[seeker2]

If 2 people are going through somewhat Mid Life crisis together and they have their own issues, Do you think they will be strong enough to end up with one another when things are resolved? My boyfriend and I both agree that the other makes us the happiest we have ever been in our life. We both are unhappy with the first part of our life and feel like it was wasted. I know my uneasiness is with financial and career. I believe his is very much the same. We both had a horrible marriage in the past and appreciate what we have with one another. We both have low self esteem. I think that mine is worse than his. I worry that I may not be good enough for him. I am a worrier and wish there was a way to just stop. I don't want to lose the personal happiness that took me nearly 38 years to find. I don't mean to sound as if I am selfish, because I would give the shirt off my back for just anyone. I put myself last for the needs and wants of others even if it means putting off what I really want. I just want happiness and security in my life something I knew nothing about until I met my boyfriend, and now with us both going through our crisis, I am afraid the security isn't there as strong as I thought it was. I know there are no guarantees in life. Just need to hear others opinions on this.

[Ace High]

Seeker,

The fact that you are posting means you and your partner have questions about the future. Sounds like you both have been bitten in the past and are being cautious about the future. Your statement " I don't want to lose the personal happiness that took me nearly 38 years to find" indicates that you are worried about "something". Sounds like you have found a personal level of happiness just for yourself therefore you must be questioning whether he can bring the needed assurances to fill your need for a happy relationship. Your statement " I know my uneasiness is with financial and career" seems to indicate that you do not trust whether he will bring to you the financial security that all relationships need. You did not mention how old your relationship is so it is hard to question a persons financial reliability unless you can track that info for a while. By the time a person reaches "mid-life" they should pretty much have established their habits in life. Do they pay their bills on time? Do they maintain a vehicle? Do they respect you? Do they respect their job obligations? All the things that you would expect in grown adult behavior. Financial responsibility, family responsibility, taking care of any kids, and all the other things that make a person reliable. Basically, is this a person you would want for a partner in life?? --- Ace

[scotchtape]

Hi, seeker. I'm only in my 20s, but I have seen my parents go through something similar and just wanted to give you my opinion. I hope that it helps in some way.

Finances and careers seem to be the sore spots for you. Money is money, and that is all; it is not love or happiness. Yes, of course you need money to live and it does need to be on your priorites list, but not at the top. Money cannot make you happy. Again, yes, you can buy things to amuse yourself momentarily, but in the long run, it's not going to be fruitful like a relationship and love are. I think what you need to do is sit down with your boyfriend and vow never to be upset with the other over passing things such as cash.

As for careers, you just need to do what you want to with it. If you are unhappy with what you are doing, CHANGE IT. You only get one life to live. There is no point in being miserable when there is something you can do about it, and switching jobs 'ain't no thang'. Be supportive with each other's careers. Attend business parties and award banquets with each other. Even if you think their choice is ridiculous beyond anything, their job is their job, and yours is yours. Just make sure they know you support them and are cheering them on.

Now, as for the worrying part, and the putting others before you part, you sound like me! Talk with someone about the worrying. Get out in the open what you are afraid of so that your mind can be put to rest because more often than not, you've built things up in your head to be WAY off from what they actually are or ever could be. I know - easier said than done, right? (I know it is for me, anyway! ><) I also put others before me in regard to happiness. There's just one thing you've got to remember about that - YOU are the only one who knows what makes you happy and YOU are the only one that's going to make yourself happy - so do it.

Hopefully that was someone on topic with what you wanted people's opinions on. Sometimes, I ramble...

[seeker2]

Thank you for your opinions. Ace. We have been living with one another for 2 years. Money, I am not worried that he can provide. He worries that, but my concerns are the debts that I had when I came in. I worry about how I can resolve these faster so I can help more than I am now. He works two jobs and I feel guilty that he works so hard. He does work less hours since I have moved in. We both care for one another's children. It's been challenging at times but all worth it. One of the things I love so much about him is how caring he is. Yes, I do feel he makes me happy and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Thank you!! Thank you for letting me think this out more. I guess I was worried that when he completes his mid life crisis that he will not want me. (low self-esteem showing through) What I think I need to do is put my concerns with my life aside and be there for him. Support him. He has been the only person that I can rely on and be there for me regardless. I need to be stronger for him.

Seeker,

Sounds like you have found a personal level of happiness just for yourself therefore you must be questioning whether he can bring the needed assurances to fill your need for a happy relationship. --- Ace

Ace,

I found this interesting. Please explain more please. I am very inquisitive with this comment. Thank you.

[Ace High]

Seeker,
You had posted the following: "I don't want to lose the personal happiness that took me nearly 38 years to find. I don't mean to sound as if I am selfish" It sounded like you had to work hard to get to a certain level in your life that you felt okay with "yourself". Now you are having to comtemplate throwing all that you have earned into a relationship again. It will be scary to release what you have worked so hard to get on your own and start to share with another person again. Trust has got to be the hardest thing to replace once it has been stepped on in a past relationship. Material things come and go but emotional feelings are the ones that really matter. Feelings are the hardest things to overcome and fix. ---- Ace

[Skell]

I think maybe it is about time that you became selfish and stop putting others first.
Put yourself first and your happiness.

If you don't do this and give yourself the best possible shot at being happy then you can't complain when you aren't happy.

Does that make sense.

You say you always put others first and never look after your own well being. Well of course you aren't going to be happy. Do you like the misery? Im sure you don't.

Well stop it. Give yourself the best possible chance at happiness. And if that involves being a little selfish and putting yourself before others then that's what it takes. Too bad.

Until you do as such then you won't be happy and probably don't deserve it because you haven't really tried.

Don't meant to sound harsh. But you have a few options. Continue to worry about the past (which I might add can't be changed). You can also worry about the future and continue down the same path you are headed now. Miserable and alone because of your own self esteem issues. Or you can face the future head on, jump into it and make up for lost time and enjoy what life you have left.

The ball is in your court. Which path do you want to take.

I know which one I would!

Good luck!

[seeker2]

Seeker,
You had posted the following: "I don't want to lose the personal happiness that took me nearly 38 years to find. I don't mean to sound as if I am selfish" It sounded like you had to work hard to get to a certain level in your life that you felt okay with "yourself". Now you are having to comtemplate throwing all that you have earned into a relationship again. It will be scary to release what you have worked so hard to get on your own and start to share with another person again. Trust has got to be the hardest thing to replace once it has been stepped on in a past relationship. Material things come and go but emotional feelings are the ones that really matter. Feelings are the hardest things to overcome and fix. ---- Ace

That is exactly how I feel! I am so scared, but I don't want to lose him because he is worth every effort. He has never given me any reason not to trust him. He did blind side me by last month he brought up us marrying one another next summer and then 2 weeks later stating he's not sure if he wants to marry anyone that he is confused where is life is going, however he does know he loves me and wants to be with me the rest of his life and that is why I am scared all over again. Thank you!

[talaniman]

If your both insecure, you really need to work on that as individuals and as a couple. It explains his actions to get married and then back off and your reaction to as you put it being blindsided by his action. You're both scared and I feel for you both. I think you both need to get over your past so you can move forward. You both need to get over the fears and insecurities... and move forward. As for the midlife crisis, Get married .Buy a red sports car, tour the country (thats what the wife and I did) Getting married is the real fear here isn't it? I think you would love to get married so tell him.

[valinors_sorrow]

In addition to some great advise you have received here, I would only add this: The thing is to recognise that the worst case scenario is a survivable event, since you both have survived it already. You can take actions to make any future unhappiness end, should it come to that - you have proved you have the skills. Once you realise that, then perhaps you can take the spotlight off this relationship which you definitely need to do pronto. No relationship on earth will stand up to the hyper-critical viewing you are doing to it. You are both human beings who need some slack!

You could also do better time management too in recognising that the past IS past and this is now and its different. Chant "That was then, this is now!" as often as necessary to keep that baggage where it belongs.