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talaniman · Nov 1, 2009, 10:53 AM

Stop talking to her, and let her go. Ever hear of No Contact??

emopunk7 · Nov 1, 2009, 07:29 PM

Hey man. I am learning so much about relationships. My latest lesson is that when it doesn't work once, it doesn't ever work! Believe me when I say I did everything in my power to make everything okay and she still did what she wanted.

Now, you seem to be confused that she cried on the phone. My ex did the same twice... The first time we broke up, I gave her space but like you, I tried talking to her again after a few weeks. I played our song together in my brand new car with full volume and I walked up to her and she was like what are you doing? Then I said I have to have you back and I miss you so much and she said to not do that. She was about to walk away but saw I was hurting and she turned around and hugged me and she cried. We still broke up for a long time.
Then I kept trying to meet her once in a blue. Then one day I went to eat and I saw her and she told me to eat with her... Then there was a party at my house and she came. We had sex and then she told me she still wants to give her ex a chance and it happened like 3 times she said and that it was his last chance. Well she dumped him and then I begged her to come to me and she did... Im guessing I was the rebound guy which I never thought of and I never thought how she had sex with me while on a break with her boyfriend. I don't know why I took her back but like I said... I live and I'm learning. Screw her!! It will be hard in every way. You will be able to move on. You will find better and you will be very happy!
Make a list here of all the bad things she did... that can help and you can look back at it when you are down.

sadnlostedddd · Nov 4, 2009, 04:08 AM

We just had a heated argument so its really over now, she says her new boyfriend is so much better than me and this and that, she loves him so I feel like I've been replaced... I feel bad that we ended in such a bitter way, she keeps switching it up, so I really am going NC now, I'm pretty pissed off, I don't know what to do. I blocked her on fb, finally! I checked her fb probably 20 times a day, but hopefully since we aren't friends on Facebook any more, I'll be able to heal... does it really help?

amicon · Nov 4, 2009, 04:22 AM

Real NC as in NO CONTACT whatsoever works-stick to it.
Disappear from her life as of now and look after you.

sadnlostedddd · Nov 4, 2009, 04:33 AM

Yeah, before I had no intention of going NC, but now I'm serious about it, and to tell you the truth, I've been laying around for 30 minutes, I feel a lot better, sort of relieved that I don't have to worry about what's going on in her life, I'm being stubborn in my mind by thinking of things that I liked about her which kind of makes me upset, but hopefully in time I'll either forget them, or become indifferent to them.

I also deleted her mom, and a few of her best friends, just because I don't want to see her posts on their pages. I feel a lot better about getting over her now.

amicon · Nov 4, 2009, 05:28 AM

Well done that's the way to go.no more confusion. Good luck.

paxe · Nov 4, 2009, 07:33 AM

NC all the way is the only way! You have your own life, which should be great as a single man.

Ther4peuticH3at · Nov 4, 2009, 04:00 PM

Hey, so I'm pretty much where you were a little bit less than a month ago. Had a disagreement with my girlfriend and we broke up for like the 5th time. For two weeks I was a bit confused, but mostly ready to move on. We didn't really talk at all that whole time. I knew that we weren't right for each other and I was pretty comfortable with the idea of letting go and moving on. I even ignored text from her the one time she sent it.

So, two weeks later it's Halloween and I decide to go out with some friends Friday night and of course I bump into her. Or rather, she was coming my direction, saw me talking to a friend and just turned around and walked the other way. This kind of pissed me off because I never did anything to deserve being ignored or avoided; she could have spoken to me.

The next night, we go out again and SURPRISE, she's at the same club. I was intent upon ignoring her but a friend sparked conversation between us, she basically apologized for avoiding me and I just said OK. The f'ed up part comes next.

For some reason all these feelings that I didn't know I had, just boiled over. I went on the dance floor and a sexy little thing tried to dance on me and I almost had a panic attack. Suddenly the idea of approaching other women or being with anybody else just felt like it went against every fiber of my being. Like I was almost paralyzed with emotion.

Then, the coup de grace, I watched her get introduced to a friend of mine's ex; a guy I just intuitively never really liked. She starts dancing on him and I can tell she's interested in him.

That was Saturday, by Tuesday she's posting her Facebook about finally being happy. And immediately, I know that she's serious about somebody and I know it was the guy from before. (She's never been happy on her own, she's never found how to be happy with herself, so it was obvious she had found someone else) It was confirmed to me today, when I found out she had just about spent the night at his place that Tuesday night. The same night that I completely broke down and made an b!tch out of myself over the phone to her. Now, I wonder if she was at his place the entire time I was pouring my heart out... Laughing it up maybe.

Its Wednesday now and I've made a complete pathetic mess of myself; I even pleaded with her over the phone in desperation this morning. I began to question whether I did right by her. I don't know how she can be so happy with him, and now claim to have been so miserable with me. I mean after a nearly 2 year old relationship she's moved on completely in less than 2 WEEKS. I mean come on... Am I that insignificant?

Right now, having written this, I feel slightly better; I know she was a broken person when I met her, I had really done my best to make her happy and get her life straight. I know she's a stronger person now because of me. It just sucks that after everything I've done for her, after all the times I was there for her, now I'm down in the gutter and she's treating me like scum. It hurts... I don't know how long I'll be like this... I pretty much just failed an exam for a course that I refuse to repeat, just because I spent the time I should have been studying, feeling like I wanted to fall on a knife; then during the exam I couldn't focus on anything relevant.

I got to go back to class, hopefully it helps to know that someone else is going through the same thing at the same time as you.. I know this thread probably helped me... I'm going to call and apologize for making an out of myself today and last night and then I'm going to bite the bullet and try to move on.. No contact or w/e it takes... Man I really can't afford to be like this for much longer, between work and classes, I was already stressed out enough.

Thanks for sharing your story "sadnlost"... I feel your pain.

sadnlostedddd · Nov 4, 2009, 09:09 PM

I know how you feel about, after all you did for her and now she's with someone else, starting a new relationship. I don't even want to think about it, I just want to move on, the thing is, I find myself comparing everyone to my ex, I go to a college with an undergraduate population of around 28000 students, yet I can't seem to find someone that compares to my ex, of course I'm still not in my right senses but I want to start dating again, she's all the way out of my life, blocked, no way to get in touch with her, thankfully we don't go to the same school, but I just want to move on.

Its been so long since I've asked a girl out, or dated, since I was in the 10th grade to be honest since I was with my ex the last 2 years of HS and the first year of college.

How do you go about getting back into the game after you've ended a relationship?

And I wish I could change my sn from sadnlosted, I'm still sad, not lost, but sooner or later I'll be at the point of indifference.

I hope looking back on this a few months from now I'll be able to smile at how far I've come

paxe · Nov 4, 2009, 09:40 PM

I feel both of you guys I really do. This is something you learn with time and experience, but you need to apply NC the first minutes of the break up. Meaning deleting everything, blocking FB, deleting phone number.

As much pain as you are having guys, there IS light in the end of the tunnel and you could get better if you apply NC all the way and take an active role in healing.

Ther4peuticH3at · Nov 4, 2009, 10:10 PM

Yea, I'm at a university too... Only, I'm on the engineering campus where cute girls that have a personality compatible with mine don't really exists. So, finding someone that I'll actually be interested in will take some deliberate action. Of course, when you're in a space where you don't even want to meet anyone new and you have to go out of your way to find someone... being alone is inevitable.

I wish my friends would chill a bit with trying to drag me out to parties. I feel like if I hadn't gone out in the first place, I would have never bumped into her and I could have gone on without any set backs. I'm not ready to go out yet. I'm not ready to play the field.

Oh yea.. today was my f'in birthday.

On a side note, I'm thinking I'll repost my story to an individual thread, but I'll definitely keep up with your situation.

paxe · Nov 4, 2009, 11:28 PM

Well, I`m an engineer too, an electrical one for that matter. In a class of 150 people, we may get 6 girls... and they will look like guys. So yea, life sucks, but we make it up later.
Secondly, since you broke up you need a lot of time alone. If you don`t want to party then don`t. But try to hang out with friends, chilling, going to the movies. Try new activities, new hobbies... Life sucks now, but apply the stickies as a must. Go the gym, go out, etc... Take care of yourself.

sadnlostedddd · Nov 5, 2009, 05:53 AM

I'm also a EE, wow small world lol, yeah the mornings always suck cause I always find myself thinking of her when I wake up, oh well... its day 2 of NC

paxe · Nov 5, 2009, 09:08 AM

Are the engineers more prone to getting their heart broken up? We can try an algorithm and see if it's true :D.

Ther4peuticH3at · Nov 5, 2009, 12:23 PM

You know, I had my "final" talk to her last night... It ended with her crying, and me feeling helpless before she just expressed that she just couldn't do "this" anymore and said "This is where the conversation ends" and she hung up. I txted my last words and I fully intend to never speak to her again.

I know that when I had that conversation with her I wasn't really sane yet; I'm still not, but I'm getting closer. Today, I finally remembered why I was cool with everything just a week ago:
"If a girl doesn't want to be with you, why the h3ll would you want to be with her"
And
"If you've found someone else that can make you more happy, go be with him; I don't want to be in the way. I mean that's what we're all in this for - to pursue happiness"
-- I mean these are things by which I pretty much lived by, I never thought I'd need to be reminded of these things.. Reminded of the kind of guy I am, and what I believe in.

But I guess there have been a lot of "firsts" here for me... I'm just trying to adapt, change for the better and move on. Sadly enough I laughed at the algorithm joke (paxe); it's funny being reminded how much of a dork you really are.

Also, I haven't eaten since Tuesday afternoon.. And I'm still not hungry. Any ETA on my appetite?

sadnlostedddd · Nov 5, 2009, 12:52 PM

It'll come back, I keep going through phases when I would be fine and eat and then be upset and not eat, I did this like 3 or 4 times, but it was cause I was still in contact with her, but you're right, when you break up with someone, at first you're sad, but when the emotions subside a little bit, you realize the reasons you wanted to break up in the first place
NC hasn't really helped yet, I feel kind of sad not knowing what she's doing since I'm not on her fb anymore, hopefully in time I won't even care

paxe · Nov 5, 2009, 01:43 PM

Look guys, both of you, you are engineers, so we use a lot of rational thinking in our life. Let's use it here. As long as you "break" and continue contacting your exes, you will get hurt, badly. If you apply NC, the cause of the pain will go away.

First off, you both need to take care of yourselves. You are in shock and aren't using too much of your brain. Start working out a LOT. Go everyday to the gym, train, build those muscles... Also from now on, plan everything for the next 2 months, what you want to do, what activities you may start, volunteering... buying new clothes to dress better.

The appetite will come back very soon, for now drink a lot of water and force yourself to eat. Even small amounts.

One last thing, be patient. It takes time but it's the proper way to do things. Don't drink any alcohol or don't do drugs!
Keep posting how you are doing.

bella99 · Nov 5, 2009, 02:59 PM

Hey Guys,

This is coming from a girls perspective, but I know exactly how you feel. My ex and I broke up over 6 months ago, and I still miss him sometimes. I actually ran into him last night for the first time in 2 months, and the feelings keep coming back. When you really care for someone - those feeligs won't ever vanish completely. But they do become easier to deal with.

At first when we broke up - I was devastated - couldn't eat- sleep - id check his Facebook. I was a mess. I would run into him EVERYWHERE because we have so many mutual friends and Delaware is a small state.

I'm going to tell you there were times when even though I knew it was over - I still thought it might work out - and I came up with some elaborate plans, and no - it doesn't work out. You don't want it to. That chapter of your life is closed - it won't be the same when you get back together.

It took my ex being a complete and utter jacka@@ for me to really say - OK - you don't deserve any attention from me. Took me almost 4 months to get to that point. But from then on - zero contact - no Facebook (HUGE HELP! He got into a nw relationship right about then and I cried my eyes out because I knew it was over between us - and I knew Facebook was goig to be a bad thing). If I ran into him out id do a quick hi and go else where. No texts no nothing.

It definitely does get better. You need to just get busy having fun, living your life (I suggest go sky diving - helped me a lot), and make new friends that don't remind you of your ex. Eventually you will meet another person who will captivate you in ways your ex never did.

I am so jealous that you are still in college! I've been out for 5 years and its definitely harder to meet new people once you have graduated. You need to get excited about th prospect of meeting new women, doing new things, traveling, and just having your entire life ahead of you. That is a great feeling - doing whatever you want - when you want - with anyone that you want.

Every day is a step forward, and once in a while a step back - totally normal - just keep moving on :) Good luck hun!

Ther4peuticH3at · Nov 5, 2009, 03:43 PM

Yea, before my set back, the freedom - your whole life ahead of you thing - was my best friend.. saving grace maybe. I'm getting closer to finding that kind of peace again, but for now, my heart still jumps into my throat every time my cell goes off.

About the no contact thing; for me, I need to be able to not contact her by will. I feel like that's the only way to become stronger. I feel like, once I can not even care whether I can reach her, then I'll delete her.

To be clear, the No Contact thing has always been a no brainer for me in the past. I've removed her from my friends list, deleted my Facebook, removed every trace of her from my phone JUST to end up driving to her place and making nice all over again. I need to be strong enough to stay away from her under my own will power.

I'm already in conflict over what I just wrote... Man, I'm twisted still. I know NC is the only way to go here... but it's easy to forget, or to rationalize a contradiction to NC.

I guess making it nearly impossible to reach would make it a lot easier to find a place where you no longer need to reach her.

paxe · Nov 5, 2009, 04:14 PM

Delete everything it will be much easier then. Just don't contact, it's not that hard. When you want to contact her, post her to call a friend, that will take the urge off.