[BlazingCold]

Hello everyone. I've lurked this site for a couple of days and I like the responses people gave to each other, so I thought I might as well ask my question.

A little background: I'm 20 and she's 18 now. We go to 2 different colleges and I live about 50 miles away from her. Because of this, I only see her roughly once a month, except during the summer. We've had a lot of good times and never had an actual argument. Was it because I was too eager to submerge my wants just to make her "happy" or because she always had difficulty telling me problems.

She broke up with me a week ago. She gave all the normal lines about how she still loves me (and even in love with me), but says she doesn't want a relationship right now. I found that hard to believe that she'd say this after a year and a half, so I assumed that she'd found someone better than me. She also said she'd been feeling this way for some time, but just never told me. I understand why she left, because I put her on a pedestal, not letting her be herself around me, and she got fed up. She has a whole new circle of friends, and felt that she couldn't enjoy them because she was always worried about my social life (which admittedly was non-existent).

I went through the normal grieving process: rage that she could leave me out of the blue like that, depression that I could never find someone to replace her, thus being alone once again (she was my first girl and true love), wondering if she's found another guy and then a sudden urge to vomit thinking about the two of them together.

Reading everything I could on the net has helped immensely. Everyday (except when I first wake up) gets better. I've talked to a guy I know who's been through this and it's given me some needed perspective. I haven't texted her or called since the break up, nor do I have any real urge to do so. I sent her one e-mail asking how she's doing and that was it.

I'm focusing on changing myself into someone who isn't dependent on others for his happiness. I walk down the street with a confidence that I never felt before. I guess I want to see if it can still work, but not until I'm happy with the way I am. Is this a good course of action?

[talaniman]

but not until I'm happy with the way I am. Is this a good course of action?

I think this is an excellent course of action and I hope you stay on this path Good luck!

Boy that was easy!

[BlazingCold]

Thanks for the positive reinforcement. I feel like I'm at a crossroads: while I wouldn't mind having her back, the idea of being with someone else isn't unfathomable anymore.

She's a wonderful person and for a while I wanted to call her and tell her that I wanted to be in her life no matter what. Luckily, I haven't done that, now knowing how detrimental that would be. I like being around her, but I fear being friends will make me extremely jealous and vengeful if she decides to tell me about her new partner.

[talaniman]

Yes it will.

I can't be that good, or can I?

[BlazingCold]

Yes, you are.

What about all the great things she's said to me? She always told me she loved me, and that I was the one she wanted to be with. The day before she left me, she would noticeably wince every time I said I loved her, yet still wanted to hang out with me and laugh and joke around!

I feel betrayed that after a year and a half of bliss, she ups and moves on like she doesn't love me anymore (she had an extremely upsetting attitude when she first told me over the phone, just saying "I'm tired of you" like I'm something you pull off the bottom of your shoe. ). Also, she says she's felt like this for some time, but didn't tell me how long, despite me asking her directly.

If she wants space, fine, I can handle that. But why drag me through the mud first?

[chuff]

Hey Blazing your doing everything correctly. To be hoest I can't tell you why women fill the need to be so rude when the break up. Saying "I'm tired of you" is cowardly and low. That right there tells you that she isn't worth your time. She could have easily cited (and it would have been the truth) the distance and lack of time you two have between you. You may not realize this now (actually I think you might) but your better off without this kind of person in your life. Keep up the good work and keep us posted.

[BlazingCold]

Thanks chuff. You may be right, maybe I'm better off without her. But it so hard to just throw away all I've built with her. I want the phone to ring so badly. I loved feeling that no matter what was going on in my life, I could always "come home to her".

[chuff]

Thanks chuff.

No problem. It's what I do.

You may be right, maybe I'm better off without her.

You are.

But it so hard to just throw away all I've built with her. I want the phone to ring so badly. I loved feeling that no matter what was going on in my life, I could always "come home to her".

My friend there is someone much better for you out there. I know you'll find her.

[J_9]

Little bit of female insght here, so bear with me.

I do agree with everything you are doing! GREAT job. Don't change what you are doing at all.

Chuff says that he does not understand why women are so rude with the breakup. Well, we are VERY emotional creatures. We need to find a way to make the break up easier on us.

Yes, saying "I am tired of you" is cowardly and low, I do not dispute that. But we have to find a way to harden our shells, so to speak, so that it is easier on us.

I am in no means defending her, or any other woman that does this. It is just a defense mechanism that a lot of women use to make the break up easier on us.

So, I can most likely assure you she is suffering as much as you are, and sometimes suffering rears it's ugly head in different forms, but this can be a woman's way of making a break up easier to deal with.

[BlazingCold]

I like that I'm doing the right thing. But I guess the real test comes if she calls. It will be hard not to revert to the personality which drove her away in the first place. The last thing I want to make her feel is that I don't care if she lives or dies. I know I have to convey the feeling that I've moved on (which I believe more and more, but still curious to see if she's my "soulmate"), but how do I do this without coming off as either needy or a jerk?

P.S: Why does waking up in the morning (or any other time) hurt so much? My entire sleep pattern has changed. I also dream about her more than I ever did when we were together (and coming from someone who rarely dreams, means a lot!). It's getting to the point where I dread waking up in the morning.

[J_9]

Yes, the test comes if, and when, she calls. Just don't answer, I know easier said than done. But, remember the No Contact Rule we always talk about? I know it is hard, but it is necessary.

Why does waking hurt so much? That is when you are the most vulnerable. Look at it this way... When you are sick with the flu or cold, when do you feel the worst? In the morning.

Yes, your sleep pattern has changed, dream patterns changed... this is all part of the grieving process. Losing a loved one hurts. It is not much different than losing one to death. You still lost a loved one. You are still loving and grieving, going through a healing process. It takes time, but you can do this. And you will be a better person.

[chuff]

J9 you stated that women are emotional creatures. Well, I'm not disputing that but society and popular culture has sort of made men out to be these animals that care about only one about sex and as soon as we get it were gone. As you know from reading posts here that is not true at all. Now I will admit to you that I'm more emotional person than normal but it has been my experience that men in genernal take a break up harder than women. I understand putting up a wall but if your going to break up with someone sticking the knife in the heart on the way out the door just isn't the way to do it. That's just my opionion.


As far as waking up goes. Try and read a book before you sleep. Generally when I do that I dream and wake up thinking about what I read.

[talaniman]

What makes the grieving process so tough is the hurt you feel for a long time. Time will help you deal with it but it is normal because you are a caring human being. The good news, you do not have to answer her calls or talk to her period. The bad news ,This will hurt like hell. No way around it and it is going to feel like going head first into a brick wall. Sorry not to scare you, but that's just the way it is. Yeah she done you wrong no doubt, At least you didn't marry the 'B' and have a few kids with her. Now that would be real misery. ( sorry I always look for the positive) In a while you'll know what to do when you meet that real love.

[J_9]

J9 you stated that women are emotional creatures. Well, I'm not disputing that but society and popular culture has sort of made men out to be these animals that care about only one about sex and as soon as we get it were gone. As you know from reading posts here that is not true at all. Now I will admit to you that I'm more emotional person than normal but it has been my experience that men in genernal take a break up harder than women. I understand putting up a wall but if your going to break up with someone sticking the knife in the heart on the way out the door just isn't the way to do it. That's just my opionion.


As far as waking up goes. Try and read a book before you sleep. Generally when I do that I dream and wake up thinking about what I read.

Chuff, I think you misunderstood me. Women are openly emotional creatures. We cry in public, we hug other women... etc. We are emotionally open, whereas men keep a lot of their feelings closed up.

It is not my personal belief that once men "get it" they are gone. Men are just as emotional as women, but they show it in different ways.

So, that said... Some women who do not want to show their emotions are rude and hurtful so that it makes the break easier for them.

That is all I was trying to say. Didn't mean for a misunderstanding. Just did not put it in the right words.

[BlazingCold]

Is there a possibility of reconciliation? Not that I'm actively looking for it, just want to know if it's possible considering how she left and how long we've been together

By the way, she also said that she wanted to leave because she was afraid she might do something "bad". She's talked about her fear of her perceived lack of self-control. With her new circle of friends, she feels like she has to repay kindness in any way that will make the other person happy.

While this will be a dumb comment, I just want to get it off my chest: Why do nice guys who treat people with the utmost respect fail? I loved her with all my heart and she stabs me! Why even try anymore?

[Geoffersonairplane]

By the way, she also said that she wanted to leave because she was afraid she might do something "bad". She's talked about her fear of her perceived lack of self-control. With her new circle of friends, she feels like she has to repay kindness in any way that will make the other person happy.

While this will be a dumb comment, I just want to get it off my chest: Why do nice guys who treat people with the utmost respect fail? I loved her with all my heart and she stabs me! Why even try anymore?

Hi there,

Your sitiation seems remarkably similar to mine... Now without going on about my situation, lets talk about yours.

You sound as if you are a caring, considerate man and had true feelings for her and the hurt must be unbearable, I know it is for me ove rmy ex. My ex said to me "I'm scared that if I stay with you any longer, I will cheat on you" A bit more direct but what she was basically saying was that I was her first real relationship. I met her when I was 23, she was 17. 3 Years on, she wanted to breakup, that was 2 months ago... Since then she has been going out with friends, having fun.. I know this because I bumped into her brother and he told me that was what was going on.. I have a feeling she wanted to experiment..

Now to your situation, she said to you she wanted out because she was afraid she would do something bad... This is very likely to mean cheating on you.. Sorry if this hurts and I don't want to make it any worse for you but I think this is realistic.

Also, she obviously knows that you are too good to be cheated on, hence the fact that she has decided to walk before doing such a thing.. So she must respect you.. She knows you are good.

I think you can do better, I think I can do better than my ex... I know it does not help people saying that because until our hearts mend, it is hard to move on..

One thing you need to remember is that IF she did come back to you, (and I don't want to create false hope) would you be willing to accept that she wanted to "sow her wild oats" and then come back to you knowing full well what happened outside the relationship. If you could accept that, fair enough, after all she is now a free agent but don't be second best, don't be the doormat.. Remember, you are worth more than that and she is too young to appreciate the qualities you had while you were with her.

Learn from your mistakes in the relationship and work on changing the things that you can..

My hands are hurting from all this typing so I can't say anymore but take care!!

[talaniman]

By the way, she also said that she wanted to leave because she was afraid she might do something "bad". She's talked about her fear of her perceived lack of self-control. With her new circle of friends, she feels like she has to repay kindness in any way that will make the other person happy.

While this will be a dumb comment, I just want to get it off my chest: Why do nice guys who treat people with the utmost respect fail? I loved her with all my heart and she stabs me! Why even try anymore?

Unfortunately we all fall in love and hope it is THE LOVE we have fallen for. No matter how much of ourselves we put in it, the other person may not feel the same way. So of course when they leave, for whatever reason we go bonkers because we can't understand why the would leave after all we have given. What we need to accept, but seldom do, is they don't love us the same as we love them. No one wants to be dumped for whatever reason, rejection hurts like hell. But when people are not on the same page and have different ideas about the future a break-up is inevitable. We who are hurt take a long time to move on because it takes a long time to accept it. AS we grow and become more experienced we know how to better handle these situation because most of us go through many relationships before we find the one that is for us.

[BlazingCold]

I need someone to tell me she's not coming back. I tell that to myself but it doesn't seem to be working.

[Choosy]

Hi Buddy I am also going through a similar kind of situation.I still feel like I have lost something.But then I thought if she doesn't bother me then why should I.I have been sleepless for almost 2 months.still not able to forget her completely.But, It is a part of life,old things make way for new things.So always be hopeful

[BlazingCold]

Hi there,

Your sitiation seems remarkably similar to mine...Now without going on about my situation, lets talk about yours.

You sound as if you are a caring, considerate man and had true feelings for her and the hurt must be unbearable, I know it is for me ove rmy ex. My ex said to me "I'm scared that if I stay with you any longer, I will cheat on you" A bit more direct but what she was basically saying was that I was her first real relationship. I met her when I was 23, she was 17. 3 Years on, she wanted to breakup, that was 2 months ago...Since then she has been going out with friends, having fun..I know this because I bumped into her brother and he told me that was what was going on..I have a feeling she wanted to experiment..

Now to your situation, she said to you she wanted out because she was afraid she would do something bad...This is very likely to mean cheating on you..Sorry if this hurts and I don't want to make it any worse for you but I think this is realistic.

Also, she obviously knows that you are too good to be cheated on, hence the fact that she has decided to walk before doing such a thing..So she must respect you..She knows you are good.

I think you can do better, I think I can do better than my ex...I know it does not help people saying that because until our hearts mend, it is hard to move on..

One thing you need to remember is that IF she did come back to you, (and I don't want to create false hope) would you be willing to accept that she wanted to "sow her wild oats" and then come back to you knowing full well what happened outside the relationship. If you could accept that, fair enough, after all she is now a free agent but don't be second best, don't be the doormat..Remember, you are worth more than that and she is too young to appreciate the qualities you had while you were with her.

Learn from your mistakes in the relationship and work on changing the things that you can..

My hands are hurting from all this typing so I can't say anymore but take care!!!!!!!!

I've read your post, and we are in quite a similar situation. While I wish both of us were with the ones we love, it's helpful to know that I'm not the only one going through this.

The day before, I came home from college for the weekend. I was really looking forward to seeing her. Usually she's very happy and calls me when I come home, wanting to see me right away. This time was different. I called her and asked her what's up, she then said she forgot, and seemed unnaturally distraught about it. I said don't worry about it. Then she told me that she worries about me, and that it's affecting her own social life. Again I said I'm fine, and to enjoy your friends.

When she came over later, she couldn't look me in the eye. She just looked like if you pushed her, she'd just fall over, unresponsively. I kept asking what's wrong but not really getting a straight answer. Then she wanted me to go with her! We had a good time, with me making jokes and her seemingly happy and smiling and laughing, When we were alone again, she clammed up, which really began to frustrate me, because I couldn't get her out of it. Then she left, leaving me puzzled.

If she knew she was leaving me, why come over? Why spend time with me? Why laugh and joke and kiss me, knowing all the while she couldn't stand me?