[whitesnow2009]

I met a great man online, have dated for 3 month. We are both very busy with work, we see each other twice a week. Thing is going great, we developed strong feeling for each other. We both said I love you, and he calls me every night to say god night. I love him so much, and trying to build a strong communication with him, and started to talk about a lot of personal matters.

I spent weekend at his place. Today, he seemed depressed. I asked him why. He said his dogs are sick. He is divorced a year ago, they never had children together, and his ex wife still has the dogs.

In the afternoon, he was about to giving me a ride to my house. However, he stopped at his old house, where his ex wife is still living at. He parked the car across the house, sitting in the car, and watched the house for abut 30 min with me without saying anything.

It made me very uncomfortable. Is he still having feelings for his ex wife? Is he having emotional baggage? Is it a red flag? I am very concerned. According to him, they divorced because she cheated on him.

Can you give me some advice on this? Thanks you.

[Gemini54]

Yes it's a red flag. And, it's waving wildly. Trust your intuition on this one.

It's only been 3 months. Not really long enough for you both to talk about love. Too much too soon! It sounds as if you are part of a rebound relationship and as if he has not yet let go of his hurt, grief or connection with his Ex.

Back off and let him deal with his hurt and regrets. If you don't I suspect you will also have hurt and regrets to deal with.

[rockie100]

You named your post right. You should take more than a few steps back. His baggage is heavy. He needs a lot more time to let it go. He could be a great guy but won't be able to start something real with you, or anyone, until he works this out on his own. His hands are full, so to speak, couldn't give you what you need even if he wanted to. Pulling up to the old house with you tells you a lot. Not really a normal thing to do with someone you just started dating. To me it would say "dont get hurt, just get out"

[whitesnow2009]

Yes it's a red flag. And, it's waving wildly. Trust your intuition on this one.

It's only been 3 months. Not really long enough for you both to talk about love. Too much too soon! It sounds as if you are part of a rebound relationship and as if he has not yet let go of his hurt, grief or connection with his Ex.

Back off and let him deal with his hurt and regrets. If you don't I suspect you will also have hurt and regrets to deal with.

Thanks for your advice.

It hurts me though. I already developed strong feeling for him, and in love with him.
I keep thinking about him every day even at work. I know it is was too soon and too fast, but could not resist. He acts as perfect gentleman, talked me all sweet things in my ear every night.
He introduced me to his family already. Does it mean anything?
My concern is he does not want talk about his ex wife that much...

[kctiger]

I think it's time you backed off. I cannot imagine what he was thinking parking in front of his old house like that with you in the car. That seems like blatant disregard for you feelings. He clearly has his own issues and protecting yourself from further drama such as this would be ideal. Did he say anything to you while doing that?

Trying to find meaning in certain things isn't going to help when such vivid signs are being presented that he is not over his ex wife. Rather than trying to over analyze something that isn't clear, read what is directly in front of your face.

Back off enough to get your feelings under control. When you let your feelings ignore such signs he has presented, it becomes time to protect yourself. Back off enough to think clearly.

[whitesnow2009]

You named your post right. You should take more than a few steps back. His baggage is heavy. He needs a lot more time to let it go. He could be a great guy but wont be able to start something real with you, or anyone, untill he works this out on his own. His hands are full, so to speak, couldnt give you what you need even if he wanted to. Pulling up to the old house with you tells you a lot. Not really a normal thing to do with someone you just started dating. To me it would say "dont get hurt, just get out"

Thanks for your advice.

I am already hurt... Yes, that was my gut feeling. He acted too nice, and only talks about good things. It does not seem real sometimes. That's why I tried to talk about "real thing", but he does not want it though.

One more concern is I am living 1 hour away from his place, but his ex wife lives only 20 minutes away & in a same town. I noticed he was not comfortable to take me to grocery store, while he does not mind to take me any restaurants in the town.

Another concern is when visited his place last week, I found a nice roast dish in his oven. It means someone cooked in the house for hours for him. But he is not good at cooking at all. Should I think that if his ex wife came over and cooked for him in his place?

I noticed he is still hurt when he talks about his ex wife.

One night we watched a DVD in my place, and the movie was about a man who still had feelings for his ex wife. My boy friend was disturbed by it, and left early at that night.

I am not sure what to do.
How should I back off? How far?
I am so afraid to loose him. I love this man so deeply.

[whitesnow2009]

I think it's time you backed off. I cannot imagine what he was thinking parking in front of his old house like that with you in the car. That seems like blatant disregard for you feelings. He clearly has his own issues and protecting yourself from further drama such as this would be ideal.

Trying to find meaning in certain things isn't going to help when such vivid signs are being presented that he is not over his ex wife. Rather than trying to over analyze something that isn't clear, read what is directly in front of your face.

Back off enough to get your feelings under control. When you let your feelings ignore such signs he has presented, it becomes time to protect yourself. Back off enough to think clearly.

Thanks for your advice.

I am in love with him deeply, and really concerned...
I know the sign is too vivid, and his acting speaks loudly, he is not in the shape of get into new relationship with full heart.
I am in love with him, and I am afraid to lose him, but also afraid I will get hurt.
What do you mean by back off? Should I break off?
How should I turn him into a new man?
How should I make him forget his ex wife who divorced a year ago?
How should I make him concentrate on our relationship only?
I love this man, and I am willing to do anything to keep him in my life.
What should I do?

[kctiger]

You cannot make someone get over another person. You can help them hid their feelings, but it is up to him to truly get over his feelings. Speaking from experience, I have never been able to get over an ex while dating another person. It is like putting a bandaid over a wound and pretending like it isn't there.

I know you like him but I fear he needs to be alone to deal with his feelings. Talk to him about how you feel, first of all, and then see what his reactions are.

[whitesnow2009]

You cannot make someone get over another person. You can help them hid their feelings, but it is up to him to truly get over his feelings. Speaking from experience, I have never been able to get over an ex while dating another person. It is like putting a bandaid over a wound and pretending like it isn't there.

Ktiger,
Thanks for telling me your experience for me.
So, how is the new relationship going while you have strong feelings for your ex?
Are you daydreaming your ex while you are with the new girl?
Are you pretending if the new girl is your ex?
It really hurts me...

I do not want him to hide his real feelings, but I do not want to encourage him to open session with me to work on his ex wife baggage with me either. I want him to focus on our relationship not the dead marriage.

I am afraid if I mention about his emotional baggage, he will feel pressure, and hide his feelings more or even avoid me. It seems I am in a bad situation. Sigh...

[kctiger]

You can't be afraid to communicate with him. Without full trust in being able to open up, there is no relationship. So talk to him about how you feel. You don't have to do it in a pressuring away, but just get a feel for where his head is at. It will do you both good. He needs to confront his past before ever having a shot at making a good future.

As far as an ex, I make it a point to completely move on before dating again. I don't consider it fair to use another woman as a crutch for feeling lonely or sad.

[whitesnow2009]

Ktiger,
You are right. I should communicate with him. He is calling me overnight to say good night, and we talk about for 30 minutes everyday. I will tell him in the gentle way. Wish me a good luck. Thanks.

[talaniman]

I think 3 months of dating is much to soon to be in love, no matter the intense feelings you have.

Its certainly a sign your investing too much emotion to fast, for a positive relationship to even develop.

You both should just be having fun getting to know each other in character, style, and building enough communications to really learn about each other.

Your to carried away, and have not found out enough about this fellow to ease your mind, or trust him with your heart. No way, but when the sweet nothings he whispers become revealing talk about something of himself, then you can talk. For now, there is no communications, just those sweet nothings, that mean nothing. They make you feel good, but tell you squat.

Slow down, and communicate as what's the hurry?? Take caution as your attitude, and pay attention.

[whitesnow2009]

I think 3 months of dating is much to soon to be in love, no matter the intense feelings you have.

Its certainly a sign your investing to much emotion to fast, for a positive relationship to even develop.

You both should just be having fun getting to know each other in character, style, and building enough communications to really learn about each other.

Your to carried away, and have not found out enough about this fellow to ease your mind, or trust him with your heart. No way, but when the sweet nothings he whispers become revealing talk about something of himself, then you can talk. For now, there is no communications, just those sweet nothings, that mean nothing. They make you feel good, but tell you squat.

Slow down, and communicate as whats the hurry??? Take caution as your attitude, and pay attention.

I know we were both rushing in. One thing though, while my feeling is getting deeper and deeper, I feel I do not see deep enough communication between us. He only talks sweet things, and it concerns me. As you say, it can mean nothing. I want us to talk about everything, open chest with trust, and talk about everyday life not a romantic fantasy. Am I going to fast? I am paying attention. My concern is again, he is trying to be just good to me, but does not want to open his chest...
I am planning to slow down and build the real realtionhsip with him. Thank you for your kind advice!

[whitesnow2009]

I talked to him last night over the phone when he called to say good night, and the outcome was not good at all.

First of all, he apologized he hurt my feelings. He said he would not do it again when I am there. It was good.

However, he admitted that he still has emotional baggage, but did not want to talk about it in detail at all. I felt so bad.

His story was, it still hurts him whenever he reminds his ex wife cheated on him while he worked hard morning to night. When his wife got laid off from work a couple years ago (not for her fault, but the company downsized and let go some employees), she had too much free time home alone, and started affair with the guy living next door who was also unemployed at that time. He found out, and they started to argue. His ex wife even blamed him he did not give her enough attention. They could not reconcile, he left the house & got an apartment, and started separation. He was not sure if he wanted to divorce or not at that time. However, his ex wife was the one who decided to divorce to get financial aid, and filed it. He told me he got so hurt. In fact, his ex wife filed the divorce a year ago, but the actual divorce was done just 2 weeks before he met me! He told me he lied, because he did not want me to worry about it. I am more concerned...

He obviously not in a situation to begin with anyone for real relationship. I think he is keep going over his old house to check out if his ex wife still sees the guys. Even worse, they live 20 minutes apart. I am so hurt... I am not sure what I should do...

[kctiger]

He told you the truth and you know what you should do. Leave him be. Sometimes timing just sucks. Better to find out now then at a later date.

[whitesnow2009]

He told you the truth and you know what you should do. Leave him be. Sometimes timing just sucks. Better to find out now then at a later date.

Ktiger,
What do you mean by the "let him be"? Should I continue to I see him and avoid the topic?
Please help. Thank you.

[kctiger]

No, you leave him alone, cut the contact and let him get his own life in order. He is deeply hurt right now and a woman isn't going to help him. You are dangerously close to being a rebound, and that isn't fair to you.

[whitesnow2009]

No, you leave him alone, cut the contact and let him get his own life in order. He is deeply hurt right now and a woman isn't going to help him. You are dangerously close to being a rebound, and that isn't fair to you.

Oh, my god... It is worst nightmare! My feeling is so deep and I am having almost heat attach even when I think about to leave him... Isn't there any hope please? Please help!

[kctiger]

I have told you what I think. If I were you, the above advice I gave you is what I would do. I am far from an expert in this matter, thus why I am not designated as such. Hope is not born out of wants and desires, it is born out of rational ability and consequence... I see no rational way this can work right now, at least.

[Cat1864]

Oh, my god... It is worst nightmare! My feeling is so deep and I am having almost heat attach even when I think about to leave him... Isn't there any hope please? please help!

From what I read, instead of using the past year to heal from the damage that his wife's infidelity and the divorce did to his self-esteem and emotions, he kept picking at the wounds they left keeping them open and raw. He is still picking at them and not letting them heal. It appears he didn't get into any relationships during the divorce proceedings. I would venture to guess because he didn't want to commit adultery in his own mind. He met you two weeks after the divorce was finalized and thinks he found someone who is going to be a bandage for his wounds. The same wounds that he isn't letting heal.

While you might make the argument that bandages do help and that you want to help him, think about what happens to used bandages. Do you really want to stay around to thrown away when he decides that you are no longer helping or needed? That would not be good for your own self-respect and self-esteem.

What you need to do is explain to him that he needs to deal with his past on his own. It may seem harsh and will hurt, however, he needs to take responsibility for himself. That you can not and will not allow yourself to be used as a replacement for his ex-wife. You have more respect for yourself than to allow him to use you as a surrogate.

Until he stops playing detective or stalker (I am not sure which he is actually doing) and any other self-destructive behavior, I would stay away from him.