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butterflynurse · Oct 7, 2009, 02:33 PM

I recently had a casual sexual encounter with a longtime crush.Problem is I have a doting devoted boyfriend whom I love very much.do you think it wise to tell him even though I stand the risk of losing him if I do?

honestadvisor · Oct 7, 2009, 02:55 PM

Are you crazy? If you were married I would not support such activities even in today's society where everything goes and morality is completely subjective. Understand that your morality is not his as both of you have developed your own values. If you tell him, you could crush him. Even if he is able to cope and "forgives you", he really will not and will use this against you in the future or use it as an excuse to do the same. The common theme in society today.is .no relations outside of the current one. While I do not acceptor condone premarital sex, if this is your chosen path then as long as you are not married, there was nothing wrong in what you did. Since you do not perceive sex as anything special, then why not share it with other people to whom you feel a bond and would like to take that bond a step further. BUT TO TELL HIM, unless you have an "open relationship" you do nothing but encourage your breakup. My point is very simple; as long as you are not married ( or living together or in a relationship leading to marriage) and you have no moral objection to premarital sex, then what you did is nothing more that you are doing with your current, I repeat, current, boyfriend. However, he will not see it this way so... do not tell him and if your were married, definitely do not tell him.

redhed35 · Oct 7, 2009, 03:00 PM

Originally Posted by honestadvisor

Are you crazy? If you were married I would not support such activities even in today's society where everything goes and morality is completely subjective. Understand that your morality is not his as both of you have developed your own values. If you tell him, you could crush him. Even if he is able to cope and "forgives you", he really will not and will use this against you in the future or use it as an excuse to do the same. The common theme in society today.is .no relations outside of the current one. While I do not acceptor condone premarital sex, if this is your chosen path then as long as you are not married, there was nothing wrong in what you did. Since you do not perceive sex as anything special, then why not share it with other people to whom you feel a bond and would like to take that bond a step further. BUT TO TELL HIM, unless you have an "open relationship" you do nothing but encourage your breakup. My point is very simple; as long as you are not married ( or living together or in a relationship leading to marriage) and you have no moral objection to premarital sex, then what you did is nothing more that you are doing with your current, I repeat, current, boyfriend. However, he will not see it this way so.....do not tell him and if your were married, definitely do not tell him.

You are intitled to your opinion,however I respectfully disagree with your advice.

redhed35 · Oct 7, 2009, 03:01 PM

May I ask,how old you both are,and if your in a long term relationship?

butterflynurse · Oct 7, 2009, 03:06 PM

We are both 23.have been together for about a year.

Catsmine · Oct 7, 2009, 03:15 PM

Does your doting, devoted boyfriend think you two are exclusive? Have you encouraged that thought? If the two of you feel differently about this, the relationship has no place to go anyway.

Now for the medical issue. Yes, you need to tell him so that you both can be re-tested.

honestadvisor · Oct 7, 2009, 03:18 PM

Originally Posted by redhed35

you are intitled to your opinion,however i respectfully disagree with your advice.

I respect your disagreeing with me but are suggesting that she tell her boyfriend? And if so why? Do you want to hurt him? I am curious. My views are that certain things should remain private, especially if they will hurt the other party. I may not condone certain actions but at the same time is not my position to criticize

redhed35 · Oct 7, 2009, 03:18 PM

If you hide it,will it play on your conscious?

Are you willing to lose him?

In the telling of cheating its normally one of two things,

1.the person can't stand the guilt.

2.they want an honest relationship,and come clean so to speak.

You cheated,on what you say is a nice man,the whys of it don't really come into play now.

If he is so nice why cheat.

You already know what will happen if you tell him,he will be hurt,you will be sorry,and most likely,although not in all cases it will be the end of the relationship..

The truth always comes out,no matter how hard we try to hide it...

If the roles were reversed would you like to know?

I would.

And I would end the relationship.

Silverfoxkit · Oct 7, 2009, 03:22 PM

Personally I would suggest telling him.

You made a mistake, a big one, and yes he will absolutely be very, very upset. Yes, you stand the risk of losing him but you took that risk upon yourself when you had an affair.

This is not something that will get better or go away with time. All that hiding this will do is eat away at your conscious and actually make things worse all around.

Not only would you have to face having done what you did but you will also have to then answer for hiding if from him, a huge lie by omission.

If you come clean now and let him know you had a lapse in judgement and explain what happened and that you didn't want to hide it from him then while he will be very upset he will at least be able to respect that you were honest about it, a small thing that may help that long road of rebuilding trust.

honestadvisor · Oct 7, 2009, 03:24 PM

Originally Posted by redhed35

if you hide it,will it play on your concious?

are you willing to lose him?

in the telling of cheating its normally one of two things,

1.the person can't stand the guilt.

2.they want an honest relationship,and come clean so to speak.

you cheated,on what you say is a nice man,the whys of it dont really come into play now.

if he is so nice why cheat.

you already know what will happen if you tell him,he will be hurt,you will be sorry,and most likely,although not in all cases it will be the end of the relationship..

the truth always comes out,no matter how hard we try to hide it.........

if the roles were reversed would you like to know?

i would.

and i would end the relationship.

Points well written. On a personal note, my wife hid almost all of her past and by a complete fluke, I found out. I almost did not stay with her as the pain even 20 years later is very strong and as more comes out the pain still hurts but less. But if you love someone, one must try to forgive, let's call them mistakes. So did you convince me to agree that telling him is the best thing and just wait for the right moment? Maybe. Thanks

butterflynurse · Oct 7, 2009, 03:26 PM

I realize it was wrong but certain circumstances preceding my actions like the matter of me drinking for the first time and mixing drinks should be considered.shouldnt it?

Catsmine · Oct 7, 2009, 03:27 PM

Originally Posted by butterflynurse

i realize it was wrong but certain circumstances preceeding my actions like the matter of me drinking for the first time and mixing drinks should be considered.shouldnt it?

No

Excuses are like elbows, everybody has a couple

Silverfoxkit · Oct 7, 2009, 03:29 PM

Let's reverse this, let's say this was your boyfriend we were discussing and not yourself?

How woud you feel if he had sex with another woman?

How much would him being drunk influence your feelings and hurt?

Would you rather find out immediately and from him himself or find out months or years down the road, maybe even from a different source?

You shouldn't give him any less then you yourself would want.

redhed35 · Oct 7, 2009, 03:29 PM

Originally Posted by honestadvisor

Points well written. On a personal note, my wife hid almost all of her past and by a complete fluke, I found out. I almost did not stay with her as the pain even 20 years later is very strong and as more comes out the pain still hurts but less. But if you love someone, one must try to forgive, let's call them mistakes. So did you convince me to agree that telling him is the best thing and just wait for the right moment? Maybe. Thanks

I'm not trying to convince anyone,but simply expressing an opinion,as you did.I disagreed with yours and have no inclination for a debate.

We all post based on our knowledge and experience.. some agree some don't.

butterflynurse · Oct 7, 2009, 03:36 PM

I told him the truth one time but on realizing I was losing him I recanted,saying it was a jest.

Catsmine · Oct 7, 2009, 03:41 PM

Originally Posted by butterflynurse

i told him the truth one time but on realizing i was losing him i recanted,saying it was a jest.

Well, if lying worked for you one time, continue by all means.

Poor guy.

butterflynurse · Oct 7, 2009, 03:47 PM

Originally Posted by Catsmine

Well, if lying worked for you one time, continue by all means.

Poor guy.

Come on.you act as if you never made a mistake in your entire life.

butterflynurse · Oct 7, 2009, 03:49 PM

I regret it but I don't want to lose him.is that so wrong?

Silverfoxkit · Oct 7, 2009, 03:51 PM

Mistakes do happen but what really matters is how you react to your mistake and what steps you take to rectify it.

You can answer to your mistake and try and move forward or you can try and hide it.

Hiding it is not doing either of you any favors. You must feel some level of guilt over this or you would not be asking what you should do. This guilt is weighing down on you mentally and it will only get heavier as time goes on.

For your peace of mind as well as the value of honesty and your boyfriends feelings you need to come clean!

Catsmine · Oct 7, 2009, 03:59 PM

Originally Posted by butterflynurse

come on.you act as if you never made a mistake in your entire life.

Many many many. And I made some of them worse by lying about them. It's a BAD idea