[ConfusdRomantic]

All right to start from the beginning. I was in college and decided to move because I thought I would be able to provide a better life for myself. Prior to moving I met a girl who I worked with. It became love at first sight. We dated for a little while (6 months) during which time she was aware I was going to move. We tried to do a long distance relationship but it didn't work out before she was able to visit me. Our... Well my plan was to have her visit in hopes of liking it there and moving to be with me. I did visit her while seeing family twice, I believe. Since then we kept in contact and I saw her once a year or so to hang out. I still had very strong feelings for her while away or seeing her. When we first broke up I took that time to experiment and be with other people but not on an emotional level. From there I thought I would take time to "find myself" and mature a bit to be a better person. Well three years later I see her again and all over again I fall for her. The last day back home we hung out and nothing happened. When I got to my parents house I was talking to her online. She told me that she had feelings to but didn't want to watch me leave again. In such excitement I thought it would be "romantic" to show up at her door to show just how much I care. I did and I was told I was crazy, later she said it wasn't the right words. On my flight back to where I live I realize she was right that it is over and I needed to move on. Well I ended up meeting a friend a few days later and she introduces me to a friend of hers. We hit it off initially and for the first part it was lust. We continued to hang out and eventually got into a relationship. I talked to some people (family, close friends) telling them I wasn't sure if I was really feeling the emotions for a relationship with her. Well the relationship progress on the advise I should give it a chance. Sooner then later we moved in together and to be honest I had no problems with it. This girl was amazing, she was caring and compassionate, she knew how to cook (I'm not sexist I cook also), the sex was amazing, and we had so many things in common. Unfortunately I felt like something was missing, that the "spark" wasn't there. For the longest time I couldn't figure out what it was. Well it was a couples counselors advise that got me thinking. She said that "spark" is what gives the relationship that fire, lust, and desire to continue. But it doesn't last forever and only comes back occasionally and it is love that holds the relationship long term. Well I knew I loved this girl but wasn't in love and felt like I missed that spark. I tried everything I could think of to help find it. Well I took her away for our one year anniversary, I thought getting away and spending time in a romantic spot would help me, it didn't. We recently separated on my wishes and it has been killing me watching her this upset. At the same time the other girl has begun talking to me online again. For the record I did not talk to her once while in the current relationship. While talking to her she tells me she remembers everything about "us" and we start to talk about times we have shared together. I know that won't work out because of the distance and now she says she is moving to a different state to be with her boyfriend. I KNOW it won't work and I know she isn't doing anything to lead me on, at least intentionally. But my heart just doesn't want to give up. While that's the case I feel like I SHOULD be in love with the current girl. The new girl has told me she is "in love" and will wait for me. The REASON I broke up was because I felt it wasn't fair to her to continue a relationship I knew we didn't share the same level of emotion. Just so people aren't bashing on me let me clarify a few things. I am going on 26 and have been in numerous relationships that spanned about 1 year. I know I have been in love once and loved two others. This post was as much help from readers as it is for me to just get it out of me and write it down. Any input would be great. Oh and she hasn't moved out yet. She couldn't afford an apartment initially and wanted to save up money and I allowed her to stay, it's going on two months now. It isn't that awkward for me because I still care for her and also we rarely see each other because of scheduling with work. She left today and I feel like a part of me is gone, the house seems so empty. I guess my question is has anyone else felt like this? And a big question I need to settle on my own is did I make a mistake and was she "the one"?

[Scleros]

And a big question I need to settle on my own is did I make a mistake and was she "the one"?

Observation: If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, you've only got one bird in the bush even if it is the "one" bird. And, if it was actually the ONE, it would be in hand... instead of in the bush.

You're right. It is something you need to make peace with on your own. No one can tell you if she was the "one" or even close to your ideal "one", which I think is a flawed and fatalistic perspective and approach on life anyway. But, only time will tell and by then it may be too late. There is a saying "Life is what happens while you're busy making plans" (John Lennon?). No one is going to be 100% your ideal "one", so the question then becomes what % of your ideal is sufficient and acceptable for you to endeavor to make it work. Let's say she is 95% your ideal one. How much are you willing to gamble that you will meet someone at some unknown future time that will provide an additional 0-5%? How long are you willing to wait to meet such a person? I think it would be a shame to spend your life planning, waiting, and searching for that additional uncertain 0-5% when you could be living the certain 95%.

[amicon]

Its normal to have regrets even if we re the ones who initiated the breakup.
Its not a good idea to remain under the same roof once you re split up-people need time on their own to regroup and heal from the broken relationship.
Your ex seems to be hovering in limbo hoping you ll get back together again, that s not a healthy place for her to be.

[annette88]

I just ended my relationship because l believed all my needs weren't being met but in the cold light of day that's rarely going to happen. Nothings perfect so lve lost out.

[talaniman]

I think you were not ready for commitment with your present ex, but wanted a live in g/f.

This happens a lot in today's world, but most couples who make the live together arrangement, get attached fast, but getting unattached is never easy.

If one partner always has a foot out of the door the other suffers. That comes with living together to early without a very firm commitment. That's not love, but a willingness to experiment with no plan if the experiment fails. (after the lust is gone: the honeymoon is over)

Of course your second guessing your choices now, your alone with a lot of time to think. That's normal in failed relationships, and yours failed because you weren't all the way in, and your skills at adjusting to the lack of "spark" was just not there.

Spark comes and goes, sometimes its dormant, but can be re-ignited if both partners want it to be. Clearly you didn't, or couldn't re-ignite that spark, and who knows, talking it over with your partner may have helped.

You want a long term relationship, that gets you through the lean times, as well as the good, be willing to work with your partner through honest communications. So having honest communications is the key to any relationship. Working together is the other part you have to be willing to do.

That's what keeps you learning, and growing together, and fanning that ever elusive spark back to life.

I guess your not ready for that level of work.

Failed relationship experiments require healing, and a return to positive health, and it just may be you didn't get through the whole process with your Long Distance ex. For sure, if nothing changes, and your current lady leaves, healing is what you will need again.