[A4Effort]

Ok so here is my dilema and I need some advice.

So we went on another date last night and we just took time to talk about each other and get to know each other very well. We both seem very compatible and have many similar outlooks and interests. Today, we had lunch together and she told me how she called her ex and told him that she will not ever get back with him and that he should stop trying to contact her. Basically she broke up with him several months back and told him if he cleaned up his act (stop using drugs) that maybe she would give him a second chance. He did clean up but she still does not want to get back with him because there was more wrong with the relationship than just the drugs. She said that she is ready to continue getting to know me more and possibly entering a relationship.

Here is where I stand. I feel like her and I would get along very well and we could form a great relationship. I do not know right now if I am ready to invest my time into another relationship. I really enjoy the freedom I have right now as a single person. But I also do like this girl and feel like we could have a great relationship. I invested my entire self into the last relationship and lost a part of myself. I do not want for this to happen again. Also, I am afraid of commitment. In my last relationship we had intamacy and passion but no commitment. If I were to be in another relationship I would love to have all three. I do not want to invest my time again and just be heartbroken again just because a girl cannot be committed. I know it is hard for college aged students to be committed but I feel it is an important quality that I seek.

[rockie100]

Sounds as though you could both use some non-commital time. What is the harm in just dating without all that serious relationship talk?
And, I could be wrong, but it sounds like your projecting... You can't compare new interests to old. When you do, it taints how you think about the other person. Stunts any growth you could share.
I think you might want some more time... You are still healing.

[paxe]

She might be using you as a rebound. When you enter a relationship, enter it without thinking about the future. Don't project anything. You may well get heartbroken, heck you will get heartbroken, but every time you'll become stronger until you find that right person for you. Tell her, you just want to stay very close friends with her and take it from there. Be slow, very slow.

[kctiger]

Here is where I stand. I feel like her and I would get along very well and we could form a great relationship. I do not know right now if I am ready to invest my time into another relationship. I really enjoy the freedom I have right now as a single person. But I also do like this girl and feel like we could have a great relationship. I invested my entire self into the last relationship and lost a part of myself. I do not want for this to happen again. Also, I am affraid of committment. In my last relationship we had intamacy and passion but no committment. If I were to be in another relationship I would love to have all three. I do not want to invest my time again and just be heartbroken again just because a girl cannot be committed. I know it is hard for college aged students to be committed but I feel it is an important quality that I seek.

The first part of this paragraph you explain why you KNOW it wouldn't be a good idea to be in a relationship. Listen to yourself. Read your own words and then logically deduct an answer from that.

The second part is all generalizations. It isn't hard to commit in college or being that age. I am not sure who you run across, but give me a break. You constantly talk about the standards you have in regards to relationships and then go on about how you are enjoying the "single" life. I may be wrong here, but I don't see how you have lived the "single" life at all. Agonizing yourself over whether a certain female may be the right one for you months after a devastating breakup doesn't seem like enjoyment.

You are afraid of commitment, yet you demand a female who wants to commit fully to you. You see any sort of contradiction in that? Back off my friend, and enjoy the "single" life as you so proclaim you are doing. No hurry to commit to anything but having fun.

And for future endeavors, let things happen naturally. Not everything is an obvious formula that must be solved. Not everything has an answer that guarantees one way or another your prolonged happiness. Most things in life are a gamble that we have to take a chance on.

[paxe]

KC's so right! There is absolutely no shame in being single for a LONG time. You need to relax on expectations and not think about it too long.

[A4Effort]

Once again you all are right. But I am not afraid to be single hence why I am having difficulty deciding if I want to stay single or enter a relationship. Right now we both have been just hanging out. We see each other and just talk. We are getting to know each other well. We are not having sex or anything along those lines besides the occasional kiss.

I am also currently under a lot of stress and have started to loose my motivation. Working 3 jobs, 17 credits, clubs, taekwondo, etc... has taken a toll on me. It has happened before and I have over come it before so I know it will get better.

I think this is what I need to do and please let me know if this is the right thing to do.

1.) Take some time off work
2.) Focus on my school work
3.) Keep going slow with this new girl and not commit right away.
4.) Get some sleep
5.) Free up my schedule somehow and stop doing something.
6.) Stop bit***ng

[paxe]

I guess number 6 should come first... Also going out and drinking cost a lot of money, you could cut on one job, and cut expenses. Cut also other activities or even going out with this girl.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you are saying something and doing something else. Can you read what you are saying? You are not afraid of being single, you want to be single, but you don't want to lose her?? I'm sorry but you need to grow some and make some man decision, you're not 17 anymore.

You do know it is wrong what you are doing? Heck, if that was the solution, I would have gone out with tons of girls, but I rejected them ALL. Do the same, stay single. What you need is friends, not a new relationship.

[amicon]

When we come out of a longterm relationship we need quite some time to heal and recover.
It's important that we learn to live with and like ourselves.
Its OK to make new friends but it seems your spending quite some time agonizing over whether you should get together with this new girl when I think you d be doing yourself a favour if you just relaxed and tried to enjoy life-one day at the time.

[A4Effort]

I guess number 6 should come first... Also going out and drinking cost a lot of money, you could cut on one job, and cut expenses. Cut also other activities or even going out with this girl.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you are saying something and doing something else. Can you read what you are saying? You are not afraid of being single, you want to be single, but you don't want to lose her?!?! I'm sorry but you need to grow some and make some man decision, you're not 17 anymore.

You do know it is wrong what you are doing? Heck, if that was the solution, I would have gone out with tons of girls, but I rejected them ALL. Do the same, stay single. What you need is friends, not a new relationship.

Ok I get it. I keep contradicting myself and changing what I say all the time. Its called reasoning and trying to come up with the best answer. This is all a new experience for me. I have never been in a LTR before this. I never had my heart broken. I am just learning and trying to figure out the right from wrong.

[paxe]

I understand that bro, I've been there also and the pain I've had is... indescribable. It was also my first relationship. The reason I'm harsh with you is that I made mistakes and that led me to extreme pain and what I'm trying to do here is help you out so that you don't pass the same pain. We suffered and learned so that others don't suffer as much when we share our experience.

[A4Effort]

Ok, so disregard any knowledge you know about me and please just focus on this question alone.

I am kind of confused about dating when it comes to love. With my first love, I immediately, on the first day, fell in love with her and I really do mean "in love." With this new girl I do not feel the same way. I like her a lot and I think we could form a great relationship but I do not have the same feelings I had for my ex. Is this normal? Will those feelings develop over time?

Can someone give me a run down on how the next relationship usually works after your first love. Thank you

[rockie100]

Sorry, I just can't forget everything I know about you because this question leads me to give you the same advice...
You are comparing old relationship to perspective new. You are also 'putting the cart before the horse.' First you get to know someone, this takes time. Then if what you learn about that someone is favorable to you, that is when you start to develop feelings. Love is something that grows. Anything that happens on the first date or 'immediately' is called infatuation, or lust. Its not true, lasting, real love.

[paxe]

There is no protocol on how the next relationships work. People are different, hence the difference in experience. First of all, don't worry about not being in love, it's normal it just means you matured a bit and secondly, we can't forget what we know about you and the simple fact you are asking this question shows that you seriously considering a relationship with this girl, which you were against to begin with.

Just a recipe for more pain.

[A4Effort]

So I guess according to your post I must have been infatuated with my ex at first and then in love later on.

I am not comparing the two and I have been very good about not comparing the two. But I am just confused because I do not have the same feelings that I had before and was wondering if that is what is suppose to happen. That is all.

[paxe]

Technically yes, "love" is such a strange concept. Love is something very strong, like a bond between brothers, or father to son, or mother to daughter.

It is more than normal to not have the same feelings, you have more experience and can be more rational about this... on certain levels.

So you're actually going to have a relationship with this girl?

[rockie100]

This is comparing... You are compairing how you felt then to now. "I do not have the same feelings"
I could seem like I'm 'spliting hairs' here but Im really not. I just want you to listen to yourself...
Falling in love, real love, is a unique, personalized situation. I don't think anyone can tell you what is suppose to happen. Nor should you be skipping ahead by wondering...
Seems you are intent on, living in the past, or obsessing on the future. The real living is right now, this moment. Yes, as you read these words. Realize this, and you may enjoy the journey of real life, real love.

[A4Effort]

I am living in the now and doing my best not to compare.

I was just curious hence why I am asking. I am not dwelling on it. I am asking because I am not experienced in LTR. This is my second one or will be if that is what happens. I only dated before casually.

I am studying to be a psychologist and tend analyze everything.

[rockie100]

You just don't seem to understand... Just the words "Long Term Relationship" should not be in your vocabulary right now...
Maybe you should analyse why you are so intent on being in a rebound situation.

[A4Effort]

All right, I am using the wrong vocabulary. Sorry!
I specifically asked not to bring in the current situation into this discussion.

I feel like I am capable enough to understand and know when I am in a rebound relationship. How do I know if I am ready to be in another relationship?

1.) I am done mourning
2.) I have accepted the fact that she is never coming back nor would I like her to come back.
3.) She is rebounding with another guy and I do not have a problem with it.
4.) I see her 2-3 times a week due to having the same class and I do not talk to her at all. When she approaches me I keep things short and simple.
5.) I have thrown away and put away everything she gave me. Deleted her phone number, Facebook, etc..
6.) When I think of the two of us, I think of the good times as well as the bad times. I cherish the good times, and realize why we are not compatible by looking at the bad things.
7.) I accept the fact that being single is OK
8.) I have gone out on dates with other women and did not immediately try to form anything more than a friendship
9.) I am dating this woman because I enjoy her qualities, we have many similar interests, and I am very compatible with her.


I can keep going if you want me to. I think you need to understand that some people move on faster than others. I have a great support system (parents, friends, mentors, AMHD, etc.. ) and this is what helped me move on fast.

Also, I have told her that I would like to take it slow because I do not want to enter the relationship with baggage. She understands and feels the same way. We are very open about our past relationships and are very cautious. We are not rushing into anything and we are thinking clearly with our brains, not hearts, or the other brain in the pants.

[rockie100]

Sorry, thought she might be the one rebounding... I'll stop.