[mackenzie]

My son has become very angry and abusive to his parents, because he claims that the private high school he helped select is an awful place. He is a sophomore this year. He said he didn't like the schhol last year, but had a pretty good year, got good grades, played fottball, and made friends. This year, he was injured early in football season and hasn't played, is getting terrible grades, and was suspended for 10 days for getting into a fight in the cafeteria. He is depressed and angry, and he makes sure everyone knows it. He came from a public school background, where he was well liked by his peers, but got into occasional trouble. I have offered to send him to the public high school where his former friends go, but he says they all hate him now because he went to a private school. He claims he will be beaten up at the public school, and that there are no solutions to his problems. The only good thing he has in his life is his girlfriend. He despises me, saying that he was my lab rat in a private school experiment. He holds me solely repsonsible for the state of his life. I have tried to sit down with him to find a solution, but he says there isn't one. After one of these discussions, he cries, maybe punches a few holes in my walls, and goes to sleep, drained and depressed. I can't stand to see him this way and need some guidance in how I can help relieve his problems, short of moving away. He is so different from the fun loving, happy child I have always known and I really hate to see him in such despair. Any suggestions are welcomed,

[oh baby 123]

You canot let him get what he wants. He is doing this so you will let him go back to normal school. Its helping his grades so it is overall better for him. You have to remember these grades will decide his future. They will help him get into a college or effect a no.

[Fr_Chuck]

Get him into professional counseling, there is more to this issue.

A laymans opinion, as a football player he got attention, and was the "big man". Thus his ego was fulfilled and his need for attention was meet. Since he is not playing due to an injury, he feels he is no body now,

Next if he is getting into fights, it is a sign, a cry for help for something.
Sending him back to public school in my opinion would only make it worst, because of the eviorment in most public schools.

It could be he is finding new "friends" with different values now that he feels shun or feels he can not hang with the jocks at this time.

Private tutor to help with the grades, also

Next as a parent, we are not there to be their friends, some of our choices are going to be tough and they may think they hate us for a while, but in years to come they come back and thank us for it. So don't be a friend, don't worry what he thinks about you, do what is best for him, even if it is kicking his rear at times

[wizzkid89]

He obviously feels pissed about you changing schools on him and combined with the fact that he is depressed about not being able to play football is the likely catalyst for his sudden aggression. However don't underestimate the socially crippling effects of changing schools, as I have been through it 3 times, and one of those times were really hard. I agree that conseling might be a good idea for your son because he has misplaced aggression that needs to be worked out. I don't believe he needs a tutor as much as an attitude adjustment because he obviously got good grades last year, I just think his depression is taking away from his schoolwork. So really if you can fix the root of this problem, his anger for you changing his school and the injury/lack of attention from not being able to play football, and all the little problems will be fixed as well. Just tell your son that you are there for him and you care what he is going through, that you are there to help him succeed as a person and that you as a team can get through his "dark times". Make sure he understands you are on his side, although it might be tough, but just tell him that although it might seem tough now it will work itself out and everything will be fine in the end. Just remember that from his point of view, you took his life away. I know that might seem like a drastic acusation and it is... but when a parent does that to their kid, that is what the kid thinks. The move took away his school, friends, all his familiars and it's hard to re-adjust after something like that. And I honestly think this is something that is going to be fixed through time as he adjusts to his new surroundings and lifestyle. A counselor might speed up the process but it really is a "time-heal" type of scenario because he has to basically regrow his roots and gain some stability in his life. I think he is just angry because his life has been shaken up, and right now he doesn't understand why and all he is trying to do is find some stable ground. Just hang in there with him, it will all turn out all right...

[s_cianci]

As Fr. Chuck said, I, too, believe that there's more to this situation. He could be suffering from clinical depression. He should have a full medical evaluation to rule out a chemical imbalance. If any is found, anti-depressant medication can be prescribed. Some adjusting may be necessary until the right drug and the right dosage is found.

[mackenzie]

Thank you so much for your insights. I feel as though some of my gut reactions are on target, and feel more comfortable in the path I think I should take. Sometimes, as a mother, we look for ways to ease the anquish quickly, maybe instead we need to work through this methodically. Both Fr Chuck and Wizzkid have differing opinions, but the theme is the same; I shouldn't feel bad that we sent him to what we believe is a great school. Even he has said: " I love my teachers, they're great, but I can't go into the cafeteria and eat lunch with them." This is about something else, whether it be his ego or loss of being "big man on campus", we need to isolate the issues and work through them as a family. We are going to try a therapist together. My son has agrred, indicating only that it must be a man, who has been involved in sports. I think we can meet that demand. Thank you much for taking the time to read my posting and respond. I feel much more hopeful now. Thank you again.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes so often the person with the issue don't even know they have one, and don't really know what the problem was. After the death of my first wife and my one son getting into legal problems, I became very, very depressed. I worked everyday ( and carried at gun as part of my work)
It was scary looking back at it. I was getting great job reviews, but had no personal or social life what so ever.

Some wonderful people helped me get things back into focus. But I treated them like ( well bad) during the time they were trying to help me.

[lovelesspa]

My son has become very angry and abusive to his parents, because he claims that the private high school he helped select is an awful place. He is a sophmore this year. He said he didn't like the schhol last year, but had a pretty good year, got good grades, played fottball, and made friends. This year, he was injured early in football season and hasn't played, is getting terrible grades, and was suspended for 10 days for getting into a fight in the cafeteria. He is depressed and angry, and he makes sure everyone knows it. He came from a public school background, where he was well liked by his peers, but got into occasional trouble. I have offered to send him to the public high school where his former friends go, but he says they all hate him now because he went to a private school. He claims he will be beaten up at the public school, and that there are no solutions to his problems. The only good thing he has in his life is his girlfriend. He despises me, saying that he was my lab rat in a private school experiment. He holds me solely repsonsible for the state of his life. I have tried to sit down with him to find a solution, but he says there isn't one. After one of these discussions, he cries, maybe punches a few holes in my walls, and goes to sleep, drained and depressed. I can't stand to see him this way and need some guidance in how I can help relieve his problems, short of moving away. He is so different from the fun loving, happy child I have always known and I really hate to see him in such despair. Any suggestions are welcomed,

It sounds like you both need a time out, can you spend a couple of days, maybe camping, fishing, just the two you, how about a long car trip?? Right now any school would suck to him, he's friends think he is above them cause he went to a private and he's just mad at the world, without football he's life doesn't seem to have real meaning to him, check out your local groups for teen groups, or sessions where he can talk to others his age. Try to let him know you understand (even if you don"t) and never give up. There's a lot of teen hot lines and free groups that can aid you, check your local churches, they will help, even if your not affliated with them, Keep trying, it turns around, it just feels like it's hopeless!!

[Jack2794]

Hi,

I hope you don't think I'm being funny but maybe he's doing it for attention, you have given him the option of going back to his old school with his friends and he rejected it, you've done all you can.
Don't beat yourself up about it you're doing all you can and I know you have his best interests in mind!
I think he might benefit from outside help.
Hope he feel's better soon!

Jack

[DoYouRealliMeanThat]

Find out what he actually wants and work your way around that