[Justwantfair]

I feel like I could find your wife's thread somewhere else on this website... about how she has been unfaithful for years and she can't decide between her husband and boyfriend.

I have a best male friend and a significant other. My best male friend and I dated in the past, but now the relationship is purely platonic. Furthermore, I would never jeoporadize my significant others feelings for my best friend although I feel we will always be best friends. What your wife is doing is excessive and wrong. It would seem that there is way more than friendship to his story.

I think you need to confront her, if this marriage is important to her, she will find a way to make you comfortable with the friendship if it is purely platonic. If it isn't purely platonic, she will get defensive and behave like you are the one with an issue, so she can ensure that she can have both of you devoted to her.

You have to confront this issue. Your wife has behaviors that have to be corrected for a healthy marriage.

[DonaldM_23]

Am I wrong to feel like I have lost my wife?
You haven't lost your wife at all. It seems that your wife needs constant attention.

Is it wrong to ask her not to go to his apartment alone? When it comes to another man or woman you have the right for your wife never ever to speak to him again. You have ever right, don't think at all you don't.

Is it wrong to ask her to stop giving him money every month? You need to tell her what are her motives, friends are friends yes. On the other hand this so called "Friend of hers" needs to respect your relationship and stay far away

What options do I have?
Here are your options. Have a man to man talk with her so called friend. Make it clear that your not comfortable with the friendship and she should stay away. Your other option is to set an ultimatium. Tell your wife it's either him or me. One mistake married couple do in this situation is go and find another woman to comfort the pain. Don't give up, be stern and show your wife in many ways that your serious about making things work. Also take your wife on a cruise or a get away. Restablish the love and connection, like may dad would say. "Put it on her real good and she will forget what the whole problem was" lol keep me posted

[dragospruce]

Thank you to everyone for your responses and advice. Recently I visited my wife's “friend's” myspace page. And with really no surprise were pictures of him and my wife. Actually two pictures. One that was taken at our home during a party about three or four years ago (way before any of the recent events) and a very recent one just of my wife in his apartment wearing his jacket and sandals. I told my wife that I was not comfortable with the latter simply because it was taken in his apartment and I have asked her not to go to his place alone. My wife got defense and said that it was his myspace account and he could put up whatever pictures he wanted and they were not obscene pictures or insinuate anything. True enough but I still explained that I was not comfortable having my wife's picture on another guy's webpage. Well, my wife went back to her friend and told him that I through a fit and demanded that he remove the picture. He did. So last night my wife and I had to make about an hour-and-a-half trip to deliver some items for an upcoming charity drive. My wife started the conversation first saying that it is unfair for me to say that her guy friend goes with her everywhere she goes. I explained that if she wants to go skating that she coordinates it with him. The same for riding bicycles; if my wife is not there he won't show up. That's when she told me what she told her friend about the picture. My wife said that he called me an idiot and that he really does not like me. Whatever. What I know so far is that my wife gives him about $900 to $1000 cash every month. She also pays some of his utilities and credit cards plus frequent lunches and dinners. She still wants to exclude me from everything they do even if I ask to come along. Would it be the wrong thing to do if I confront the guy myself? I know where he works; I know where he lives (just not the apartment number). I have his cell phone number and email address (not that he would ever respond to them). I mean I just want to let the guy know what he is doing to my marriage. I know that whatever I say or do will go immediately back to my wife. And I'm sure this would infuriate my wife. And I'm not sure if it would solve any of my problems. If I were to give my wife an ultimatum, I think it would push her even further away from me.

[Justwantfair]

Your wife isn't with you now.

You wife has put this man before her marriage. As I have said I have both a s/o and male best friend. I would never challenge my s/o to the point that he felt intimidated by my best friend.

I think she HAS to make a choice and if you already know what that choice would be, then you may already know where you stand.

[dragospruce]

Your wife isn't with you now.

You wife has put this man before her marriage. As I have said I have both a s/o and male best friend. I would never challenge my s/o to the point that he felt intimidated by my best friend.

I think she HAS to make a choice and if you already know what that choice would be, then you may already know where you stand.

Thanks Justwantfair. Your response really hit me hard. But I also believe what you say is true. I find myself breaking down and crying uncontrollably from all of this pain. The really hard part is that I don’t believe my wife would leave me for him. I know that there is no way my wife could support him and herself. Also she would have to make a drastic lifestyle change from what she is accustomed to. And most importantly I have my daughter to consider. I find myself trying to be her “buddy”. Doing activities with her and taking her out to a movie, the mall, or just dropping her off or picking her up from one of friend’s home. I guess I’m torn now. Stay where I am until there is nothing left of my heart and soul (I think much is already dead). Or ask my wife to choose. Either way, I don’t think I can take it much longer.

[Justwantfair]

I feel for your situation, we talk a lot in this site about emotional cheating on your partner. I think that is the line that your wife has crossed.

I could never advocate destroying a household, but I don't think the way you are being treated is fair, but only you can make your choices for yourself.

I do wish you the best of luck with this because I do feel your pain and I know that most of the pain is because we all deserve to be treated with concern for our feelings by the people who should/do love us the most.

I agree that you are on the final strings of your heart and soul. I can't remember if we have discussed this, but have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe what you really need is that third party to assist your wife in seeing the hurt she is causing. It sures doesn't help her running back to him to report on you.

[dragospruce]

I feel for your situation, we talk alot in this site about emotional cheating on your partner. I think that is the line that your wife has crossed.

I could never advocate destroying a household, but I don't think the way you are being treated is fair, but only you can make your choices for yourself.

I do wish you the best of luck with this because I do feel your pain and I know that most of the pain is because we all deserve to be treated with concern for our feelings by the people who should/do love us the most.

I agree that you are on the final strings of your heart and soul. I can't remember if we have discussed this, but have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe what you really need is that third party to assist your wife in seeing the hurt she is causing. It sures doesn't help her running back to him to report on you.

When all of this started last year, I did my own research on the Internet and “emotional affair” fit perfectly. I also know that statistically, most emotional affairs eventually turn physical. I have no way of knowing if this is happened or not. I have read that if you ask your spouse if they are physically involved with someone else; they will lie if they are.

I have told my wife that when we are having a discussion/argument/disagreement about her guy friend that it is just between us. That we each have the right to discuss our feelings and emotions without them ever going any further that just us. But what has happened is just what you said; she runs back to him to report on me. I also know that if she is mad she will distort the information to make what I said sound much worse.

I have asked my wife several times to go to a marriage counselor. I told her that I would find one, set up to work around both of our schedules, and drive us there. She said that she does not need to go. That I am the one with all the problems. So I am considering going alone. I really don’t have anyone else to talk to and I know that it has affected my job. I know that I am depressed and I don’t know what else to do.

[Rich11111]

Unless you can get her to see what this is doing to your marriage it is already over in my opinion. She is almost defiantly having an emotional affair and unless you can get her to see that and stop it herself I don't think there is much you can do.

You can't live like this much longer and if you simply give her an ultimatum she will either
a) whilst very unlikely, she could choose him since it is you forcing her to choose.
b)She chooses you but because of how attached to this man she has become she will hate you for it.

[Rich11111]

Neverme
I didn't mean to say the marriage was beyond saving, just that the only way I personally see of getting the marriage back to what it was before is to get the wife to see that what she is doing is wrong and for her to willingly stop it.
Whilst it may stopping it going any further, Forcing her to stop something she doesn't view as wrong will not mend the damage done to this relationship.

[Justwantfair]

If there aren't two people willing to work on this marriage, I agree, this relationship won't be saved. Both parties need to be focusing on the problems and the fact is her behaviors ARE a problem, not because of you, but because they affect you.

Start with the individual counseling, if she can't see that it would save the marriage. It may help you build the foundation to leave or live your own life.

[Jake2008]

I agree with Justwantfair,

Individual counselling is a great idea. It is important that your feelings, impressions, concerns and questions are validated and you have an impartial person to express yourself to, without reservation.

That is not to say the marriage won't turn around and she will get onboard and serious. But, to concentrate on taking back control of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions, is the best thing you could do to give you reassurance that you aren't crazy, and that you are entitled to some control over your life.

[dragospruce]

Thanks again everyone for your advice. I have made up my mind that I will look for a counselor next week. I agree with Rich11111. I have mentioned giving her an ultimatum in past arguments. She said that it would only drive us (my wife and I) further apart. At this point if I bring up his name in a conversation, she immediately gets mad and refuses to even try to talk about. I also understand what Justwantfair, Rich11111 andJake22008 are saying. Seeing a counselor may help me out but my wife will just continue on.
Last night I did confide to a member of my wife's family. I know that I can trust this person explicitly. It did help to just be able to pour my heart and have them listen rather than just tell me that it's me with all the problems. They also urged me to seek counseling even if my wife won't go.

I have been struggling with something that I would like advice on. I have mentioned this before. Would it help to confront her guy friend? I know that he is the type of person that would go out of his way to avoid a confrontation. So it would have to be set up as sort of a chance meeting. How does it work for the person outside of the marriage involved in an emotional affair? Is my wife's friend just as “deep into it” as she is? I mean he is single so therefore no relationship of his own to destroy. But that is what I want to tell him is that he in part (I know my wife is guilty too) is destroying my marriage. That I want him to stop taking money from my wife. And for the time being stay away from my wife…indefinitely.

[Justwantfair]

My personal advice would be no.

I don't think that any good will come of confronting him about the situation. It is your wife's situation to handle and if you can't get her support in the problem, seeking him out will not give an gratification or solution. In fact, when (because we both know it will) it gets back to your wife that you went behind her and did that, it will further drive the wedge between you. In my opinion.

She needs to step up and work on her marriage, because her friend is getting the best of her and you are left with the rest. You said that you don't believe that she would want a divorce, once counseling starts and you are gaining your own two feet again she will notice. (without your need to give an ultimatum.)

[dragospruce]

My personal advice would be no.

I don't think that any good will come of confronting him about the situation. It is your wife's situation to handle and if you can't get her support in the problem, seeking him out will not give an gratification or solution. In fact, when (because we both know it will) it gets back to your wife that you went behind her and did that, it will further drive the wedge between you. IMHO.

She needs to step up and work on her marriage, because her friend is getting the best of her and you are left with the rest. You said that you don't believe that she would want a divorce, once counseling starts and you are gaining your own two feet again she will notice. (without your need to give an ultimatum.)

Your right. It might help me to vent my frustrations. I know it would help me to just “beat the @*%$ out of him”. But I have no desire to go to jail. In the end no problems would be solved and it would make matters worse with my wife. I just feel so helpless at this point. I guess I need to accept the fact that my wife has to want to change her behaviors.

[Rich11111]

Another big problem I see here is that you say you have only met him a few times and have always been polite so therefore his entire opinion of you must be based on what your wife tells him,. And he hates you.
Your wife constantly bad-mouth's you to this man and must be completely oblivious to the fact she does this or for some reason she wants this man to hate you.

This doesn't prove anything but from this "best friends" point of view, it is a lot easier to be in a relationship with a married women if you think she has a terrible husband.

[DoulaLC]

I hope you find some support in the counseling. As others have said, your wife has checked out of the marriage. She knows how you feel, knows your relationship is at risk, and yet she continues. She has shown you what she thinks of your concerns. She has put her desires and this other man's wishes ahead of you and your marriage.

IF your marriage was as important to her as it is to you she would do all that she can to alleviate your concerns, not continue to do the very action that she knows causes you upset, worry, and heartache. That is not a marriage.

Maybe it has been going on so long she thinks you are just blowing smoke and won't actually take a stand.

You can try to learn to live with it, try to convince her, again, that this is not acceptable to you and hope she will finally see the light, or cut your losses and separate.

If the tables were turned, would your wife put up with you spending large sums of money to support another woman and spending much of your free time with her? Only you will be able to decide what you can and can't accept and how long it will take before you make a move one way or another. I wish you well.

[talaniman]

I feel you have no choice, but to force her to spend her money on a lawyer, and get the heck out of this situation completely. Its gone on far to long.

See a lawyer, and get some advice, and leave her until she makes a decision, or signs the papers.

No way do you tolerate someone who puts someone else before you. I feel for your daughter but your wife's behavior is thoroughly UNACCEPTABLE, and way out of bounds.

Honestly, So is yours. I would have been LONG GONE, but that's just me as I have trouble wrapping my head around sharing that much of my female with any one, or being disrespected right to my face.

I feel your misery, but you have some very tough decisions to make, and I think she doesn't care what you do!

[dragospruce]

Another big problem i see here is that you say you have only met him a few times and have always been polite so therefore his entire opinion of you must be based on what your wife tells him, ..... And he hates you.
Your wife constantly bad-mouth's you to this man and must be completely oblivious to the fact she does this or for some reason she wants this man to hate you.

This doesn't prove anything but from this "best friends" point of view, it is a lot easier to be in a relationship with a married women if you think she has a terrible husband.

Thank you. What you wrote is one of the conversations I had with my wife’s family member. I guess that she bad mouths me to her friend to justify her relationship with him. Anything I say gets distorted to make it sound like I’m the bad guy set out to destroy their “friendship”. I know that’s what my wife thinks. Although I have only expressed that it is not right to give her friend all that money every month. And that I am not comfortable with her being so close to another man.

[dragospruce]

I hope you find some support in the counseling. As others have said, your wife has checked out of the marriage. She knows how you feel, knows your relationship is at risk, and yet she continues. She has shown you what she thinks of your concerns. She has put her desires and this other man's wishes ahead of you and your marriage.

IF your marriage was as important to her as it is to you she would do all that she can to alleviate your concerns, not continue to do the very action that she knows causes you upset, worry, and heartache. That is not a marriage.

Maybe it has been going on so long she thinks you are just blowing smoke and won't actually take a stand.

You can try to learn to live with it, try to convince her, again, that this is not acceptable to you and hope she will finally see the light, or cut your losses and seperate.

If the tables were turned, would your wife put up with you spending large sums of money to support another woman and spending much of your free time with her?? Only you will be able to decide what you can and can't accept and how long it will take before you make a move one way or another. I wish you well.

Thank you. I think my wife wants the best of both worlds. I’m the primary financial support. With me she comes home to a nice house. See our daughter. I’m the cook of the house; so she gets served breakfast/lunch/dinner (unless she is out with her friend). Nice family vacations. I guess with her friend it’s the fun (skating and biking). Lunches and dinners and obviously bashing me over some statement I made about her friend. And of course whatever emotional satisfaction she gets with being with him and financially supporting him.

[dragospruce]

I feel you have no choice, but to force her to spend her money on a lawyer, and get the heck out of this situation completely. Its gone on far to long.

See a lawyer, and get some advice, and leave her until she makes a decision, or signs the papers.

No way do you tolerate someone who puts someone else before you. I feel for your daughter but your wifes behavior is thoroughly UNACCEPTABLE, and way out of bounds.

Honestly, So is yours. I would have been LONG GONE, but thats just me as I have trouble wrapping my head around sharing that much of my female with any one, or being disrespected right to my face.

I feel your misery, but you have some very tough decisions to make, and I think she doesn't care what you do!

Thank you. Part of the reason I’ve stayed on is my daughter. She starts high school in the fall and I know it’s hard enough just being a teenager without having to deal with her parents splitting up. My daughter knows some of what is going on. My wife has told her that her “dad is paranoid” and that I think that “mom and her friend are having an affair”. I don’t say anything about it to my daughter. It’s just not right. Also I think part of it is fear on my part. This is my first marriage and we have been married so long that it’s hard to think about it any other way. Also, (and I know this is stupid) but I feel like if we separate or get a divorce and her and her friend move in together or get married, then somehow he wins. He gets what he wanted. I lose. I know that is irrational thinking.