need to find out.

That aside, marriage isn't all about sex! It has nothing to do with you justifying sleeping with men, because he is so much older than you, or that you got married too young. If it is only your insecurities keeping you there, then you are being unfair to yourself, and unfair to him.

If you want the marriage to work, get into marriage counselling and figure out what the problems are. If you want your freedom and want out, then don't use him as a comfort blanket, and let him get on with his life also.

SVImager · Nov 17, 2009, 10:20 PM

WOW!! I have seen some age difference marriages before, Usually it doesn't work out.

When you are 40, can you picture yourself with a 60 year old man.

Like one of the other poster said, I think you are afraid to be alone and getting your own life. That is fine... but what you are wasting is TIME and the possibility of meaning someone that is suitable for you.

2ndTime · Nov 18, 2009, 11:38 AM

I ex was 20 years older than me, my current boy friend is the same way. I divorced my ex because he was abusive, but my friend and I have no problem getting along and love each other madly (5yrs together and strong). The age really has nothing to do with having a good marriage. I also think that sex is much better with older man, they want to please woman more. I am 38 and my boyfriend is over 50's. I would not change a bit.

Devorameira · Nov 19, 2009, 05:12 PM

Marriages can work out with large age differences, but they really can't survive infidelity. He may be telling you that it's okay for you to sleep around in an effort to keep you, but believe it when I say that he is really hurting bad inside at your decisions. It's not fair to him for you to even want to sleep around. You need to get your head on straight ..... perhaps a separation would help you decide what you really want.

wylgwylg · Dec 19, 2009, 07:43 PM

Threads merged

Do you need to find yourself before you get into any relationship?
When can you find yourself?
How long will it take?

talaniman · Dec 19, 2009, 10:22 PM

I think most of us find ourselves just by living, and growing, and learning. We try things, and make mistakes, and try other things until we see a way to be happy with who we are.

For some of us it's a lifetime journey that never ends, but we can get comfortable with the direction we are on, and be sure of the path we follow.

I think the point is to be able to survive what life throws at you, and keep striving for your own happiness.

I guess how long you take to be happy with yourself, and what your doing, is what determines how long it will take you to get there.

There are no set answers, or timetables to follow, you have to judge that for yourself.