[Princess J]

I'm beginning to think I'm not normal, or the average human being. I watched a show that spoke about "open marriages" and fantasizing.. and I was floored! First I would like to say that's NUTZ.. but what really gets me is fantasizing about others while making love to your partner. I can honestly say that I've never thought about others while being intimate, and it bothers me to think that its normal to do so! How could someone do that to another? It makes me want to spend my life alone to spare the heartache of knowing my man could be thinking of someone else while INSIDE of me! Is it wrong for me to be bothered by that? Because apparently the rest of the world thinks its normal. Is it really normal or an excuse to fulfill ones own selfish need. Our society is so sex saturated its as if that's the ONLY purpose in life.. to bust a nut! And if it can't be with say Jessica simpson... well I can pretend my wife is her! K.. to me that's wrong! The more I think about it the more frustrated I get! Back to open marriages.. its all about people who can't commit and who have trouble with manogomy! So why get married? And furthermore I feel that if u have to fantasize about another while making love u should get out of that relationship and be with someone who always does it for you.. it is possible to remain faithful both phys. And mentally.. I can. But I guess I'm not. Normal though! Anyone else feel like that? Or could someone school me on this issue please..

[JudyKayTee]

As far as what is normal and what is not, I don't think there's a set standard. Obviously an open marriage is normal for some people and not others.

And I think everyone fantasizes at some point in a relationship - and if both parties agree to act on the fantasy, I don't judge.

Does your opinion here having anything to do with your concerns about whether your husband is faithful? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ml#post2035052

I see this as a reflection of your own insecurities, not a problem on the part of anyone else.

[talaniman]

I'm not for open marriages at all, but fantasies are normal, whether in the sex act or not, when they invade your reality is when problems start, and who has time to ask what's on their partners mind, in the middle of knocking boots?

Frankly though, your thoughts are your own, aren't they and should be respected.

Bottom line is you can't control the thoughts of another, nor should you, nor place your own abilities or beliefs, on someone else, who may think differently. Even if your married to them.

Put simply, like all good men, making a big deal out of this, would only get his agreement, to make you feel better but he would never own up to fantasizing about someone else when he is having sex with you. And you would never know if he was lying or not, would you? It's a useless battle to me.

[Synnen]

I find it absolutely amazing and interesting that the people that speak out the LOUDEST against open marriages, polyamory, and fantasies (even fantasies like porn or romance novels) are the ones that are ALREADY insecure.

I've been with my husband for 13 years, married for 8 of those years. We BOTH fantasize all the time.

I have a friend who got married a year before I did, and is in a polyamorous relationship with her husband and another man. It works for THEM.

Hey--what people do in THEIR bedroom is none of anyone else's business. So it doesn't work for YOU--don't do it then! The problem comes up when people are not HONEST about what they want with their partners. If you can't TALK about what you want and fantasize about with your partner, then you shouldnt' be having sex with that person.

By the way---fantasies aren't always thinking of another person. I mean seriously--don't you masturbate? Do you think of NOTHING when you do? My favorite fantasy is my husband setting up a bath with bubbles and rose petals for me, with a glass of wine and candles lit, and music playing--and while I'm taking a bath, he's setting up the bedroom. He dries me off, and things get hot and heavy from there. Heck, if you read romance novels, you fantasize about sex and romance all the time!

YOUR problem is your insecurities in your marriage, not that some people (and NORMAL people!) fantasize in the bedroom.

[JudyKayTee]

By the way---fantasies aren't always thinking of another person. I mean seriously--don't you masturbate? Do you think of NOTHING when you do? My favorite fantasy is my husband setting up a bath with bubbles and rose petals for me, with a glass of wine and candles lit, and music playing--and while I'm taking a bath, he's setting up the bedroom. He dries me off, and things get hot and heavy from there. Heck, if you read romance novels, you fantasize about sex and romance all the time!

YOUR problem is your insecurities in your marriage, not that some people (and NORMAL people!) fantasize in the bedroom.

How odd - my favorite fantasy is also having your husband set up a bath for me... and so forth. :D

[Synnen]

How odd - my favorite fantasy is also having your husband set up a bath for me ... and so forth. :D

Hey, he's good at setting up baths... and so forth. I can't blame other women for dreaming about him!

[Cat1864]

I will say that for I have nothing against individuals in a marriage that have sat down and decided together what the boundaries of their marriage are. That is their marriage and their decision. I don't want them poking their noses into my relationship so why should I poke mine into their's.

Note that I said 'together'. There is a huge difference between two consenting adults working as partners and making an informed choice about their lifestyle and either one or both of them without consulting the other person getting into a relationship (even a one-night stand) outside of the union. Cheating is cheating.

Fantasy is a wonderful thing. It can keep a marriage from going 'stale'. It is truly getting your entire being into the act especially if you share your fantasies with your mate.

I have said before and I will say it again. Some of my favorite 'fantasies' are memories of things we have done. It might seem strange to some, but my husband is the only person that I fantasize about and that is because he is what I want in a lover. However, I do fantasize about things that are not feasible in reality.

[Princess J]

Hit the nail on the head. I am indeed insecure! Yes, I do masturbate! My favorite thing to muse upon is my husband comes in the room behind me and slowly undoes my pants and bends me over!I daydream of how sexy his lips are.. mmm mmm GOOD! I just simply don't understand that frame of mind. I was sexually abused as a child. It came over on the boat many generations ago. So my ideas and perceptions on issues about sex are touchy I guess. I fantasize about my man on a daily basis.. he's a very giving lover( thorough!) we share fantasies all the time, but its about us! I would personally feel horrible if I was thinking of another during sex that I wouldn't be able to perform.Call me old fashioned, ignorant or whatever! That's my angle and I'm sticking to it! I'm sorry to have offended people.. my bad.I tend to do that.

[JudyKayTee]

Hit the nail on the head. I am indeed insecure! Yes, I do masturbate! My favorite thing to muse upon is my husband comes in the room behind me and slowly undoes my pants and bends me over!I daydream of how sexy his lips are..mmm mmm GOOD! I just simply don't understand that frame of mind. I was sexually abused as a child. It came over on the boat many generations ago. So my ideas and perceptions on issues about sex are touchy I guess. I fantasize about my man on a daily basis..he's a very giving lover( thorough!) we share fantasies all the time, but its about us! I would personally feel horrible if I was thinking of another during sex that I wouldn't be able to perform.Call me old fashioned, ignorant or whatever! That's my angle and I'm sticking to it!! I'm sorry to have offended people..my bad.I tend to do that.

Again, I'm not sure he is sharing his every fantasy with you - if you press him about his fantasies and they don't involve you, he certainly isn't going to tell you about it.

I don't think you're old fashioned, ignorant or whatever - I do think you are judgmental. I don't know why it matters what other people do if you are happy with what's going on in your bedroom. I would suggest based on other info that you have posted that you are not.

And I'll ask again - is this thread in any way connected with this thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ml#post2035052

[Princess J]

The issues we had in the bedroom were in the last 2 months of my pregnancy. I was way to tired and sore to! And when I didn't show interest he would get angry and paranoid. We usually had sex 3-4x a week. We never went a week without(.even when we had our son we were sexually active in the 1st week.) he took it wrong and began to withhold himself from me.and when we did have sex it was short and cold. Not close and there was no connection there at all. So ib turn I to became paranoid that he was connecting with someone else.. be it emotionally or otherwise. Things just didn't feel right.as for the rest of the time we've had great sex.I was married once before for 8 years and we weren't as relaxed and expiramental as my current husband and I've been with for 4 yrs.Any how maybe on some level the frustration stems from these issues.

[JudyKayTee]

Have you thought about sitting down with your husband and explaining to him the way you've explained this to me? It makes perfect sense, you're open and honest about how/why you feel the way you do. Would he sit and talk with you?

[Princess J]

We have talked about that.As a result of those months I have become hard on the surface learned a lot about myself returned to being my old teenage, defensive,irrational... and HoRmoNaL ways!I think me and my husband are pros when it comes to pushing people away at the worst of times!I've also noticed how we both get needy after good sex. Can't quite figure that out.. fear, maybe? Those few months were brutal to us both like we lost each other there in that time and left each other out on an emotional limb... now were afraid of being let down again so we are hesitant.. thus the distance its time we sit and talk about these fears again because its clear we still are suffering from them. Thank you judykaytee! It was connected!

[JudyKayTee]

I admire your honesty and clear eyes when you look at your situation. Wish I had advice but I think I've given all I have.

Please keep us informed - ?