[majikatt]

Hi Guys and Gals,

I shall try my best to keep this short and to the point as I know it must be boring trying to read a long and convuluted post.

I got told on Friday 25/9 by my boyfriend of 5 and 1/2 years that he wanted a "break" where we would still be together so to speak but not see each other because he didn't think he was in love with me anymore. Completely out of the blue. I honestly had not thought that anything like this could happen...

We still live at our parents houses, and within the past couple of years I have been trying to persuade him to move out as we need to move forward as the relationship was getting rather stagnent and for want of a better word... boring... although that is to be expected after so long. Things are much better and more exciting when together on our own, i.e.. On holiday, or when around eachothers parents house with no one in (this sounds pathetic when I am 22 and he is 24 at the end of this month eh?) and we are like a proper couple, however what with having to go out most evenings to the pub there is little chance of anything intimate haha, and the back of a micra (my car) has little appeal when he is 6ft 3! And plus, I am certainly no exhibitionist.

We have done the deed so to speak, but the last time was August 08... I am rather selfconcious and what with having no real time... well yeah, I know it bothers him but I never thought to that extent... he did tell me it wasn't that though although I do think that possibly it is an underlying problem... however it can be rectified with a night/2 nights at a hotel every couple of weeks, he just had to say...

Anyway, I digress. I had asked him to have a really serious think about things and moving out because he was uhming and ahhing about it. So he did and this *poop* is what he came up with.

He told me that he still loves me but as a best friend, and that he still finds me physically and sexually attractive, he still enjoys my company and kissing me is nice but that the feeling is not there, the spark.

I have said that we could try and get it back by being more adventurous (forgive me for my spelling is appalling :() and do the things that he likes more because admittedly I can be rather selfish at times. But he was adement at two weeks break... then changed his mind and said we would do it the aforementioned way. However I said that if he needed a break then how about a week and that is what we settled on.

He was cuddling me and putting his arm around me all the time he was talking and holding my hand etc, and kisses on the lips were not infrequent (not snogging though).
He said that it had been brewing up for a year and when asked why he said nothing before he had no answer...

He kept telling me how pretty I was and that he didn't know what to do and that part of him wanted to just ignore what he said but that it should be all of him and that he couldn't.

Its breaking my heart as I really love him. I must admit that I broke the break on Sunday because a client that I work for on my second job as a carer felt me up lol and I just automatically called him because, well it creeped me out and I needed that comfort, I didn't think twice. But he sounded normal and then so cold. It was awful.

I really need to know what to do and whether from a male perspective whether there is anything that I can do or whether there is anything positive in any of this? I want to stay with him as I feel him to be "the one" so do I just give him his space and hope for the best?

Many thanks for any help

[redhed35]

I guess really the only thing you can do is give him the week...

Its hard to let go,but if he decides he wants out,there's nothing much you can do...

5 years is a long time to just let go,but if his feelings have changed there's not much you can do,all the sex you can muster won't change his heart..

Perhaps he feels he has missed out on something,your both young,and watching friends date and having freedom looks attractive sometimes when you have been in a long term relationship..

I would normally say let it go,but going by your post it seems to me that he does need space... wait it out,see what he comes back with,but keep in mind his decision may be to break up for good.

[majikatt]

He said that we could speak on Wednesday but my thoughts are that if he calls Wednesday then... well that's got to be a good thing but I shouldn't... that sounds right yes?

Thanks Red for the advice, everyone I have told thinks its really... well odd, and I am in the same mind to be honest, his behaviour seems to be somewhat contradictory.

And yeah the sex thing bothers me too... I wish I had bucked myself up and made an effort before it may have become a problem...

I just feel like its all my fault, although he has by no means been the perfect boyfriend. I just love him with all my heart and never imagined that we would be apart...

[redhed35]

Look, you can't be sexed up all the time,you have to eat and work as well,there's always two sides to every story,but don't hand all the blame for what's happened at your door,I assume he has a mouth and can speak..

As much as its hurts to think about it,your not together right now,let him miss you.. I hope that he will respect you enough to tell you the truth,and insist on it,however much hearing the words may hurt...

Don't forget,some people say things like I love you but I'm not in love with you... I think of you as a friend.. yada yada yada... and they do this to ease the hurt and their own guilt... but what there really saying and afraid to say is I don't want you anymore,I want out...

He may come back and want to get things back on track,but the very fact that he is not trying to work out the problems while you are together is not good.

[majikatt]

Un, I guess the prognosis isn't that good then... I was hoping that it would be said that he perhaps still had feelings for me but was unsure.

I guess I have just got to hope to the heavens that he does decide he misses me and that I am worth being with.

Yeh, I should know after this time but I can't decide whether he is the sort of guy that would say that just to ease the guilt and pain or whether he would mean it, I think its most likely to be the latter but one can only hope.

Thanks Red.

Any other advice would be appreciated... this is killing me.

[redhed35]

The thing is majikatt, mostly people in your situation know in their gut what's going on.. they already know that it's the end of the road.

Other people will post and give their advice and slant on the situation,and in my limited experience and time on this site its usually spot on.

If he comes back and wants to give things ago again,sit down and talk,and talk and talk.. its the only way to get back on track..

If he does not want to work things out,there's not much you can do,all thecrying and begging won't change his heart,it may for a while,but why would you want to be with someone who does not really love you..

One more thing.. he is doing this for him,not you... he is trying to work out his own issues,if he was trying to work out relationship issues he would still be there,because he loves you enough to try.

[Justwantfair]

I was just discussing this situation. There is a time when a relationship moves from an 'in love' phase to the time when you love the person you are with because you choose to.

While relationships get easier with time, they also get a lot more difficult. They require constant communication, attention and care. They even sometimes require some time apart. Give him the time and take the time for yourself, it will help revive that stagnant feeling at least for a short while and it's a great time for evaluation.

[amicon]

He says its been brewing up for a year so he s been thinking about this for quite some time.
You were very young when you got together and possibly he feels he s missing out on the dating scene.
Communication is vital in healthy relationships and this was lacking here.
People who want their relationships to work try to sort out whatever problems there are.
There s little indication that he intends to do this.
I realise you re in a lot of pain over this and all my sympathies to you.

[majikatt]

Yeh, my big question was why he hadn't talked to me sooner, hah, I am physically shaking as I type this.

I must admit that around 2 years ago, I felt the same way... didnt know why at all, and then he changed his attitude and became more "romantic" towards me and I felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders and realised that that was what it was... a little thing causing all the problems... so I feel that it is little things for him too, I could be wrong as I can't get inside his head but I can only hope.

He is not and never has been much of a talker about relationships, so partly doesn't surprise me that he said nothing but to let it go so far...

If I wasn't at work now I am sure that I would break down into a blubbering mess...

[redhed35]

A lot of men find it hard to talk about their feelings,and only when they cnt take it anymore do they say something... sometimes no matter what you do,you can't stop the train wreak...

In saying all this,he may ring,and it will be happy days... while you are emotional,I'm trying to be objective,as with the other posters.. you nor us have no idea where is thinking is going,nor who he is confiding in.

[amicon]

Keep as busy as you can.
See friends and family after work and remember its OK to feel what you re feeling now.

[majikatt]

Thank you, I will try too.
As for who he is confiding in. I can guess who... his best mate Alex... I have texted his girlfriend to see her take on it but I rarely get a reply when I do, let alone for something this important.

Is there anything else I can do in the meantime? Or am I pretty much stuck with the waiting game? I know I need to show him that I am not needy and that I am something to miss but how the heck can you do that?

[redhed35]

Thank you, I will try too.
As for who he is confiding in. I can guess who...his best mate Alex...I have texted his girlfriend to see her take on it but I rarely get a reply when I do, let alone for something this important.

Is there anything else I can do in the meantime? Or am I pretty much stuck with the waiting game? I know I need to show him that I am not needy and that I am something to miss but how the heck can you do that?

Don't call him,or any of his friends for that matter... you are not needy. Keep saying that!

If you need to vent do it here,let him miss you.. go for a walk later,or go see your mam,get some emotional support around you... be strong,don't call.

[amicon]

You are to talk on Wednesday you said-so no contact till then is what you should do.
There are stickies with very good advice at the top of the page.
Read them and keep posting here.
Take care of yourself.

[majikatt]

Ok, get this for weird crap, I get a reply from his best mates girlfriend and she said that she has no idea what's going on and that the last she heard was that he was planning on proposing O_O

So something has gone majorly wrong... WTH? Obviously he isn't now but eh?

[amicon]

Just ignore that for the time being as it isn't first hand knowledge. Stay focused on you now.