[DSM521]

Okay I know I may take a bit of griff from some on this board for this question and my past posts. All I have to say is that I never fully believed my wife and knew we had some things to work on.

With that being said I found out this past Thursday that my wife had an affair. If you need any details just ask, I don't want to make this post to long.

So my question is there any woman out there that have lost sexual attraction for there husband and if so what did you do to help getting it back.

I know there are many detail left out, like I said if you need to know just ask. She tells me she wants to work it out and get it back. So I guess I am just asking if anyone else has been through this and if so what worked for you.

Thank you in advance for your time.

[runrunrun]

We are strange creatures on this earth.
Basically we don't know what we have until the moment just before we think we are about to lose it!
You want your wife more now because you know she had an affair, this is normal, believe me I know...
I'm not telling you that you should have an affair too. Absolutely not. However, I know that becoming less attentive to her needs and attending your own will make you instantly more attractive.
She wants what is exciting, an element of the unknown and she wants what is a little but unavailable and daring.
I cannot believe that by being in this situation that you are not loving or don't drown her in affection. However, the word "drowning" here can be just that at this time for her.
Give her the space she needs and keep her guessing, she will be back in a heartbeat.

[bronzebabe]

She has gone far enough to have an affair, I think she has ended what she felt for you, IF there WAS anything some time before the affair.
My suggestion would be for you to get into some intense marriage counselling and hope for the best.
From what you are saying, it doesn't look good.

[redhed35]

OK,I'm going to focus on your question,rebuilding sexual attraction...

Firstly,from where you are in your relationship,trust is going to be a big factor,honesty and just plain old communication...

Regaining lost intimacy takes time ,patience and a lot of work...

Let me ask you this, you have sex with the same man,women for years,and mostly its good,sometimes its just for you or her,and then sometimes its like the sparks are flying,and you both realise that you have not had sex llike that in ages.. why? What was different?

Both people need to make the effort,starting with just kissing.. not just a peck on the mouth,just deep passionate kissing.. we forget what its like,and how much a kiss can do and make us feel.. keeping healthy and active also helps,look after yourselves...

I'm going to carefully approach the current situation you are in... dont take all the blame here,you need to find out why she cheated,and figure out what your next step is... her next step is not to place blame at your door, if there was a problem its you,her husband she shoud have come to,not the arms of another man...

[DSM521]

She says she has no clue why she lost her desire for me. It all started when she lost her sex drive after the birth our first daughter. She has gotten it back just not for me.

Its just that she does not tell me what is in her head, how she is feeling or thinking. She said she lies to me about everything because she does not want to hurt my feelings.
What she does not understand is that it hurts me more to have her lie to me.Like with the affair she tried to say that it only happened twice. I knew that was bull and finally she admitted that it happened a lot more times.

I think if she could just communicate with me it would help her feel connected to me again. I know she does not want to give up the details but that's what I need to heal. I need to hear what they said in text messages etc. And I will get that info any way so it would be better coming from her.

This should be in the relationship section lol, sorry. But it does have to do with sexuality.

[Synnen]

No, you do NOT need the details.

And she does not have any obligation to give them to you.

[DSM521]

No, you do NOT need the details.

And she does not have any obligation to give them to you.

And why is that?

[Cat1864]

I think if she could just communicate with me it would help her feel connected to me again. I know she does not want to give up the details but thats what I need to heal. I need to hear what they said in text messages etc. And I will get that info any way so it would be better coming from her.

You don't sound like you want her to communicate with you.

It sounds more like you want to humiliate and punish her for what she did. You are also making threats whether you realize it or not, "And I will get that info any way so it would be better coming from her." That doesn't sound like someone who wants to move past the hurt and anger.

You need to decide right now whether you can forgive her (which should have been decided before you agreed to stay together) and rebuild the trust. If you can't, then stop punishing yourself and her (and your children) and end the marriage. All those nit-picky details that you want will not help encourage her to regain her sexual attraction to you. In fact, it will drive her farther away-emotionally, mentally and physically.

If you do want to rebuild your marriage, then seek counseling. I don't think you will get anywhere without it. Quite frankly, you should have gotten it after the birth of your first child, before it got this bad.

There is also the question of what does she want? Does she want to work on the marriage or accept that a marital relationship won't work between you?

[sandalwood7]

Rebulding arelationship after an affair is a very difficult thing to do. It can be so hard that it sometimes merits professional help. There are also some really good books out there about this particular issue (go to Borders and check it out).

From my point of view these are the things I think you both need to do:

1) Both need to want to continue the relationship and recognise its importance in both your lives. THIS IS FUNDAMENTAL IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS GOING TO WORK.

2) Communicate openly and honestly with each other. Be respectful of each other and this means your tone of voice and line of questioning too. Don't interrogate. She will only tell you what she feels comfortable with. You don't own her and have no right to know everything about her sex life (I know this may sound strange but even marriage means you don't have the right to know everything). I think it is more important that you communicate your feelings and thoughts. Details of the event doesn't change that much (I don't think that it is helpful for you to know everything. Maybe just who it was, how long, any others?). It will only upest you more and cause nmore resentment.

3) Get rid of resentment. This is from both sides. You will feel resentment towards her because of what she has done and she will feel resentment to you because of your accusatory tone/intrusive questioning and promotion of her guilt. If this is going to work you both need to try and leave this resentment behind and move on, but this will mean a lot of talking and also time. Don't PUNISH HER. Ask yourself if you love her and if it is really worth destrying the relationship because of resentment. Resentment is a very destructive emotion.

4) STI checkup

Some might say differently but I don't think that ONE affair is necessarily a reason on its own to end a relationship. Nobody is perfect and chemistry can sometimes take hold (ONCE). If it is a pattern of behaviour then that is different. You will both learn a lot from each other if you do choose to work through this and you may be able to rebuild a more honest and better relationship. Good luck

[Synnen]

And why is that?

Is having the details going to make you any more comfortable with what happened?

It's like knowing someone was in an accident, and wanting the details of how they died, what the wounds were, where the burns were, whatever.

You don't need them. The details will just make it EASIER for you to imagine whatever--and that's not healthy, and it's not going to help your relationship.

[DSM521]

You know I guess the problem is every time we talk something else is reveled. The night I found out she said it only happened twice, come to find out it happened for 5 months. She said she was not turned on by him and did not know why she slept with him, later she admitted she was turned on and wanted him sexually. I could go on, but the fact is it worries me very much that she just can't come out and tell the truth. And just so you know I am not one of those yelling , violent types. The night I found out we I did most the talking and I mean talking, I never yelled at her once or threatened her in any way.

[Cat1864]

You know I guess the problem is every time we talk something else is reveled. The night I found out she said it only happened twice, come to find out it happened for 5 months. She said she was not turned on by him and did not know why she slept with him, later she admitted she was turned on and wanted him sexually. I could go on, but the fact is it worries me very much that she just can't come out and tell the truth. And just so you know I am not one of those yelling , violent types. The night I found out we I did most the talking and I mean talking, I never yelled at her once or threatened her in any way.

A question to ask yourself, when she gives you "more details" is she telling you the truth then or just telling you what you think you want to hear or adding to it just to get back at you for wanting those details?

I still think if you want to work on the marriage that counseling is needed.

[DSM521]

A question to ask yourself, when she gives you "more details" is she telling you the truth then or just telling you what you think you want to hear or adding to it just to get back at you for wanting those details?

I still think if you want to work on the marriage that counseling is needed.

Sorry should have answered this question earlier, we are going to counseling. We have a appointment set up. There is no way we can do this without any help. Our problems are to deep. Because she is not forthcoming with information it makes me feel like she still wants the affair to continue. Sorry but you can't see the amount of text they had and only believe the had sex 2 times. They always text the most during and work and after work like they are setting it up. Don't forget I had to go to great lengths just to get her to admit to the affair.

I do love her and want this marriage to work, I just fear she is still lying to me and wants to continue the affair.