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dragospruce · Feb 17, 2009, 05:41 AM

My wife and I have been married for seventeen years. We have had a good marriage but I admit that a couple of years ago I got wrapped up in work and was not always attentive to her or our daughter. I’ll be the first to admit that it was wrong and I know that I will never do it again. My wife had a male friend that she has known since high school. They have been friends for about twenty six years. My wife has told me that their relationship has always been platonic. However she does say that he is her best friend.
I know that during the time that I was concentrating on my work, she confided in him that we were having marital problems. He lived about two hours away and they talked on the phone every single day (usually four or more times a day) for about two and a half months straight. I know he heard only the negative things about me. So he had no respect for me and did not like me.
One day when I saw the cell phone bill and realized what was going on, I confronted her about it. This was what made me realize that I had been a complete fool for not being a good husband and father. I told her that I would change and asked if she would stop talking to the guy so much. She stopped, but only for a short while.
A few weeks later, while cleaning up around the house, I found some notes that she had written to the guy (I don’t believe he ever saw them). Nothing really horrible, but they did sound like she had feelings for the guy that was more than just wanting to be friends. I asked my wife about them and she admitted that she had some feelings for the guy, but she had written them over a year ago and she had “worked through it”. My wife told me that she has always been faithful to me and that the notes were nothing.
At about the same time the guy had moved in with another woman. I know my wife kept in touch and even went to see them from time to time. They wound up having a bad breakup and they split apart.
Late last year the guy moved to our city to start a new job. It turns out that his new job and apartment are about five minutes from where my wife works. I knew that they were going out to lunch frequently from debit card transactions. I was a little concerned but figured its just lunch and they are just talking. Recently, I came across some credit card receipts and discovered that my wife had paid for the first two months of his rent. She had paid for a rental car for him when his card had broken down. I know that he asked my wife to pay for his car repairs to the tune of about $2500. My wife told me this only after I asked. I also know that he comes to my wife every month for money. Basically he tells her how much he needs and my wife gives him cash. I have never stopped to figure up a total, but I estimate that in the five months he has lived here, my wife has given him several thousand dollars. And the total continues to increase every month.
To this day, I know that they go out together every week and usually Saturday night to skate. They ride bicycles together. This usually means lunch and/or dinner afterwards. They frequently have lunch together during the week. My wife always pays. My wife goes over to his apartment every week. Although this makes me very uncomfortable and I have asked my wife several times not to. She still does it any way.
All of this has caused some bitter arguments between my wife and me. I don’t mind her having a male friend. But some of this makes me really uncomfortable. So after all of this information, here are my questions:

Am I wrong to feel like I have lost my wife?
Is it wrong to ask her not to go to his apartment alone?
Is it wrong to ask her to stop giving him money every month?
What options do I have?
I love my wife dearly, but all of this is ripping me to pieces. And it is beginning to affect my job and I can’t seem to think about anything else.

Shelesh · Feb 17, 2009, 06:16 AM

Nothing is over yet.. It's absolutely normal you feel like this. I have a girlfriend, I love her a lot and I know how it is to be hurt.. In your case, you are married for 17 years, you have a daughter and it's terrible and really hard. You have the full right to tell her not to go alone.
After all YOU are the man of the house. Seems like she's given more importance to her friend than you. Well, am not an expert in relationship but still I'd like to share a little. Try to be more concern about her, be romantic, take her out, make her enjoy life with you... Give yourself entirely to her. Then later start to talk about her friend, show how much you love her, you need her and you don't want to lose her... Tell her how you feel when she meets her friend.

Remember, nothing is over yet...

Shelesh · Feb 17, 2009, 06:29 AM

Be honest to her and a good communication is important. You must have patience. What you can do, try to meet your wife's friend and show him that you are a nice man and that you love your wife a lot but the relationship your wife is sharing with him is causing much trouble in you married life.
I hope everything will be OK soon.
Take care!

dragospruce · Feb 18, 2009, 08:03 AM

Thanks for the response. I have met the guy several times in the past. I had always tried to be polite and he was the same. It is just ever since he has moved here, only he and my wife do things together. I have asked several times if I could come along. My wife has always found some excuse why I could not. When I finally asked what the real reason was, my wife said “He doesn’t like you”. Why I know that I should care less whether someone likes my or not. It is difficult to accept that my wife wants to be best friends (and spend a considerable amount of time alone) with someone who doesn’t like her husband. I could never be friends with someone who didn’t like my wife.

Shelesh · Feb 18, 2009, 10:33 AM

It's terrible what you are going through.. Try to know what she see in that guy but does see in you...

Someone told me today that a man living with his wife after several years of marriage is like living with his sister. Human likes changes... Be different but don't change drastically... What I mean by 'be different' is to do things that you and your wife rarely do or never did before. Surely, by now you already know what she likes or dislikes..

One day, what you can do before having a sexual intercourse, change the atmosphere of the room; a few candles, change the light bulb and replace it by a 'weaker' one(the room should not be lighted up bright everywhere), a choose a bulb of the color the likes the most.. It will be better if she is not aware of anything, it will be like a surprise for her:)

I remind you, am not an expert in this particular matter, but am trying to help the way I can because I know it's very hard for you and I can't really imagine what you are going through since am not married, but I know it's really very terrible.

Go to this link:

TheRomantic.com: 1000s of Creative Romantic Ideas and Free Expert Advice on Love, Relationships, Sex, Kissing, Dating and Romance

Check all the 3 boxes, type your mail address and subscribe to it.
(scroll down, it's on the right)

Take care and wish you all the best with your wife.
Hope to hear from you soon!
God Bless..

Shelesh · Feb 18, 2009, 10:38 AM

Sorry, mistakes on:
6th line - 'a'
7th line - 'she' instead of 'the'

Sorry for all the silly mistakes... :D

asking · Feb 18, 2009, 10:46 AM

Holy cow! Your wife is spending all her quality time with her friend.

What exactly do YOU do with your wife? When do you go out to dinner together and sit face to face? If you do, is it pleasant or awkward? Is she talking about her friend all the time or apparently distracted?

If it was me, I'd ask that she break up with her "friend." She has not "worked through" anything as far as I can see from what you've written.

Have you had any counseling? Your relationship with your wife needs some serious work, so that, among other things, you aren't spending all your time passively checking up on her and worrying about all the things you've found out. This is not healthy.

artlady · Feb 18, 2009, 10:57 AM

You should be her best friend.Period.

Hanging out all the time and giving money,it all smells bad.

I would watch them very closely because you need to protect yourself and your marriage.

Friendship that interferes with marriage is dangerous.If she is willing to sacrifice her marriage for this friend,you need to ask her what her priorities are.They should be you!

Shelesh · Feb 18, 2009, 11:16 AM

You cannot just ask her directly, right now to stop everything with that guy... firstly, win her love and affection back. It's you who must make her accept what you say, else she may categorically refuse you.. It's you who must make her say that you are the priority in her life.. Imagine if today itself, roughly, you tell her to stop meeting her male friend, no phone calls, no contact at all.. imagine she says NO, will be completely shattered and destroyed. Don't give her the chance to say no...

It's easy to advise but when you have you put these advise into action, it's harder..
So, be courageous and don't give up.
Bye..

asking · Feb 18, 2009, 11:23 AM

Originally Posted by Shelesh

You cannot just ask her directly, right now to stop everything with that guy....

. . . It's easy to advise but when you have you put these advise into action, it's harder..
So, be courageous and don't give up.

Shelesh, you make great points. I agree that the OP may not want to bring things to a head too soon by confronting her or demanding that she break up with this uberfriend.

But I still think what artlady said needed to be said.

artlady · Feb 18, 2009, 01:48 PM

Your wife should know by now that *dating* is not acceptable in marriage. Are you footing the bill for these lovely outings and rent on his place? If she is giving all her money to him,clearly someone has to pick up the slack,I assume that would be you.

In response to the claim that *he doesn't like you*. Well,would you like someone who stood in the way of you getting what you want?

Women come here with these issues all the time,we generally tell them to get some backbone and self-esteem. I think you need to do so as well.

dragospruce · Feb 19, 2009, 05:56 AM

First, thanks to everyone for your responses. To answer some of your questions:

Asking: my wife and I do go out to dinner about once a week. I also like to take her to lunch a couple of times a month. We also skate and ride bicycles. Nothing ever seems awkward and she never seems distracted. Her friend rarely comes up because it leads to an argument. I have told her numerous times how I feel about her relationship with her friend. Se just complains that I am jealous and insecure. I really believe she likes to keep the two relationships (her marriage and her guy friend) separate.

Shelesh: I always compliment my wife on her looks and I tell her how much I love her and that she is the most important person in my wife. I send her flowers, candy, and plants to her work. I always include a love poem that I have written. I like to just walk up a give her a hug and tell her how much she means to me. She tells me that she loves me too. For this past Christmas and for Valentines Day, I took her to a jewelry store and let her pick out what ever she wanted. I love her with all my heart and everyday I show her.

Artlady: Learning that my wife was paying this guy’s rent, and the fact that she is giving him money every month was a huge blow to me. This guy does have a job, but apparently he does not make enough to pay his bills. While I think it is a good thing to help someone out in a time of need (that is what friends are for). I just think at some point (it’s been five months now) that this guy would get a second job or do whatever it takes to pay his own way. Instead he just tells my wife how much he needs and my wife gives him the cash (this is always several hundred dollars and I’m sure sometimes over a thousand dollars every month).

I don’t know if my wife still loves him or not. She always says “we are just friends”. And I know that within itself is a dangerous statement. Every time I try and bring the guy friend up in a conversation my wife tells me that I am jealous and insecure. I have told her that I am upset that she is giving him money. She just says that we have enough and that we are paying our own bills so it’s no big deal. She gives him money from her own paycheck so she says it’s her money and she can do whatever she wants with it.

dragospruce · Feb 20, 2009, 05:35 PM

One of the hardest things I’m dealing with now is that for about the last month my wife is not coming home until about 2 ½ to 3 hours after work 4 nights a week (the usual travel time is 45-50 minutes). When I ask here casually if everything is ok; (because she is late) she says that she had errands to run. She never has any packages or groceries. I know that if I confront her, she will get defensive and it will start an argument. I want to trust her. I just wish she would be honest. The “not knowing” is the hardest part. Can anyone give me advice on how to handle this situation?

Shelesh · Feb 24, 2009, 08:51 AM

Things are worst than I thought... Have u ever told her that it hurts you the way she leads her life? If not, try to do so.

After work, you may fetch her and bring her somewhere.
You are in a very complicated situation, so, think wisely before you act..

dragospruce · Feb 25, 2009, 04:50 PM

Originally Posted by artlady

Your wife should know by now that *dating* is not acceptable in marriage. Are you footing the bill for these lovely outings and rent on his place? If she is giving all her money to him,clearly someone has to pick up the slack,I assume that would be you.

In response to the claim that *he doesn't like you*. Well,would you like someone who stood in the way of you getting what you want?

Women come here with these issues all the time,we generally tell them to get some backbone and self-esteem. I think you need to do so as well.

That is the way I feel sometimes. I’m just here for financial support.

dragospruce · Feb 25, 2009, 04:51 PM

Originally Posted by Shelesh

Things are worst than i thought... Have u ever told her that it hurts you the way she leads her life? If not, try to do so.

After work, you may fetch her and bring her somewhere.
You are in a very complicated situation, so, think wisely before you act..

My wife knows exactly how I feel. Yet she continues to do what she wants.

artlady · Feb 25, 2009, 05:03 PM

Originally Posted by dragospruce

One of the hardest things I’m dealing with now is that for about the last month my wife is not coming home until about 2 ½ to 3 hours after work 4 nights a week (the usual travel time is 45-50 minutes). When I ask here casually if everything is ok; (because she is late) she says that she had errands to run. She never has any packages or groceries. I know that if I confront her, she will get defensive and it will start an argument. I want to trust her. I just wish she would be honest. The “not knowing” is the hardest part. Can anyone give me advice on how to handle this situation?

She is emotionally distancing herself from you and in your effort to keep the peace she is slipping away day by day.

If you want to fight for your marriage you need to be pro active and start demanding the respect you deserve. Let her shout and get defensive,so what? You have some rights as a husband and if you don't want to fight for them or her,keep doing what you are doing until she is gone from you beyond reach.

She should not have to account for every minute of her time but clearly,there are only so many errands one has to run after work.

If it was me,I would be checking phone calls and looking at car mileage and I would be playing detective.Is it honorable to snoop.. I think when your marriage is at risk and she has given you all these reasons to doubt... yes!

dragospruce · Feb 26, 2009, 04:09 PM

Originally Posted by artlady

She is emotionally distancing herself from you and in your effort to keep the peace she is slipping away day by day.

If you want to fight for your marriage you need to be pro active and start demanding the respect you deserve. Let her shout and get defensive,so what? You have some rights as a husband and if you don't want to fight for them or her,keep doing what you are doing until she is gone from you beyond reach.

She should not have to account for every minute of her time but clearly,there are only so many errands one has to run after work.

If it was me,I would be checking phone calls and looking at car mileage and I would be playing detective.Is it honorable to snoop..I think when your marriage is at risk and she has given you all these reasons to doubt...yes!

I know that they talk to each other every day. They use work phones and work email so there is no way for me to check them. He lives and works literally five minutes from her job so the mileage is negligible. The only thing she can’t hide is the money because I have access to the bank and credit card accounts. I have no problem fighting to keep my wife. Trust me if it came to the point that it was a physical altercation with the guy; I would make sure he understood exactly how much I intend to keep her. The really confusing part is that my wife says she loves me. She is affectionate towards me. Is it possible for her to love both of us? Is it like you said; that she enjoys dating someone even though she is married? I just wish I knew what he offers her that I don’t. Trust me, I have asked her many times. I always get the response that they are “only friends”. I just don’t think they should spend so much time together.

sylvan_1998 · Feb 27, 2009, 01:47 PM

Yes it is possible that she loves him and you. Yes it is possible that she loves the just dating him and making a life with you. But the question is do you like this? Is she worth sacraficing what you are for this?

I think you need to stand up for what you want and what you need. When she says you are jealous and insecure (which are tanked answers) thell her those are typical responses of cheaters with something to hide. Then ask her if she would like to discuss this instead of trying to place blame?

Lastly, I would cancel any charge with your name on them. I would distance myself from her finances and make her contribute to you all's finances. She freeely contributes to him, tell her you want the same.

But really none of this is going to work to save your marriage if you do not go to counseling. Start with personal counseling and try to convince her to couples counseling. Nothing is like being told how wrong you are in front of the person you are trying to bamboozle in trying to have your cake and eat it too. She will definitely have to stop some of these activities and you may find you have more fault that you see right now.

I really wish you the best of luck.

artlady · Feb 27, 2009, 02:43 PM

Originally Posted by dragospruce

I know that they talk to each other every day. They use work phones and work email so there is no way for me to check them. He lives and works literally five minutes from her job so the mileage is negligible. The only thing she can’t hide is the money because I have access to the bank and credit card accounts. I have no problem fighting to keep my wife. Trust me if it came to the point that it was a physical altercation with the guy; I would make sure he understood exactly how much I intend to keep her. The really confusing part is that my wife says she loves me. She is affectionate towards me. Is it possible for her to love both of us? Is it like you said; that she enjoys dating someone even though she is married? I just wish I knew what he offers her that I don’t. Trust me, I have asked her many times. I always get the response that they are “only friends”. I just don’t think they should spend so much time together.

It is like the old expression goes,you can't have your cake and eat it too.

She is having it all and its just not right ,no matter how you slice it!

It is not what she is saying that is up for questioning,it is her actions and her actions do not show love and respect. She can say anything and possibly give you affection,kind of like throwing you a bone to keep you appeased.

I think you are being played in the worst way.At some point I think she needs to be given an ultimatum.You have three people in your marriage and I am confidant you did not sign on for that.

You could also follow her and see what these errands are that keep her busy four times a week.

I do believe that you can have feelings for two people but I also believe it is wrong and selfish.