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talaniman · Dec 16, 2008, 10:17 PM

Until you know what's up why all these wild thoughts and speculations? I know your worried but relax, breath.

Lovelee · Dec 17, 2008, 11:38 AM

This morning he calls my cellphone but I was asleep. I called him back and he told me that he didn't get what he wanted and ended up overnighting in a hotel and that he didn't have access to a phone. So I got bothered by this and told him that I don't believe him. He of course got angry and told me that I am overreacting. He says I am looking for a reason to break up with him and swore up and down that what he said happened was true but I'm having a hard time buying any of it. My therapist told me to calm down and not to be so confrontational but it's very hard for me not to be. I'm a strong believer in tough love so this is killing me not knowing if he is telling the truth or not.

kctiger · Dec 17, 2008, 11:46 AM

What Hotel did he end up at that doesn't have a phone? Not trying to contribute to your overreacting, but let's be honest...

Lovelee · Dec 17, 2008, 11:50 AM

EXCATLY! This is the load of crap he is trying to feed me and I'm supposed to be gullible enough to buy it.

Ber Rabbit · Dec 17, 2008, 11:53 AM

If you cannot trust him in your heart why do you stay? Throwing accusations only makes things worse. When you believe the worst that's what you will get. You need to apologize for acting a little psycho--tell him you were worried sick, after all he could have been in an accident. Continuing to behave in the manner you have chosen is going to drive him away from you. You need to open the lines of communication and let him know how you feel without using an accusatory tone.

A relationship without communication and trust is no relationship at all.
Ber

Lovelee · Dec 17, 2008, 12:02 PM

Originally Posted by Ber Rabbit

If you cannot trust him in your heart why do you stay? Throwing accusations only makes things worse. When you believe the worst that's what you will get. You need to apologize for acting a little psycho--tell him you were worried sick, after all he could have been in an accident. Continuing to behave in the manner you have chosen is going to drive him away from you. You need to open the lines of communication and let him know how you feel without using an accusatory tone.

A relationship without communication and trust is no relationship at all.
Ber

I stay because I love him and never had a reason to distrust him in the past. I wasn't psycho by the way I just want to make sure I'm not being taken for a fool. Why do I stay with him? Well just before he left I told him that things aren't working out between us but he refused to accept it. I'm really trying here but he knows that things weren't too good before this incident and it just made matters worse.

talaniman · Dec 17, 2008, 01:20 PM

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

I am trying to figure out what your both holding onto in this short, stormy relationship??

I bet its intense all the time, good or bad!!

lilwhitejeep · Dec 17, 2008, 01:48 PM

If you have to wonder then he is not showing you the love and respect you should have in a fulfilling relationship. MOVE ON... All hotels have phones, and if you just had the (it's not working out) conversation, then he should have made a point of getting in touch with you. MOVE ON!!

Saibasu · Dec 17, 2008, 02:02 PM

Trust is key. Even if he isn't doing anything wrong, you have to ask yourself, do I trust him. Forget What your upset about now. Think of everything you have been through, all the times this may have happened, everything! Even if a lie detector test proved he is telling the truth, would you be able to trust him in the future about all of this, If you can't trust him, and believe in your heart you cant, then maybe you should let him go as to not drive yourself crazy with worry and hurt him. Think abou tlater on, will this happen again? Will I be worried like this in the future? If the answer is yes, then there are something's you may want to reconsider.

450donn · Dec 17, 2008, 03:16 PM

Maybe you need to move out and move on with your life. From your posts so far I see nothing positive coming out of this relationship except more of the same.

Lovelee · Jan 5, 2009, 10:00 AM

Every time we argue my boyfriend brings up my past relationships. How they were not real men, and how they didn't love me the way he does. The very funny part about this is I never once spoke to him on any of my exes. He would ask questions but I don't give him any information whatsoever. All he knows is that exes exist. Yet he keeps telling me about how awful they were. One time I told him that he doesn't even know them so stop talking about them. Then he got defensive and told me that I am defending them. I'm not, I just think he should talk things that he knows. I don't talk or assume I know about his exes nor do I really care, he is with me and that's all that matters.

I don't give him any ammunition to use against me, so I don't talk about any past relationships to any boyfriend! I don't think he should talk about someone he doesn't have a clue about its just nonsense. My ex boyfriend happens to be one of the nicest men I've ever met, it just didn't work out, we even ended on good terms and I know he loved me and probably still does so my current boyfriend has no right to bad talk people he doesn't know its annoying me and he is only making himself look bad.

Question is, how do I shut him up about it already?

NorthernNiceGuy · Jan 5, 2009, 10:10 AM

Have you told him what you just wrote to us... Telling him that this behavior annoys you and is pushes you away could be a deterrent...

MsMewiththat · Jan 5, 2009, 10:18 AM

I think your approach to exes is the health one. It doesn't make sense to compare to other people or say that they were the problem in the relationship. Next time he brings them up rather than argue in their defense would it work to thank him for the vote of confidence. To say that they are awful makes them the reason the relationship didn't work not you. I wonder what his response would be then?

kctiger · Jan 5, 2009, 10:18 AM

He seems way too insecure for his own good. He uses your ex boyfriends as a justification to make himself feel better. Northern is also absolutely correct... communicate with him and tell him how you feel, otherwise he will keep pushing and pushing.

ZoeMarie · Jan 5, 2009, 10:19 AM

I don't know what kind of arguments you guys have, but do your past relationships even relate to the arguments? If he brings this stuff up out of nowhere, maybe there's something bothering him.

KertAllikvee · Jan 5, 2009, 10:28 AM

Well... I guess that his point is that he cares about you the most and he doesn`t want to lose you... Maybe there is something bothering him, I really don`t have much information about it.. he might even be a little jealous.. But my guess is that he wants to let you know how much he loves you =)

Lovelee · Jan 5, 2009, 10:32 AM

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

I don't know what kind of arguments you guys have, but do your past relationships even relate to the arguments? If he brings this stuff up out of nowhere, maybe there's something bothering him.

No, they don't really relate to what we argue about.

kctiger · Jan 5, 2009, 10:34 AM

Are you his first real girlfriend? I make it a point not to talk about or bring up someone's ex if I date them... just seems in poor taste to me.

Lovelee · Jan 5, 2009, 10:45 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

Are you his first real girlfriend? I make it a point not to talk about or bring up someone's ex if I date them...just seems in poor taste to me.

No way, he has had many relationships, I'm in my early thirties he's in his late thirties. He does however have major trust issues because he has been hurt badly in the past. But who hasn't, we all bounce back and become better (well most of us anyway). But I don't know why he would keep bringing up something he knows nothing about.

JBeaucaire · Jan 5, 2009, 10:55 AM

You're not dating this guy to find the stuff he needs to get better on. You're dating this guy to identify the reasons you two aren't compatible. In most cases those reasons exist. At your ages, especially his, the reasons you identify are almost 100% guaranteed to be permanent.

I don't mean to sound cynical, I am a firm believer in committed people being able to succeed. But I'm also pragmatic.

You're here posting on the internet because this is probably pretty severe. You KNOW already this is HIM. This is what you get with him. I'm not saying he's not awesome in other ways, but in this area of trust and verbal attacking during arguments, THIS IS WHAT HE IS.

Having said that, he might get over it, but only if those behaviors cost him something. Guys don't learn emotional stuff any other way, for the most part. We learn through loss.

If his inability to control his mouth during arguments caused you look at him, walk over and give him a hug, wish him well, then walk out the door... he MIGHT get it then. Of course, as soon as you come back, he'll unlearn it. So the COST, the LOSS, needs to be real if there's any chance he'll get better.

That means most of the time you're breaking up with a guy to help the NEXT girl have a better guy, but who know, you two might find a different path.

Anyway, simplest of all will be calm honesty on your part. You need to be OK with this guy exactly the way he is. Otherwise you're just making each other miserable for no reason. There needs to be significant reasons to put up with this behavior, because it's mostly going to stay the same.

If those reasons exist, you'll just need to come up with effective ways to ignore his dark side.

If you opt to stick it out, it wouldn't hurt to tell HIM this whole internal debate has gone on. Let him know (CALMLY) you find his childish references to your past idiotic, but not reason enough to toss him out, which was a real consideration. Suggest maybe he not look for ways to rekindle this debate in your mind again, since you do love him.