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Love-Life · Oct 10, 2009, 04:35 AM

I have been in a relationship for 3 years, I am happy, I love him. He is perfect in everyway, everything I could ever ask for. But why do I constantly have urges to cheat? My boyfriend is sexually appealing and his personality is perfect, but I still have urges to cheat on him? I never thought I would go through with it, but a few weeks ago I almost did. Nothing happened physically but it easily could have. How can I stop feeling the desire to cheat? Not only because it is morally wrong in every aspect, I love my boyfriend so much I would never want to jeopardize our relationship or hurt him. But I can't make these feelings go away help!

bronzebabe · Oct 10, 2009, 08:11 AM

You simply cannot be "happy" or you would not want to cheat. See a psychologist to see if you can get help before you do something that will destroy your relationship forever.

redhed35 · Oct 10, 2009, 08:36 AM

Having fantisies are not uncommon
Even in the best relationships,
When they start interfering in your reality,that's when they become a problem.

Perhaps try to ignite that spark back into your relationships,role play,dress up,mix things up,even the most perfect relationships can become stale from time to time.

artlady · Oct 10, 2009, 09:03 AM

The rush that one gets from new sexual encounters can become an addiction for some people.
They get hooked on the passion and need that intense stimulation to feel good.
I suggest you try some new things with your partner.Take it up a notch and see if that does not change your feelings.
Maybe some role playing where he is a stranger you meet in a bar can satisfy some of your fantasies.

Cat1864 · Oct 10, 2009, 11:46 AM

Is he maybe a little too perfect? When you get the urge is the object of the fantasy maybe a bit more on the wild side or at least looks like he is?

I wholeheartedly agree with redhed and artlady that adding spice to your relationship by keeping things from getting stale will probably help.

It is very easy to fall into patterns in a relationship that get boring and way too predictable. It is also extremely easy to take the other person's presence for granted. That is where clear lines of communication come in to keep you both aware that the other person has needs and desires and how to keep you both FULLY satisfied.

Something else you might try, when you find yourself fantasizing about the other men, insert your boyfriend in their place. Turn the fantasy about them into him.

Jake2008 · Oct 10, 2009, 02:17 PM

You need to grow up.

When you are in a committed relationship, it is a union, partership, and trusting bond between two people, not three, and not imaginary lovers.

If you are starting to head in the direction that so many do, and selfishly think that a fling is at the top of your 'to do' list, then do your boyfriend a favour, and split with him first. You have already cheated on him once, and you don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out the probability that it will happen again.

I suspect that your relationship has run its course in the three years you have been together. There is no challenge left, and likely you are not mature enough to develop the relationship further, if you are thinking of other men, and other possibilities.

There isn't anything necessarily wrong with changing, or wanting another type of life that affords you the freedom to pursue other men.

What is wrong in my opinion, is the rift you are creating that will ultimately ruin the relationship, and break your boyfriends heart.

sandalwood7 · Oct 11, 2009, 04:33 PM

I don't know how old you are or how much experience you have, but it sounds to me like you may be young and want and need to experience what life has to offer before you settle down. It doesn't sound to me like you have found 'the one', your life partner, whatever you want to call it. I have been through a similar experience when I was young and it turned out that this was the wrong relationship for me after all. I was young and I had not found the right person for me. I left the relationship and the experience I have had since has allowed me to discover more about myself, my sexuality and what I want from a relationship. In other words I am a better person for being honest with myself and my ex.

You need to think about what this relationship means to you. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side so don't make a mistake. Do you really see yourself being with your perfect BF forever? Or are there other needs (non-sexual) that your relationship with him does not fulfill?

I think it is normal to admire other men from time to time and perhaps even have occasional fantasies about other men. Let me tell you though, that fantasies can become very dangerous if you act on them outside your relationship. The closer they are to home and the more personal they are, the more dangerous they become. Try and understand your fantasies and sexuality because if you do understand yourself in this way, you can use this understanding to your advantage. If you understand your fantasies and what turns you on then you have much more control over them. Some people can get very turned on by hearing about their partners fantasies (is this something you could talk about with your BF?)

My advice to you, like some people have said above, would be to try and spice things up in your relationship. Explore your sexuality with your BF. Take your sex-life to new heights if you can by trying new things. If that doesn't work, then try and be honest with your BF.

The important thing is whether you want to stay with your current BF. Do you value your relatiomnship enough? You have been in a relationship for 3 years. Your partner deserves honesty. You also need to be honest with yourself. . If you are young, don't be too hard on yourself, because it is very hard to know what you want in a realtiomship when you don't have experience. But don't cheat. Cheating will only make you feel very bad within yourself and you will always feel bad for doing it.

jmjoseph · Oct 11, 2009, 05:15 PM

How old are you?

You're in the unfortunate position of having found your life partner too soon. You normally would have gotten all of your "playing the field" out of your system had you dated more guys early on.

But now, you don't want to blow it. You'll regret it forever if this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with.

So, what to do? You LOOK just like the rest of us, and that's all.

BEHAVE yourself.

That or break up with this guy, break his heart, get all the wild out of your system, and roll the dice on what you end up with.

Gemini54 · Oct 11, 2009, 06:28 PM

The way to get rid of your urges to cheat is to understand what motivates them.

I think some self analysis is called for - feelings and urges can be controlled. But first you need to understand them.

Do you attract the attention of other men in the way that you behave?
Do you have the opportunity to cheat on your partner because you do things separately?
Do you like to take risks and crave novelty and excitement?
Alternatively, is your life lacking novelty or excitement?
Do you find the concept of commitment and fidelity difficult in practice?
Have you been exposed to cheating in your life - as an example, did your parents cheat?

If you can analyze what the triggers are both in your personality and in your environment that stimulate these 'cheating urges', then perhaps you can better understand where they come from and how you might deal with them.

In any case, it does sound as if your current relationship deserves greater focus. If it's as good as you say then concentrate on putting more effort into it.

TexasParent · Dec 15, 2010, 01:52 PM

Perhaps the question really isn't about sex and cheating, perhaps it's about her need for approval. Has she enjoyed the attention of other men always, even in this relationship and now it's developed into a fantasy of cheating? Clearly, her needs are not being met, are those needs balanced or healthy; is her boyfriend a decent enough guy, but not the attentive type? Does she have a past where sex = love, approval, attention?

I think that you need to ask yourself, why? It's not enough that all of us advisors scream at you about cheaters, for you to truly understand what is going on and to make a decision moving forward, you need to ask yourself the first question, honestly to yourself, why?

CravenMorhead · Dec 15, 2010, 03:19 PM

TexasParent. Please be careful of the date of the post you're responding to. This one is over a year old and the poster hasn't posted anything to this site in six months. It is doubtful that you will the original poster will see this.

Going through the archives is good for informational purposes but if a thread is that far back, the chances of any meaningful difference being made is slight.

Cheers