[KNC2009]

Okay so I have to turn this paragraph into a really tough teacher. It's really important to me that is flows well and has a strong topic sentence and conculsion. So can you please give me any suggestions.





Good attendance at school is important to a student's success in many ways. By not coming to class, students diminish the value of their education. If a student was to continually not show up, the instructor would believe they were irresponsible. It is proven that students who attend class 85 percent to 100 percent of the time pass statewide tests in reading and math at much higher rates. In addition to testing lower than those with good attendance, the students who do not show up will continuously struggle to catch up, and this may diminish their confidence and force them to give up. Another issue with students who have bad attendance is the fact that they are more likely to engage in delinquent and high risk behavior. On the other side of things those students who do have excellent attendance will more than likely get into the better colleges and have a more successful life overall. Having good attendance should always be an expectation you set and adhere to when it comes to school. Not only will your instructor perceive you as responsible and self-disciplined, but you will have better grades and higher test scores.

[HamAtom]

Hi there!

First of all, you've got some good points here. Be cool, stay in school. I like it. :)

Since I don't know what level writing you're in or how much of a stickler your teacher is, I'll just share with you a few things I know editors look for, okay?

You may want to use more of an "active voice" rather than a "passive voice" in some of these sentences. What that means, is that instead of saying "If a student was to continually not show up," you use something like "When a student continually fails to show up..." Basically, it's using those action verbs without the helping verbs (am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been) whenever possible. And if you use a singular noun like "students," it is better to use a singular pronoun like "he" or "she" instead of a plural pronoun like "they". So, "...the instructor tends to believe he or she is irresponsible." And you may want to follow up on that sentence a little, as well. Why is it important that my teacher sees me as responsible?

And I'm not sure if this is allowed to be an opinion essay or if it's a research thing, but if you've done research on it, make sure you cite your sources. If you have any questions on that, just ask.

"On the other side of things" needs a comma after it. And you may want to consider not using the word "things". Things is one of those words we all use, but professors and editors often find it a little too... imprecise. Kind of generic, which a lot of professors translate into lazy. Actually, you could say, "On the other side," or "On the flip side," or "Conversely," or something like that.

Also, never use the word "you" in an essay. It's an academic thing. Imagine you're speaking to all of academia instead of just writing an essay for your English teacher. Make it general and informative, not personal.

Other than that, you're ship shape. Even so, hand your paper off along with a red pen to as many people as will read it. Even if you only use half the suggestions people give, those are still improvements on your essay, right? Writing's kind of one of those never-ending journeys. There's always something that can be adjusted or altered or improved.

Anyway, best of luck on your essay. Hope you get an A! I would advise you to stay in school, but... heh. Looks like I don't have to. ;)

Blessings!
Hammy

[palaroan]

Time came when her father arrived. He had been on the train for three days. Laura and her husband were waiting at the station. It was so wonderful of a father and daughter hugging each other; they really missed each other a lot.
Pa and Laura had so much fun reminiscing about the old days on their prairie home, until the old man suggested he is to set out in search for their old homestead. Laura felt crazy for her Pa's plan knowing that her father has heart ailment.

[ben_cool]

It rally good to be honest... I don't think it needz revising