[flameofblades]

My ex and I had communicated for a week or so through text. My girlfriend caught me and read the text messages. She is highly upset with me and is not reasoning with me about possible solutions. I am trying to reach a mature, positive solution with the ordeal but she just wants to shut me away. I have always had problems with her immaturity and inability to effectively communicate, rather than reason and speak, she yells at me like I am a child or shuts off completely and the very reason I talked to my ex is in order to escape from the stress and drama of my normal life. The ex was merely an object of escape for me, not temptation or anything of the sort. My GF will not listen to this or try to understand. Should I just end it once and for all? Or fight for her and possibly deal with her inability to talk through our problems like an adult?

[Alty]

If you can't communicate then you don't have a relationship.

Sit down with her, tell her that you're tired of always being yelled at and treated like a child. Also explain why you were talking to the ex.

If she can't trust you and you can't talk to each other then it's best to end it, IMO.

[flameofblades]

Thank you for your reply. Also, she lied and hid the same type of thing from me a few years back. We were much younger then and I handled it in an immature way. Now that I am the cause of the dillema I was hoping to take this down a more mature road but she refuses to do so.

[ohsohappy]

Here's the thing. If you're not happy in the relationship than leave. You seem to think that she's the one doing ALL the wrong here, but from what I read, you underplay her feelings, and she overplays them.
She might not deal with things the way you think that she should, but like you said in the subject, she CAUGHT YOU LYING! What girlfriend wouldn't be pissed. I'd throw a fit too if I couldn't trust my boyfriend. You clearly never told her abou tit in the first place, so how does she know that things really haven't been going on?


If you REALLY think she's being a child, then maybe you guys really aren't meant to be in a relationship, but you have to see both sides. You act like you did nothing wrong, but you did by lying to her. Don't maike it sound like she's the only one to blame now because she's not willing to listen to you.

Once again, you LIED to her, you said it yourself. You've shown her that you can't be trusted, so please don't act like she's the only one to blame.

I'm not trying to bash on just you or anything, I'm just trying to point out the other side of the story.

Would you trust her if you found out that she had been talking to her ex behind your back, and having to go through her messages to find out?

And WHY was she going through your messages? Have you given her reason before to be suspicious because you've done something untrustworthy?

What kind of relationship do you think you'd be in if you were the one going gthrouhg her phone? Would you have to go through it if you trusted her?
I doubt it.

Just think of both sides and tell me what you've got. I'm just trying to level the field here. Usually here we only just get only one side of the story or only parts of both.

[talaniman]

Well you didn't learn from the past, so it wasn't very mature of you to even get in that position again. You went behind her back, so now your going to pay for every mistake you ever made. Know that. Leave her alone as right now, she doesn't want to hear anything you have to say, and no amount of mature will change that.

[emopunk7]

Dude... I had a little problem with trust in certain areas such as my girlfriend going to a bar or club alone. I decided to attack my issue and when she brought up going to a club with her fam and friends I said I don't have a problem with it and I let it go. Yet another time (a few weeks later), her knowing I'm dealing with my issues, she decides to say she is going to sleep but yet she was out hanging out. She lied while I was working sooo hard for our relationship because I loved her so much. I did everything to make her happy. I thought we were fine until this happened which was the third time. I made the mistake of paying her back the same way because I couldn't dump her so I guess it was easier for her to make the call... Cowardness on my part but the point was she betrayed me and I couldn't have trusted her again. Mind you she was veryy jealous so this confuses me how she could do what she would hate for me to do. I never did anything like this to her. Go figure.
So she is hurt and it sucks but in your next relationship don't do it. I did the same thing the first time together. Things will get better with... someone else!

[flameofblades]

Thanks ohsohappy, you have put things into perspective. I did lie and I do deserve the worst. At the same time, I still do not have complete trust in who she is either. She has lied to me a number of times and ruined my trust in her throughout the relationship. Only once did the lie involve another guy but they were lies nonetheless. She has every right to be upset with me, but I hate the way she says in one minute she wants to forgive me but in the next moment she doesn't want to say a word to me. But, perhaps her emotions are playing with her head. I can understand as for I was in that very situation in the past. And yes, I absolutely did not learn from her mistake because I did the same thing. I don't know if that makes this worse or not but it seems like it. I only expect an ounce of understanding because she has put me through this before, but now that I have done it to her it seems like the end of the world to her. And in conclusion, at this point, neither of us trust each other any more.

[talaniman]

Regaining trust takes a long time to get over, and reconcile. This may not be worth it, looking ahead. Leave her alone to let the dust settle, so she can process her feelings, and make a decision for herself. That will give you a chance to do the same, and give you both the space you need. Believe me when I say you both need space from each other, as you can't even talk beyond your own feelings for each other. Which are not that great at this time.

Communications is impossible under those conditions.

[ohsohappy]

Thanks ohsohappy, you have put things into perspective. I did lie and I do deserve the worst. At the same time, I still do not have complete trust in who she is either. She has lied to me a number of times and ruined my trust in her throughout the relationship. Only once did the lie involve another guy but they were lies nonetheless. She has every right to be upset with me, but I hate the way she says in one minute she wants to forgive me but in the next moment she doesnt want to say a word to me. But, perhaps her emotions are playing with her head. I can understand as for I was in that very situation in the past. And yes, I absolutely did not learn from her mistake because I did the same thing. I dont know if that makes this worse or not but it seems like it. I only expect an ounce of understanding because she has put me through this before, but now that I have done it to her it seems like the end of the world to her. And in conclusion, at this point, neither of us trust each other any more.

Well, I'm glad I could shine another light on it.
I'm not going to say 100% break up with her, but if there is absolutely no communication, then it's probably best. If you can afford it, I'd suggest counceling so that the two of you can try to work on your trust and communication issues. My boyfriend and I had trust issues for a long time, but we've been managing to work them out fairly well.
Emotions can, and sometimes will strongly effect the way someone behaves in a given situation. And when someone is feeling hurt, betrayed or angry, it's easy for them to lose themselves to their emotions. All relationships require constant work. People change all the time, and if you plan to keep the relationship, you have to keep learning about each other so that the relationship can grow and change with it.
I hope everything works out. Unfortunately, like you said, you did not learn from her past mistakes, but hopefully you have learned from yours.

[makapuu]

I was suspicious of all of my boyfriends ex's, and jealous and upset when he would "meet up with them" when I wasn't around. But then I got a call from my ex and now the glaring eyes are on me. I think ex's have a purpose in life... they mess up your box of chocolates.