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summer7 · Oct 1, 2009, 07:52 PM

I'm very stressed out. I really need sympathetic advice and no critics.

Long story short...

As many of you know, I have had problems with my married boss. He's had a crush on me for (10 months now... Since Jan.) He wasn't the one who hired me but took over and I got stuck with him. He's been inappropriate (touching, comments, staring, being a pig etc). He was stressing me out by arranging so much togetherness on the job. He kind of grew on me because of all the attention but I never behaved inappropriately. I finally got sick of it. It's difficult to work under those circumstances. He's very needy and he jokingly mentioned that he has a midlife crisis every year. I think he's 58 or 60.

I started to be very firm and serious to try to stop this behavior. He retaliated by taking away work that was important to me. Recently I had my annual review and it wasn't that great. I knew he would pull something like this so a few months ago I started asking him what I needed to do to be sure I had a great review. I thought I had all my bases covered. He had a negative comment to make under each category. I was so mad.

Well, he just came back from a two week vacation. I was so happy with him gone. When he came back, he ran into my office like he missed me. I cannot stand the sight of him. I get headaches if I see him more than a couple of times a day. I get a terrible physical reaction when I see him and I can't stand him. I'm stressed out because if I continue like this, he'll fire me. I can't afford to lose my job. I've looked around and there aren't any jobs right now and this one is a good one.

Here's the really sick part. I found out he brought a gift back from his vacation to another girl and not me and I felt jealous. Then I noticed that he is behaving in the same way with some other girls as he had been with me and it upset me. I should be happy about this since it gets me off the hook. I don't know where these feelings are coming from. I really don't like him and I have never given in to him. Why do I have these feelings? I don't get it. I think I'm just stressed out. I'm afraid I'll blow up at work. I'm sick of this whole thing. I can't stand him. This has gone on for too long.

He is obviously upset at the fact that I have become so completely cold to him. He gets flustered when I'm short and to the point with him. I have to stop this or I will be fired. I don't feel I have enough concrete evidence against him to complain. We have on site attorneys and an ethics department but they look after the company. I'll end up losing my job. I'm trying to be a corporate robot but my feelings are very strong and I have trouble hiding them. At work they are all workaholic zombies and this is part of what has me stressed out. I can't fake my emotions and hide how pissed off I am.

I just need to vent. Any constructive advice is very appreciated! Thank you...
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justcurious55 · Oct 1, 2009, 08:02 PM

That's sexual harassment. If they fire you for reporting it that's retaliation.

Do you have actual proof of his harassment? Saved messages? Inappropriate emails? Any physical evidence?

justcurious55 · Oct 1, 2009, 08:23 PM

OK. Your call. Good luck with either learning to deal with your boss or finding a new job. Hope it all works out well for you :)

summer7 · Oct 1, 2009, 08:27 PM

Thanks... You know, just writing it out and looking at it helped immensely. You don't realize just how weird a situation is when you are in it. It was a chance for me to step back. I got my answers!

ROLCAM · Nov 21, 2009, 04:12 AM

There are many solutions here!
Firstly, do you belong to a UNION at work.
Your union should be looking after you.
Secondly, in the country you live, is there such a thing as an OMBUDSMAN?
If there is you must get in touch with him.
Thirdly , you must , bite the bullet and start looking for other employment.
In your case, I would definitely seek legal advice.
In Australia where I live we have very good
Discrimination Legislation in place for your type of problem.
Remember, the little fish never eats the
Big fish.

summer7 · Nov 21, 2009, 08:48 AM

HI,
Thanks Rolcam. I'm not in a union. I am looking for other work. In the meantime, I need to control myself and not let my resentment show because I've become a bit snippy. Last night I wrote out all the events, comments etc. and I was disgusted with myself that I let it go on so long. He's pushy and persistent. He has gotten it, finally, that there is no way in hell I'm ever giving in. Well, I think he gets it but I think he's very attracted to me so when he talks to me he's nervous and acts like a freak.

Now I have to deal with my reaction to his retaliation. I could walk in to work one day and be told to get my belongings and leave. If I could just be phony and go on as usual. Problem is, I get such a bad reaction when I see him. I get a pounding headache and I feel this anger well up from the core of my being. I feel like I'll explode. Because I have so much anger that I cannot express the way I would like, I cried all day after work yesterday... I'm completely stressed out.

A couple of weeks ago, I confided in a girl at work who he flirts with. She seemed like someone I could trust but in a corporation you can never really trust anyone. Oh well, I took a chance. She agreed that he is very unprofessional. I also made a comment to another girl he has been overly friendly with. I said, "Don't you find him extremely touchy feely and he gets to close?" Now if I have to make a formal complaint, I can always say that I spoke with these girls and they agree. He's so out of control that he's going to get caught doing something.

Does anyone have some advice on how I can control myself and see this in a different way so that I don't have these feelings and possible explosion? How do I psyche myself out to not react? I haven't mastered "zombie" yet. Thanks!

paxe · Nov 21, 2009, 09:14 AM

Microphone, yes that's right it's undeniable proof. Lure him into making advances into him, then use a microphone to record all his words. Once you get something, sue him and show the proof to the appropriate channel. A corporation never take lightly a lawsuit.

summer7 · Nov 21, 2009, 09:22 AM

Hi Paxe,
Great info but it's against the law for me to record him without his knowing. I checked. Also, I would not be interested in a law suit. I don't want that kind of high drama in my life. If it got really ugly, though, a law suit might have to be the way to go. Thank you for your ideas!

paxe · Nov 21, 2009, 09:27 AM

I always dreamed to use a microphone in this kind of situation. Well, YOU know the law, but he may not. Even though it may not stand in court, you could still use it to your benefit and show it to his bosses or to the ombudsman.

You can also talk to other coworkers, see what they feel about him. It's easier if you have someone on your side then if you're all alone. If he is doing the same thing to other girls then try to be friends with them.

Also, try to be unattractive, easier said than done, maybe he will lose all his attention to you.

And the jealousy part, that's unhealthy. Don't let him get into your skin.

paxe · Nov 21, 2009, 09:29 AM

As for the emotions, sport is the best way to channel negative emotions into positive feedback.

talaniman · Nov 21, 2009, 09:33 AM

Mastering "Zombie" and keeping yourself under control, and professional at work IS your solution. Your situation is the same in many jobs where a boss takes inappropriate liberties because he has power and control.

Moving from job to job isn't always the answer as there are a lot of working jerks out there, but learning to control yourself, is only hard until you have mastered it.

It's a learning process to how best to work with those co workers, and bosses you don't necessarily like, or get along with, but a jerk is a jerk, and that will never change.

Maybe transferring to another department or taking different assignments is your answer, but keep in mind that your livelihood is what matters most in this economy, and perhaps his reviews of your performance, which you think are unfair and biased, can be formally challenged by his boss. Its called going over his head with a legitimate complaint, based on the facts of your job performance.

summer7 · Nov 21, 2009, 09:36 AM

Originally Posted by paxe

I always dreamed to use a microphone in this kind of situation. Well, YOU know the law, but he may not. Even though it may not stand in court, you could still use it to your benefit and show it to his bosses or to the ombudsman.

You can also talk to other coworkers, see what they feel about him. It's easier if you have someone on your side then if you're all alone. If he is doing the same thing to other girls then try to be friends with them.

Also, try to be unattractive, easier said than done, maybe he will lose all his attention to you.

And the jealousy part, that's unhealthy. Don't let him get into your skin.

Great advice! About the jealousy thing... this has caught me completely by surprise. I'm having weird feelings due to the stress. As far as exercise goes, I haven't been working out lately because I've been busy with school. I'm going for a long bike ride today to de-stress. Thanks for that reminder. Of course that will help! Exercise is always the best.

summer7 · Nov 21, 2009, 09:44 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Mastering "Zombie" and keeping yourself under control, and professional at work IS your solution. Your situation is the same in many jobs where a boss takes inappropriate liberties because he has power and control.

Moving from job to job isn't always the answer as their are a lot of working jerks out there, but learning to control yourself, is only hard until you have mastered it.

Its a learning process to how best to work with those co workers, and bosses you don't necessarily like, or get along with, but a jerk is a jerk, and that will never change.

Maybe transferring to another department or taking different assignments is your answer, but keep in mind that your livelihood is what matters most in this economy, and perhaps his reviews of your performance, which you think are unfair and biased, can be formally challenged by his boss. Its called going over his head with a legitimate complaint, based on the facts of your job performance.

You are right... running doesn't help anything. I have to protect my job. I thought I could transfer to another department but they decided to distribute the work load rather than open a new position. Paxe reminded me to exercise which will calm my nerves. I know I can get through this. I have to lay low so he attaches himself to another girl.

summer7 · Nov 22, 2009, 01:31 PM

Hi all,
I was hoping someone else had some words to add here. I go to work tomorrow and I still feel frustrated. I'm practicing self control but can't help the steam coming out of my ears..

I got some good exercise yesterday. I went surfing and the cold water really helped. I might go dancing tonight so I'm not stewing. It's going to be difficult to display professionalism at work when on the inside I feel quite ticked off.

Thanks...

talaniman · Nov 22, 2009, 02:09 PM

FOCUS on the work, not the people. Don't let your emotions or the behavior of another stop you from doing a great job, and having a good day.

summer7 · Nov 22, 2009, 02:56 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

FOCUS on the work, not the people. Don't let your emotions or the behavior of another stop you from doing a great job, and having a good day.

Yes, so true. You always have the right things to say! Thanks Tal.

paxe · Nov 22, 2009, 03:05 PM

And don't forget sport and training, it's so important. May I suggest taking martial arts lessons? It can really help you in controlling your emotions.

summer7 · Nov 22, 2009, 03:27 PM

Originally Posted by paxe

And don't forget sport and training, it's so important. May I suggest taking martial arts lessons? It can really help you in controlling your emotions.

I have a blue belt in Shaolin Kempo. I should leap into my boss' office all "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon-like" and sub-title speak my pissed-offedness at the situation.

But seriously, you are totally right. It's just difficult to keep your cool when being treated unfairly. Your suggestions are great. I'm going to go out with friends tonight and dance. I feel so much better after the exercise I got yesterday! I'll get over this. I sure do appreciate your suggestions. Nice to know you guys care! :)

paxe · Nov 22, 2009, 04:06 PM

We're here for that and hopefully you'll be able to pick a solution to your problem.

Gemini54 · Nov 22, 2009, 07:48 PM

Only time will ease this difficult situation. You need to be squeaky clean and if you do 'record' anything, it should be in writing in a personal journal, just in case you need it. It’s super difficult to be in this situation – I was once a long time ago – and in the end it’s inevitable that it’s the employee who suffers not the boss.

In the final analysis, he’s the boss, and unless you want to make a really BIG issue of it, you need to keep your head down and focus on your work. My advice, be nice but not cold, don’t respond to any inappropriate behaviour, let him get sleazy with the other girls. Eventually someone will complain and make a big issue of it, but hopefully, by then you will be gone.

Really focus on your work and your life outside work – try to distance yourself emotionally from what’s going on with him. He’s in the process of shifting his attention to someone else, so that’s in your favour. As for the weird feelings of jealousy – we are strange aren’t we as human beings? You got so used to his attention – even though it was negative for you – that you missed it when it was diverted to someone else!

You won’t ever be the winner here – so talk to your networks and see what other jobs are around. Sometimes it’s a sign that we need to move on.