[Jake2008]

I admire this girl for getting out of a bad relationship with someone who had a drug problem. Probably him getting clean was a last step to see if the relationship would ever work out.

Now that he is clean, he's only been clean a few months, and that is not long enough. But she may very well feel an obligation to re-kindle that relationship, now that he is the man she wanted him to be- clean and sober.

While she is teetering on that slippery slope, and says that she is feeling confused between you and her ex, and doesn't know what to do, you tell her she needs to make her own choice.

To me, that says that you are interested in a relationship with her. If she chooses you, and then you say you don't want a serious relationship, where does that leave her.

While you want to have each date with her, as though it were your last, it sounds like she is on the verge of each date leading to another date, leading to a relationship.

Have you actually told her you aren't interested in a long term relationship? Or that you are not ready to commit to a relationship with her?

I hope you have, because if she chooses you, which you know she is wrestling with right now, and then you speak up, that doesn't seem very honest or fair.

[A4Effort]

Jake, I did tell her how I just got out of a LTR and still needed to take things slow. She told me she is being cautious too. I think we both need to resolve any problems we have with our ex's.

I know I am being a hypocrite because I said above that I do not want a relationship now. But in the last few days that I have been getting to know her I really have been attracted to many of her qualities. So I do not know if I want to stay single. I really need to take things slow though even though I kind of did something yesterday that I probably shouldn't have.

Which leads me into what Paxe is asking me. We went to a party together with her roommates. We danced, hung out, I met new people, etc... From there we went back to her house with her roommates. We talked for a bit and we all decided to hit the bed. I didn't want to drive back since I still was under the influence. She offered me to sleep over. So I did and one thing led to another. I think you all can paint the rest of the scene. We woke up the next morning and there was no tension between us. I was not awkward and we both had no regrets.

[sandalwood7]

I would definitely keep a friendship stance with this girl. Friendship is way underrated. I would explain to this girl that you would like to hang out, but that considering bith situations, it is not wise to go beyond platonic. That way you can see how things go before any major emotions are present. Don't make her your priority,just keep contact occasionally... and NO kissing.

When you are young, date lots of people before you dive in. I don't think you are the only one of us with a tendency to become involved too quickly. That way you can get to meet more people and have more chance of meeting someone that is compatible with you.

Try not to buy into the old myth that one needs someone to fulfill them/complete them. This is a load of Bull#$%*. All of us needto rely on ourselves for completeness, rather than looking for it outside ourselves, in another person.

I think you are doing better than alotof people in the same situation because you are THINKING about your situation and analysing it, rather than ignoring your doubts and hopingeverything will just be OK. Don't worry... being young is a very confusing time and believe me, it probably only gets clearer by the decade not the year!

Good luck. By the way I think you are a sensitive and insightful person, by no means arrogant, only confused. :-)

[A4Effort]

Thank you sandalwood for your advice and kind words. I agree with you very much on the fact that I am still young and confused. I am just learning and trying to figure out everything. I am learning some things through experience and other things through trial and error.

Either way I think things will turn out for the best. They always do.

[sandalwood7]

I had not seen your last post (must have been while I was writing mine).

Once you have slept with someone, things change forever.

I would take time out with this girl because you are only going to get hurt. Have a frank conversation with her and be sensitive/notcallous but tell her that this is not a good idea for either of you right nowand you need time apart to chill. Given your tendencies to get involved quickly, I think this is the safest option for you. It is very unlikely that this will work long term if you pursue it now, given that you have just gotten out of a long term relationship (NOT A GOOD FOUNDATION FOR A NEW RELATIONSHIP).

Also, from experience, I strongly believe that you need complete distance from your ex for at least a year to be completely over them. You may be able to regain contact with your ex, but only after many years and it will NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. It is not fair that she is contacting you.Tell her to stop doing this.

Be single and get to know yourself a bit better. Enjoy your friends and what they have to offer. I say at least a year. You will be less afraid to be alone and will feel less need to dive into a relationship quickly in the future if you do this experiment.

[talaniman]

Your learning something that you should already know, physical intimacy (hugging, kissing, making out, and sex) clouds the judgment, and makes for some intense feeling. Especially when under the influence.

WARNING- This is no time to make big decision about relationships, or feelings. Nothing has changed except the redistribution of body fluids.

Your feeling good, you should be, don't over think this, and figure the intense feeling are love.

Lust wears off, love grows, but I think keeping your wits about you, and staying balanced is the only way to go.

Wonder if she keeps her wits about her too, you'll find out.

[paxe]

Everyone is right and there is little that I can add. You are confused and still young, and there is a lot to learn.

It takes a real complete man to stay single and not be scared of being alone. A real man sticks to his decisions and doesn't change them in a whim.

Take everyone's advice and stick to them. Be single, don't pursue anything. If casual dating will end up in kissing, sex and confusion, then don't date, hang out with girls and boys.

[A4Effort]

I think we need to distinguish something here. I am fine with being single. I am not dating this new girl because I am afraid to be alone. I am not dating this girl in order to get over my ex. I am genuinely interested in her because of her qualities, personality, etc... You are all right that I should slow down and not rush into anything because it is still to early and I have told this to the new girl. I probably shouldn't have hooked up with this girl either because it only made things messy.

[amicon]

You use the word messy and mostly that s what we get if we jump in too soon. Just allow yourself to get truly over the ex and enjoy life. You have a lot of insight just remember to think with your head.

[paxe]

I think we need to distinguish something here. I am fine with being single. I am not dating this new girl because I am affraid to be alone. I am not dating this girl in order to get over my ex. I am genuinely interested in her because of her qualities, personality, etc.... You are all right that I should slow down and not rush into anything because it is still to early and I have told this to the new girl. I probably shouldn't have hooked up with this girl either because it only made things messy.

It's neither a question of slowing down or being genuinely interested in her. It's a matter of really healing and making the right decision, once you get completely over your ex. You have to tell her you can't be with anyone with right now, you will just end up hurting her.

Are you really thinking with your head for this girl? I mean you first said you weren't going to date anyone and needed some time alone. Then you went from that to dating, from dating to kissing, from kissing to sex, then from sex to relationship and you started with "I don't want to be in a relationship now".

It doesn't seem like someone who is composed or in control of his own emotions. You can say whatever you want, but your actions speaks louder than your words.

[A4Effort]

You are right Paxe. My actions do speak louder then my words.

I sat down with her and talked with her about this relationship. I asked her if we could take things really slow and see what happens from there. I do not want to leave her completely because I do have feelings from her. My mind is not clouded by the hook up or my ex. These feelings are genuine. We have agreed to take things very slow and just see what happens as we get to know each other more. We are hanging out tomorrow and will be cooking dinner together. The other night we watched a movie with her roommates.


I don't know if this is the right thing to do but this is the decision I made. I still have all the freedom to hang out with others and enjoy being single.

Anyone have any advice as to how to move forward in this new relationship without having it turn into a rebound. In what state do I have to be in order to accept a new relationship?

Currently, I have accepted that I am not ever getting back together with my ex. I have accepted that being single is not a bad thing. I know that a relationship is only a bonus to my life and not the main focus. I am even OK with my ex having a new boyfriend even though I think it's a rebound. But either way I do not care. Yes I was hurt when I first heard it but all it took was a little bag punching to get the anger out.

[paxe]

Since you don't want to lose this relationship and it is your decision, take it slow, really really slow. Basically don't give yourself into it or even think about it too much.

[A4Effort]

That is exactly what I have been telling myself. I tell myself that if we do not end up in a relationship that it will not be the end of the world. I am letting things just happen. I am trying to put most of my focus on my education, family, and martial arts training.

[paxe]

I can relate to that. I had my share since my break up of girls being attracting to me, but I have been concentrating on all those stuff and until now life has been great. You do have the occasional "what if I don't find someone" popping in your head and peer pressure, but you dismiss it and you continue your day. Being single for some time is actually really good.

[A4Effort]

Yes, being single is not a bad thing. I think right now I am in this mode where I do want to be in relationships. All through high school I was not interested in being in a relationship. I focused mainly on my education and friends. I enjoyed that time to myself. But once I came to college that changed. I really enjoyed being in a relationship. I really do enjoy having an intimate connection with another person. Not having this doesn't make my life worse but it does ad another dimension to my life. Also, since I did not date much in high school this is still a new concept to me and it is one I would like to explore further. I do need to slow down a bit and recover still before starting another relationship but I really like this girl for several reasons.


What I am about to say is very tough for me to explain and I hope it does not get taken the wrong way.

In my past relationship it was all about equality. Great! I am all for equality and would never want to have the upper hand, control, etc... over anyone. But my ex never made me feel like a man because to her everything was equal. She did comment on my strength and masculinity once in a while mostly made me feel inadequate because she felt like she could do everything that I could do. Once again nothing wrong with that but it is the way she carried it out. It feels good for a guy to be needed. Whether it be opening a jar or lifting something heavy. With my ex she always told me she could do it and I should even ask her if she needed help with it. She used to get angry when once in a while I asked if she needed help. I would understand if I asked constantly but that was not the case.

With this new girl she really makes me feel good and makes me feel like a man. Don't get me wrong though. I am not seeking to be macho masculine man. I consider myself metrosexual and fit the double standard well. But sometimes it just feels good to do man things. After all I was born one. But this new girls definitely understands. Whether it be her feeling up my muscles and telling me that I am strong or asking me what is wrong with her car. My ex would have never asked even though she knows that I know how to fix anything on a car. She would figure it out herself and maybe ask later only because she knows that she can't figure it out. Once again there is nothing wrong with that but it is the way she carried it out and made me feel when I offered help.

I don't even know if any of this makes sense but I hope someone understands.

[talaniman]

A good partner does make you feel good, yeah we do understand that.

[A4Effort]

Hahaha you summed up my whole speech in one sentence but that is exactly what I was trying to get at.

Its weird, I am rereading my past posts and I am basically arguing myself and contradicting myself.

At points I say I want to be single and then a few posts later I say I want another relationship.

I say one thing, do another, and change my mind constantly. I am not ready for a relationship yet no matter what I keep saying.

But I do want to see where this current situation is leading too. I think as long as I stay honest with myself and this new girl things will go well. Also, I need to take things slow too. Very slow at that.

[talaniman]

Sex has a way of speeding things up, though. Be careful. Nothing makes feelings more intense than good hot sex.

Ask me how I know.

[A4Effort]

Yes, I agree. No more of that. If I want to genuinely like this girl for who she is I will need to stay away from further intimacy.

I just need to repeat to myself over and over again: SLOW DOWN!!

[amicon]

Yes-babysteps. And the contradictory feelings are normal.