[demetria1870]

I'm new to this site and a little shaky about asking questions, but here goes...

My husband cheated on my two years ago. I trusted him with the utmost and to find out he was cheating was hard... very hard. We have four children together (2 mine, 1 his, 1 together)... we have custody of ALL the children so they are all ours. I kept the phone bill with all the calls he was making to these women (yeah, it wasn't just one) and all the calls they were making to him. He has never told me ANYTHING about anything... I had to research own my own to find out who these women were. There is still one nagging number on the bill and I know that he won't come clean, but until I get closure (if that's possible) I don't think I could "leave it alone"! And on top of all of that to deal with, his biological daughter (she's 14) told us that she was gay in April... that is another HARD issue that I am dealing with, especially since my biological daughter (she's 13) shares a bed with her. His daughter whom mother is NOT in the picture has always caused major problems in our home from one thing to another. I had claimed her as my own but just found out that she goes around telling people that I am her "step-mother" which I am but we have talked to the kids a long time ago that we don't have any "steps" in our house. Her mom doesn't call her or write and haven't for some years now. Basically, I am ticked with both of them (her father and her) because it's like it's one thing after another with both of them. Her father thinks that she is some helpless princess that he treats like gold, while I know better!! Any advice... this is just the overview of my story, trust me there is plenty more, but it would probably end up being a book! Thank you for any and all advice!! :confused:

[Catsmine]

First bit of advice, not really related to your problems but to your questions; please use paragraphs, they make long posts much easier to read and make sense of.

Second, get bunk beds for the girls.

Third, can he afford the child support and alimony if it goes real bad?

[demetria1870]

You think I really should get bunk beds for the girls... that's my mom's advice and my pastor's, guess I just need that THIRD confirmation!

Oh, yes he makes good money... but is a divorce worth it (weighing my pros and cons)... I forgot to mention that I found out he had a "secret" email that I found earlier THIS year. He (was/is) into to porn pretty bad. He said he had it to look up stuff on You Tube, but I watch Judge Judy on You Tube all the time and I have NEVER needed an email account to view things... what you think?

Thank you for the heads up about the paragraphs, I apologize... I'm just ticked/confused right now... should I mention this stuff to him because right now he thinks that things are going good... like I stated before the affairs (phone calls as he puts it) were two years ago!

[demetria1870]

He was on the phone with two of the women for hours at a time for months, but he still says there were no sexual contact, visits, or money exchanged, just phone calls?? Should I believe that??

[Catsmine]

Do you have any other evidence of cheating besides the phone bills? Phone sex is cheating but you are at much less risk.

Don't get me started on Pornography. I find Freddy Krueger a LOT more obscene than Jenna Jameson.

[jham123]

He was on the phone with two of the women for hours at a time for months, but he still says there were no sexual contact, visits, or money exchanged, just phone calls??? Should I believe that???

I would not. Are the numbers local? Within a 200 mile radius?

[Cat1864]

I have a very important question for you to ask yourself:

If you don't trust him or believe him and you have so many problems with him and his daughter, WHY are you still living with him and/or married to him?

[runrunrun]

Hi !
Can I ask you how he met these women?
If he is on the phone for hours at a time with both this is both taking money from your family and emotional time he should be sharing with you. It doesn't matter if it is not sexual. This is highly degrading to you as a wife and human being.
My husband had an emotional affair but believe me when I read this story it makes me see just how bad it can get when the bug first bites. I got great comfort in first looking at our marriage from both sides. I realised that I wasn't the best wife in the world and could actually change some of the things I was doing to make things better.
Our marriage is getting better and there is at last peace in our home. However, I will warn you if you choose to take this path it is really bumpy and you should expect a rollercoaster ride to hell. The emotions run both high and low, sometimes they are high sometimes they are way down. Sometimes realistic sometimes not. So my advice is to you if you think that you are not strong enough to punish yourself in this way ( because it will feel like a punishment ) get out now and make him face up to all of his own problems. Only when he can be completely honest with you and face up to his daughters situation should you allow him to come back. ( His daughter is at least honest she has told you and him exactly what she wants and needs to be happy respect her for that )
Your husband is deceitful and very disrespectful. Look after yourself this hurts very deeply try not to let him pull you any further down. No one deserves this.

[talaniman]

Your girls are old enough for their own beds, and I would say that if your daughter was gay or not.

Also you should be on the same page with them, regarding how he treats all the kids.

Two years is a long time to hold on to resentments. They have festered it seems, and need to be resolved, as they can poison every part of your life.


Is he still cheating now?

[Jake2008]

You really have your hands full, and kudos to you for keeping it all together.

The core, as I see it, is built from the trust and shared responsibility by both parents. If things have unravelled, and you are carrying an unfair burden in raising the children, and all the other responsibilities on top of that, mostly alone, then I don't think just talking to him is going to solve this.

See if he would go to marriage counselling. Explain to him that you need to be heard, and you need to learn how to better your relationship with him, so that you regain that united front for the security and success of your family, and your marriage. While you are carrying the load, he is avoiding his responsibility. He should contribute half, and you should be able to count on him without reservation, to at least talk out the day to day problems, and, he needs to participate in the decisions made.

As to all the other women, I would also insist that that be dealt with in counselling. When you've had your trust knocket out of the atmosphere with several other women your husband is involved in, it has to be resolved one way or the other. Again, the trust issue. If he hasn't come clean about what he was doing, how can you trust him.

Have you suspected that it has been more than phone calls, and probably phone sex?

As to your 15 year old telling you she is gay. All of you need to educate yourselves on how to support her, and to clear up any misconceptions and prejudices you, and those around her, may have. Most schools now have referral resources for information, as well as researching online for assistance. The more you know, the easier it will be to get past the bunk bed issue, and really help and understand what she's going through.

Sorry this is so long, but one more thing. Set aside at least an hour, once a week, without kids. Spend some time with your husband over a cup of coffee (or a glass of wine), talking about your week, and things you need to discuss. That hour will give you some confidence to get through the week if you know that your needs and concerns will be heard without interruption.

I can only imagine how chaotic your life must be, but making some changes now may make the road easier for all of you.