[stevetcg]

Of course not. That's the dumbest thing ever said.

Now how do I convince my wife that just because I make the money (she is a stay at home mom to our 2 terrors) doesn't mean that she doesn't get to spend it and doesn't get an equal say in how it is spent.

Ive tried the "were partners, equals, you work too" approach and she doesn't seem to be convinced. She wants to get a job after the kids are in bed so she can make some of "her own" money to spend on the kids and other household things.

Items of note: Financially we are doing well. There is more than enough money for everything plus all the fun things we like. The only thing I have EVER told her she can't buy is a dog and not because of the money. I work and do the cooking and outside stuff. She takes care of the kids and does all the cleaning. We share after workday kid details (games, baths, etc). She has full access to all accounts as well as an accounting of how every penny is spent (quicken).

Any advice?

[JudyKayTee]

I can answer from my personal experience - but I don't know if this is right or wrong in the terms of what works for other people.

I believe you know I married a Doctor of Pharmacy. His income was sufficient to support us and our household.

I worked before he met me. I worked during our marriage, even though he felt I should stay home, concentrate on being his wife (even though he worked!), take time off. I thought that I needed to keep my identity. I did cut back to part-time and during his final months I totally stopped working - but then I picked it up again when he died.

It wasn't about the money; it wasn't about sharing or not sharing; it was about who I was, my identity, getting out and about.

We didn't have separate accounts. All of our money went into the same accounts and both of us could sign checks, withdraw money. "My" money wasn't earmarked for anything special.

I think a woman has to have her own identity, beyond being a wife and a Mom (both important jobs) and maybe that is what your wife is seeking.

Maybe - ?

[redhed35]

Sometimes its not about the money,but mixing in the adult world.

I assume you meet a variety of people every day,and have lots to talk about when you get home.

Even though your wife may be happy with her life at home,perhaps she is feeling unfulfilled.

Working outside the home brings about new challenges,new people and new experiences,maybe she wants more,maybe she wants to grow.

If a parttime job will create a happy woman,the knock on effect will be a happy wife and mother..

Having freedom within any relationship is so important,and to feel like your not just the wife and mother,but someone who can contribute more to society.

[stevetcg]

sometimes its not about the money,but mixing in the adult world.

i assume you meet a variety of people every day,and have lots to talk about when you get home.

even though your wife may be happy with her life,perhaps she is feeling unfulfilled in your life.

working outside the home brings about new challenges,new people and new experiences,maybe she wants more,maybe she wants to grow.

if a parttime job will create a happy woman,the knock on effect will be a happy wife and mother..

having freedom within any relationship is so important,and to feel like your not just the wife and mother,but someone who can contribute more to society.

I actually work from home and get out less than she does. Im basically here, I do the grocery shopping or I'm out with her with or without the kids. My hobbies are at home (computers and carpentry) - so its not that my world is "bigger" than hers.

Thanks for the response though.

[Fr_Chuck]

Want to trade wife's ? OK kidding but my wife ( OK future wife) has no trouble spending my money.

But it is always "your" money if you earn it, even if you give her a household allowance or put it into a joint account. Many women feel the need to earn their own money and feel they are doing some on their own.

So they want to work outside the home, or perhaps some home business, that is and should be great if they want to

[stevetcg]

Judy - that was another concern that we addressed a while back. The resolution to that was volunteer work which she wanted to get involved with and going back to school.

Near as I can tell this is purely a financial issue - and only just came up because her unemployment checks stopped coming. She has been under a lot of stress lately because her mobility has been limited (knee surgery next week) but she has been very much hung up on money as long as we've been together. I just can't comprehend it since I don't care about money much (after all obligations are met, of course)

[stevetcg]

want to trade wifes ? ok kidding but my wife ( ok future wife) has no trouble spending my money.

But it is always "your" money if you earn it, even if you give her a household allowance or put it into a joint account. Many women feel the need to earn thier own money and feel they are doing some on thier own.

So they want to work outside the home, or perhaps some home business, that is and should be great if they want to

I guess that's where I fall off the thinking... she DOES work. I wouldn't want to take care of the kids all day long. You couldn't pay me enough. She earns everything she spends and then some. Its not like she even wants to buy things for herself. She wants to buy the usual household crap from Target like paper towels and dish soap.

:confused:

[JudyKayTee]

want to trade wifes ? ok kidding but my wife ( ok future wife) has no trouble spending my money.

What? You've learned NOTHING! You haven't heard a word I said! WHAT?

[Fr_Chuck]

What? You've learned NOTHING! You haven't heard a word I said! WHAT?

Well don't want to steal steves question, but as I love to call her my newest ex wife to be.

[JudyKayTee]

Judy - that was another concern that we addressed a while back. The resolution to that was volunteer work which she wanted to get involved with and going back to school.

Near as I can tell this is purely a financial issue - and only just came up because her unemployment checks stopped coming. She has been under a lot of stress lately because her mobility has been limited (knee surgery next week) but she has been very much hung up on money as long as we've been together. I just can't comprehend it since I dont care about money much (after all obligations are met, of course)

Hmm - and maybe it is a financial issue.

This is nothing I'm posting for the first time but following my divorce I had some serious financial problems, worked 1 full time and 2 part time jobs trying to keep a roof over my head. When I met my late husband I had a TERRIBLE time spending "his" money - and he was a very generous man (also emotionally, physically, in all ways other than financial). He actually got angry with me because I simply wouldn't sign a check for anything, including household expenses. It got to the point where he opened "my" checking account and put money in it for me. Otherwise, I dragged him shopping with me and asked permission to make a purchase. I eventually got over it - took about 6 months - but it was like cultural shock to me.

I went from driving a 15 year old Chevy to a high end new import in less than 8 weeks. This is the stuff of both dreams and nightmares.

Was she having a rough time of things? She may very well need to just give "it" some time, settle down a bit.

I see this as an issue which resolves itself - she may just need that extra bit of security.

[redhed35]

I always had to earn my money,I was reared on a diet of 'pay cash,don't get credit'

If I can't afford it I don't buy it.

Money has always been an issue,as a child growing up,a teenager,a wife,an ex wife and now independent..

The need to look after myself and provide for myself is so ingrained in my D.N.A,I can't accept an ice cream cone without having to pay it back somehow.

My point is,if your wife has always contributed to the finances of the house,and now her check has stopped,maybe she has just gone into panic mode,and feels the need to provide the rainey day money.

In today's economy a second income is not such a bad idea.

[stevetcg]

Was she having a rough time of things? She may very well need to just give "it" some time, settle down a bit.

I see this as an issue which resolves itself - she may just need that extra bit of security.

Came from an abusive relationship where she was cut off from everyone and not allowed to spend money - but we've been together over 3 years and she has worked through most of the stuff there, we thought.

[JudyKayTee]

Came from an abusive relationship where she was cut off from everyone and not allowed to spend money - but we've been together over 3 years and she has worked through most of the stuff there, we thought.

Ahh, but the shadows hide in the corners for a very long time.

I think she has worked out most of the stuff - and she very well may find that the working world is not half the "fun" she thought it would be.

As I said - in my case it wasn't a case of "not being allowed" to spend money. I simply didn't have any. It took a long time to get over that.

[I wish]

It sounds like you're wife wants to work for personal reasons and not for the money. So instead of telling her that she doesn't need the extra cash, why don't you really talk to her and see why she wants to work.

My take is that she wants to boost her self-esteem and be more independent. Again, it has nothing to do with getting extra cash. That's just the reason she provided for you.

Came from an abusive relationship where she was cut off from everyone and not allowed to spend money - but we've been together over 3 years and she has worked through most of the stuff there, we thought.

She had a rough past. Try to be more understanding of her situation. She needs to do this for herself and not just for the family.

[talaniman]

Talaniman Rule- Never stop a female who is willing, from working.

Unless your afraid of your own terrors at home (kids).

Let her work, its no big deal.

[stevetcg]

Im not trying to stop her from working. I want her to do whatever makes her happy... that's all I care about. I would love it if she would work and put the kids in daycare... if that's what she wants to do. But its not.

She just wants her own money.

Ahhh..!

[I wish]

Im not trying to stop her from working. I want her to do whatever makes her happy... thats all I care about.

Then let her work.

I would love it if she would work and put the kids in daycare... if thats what she wants to do. But its not.

Why not? Sounds like a fair compromise. If she's not at home, she can't have as much attention on the kids. She can't expect you to add on an extra load just because she wants to work. You need to develop a stronger communication system where you can explain things to each other and find the best solution.

She just wants her own money.

So let her. You're not the stay at home dad. I'm sure you wouldn't feel very comfortable only spending her money if she was the only one working.

[rockie100]

This need of hers to earn her own money could be, not only from that past bad relationship, but from how she was raised. My father instilled it in me to work for my own money. I think I understand her need to work more than I understand what your problem is with it.

[talaniman]

Does she expect you to stay with the kids as opposed to the daycare idea?

[stevetcg]

Does she expect you to stay with the kids as opposed to the daycare idea?

That's just it - she doesn't want to work or put the kids in daycare... she just doesn't want to spend "my" money.