[LadyDay44]

I have been dating a man for the past 3 years. We started as friends and the relationship grew to be more. We have been through a lot together and love each other deeply. Within the last 3 weeks, our relationship has become sexual. Let me say that up until that time, I had never had sexual intercourse; oral only. So this was my first sexual experience. Since then things have changed. And as of last night, he informed me that he was never sexually attracted to me. When he told me this I was blown away. I mean, why wait until now to tell me that you never felt anything at any time for me. Now, I am lost. I don't want to go but why would I be staying? If would be different if it wasn't so much time, if I hadn't met and feel in love with his children. Is it really all over? Should I pack my stuff and go. Please, someone help me out.

[Ren6]

I have been dating a man for the past 3 years. We started out as friends and the relationship grew to be more. We have been through a lot together and love each other deeply. Within the last 3 weeks, our relationship has become sexual. Let me say that up until that time, I had never had sexual intercourse; oral only. So this was my first sexual experience. Since then things have changed. And as of last night, he informed me that he was never sexually attracted to me. When he told me this I was blown away. I mean, why wait until now to tell me that you never felt anything at any time for me. Now, I am lost. I don't want to go but why would I be staying? If would be different if it wasn't so much time, if I hadn't met and feel in love with his children. Is it really all over? Should I pack my stuff and go. Please, someone help me out.

I'm at a loss. I don't understand why he would engage in sex with you knowing 1) he's not attracted to you, and 2) you were a virgin.

I'd have a heart-to-heart with him. He needs to tell you why things went this far if he wasn't on the same page as you. As for staying or leaving, it seems you'll have to make a difficult decision... can you stay with him as "friends"? Can you forgive him for leading you on for three years when he clearly knew his feelings for you were not romantic? If he hasn't been sexually attracted to you, it's not likely that he's going to mysteriously become attracted.

This is a heart-breaker... I hope you'll find some answers soon.

[LadyDay44]

Ren6, thanks for your response. You know, this whole thing is just difficult. He gave the "let's be friends" talk but then, he turns around and he's trying to hold me and be romantic. And this is part of my problem. You tell me you aren't sexually attractive but you call and want to have phone sex?? I'm sorry. I don't understand how you are able to do that: don't want you sexually but hey, can you get me off by talking sexy to me.

I may not have any sexual experience but something is just not right here. And as wrong as it is, it's hard for me to go. Again, I appreciate your response.

[Ren6]

Ren6, thanks for your response. You know, this whole thing is just difficult. He gave the "let's be friends" talk but then, he turns around and he's trying to hold me and be romantic. And this is part of my problem. You tell me you aren't sexually attractive but you call and want to have phone sex???? I'm sorry. I don't understand how you are able to do that: don't want you sexually but hey, can you get me off by talking sexy to me.

I may not have any sexual experience but something is just not right here. And as wrong as it is, it's hard for me to go. Again, I appreciate your response.

You're correct. Something isn't right, and you just gave out a clue.
Let's delve a bit deeper here... he wants phone sex? How long has that been going on? Perhaps he's one of those guys that would rather masturbate than have actual person to person sex. What is he like as a person? As a boyfriend? He might have some issues related to sex that are difficult for him to reveal to you, so he'd rather do the "let's be friends" bit. Do you have any more details?

[redhed35]

it's a bit of a shocker to discover after 3 years that the man you thought of as a friend and potenial partner turns out to be a complete jerk!

if you need a reason to get the hell out of this and as far away as possible how about,he wants to use you a masturbation material.. end of..

it's the dawn of a new day for this guy,the women who he thinks is so mad about him is about to turn tail and run like the wind..

don't waste another second of your heart here,there are decent solid and loving men out there that would love a good women,that will respect and love her...

again,what a disrespectful jerk.

he may have valued the friendship at one time,but to have sex with you and most likely knowing how you felt,is beyond low.

[Gemini54]

Something is not quite right here. How old are you?

Why did you wait 3 years to have sex and why are you talking about leaving - do you live with him?

If he is not sexually attracted to you then why did he have sex with you? Has he had phone sex with you before you became sexual with him?

[smoothy]

Count this as a learning experience. I'll bet there were other signals you missed before thinking "he was the one". Best to not waste your youth dwelling over this insensitive jerk. I mean... if he wasn;'t sexually attracted to you, then why was he having sex with you.

Being intellectually stimulated by a woman, and sexually stimulated by one are not the same... you can have one without the other... but relationships that last require both.

[LadyDay44]

More details... Okay, for starters, I'm in my early 40's and this is my first real relationship... EVER! I was raised strictly (religiously) and was actually "saving myself" (yes there are a few of us left in these days) for my husband, when I got married. The phone sex started after we started having sex. Before we had sex (vaginal) we were heavily into oral (giving and receiving) and that was going fine. He has an extensive sexual past. I told him last week, I felt like I was in kindergarten in the school of sex, while he was a University tenured professor - we are THAT opposite in our experience. I don't live with him but we do spend a great deal of time together; we see each other every day and sometimes I will stay at his place.

This is where I am lost. If he was not sexually attracted, I don't know why he didn't say something years ago. It's easier to cut a 1 year attachment as opposed to a 3 year attachment. Oh, more info, we knew of each other for 2 years prior to "hooking up". So I've know him for a total of 5 years; we've dated exclusively for 3. Which probably adds to the madness. I just wish he had been honest in the beginning. If you aren't sexually attracted, you aren't. Find someone else and move on. I'm too old to be doing this again. I'm going to become a nun and call it a life.

[smoothy]

You are never too old to find happiness... the clock is running if you want kids... but never give up.

At that age its odd for a guy to pull that, not unheard of, but rare. Why he would spend that much time on someone he wasn't attracted to baffles me.

Most guys are not like that. But most guys will jump in the sack with an easy lay. They have to have an attraction before they invest a lot of time and effort into a woman. A point to think of before you decide one night stands is any way to go to find a guy.

[LadyDay44]

You are never too old to find happiness.....the clock is running if you want kids....but never give up.

At that age its odd for a guy to pull that, not unheard of, but rare. Why he would spend that much time on someone he wasn't attracted to baffles me.

Most guys are not like that. But most guys will jump in the sack with an easy lay. They have to have an attraction before they invest a lot of time and effort into a woman. A point to think of before you decide one night stands is any way to go to find a guy.

And that is my question. Why make the investment if you were never interested. And now, I am all wrapped up in him, his children; they are a part of my life and heart now. And now, to tell me this. When we talked last night, he said that with love we can get through this. I asked him how that was going to make me sexually attractive to you after all this time. He again apologized but said that love is the only answer. All this just really pisses me off! :mad:

[smoothy]

You need a base attraction... you can't assume love will follow.

This isn't an arrainged marriage after all. Where you are culturally brainwashed into believeing that.

If a 40 year old guy wants sex... he finds a willing woman that appeals to him to get it. He doesn't waste years on a prospect he has no attraction to.

Friend material does not equal spouse material.

But a good spouse will be a best friend as well as have the sexual attraction.

[Cat1864]

When was the last time he had a check-up? Does he have any health issues?

This might be an indelicate line of questions, but have you had intercourse since the that 'first' time? Has he seemed to have 'problems' with getting or keeping an erection?

It almost sounds like it isn't you or his perception of being sexually attracted to you. I am wondering if he has been using Fantasy and 'stronger' stimulation to be able to 'climax' and overcome some performance problems that he is now blaming on 'sexual attraction' to keep from having to admit to them.

[LadyDay44]

When was the last time he had a check-up? Does he have any health issues?

This might be an indelicate line of questions, but have you had intercourse since the that 'first' time? Has he seemed to have 'problems' with getting or keeping an erection?

It almost sounds like it isn't you or his perception of being sexually attracted to you. I am wondering if he has been using Fantasy and 'stronger' stimulation to be able to 'climax' and overcome some performance problems that he is now blaming on 'sexual attraction' to keep from having to admit to them.

He had a check up last year; no major health issues. He has never been able to inside of me. He is able to get an erection but not able to complete the act. And what you say seems right. Usually when we are together, he wants to imagine that someone is inside of me while he watches and masterbates. I thought that was very unusual when he first suggested it. Now it seems like an almost always used scenario.

[smoothy]

He had a check up last year; no major health issues. He has never been able to inside of me. He is able to get an erection but not able to complete the act. And what you say seems right. Usually when we are together, he wants to imagine that someone is inside of me while he watches and masterbates. I thought that was very unusual when he first suggested it. Now it seems like an almost always used scenario.

Definitely points to him having major issues. More reason to cut your losses and find a guy without issues. There are plenty out there. However they are likely to be widowed or divirced... 40 something never married single guys are likely to have personality issues that have kept them single all this time. Not saying all will, but a good many.

[LadyDay44]

Definately points to him having major issues. More reason to cut your losses and find a guy without issues. There are plenty out there. However they are likely to be widowed or divirced...40 something never married single guys are likely to have personality issues that have kept them single all this time. Not saying all will, but a good many.

I all ready know I'm going to have to deal with some kind of issue being with a man in his 40's (widowed, divorced, never married, etc.) It's all a crap shoot. Thanks so much for the advice.

[smoothy]

I all ready know I'm going to have to deal with some kind of issue being with a man in his 40's (widowed, divorced, never married, etc.) It's all a crap shoot. Thanks so much for the advice.

Well... some issues are harder to deal with than others... His issues are a biggie. The married or divorced guys are less likely to have the big issues... most never married guys that age will have. Oh some will, particularly on the heels of a bitter divorce. But in a general sense I meant. I reread what I posted before and it wasn't all that clear what I meant to say. Patience... there is the Mr. Right guy out there... you don't have to settle for Mr Here Right Now.