[itsamor]

I've recently hit rock bottom and just tried to commit suicide. I took a pill cocktail and blacked out after that. I also stabbed myself in the arm. My mom found me and was trying to wake me up, I guess I woke up and was incoherently trying to answer her questions but she said I made no sense. She said she kept asking what pills I took.. she saw two bottles of my prescriptions and took them away from me. I don't really remember most of it . I Remember when my mom woke me up I was Blind. I couldn't see or talk .All my motor skills were shot. I thought I might actually die this time. I passed out again and woke up at about in the middle of the night and have been crying ever since then.
I'm, lost, alone, and don't know what to do. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to eat, I don't want to hang out with "friends", I don't want to talk on the phone or speak to anyone in general. I don't want to go outside and get fresh air, I can't change my clothes,shower,brush my hair or even look in a mirror.I haven't done any grooming like I used to. It's like I just don't have the strength to care. I'm just rotting here. Oh and to top it off when I'm sleeping, I'm having nightmares about all my fears and insecurities and wake up feeling terrible and paranoid & even confused trying to decide whether my dreams were just dreams or if they are reality.
I can't escape :(

[KBC]

My solution to dealing with all of my suicide attempts(10)has been to find someone in the mental health field who will listen, I have been 'in patient' quite a few times over this.

The letting go of the emotions which are being stifled by the depression allows one more person in to give their perspective into 'our world'.

You are not alone.

None of your problems,feelings,etc,are bad or unworthy of you,they are yours to do with as you see fit.

How long you want to continue down the depression road is entirely up to you.

Eating and bathing are the most necessary to a road to recovery,even the smallest things help,cleaning small areas you live in to stop the repeating negativity which is a constant drag on your mind, you know,the spider webs from the corners,vacuuming those spots.. etc,they all make a difference and get you moving,activity by itself is a great outlet.

Hope you and I can chat further:)

Ken

[itsamor]

Thanks the "doctors" never seem to help but one time I had a nurse from the health department help me feel a lot better.. which was random and nice cause it wasn't her job to help me emotionally

[KBC]

Can you try to reacquaint yourself with that nurse?It's a step away from the chaos your in right now.

[DMA]

I would recommend exercise. If you walk say 2 miles a day, every day, then after about 2 weeks you can feel an improvement. You can jog or cycle as well. That would probably work better too.

Some people will recommend anti depressents. But be careful because I started cutting myself after going on some. They do work but I would say (for me) it took about 12-14 months at the maximum dose to really feel the difference.

A random hug from a stranger can have a profound effect. They are difficult to come by, but gives a big improvement if only short term.

[Ashriel]

Hi itsamor :-)

I would say that it's most important that you make your health the #1 priority in your life.

You really need to find a therapist/psychologist who you can talk to and who can help you find solutions to what you are dealing with. This is probably your first priority. Because you attempted suicide, it might even make sense to check yourself into a hospital where they can help you get stronger emotionally and physically, and to a point where you can start working on the deeper issues.

Look in your local yellow pages for therapists and psychologists and counseling services. I really believe they can help you, and it might take a couple of tries to find the right fit for you, but it will make a difference.

If you deal with depression or anxiety you might need to take some anti-depressants. There is nothing wrong with that, I think of it like a diabetic person who needs insulin.

One thing that could help you is to set small goals for yourself. For example "I am going to take a shower every other day." or "I am going to go outside for 5 minutes every day."
Just little things that will help you take care of the most important person in your life: you.

I wish you strength and peace! Keep fighting, don't let the monster of depression beat you.

[musicianguybrum]

Totally agree with everyone here, I had a breakdown about 3 months ago, was more of a relapse, but this was because I felt "better" and came off medication and stopped seeing my physcologist. I know for a fact, the hardest people I found to talk to were my friends and family, because I felt embarressed. When I actually felt so low that I was leaning out a window, I called NHS direct, who talked me down and calmed me down. They are very goood to call up and talk to when your feeling low. They got me to go somewhere with people and get them to call an ambulance.

When we feel down, all sense of common sense, rational feelings and un-selfishness kicks in, and the worst thing is the feeling of "helplessness". I got back on the treatment, and slowely came off it instead, Im not 3 months away from being off the medication (slow detoxing of it), but still seeing my phycologist for 30 minutes a week, just to get things off my chest.

Few tips that I use:

1. when feeling low, write down your feelings, so when you feel better again, you can look through it, and think through it rationally, and/or talk to your counsellor about it.
2. talk to the samaritans or NHS direct, they will listen to you, and give you advice.
3. see your GP if the depression stays for an extended period
4. if you feel like your going to do something stupid, call NHS direct or and ambulance.

We all have bad times, but you should get help for it, no point wasting your life. I can't bear to think how my family would have coped if I had taken the easy way out... How do you think your mom would have felt?

[Di Trep]

Hello Itsamor
While reading your post,flashbacks from a major depression came back to me (1994). I advise you first not to isolate yourself: join a group,see a doctor,phone NHS and that nurse too.I joined a group of depressed persons and was relieved to meet other decent people dealing with depression. And relieved to be accepted in the group even on days I was really depressed with no inclination to answer "very well thank you" when asked how I was. I was simply not ask,and just by looking at my mates I knew where they were. Also as I lived alone I resorted to going out twice a day for five minutes. Which means dressing,bathing once in a while,etc. I found myself staying out sometimes for longer than 5 minutes and it made me feel like I was in control,at the level I could be in control then.And I found a doctor who found the words to convince me to give anti-depressants a try. Since then I thank the era I live in for pharmacology! It think about a great-grandmother who hanged herself in the twenties and can undestand she chose that solution. But today is different.And one day at the time is a good advice too. I hope to read from you again. I am from Qubec,Canada.Parlez-vous français?

[itsamor]

Thanks everyone for your comments, Oh and I have been on anti-depressants for years, but haven't been taking them because I'm already on so many pills and they make me feel funny =/ (also I notice my eyes are ALWAYS dialated and it makes them extra sensitive and hurt.)
& I do go out but I always end up wanting to go home and be by myself, because people make me really angry... atleast everyone I know. I can't relate to any of my "friends" all they do if drink and smoke weed everyday.

On a positive note I have quit drinking,chain smoking and doing any drugs. My parents are issuing out my medications when I need them. I don't sleep all day. I go to bed early and wake up early. I stopped talking to one person who yo yo's my emotions (hopefully soon I won't even think of that person anymore) I can't lie that it's not hard. I do go on walks on the railroad tracks, I tried to get my friends to walk but as I said they are all lazy pot heads >.>
haha, I still feel emtpy and cry often.I feel utterly alone and know I need to talk to somebody but am avoiding doing so for some unapparent reason.

[KBC]

Reason,depression,it keeps us from doing things which we know are healthy,depression keeps us depressed.

I suggest a different anti-depressant,if you are too spacey from taking the one your on,ask for a change.Some of the anger is also from the depression,not only caused by it,it stems from it.

This isn't something to take lightly,a doctor prescribes medications believing they will be beneficial to you,if you decide not to take them,why trust a doctor at all?