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2ndTime · Oct 26, 2009, 03:51 PM

I've been dating more than 5 yrs. My boyfriend and I both came out of extremely bad relationship and I think that this is preventing both of us from getting married right away. I also think that my future sister-in-law is trying to sabotage our relationship by telling him and me every little thing about what my future father-in-law thinks about our relationship. In the beginning they all welcomed me with opened arm or so it seemed, but for 2nd time he will be visiting them alone for holidays. I even got a 2 for 1 airline ticket certificate, but they are making all kinds of excuse not to accept me there. He says that this is to save money for them, yet he has enough money to take us on a mini vacation every now and than. I have a borderline diabetes and 38 and not in the mood for looking around for other relationship. I also admit that my families are not welling to fully accept my boyfriend into out family until we are married (asian family culture). I am sort of angry that he will be visiting his family by himself again, when he can scrap the mini vacation to take me to visit his family. I've no doubt that he doesn't cheat on me, but I am sort of getting tired of waiting to be asked for marriage. I tried to convince myself that I can wait as long as possible, but I am beginning to think that this relationship is sort of unhealthy.

s_cianci · Oct 26, 2009, 04:03 PM

I would agree that this is an unhealthy situation, if he can't even face his own family in your presence. And that creates a double-bind in that, by you never spending time with his family, it doesn't give you and them the chance to get to know each other and hopefully eventually warm up to each other. I'd have a serious discussion with him about all of this and find out exactly what he's willing to do to make this work.

I wish · Oct 26, 2009, 04:12 PM

Originally Posted by 2ndTime

I have a borderline diabetes and 38 and not in the mood for looking around for other relationship.

That might be true, but that's no reason for you to suffer in your current relationship. Relationships should be natural and happy. Your relationship seems forced and intoxicating.

I strongly suggest that you get some professional help, such as couples therapy. If you don't want to start all over, then YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND (it's not a one-way street) are going to have to work extremely hard to make this relationship work.

But if there's no progress after all your hard work, then you're going to have to reconsider this relationship. There's no reason for you to settle in a suffocating relationship. That's extremely unhealthy and you deserve better than that.

2ndTime · Oct 26, 2009, 04:21 PM

We actually planned to visit his family end of next year June, after my son graduates high school. We were going to drive down there. However, his sister told him that his mom is not well. He told me he spoke to her few days ago and she was fine. In addition, he talked to his nephew and his nephew confirmed that his mom seems to be all right. So he is suspicious that his sister is trying to pull a wool over him. I don't mind him going to see is ailing mom, but his sister lied to him before so both my boyfriend and I at first was thinking that we go along and visit them next year, but his mom is in her 80's so we both decided that he go and make sure she is fine. However, why can't I be little more understanding and accept this?

Jake2008 · Oct 26, 2009, 05:37 PM

Why don't you speak to her yourself? Maybe write her a letter and tell her how you are looking forward to seeing her again, or next June or whatever.

Keep HER in the loop with letters about your lives, and your son. Give her a different picture of you and her son, from what his sister is painting. If there is no communication except via third parties, then you will never establish a good relationship with her.

I don't think that either one of you should be taking separate vacations. You are a couple, and have been for a long time. For one of you to accept invitations without your partner is doing a disservice to the other, and naturally hard feelings will follow.

Just step up, talk to your boyfriend, see if he will agree to no separate vacations to his family, and you do the same with yours.

That way, if either of your families want to see you, they'll have to take both halves.

2ndTime · Oct 26, 2009, 05:45 PM

I'll probably speak to his family, once he is there during thanksgiving, while he is checking up on his mom. Usually, when I do get to talk to his sister, it's all about her problem with their father (future-father-in-law) or her problem with everyone else around her. Got to admit, there's not a good day for her. I usually am polite and try to sympathize with her, but sort of getting burned out by her never ending problem. I don't complain because it's not Christian like.

2ndTime · Oct 26, 2009, 05:47 PM

I am a pessimistic person myself, but my future-sister-in-law is beyond pessimistic.

Gemini54 · Oct 26, 2009, 06:29 PM

It sounds as if your desire for marriage and commitment is getting in the way of the relationship. Are you really happy and content with this guy, or are you with him because it's too difficult to be with anyone else and you want to be married? Does he feel the same or not?

After 5 years together I would have thought that you'd be his priority and that you would be visiting his family together. Anyway, it does sound as if you're going together and you don't see them very often, so smile politely at the sister, grin and bear it.

What requires more thought on your part, and what is really worrying you deep down is the future of your relationship. Perhaps it's time to talk to your BF about this issue and see where he stands.

2ndTime · Oct 26, 2009, 06:34 PM

No, I'll be talking to her over the phone during thanksgiving holiday, but will be seeing her next year after my son graduates high school. We'll be driving down there leisurely and without any pressure. But having experienced past face to face interaction, all she does is complain.

2ndTime · Nov 10, 2009, 03:05 PM

Better yet, maybe I shouldn't pick up his phone call. I don't think I want to be in the same situation again. Maybe his unwillingness to marriage maybe a sign that he doesn't want me to be close to his family. I am thinking if I don't pick up his phone, he may get the point and either break up with me or tied the knot finally.

Gemini54 · Nov 10, 2009, 05:10 PM

Originally Posted by 2ndTime

Better yet, maybe I shouldn't pick up his phone call. I don't think I want to be in the same situation again. Maybe his unwillingness to marriage maybe a sign that he doesn't want me to be close to his family. I am thinking if I don't pick up his phone, he may get the point and either break up with me or tied the knot finally.

Or, you could simply try picking up the phone and talking to him. You want him with you because he wants to be, not because you forced the issue.

Jake2008 · Nov 10, 2009, 07:51 PM

Gemini is onto something here.

If you are waiting for him to make a decision as to who is going to be in first place, it doesn't sound like it's going to be you.

Even if he does marry you, that will not generate any further respect for you that what they extend now, which is nothing.

You will be marrying into his family, and playing second fiddle.

Try to look at the big picture here, and all the players that are involved.

If he is unable, or unwilling to cut all those apron strings, I'd say the writing is on the wall on this one.

2ndTime · Nov 11, 2009, 09:50 PM

I agree with you Jake2008. I think I'll let this go this year and see what happens next year, since he at least agree that I can have an anniversary (dating years) ring.

Alty · Nov 11, 2009, 11:00 PM

Originally Posted by 2ndTime

I agree with you Jake2008. I think I'll let this go this year and see what happens next year, since he at least agree that I can have an anniversary (dating years) ring.

Is it all about the ring? Is that why you want marriage? So he's giving you an anniversary ring and now you'll let it all go.

You two have more problems then most married couples and yet you still want to get married.

It's time to talk to each other, figure out what you both want. Just because you've been together for 5 years doesn't mean you have to stay together if it's not working, and it doesn't sound like it's working.

Talk! That's one of the most important things in a relationship.

Gemini54 · Nov 11, 2009, 11:08 PM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Is it all about the ring? Is that why you want marriage? So he's giving you an anniversary ring and now you'll let it all go.

You two have more problems then most married couples and yet you still want to get married.

It's time to talk to eachother, figure out what you both want. Just because you've been together for 5 years doesn't mean you have to stay together if it's not working, and it doesn't sound like it's working.

Talk! That's one of the most important things in a relationship.

If a ring could improve relationships, how simple life would be.

2ndTime · Nov 12, 2009, 11:15 AM

No the ring itself doesn't solve my relationship problem, but it does signify that he is being serious about our relationship. In addition, since his mother is sick, I decided to be a little more understanding and be a little more patient. I do want his parents to be alive and well when we walk down the isle.

Alty · Nov 12, 2009, 08:56 PM

Originally Posted by 2ndTime

No the ring itself doesn't solve my relationship problem, but it does signify that he is being serious about our relationship. In addition, since his mother is sick, I decided to be a little more understanding and be a little more patient. I do want his parents to be alive and well when we walk down the isle.

A ring does not signify that he's being serious about your relationship, it's just a piece of jewelry, it amounts to nothing other then something pretty to show to your friends and family.

You two need to work out a whole lot of issues before you even consider walking down the aisle.

2ndTime · Nov 13, 2009, 01:17 PM

Altenweg, I don't have friends to show my rings to. No, the ring itself signifies the commitment we have for each other. It may not work for you, but it works for me. In addition, I'll be moving in with him after my son graduates. In my current living situation, being with him is much better than staying where I am and be miserable. My own family has been controlling me (what to eat, how I should look & talk), since I became a single parent with two children. In addition, my father is embarrassed that his 38 year old daughter is living with him. I am not a moocher. I have medical conditions, so I decided to just focus on my two children. Although my boyfriend didn't spread around money around like a sugar daddy, he was there for my kids up bringing, which is better their dad who sits in jail. My boyfriend and I, we've been together thick and thin, although we weren't married. We accepted each other's baggage. I just need to be little more understanding when it comes to his family, like he is understanding of my family. I am just anxious to be independent and away from my controlling family. My family makes me so depressed that it is also affecting my health. Although my medical condition may prevent me from acquiring a good job (and because of our bad economy), I will try my best to be independent. If we still love each other then, I'll count it as a blessing. If we decide to part, than I'll be independent and relying on myself for change.

2ndTime · Nov 18, 2009, 11:17 AM

Altenweg, I don't have friends to show my rings to. No, the ring itself signifies the commitment we have for each other. It may not work for you, but it works for me. In addition, I'll be moving in with him after my son graduates. In my current living situation, being with him is much better than staying where I am and be miserable. My own family has been controlling me (what to eat, how I should look & talk), since I became a single parent with two children. In addition, my father is embarrassed that his 38 year old daughter is living with him. I am not a moocher. I have medical conditions, so I decided to just focus on my two children. Although my boyfriend didn't spread around money around like a sugar daddy, he was there for my kids up bringing, which is better than their dad who sits in jail. My boyfriend and I, we've been together thick and thin, although we weren't married. We accepted each others' baggage. I just need to be little more understanding when it comes to his family, like he is understanding of my family. I am just anxious to be independent and away from my controlling family. My family makes me so depressed that it is also affecting my health. Although my medical condition may prevent me from acquiring a good job (and because of the bad economy), I will try my best to be independent. If we still love each other then, I'll count it as a blessing. If we decide to part, than I'll be independent and relying on myself for change.