[runrunrun]

My husband had what you call an emotional affair with his X of 25 years ago.
When I found out it had been going on for 3 months. Every day 10 to 20 messages.
After lots of trying t blame me for a bad marriage he decided to stay and "see" if e could save this.
I changed over night from a fairly strong person to his slave. I wanted to do everything right.
Well a year has gone by and we are getting on better than ever before. However, I feel drained, sad and incomplete. I never dare ask anything anymore and he has never explained why he did this or if he ever really gave up all contact ( she lives miles away )
This is not great even though we are getting on better now than ever.
My dilemma is that I am scared to lose him if I approach the subject. But my own feelings are now beginning to get affected. For the first time I see what he really is and he is not too affectionate. He never tells me he loves me and he never writes me nice notes. Sex is great but everything round it is matter of fact. The only difference is he cuddles me tight all night and never lets go.
Why do I feel so down . Has anyone else experienced something similar?

[talaniman]

How old are you both? Are there children involved, and could your pregnancy scare be affecting your moods?? How long have you been married and is this your first??

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/pregna...ys-399098.html

[artlady]

If your life is false because you are living in fear,you are not really living for yourself at all.

You can't be at someone's beck and call and forget who you are in the process.

Men and women both leave partners everyday that are beautiful giving great people.

If someone is going to leave no amount of worrying or actions are going to stop them.

You can't force love to stay when it is gone and if it's there you can't force it away.

It just is.

If he loves you ,he will love you without you kissing his behind.

You need to ask yourself when you gave up loving yourself just to be loved by him.

It's a sad commentary on your faith in your relationship that you have had to give up you in order to have him.

I would seriously think about that.

[runrunrun]

How old are you both?? Are there children involved, and could your pregnancy scare be affecting your moods??? How long have you been married and is this your first???

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/pregna...ys-399098.html

We are not so young but it is amazing how infidelity can screw you up at any age. You act in ways you can only imagine when trying to save something. We have been married for 24 years. Children at this age is debatable and contraception desn't always work like it should!
In normal circumstances I would say that I am reasonably intelligent and sensible but right now I am off track. It happens to many of us... or does it?
Thank you for replying

[runrunrun]

If your life is false because you are living in fear,you are not really living for yourself at all.

You can't be at someones beck and call and forget who you are in the process.

Men and women both leave partners everyday that are beautiful giving great people.

If someone is going to leave no amount of worrying or actions are going to stop them.

You can't force love to stay when it is gone and if its there you can't force it away.

It just is.

If he loves you ,he will love you without you kissing his behind.

You need to ask yourself when you gave up loving yourself just to be loved by him.

Its a sad commentary on your faith in your relationship that you have had to give up you in order to have him.

I would seriously think about that.

You make a lot of sense but packing up and leaving after 23 years of what I thought was good is really difficult.
I have no family nearby and I really would like to try to make this work if I can.
However, you are right myself respect and self esteem are both crushed.
I am at the stage where I know that I have to do something, I just need to get to the point where I know that it will make me feel better. I am just so confused.
I am not feeling like myself so how can I look at these facts and act like I have all the courage in the world. I usually feel strong when I am happy. Right now the saddness is gripping my ankles and holding me down.

[Cat1864]

Run, do mind if I ask how old you are?

I can make a guess that you are about 40 years old from the comment about 23 years of marriage. I ask because I am wondering if part of your problems may be very natural and connected to the normal aging process. Have you talked with your gynecologist about (peri)menopause? The hormonal changes alone can cause a mental/emotional melt down.

The infidelity hitting at a normal life cycle change could be a double blow to your mental and emotional well-being.

Is your entire life wrapped around the house and him? Do you work outside the home?

Is there anything that you do just for yourself? Anything at all.

I think it is time to re-learn ways to find 'you' again. Take some time to do something for yourself. Go to the gym. Take a continuing education class. Write stories. Make new friends. Anything that you enjoy and helps you feel better about yourself. Even a small change can do wonders for your self-esteem and respect.

You also need to work on communicating with your husband. As Artlady said, you can't continue to live in fear of "what if". Talk with him about how you are feeling and how he is feeling. It sounds like he may be as confused and insecure as you are You might look into marriage counseling. If cost is an issue, some clergy offer marriage counseling services for free.

One last thing, you aren't alone.

[Jake2008]

This sounds like a control issue to me.

He has managed to turn you into somebody you aren't, and somebody who isn't comfortable being that person.

You have changed to please him, and like ArtLady said, I the process you have lost yourself.

If he had any insight into this, he would realize that you changing so drastically, is entirely for his benefit.

You pick up all his cues, do as he expects, and he has successfully managed to manipulate you to such an extent, that only his needs are being met.

Having good sex doesn't mean there is a loving, nurturing relationship as you said. Everything outside the bedroom sounds like a script that you follow.

It is abuse of the worst kind. Stealing you, for his gain. He's got it made.

My advice to you is to seek counselling yourself, and speak to a qualified individual who can help you put this in perspective without judging you. Once you have a clearer picture of what you've lost, you will be stronger to know how to regain yourself again.

[jmjoseph]

Never let fear of loss be the motivating factor in your life, love, and heart. Talk to him about HIS shortcomings. He has managed to make you "walk on eggshells", do anything he wants, compromise your thinking, in fear of him leaving you.

Is that fair? NO!

This marriage is in dire need of counseling.

Let him know that things are going to have to change.

He will stop All communication with his ex or else.

What would he do if the table was turned?

He wouldn't like it I'm sure.

Good luck to you.

You must be strong to make these changes.

[runrunrun]

Never let fear of loss be the motivating factor in your life, love, and heart. Talk to him about HIS shortcomings. He has managed to make you "walk on eggshells", do anything he wants, compromise your thinking, in fear of him leaving you.

Is that fair? NO!

This marriage is in dire need of counseling.

Let him know that things are going to have to change.

He will stop All communication with his ex or else.

What would he do if the table was turned?

He wouldn't like it I'm sure.

Good luck to you.

You must be strong to make these changes.

I tried counseling but on my own I only heard that I was like 2 people at the moment.
I looked and gave the impression that I was strong and very sensible so it came as a shock that I didn't dae challenge him.
A few years ago I would have but the thught of having to start again when it is not my choice scared me into submissive behaviour. Maybe that will change with time. I hope it does.
Stopping communication with the X may be a bit harder she has befriended my mothe in law who lost her husband. She is being so kind so as you can imagine this makes things a lot more difficult. Besides she has never really accepted me as she was always keen on this woman. She told me this about 15 years ago. I tried to talk to my husband about this but he walked out. Refuses to talk about anything Affai related.
I do love him always have but I am realistic. I know what is righ and wrong but doing it takes more than courage.
Thank you for all of the great answers from you and others much appreciated.

[jham123]

RunRunRun,

The feeling of being drained, Sad, and incomplete... tell me. Unfortunately I know that one way to well. Betrayed is a great title as well... because after all those years of "Service" (lack of better term) here you are feeling discarded so easily.

What is that saying, "never make someone a priority when they make you an option"?? Something like that.

When you figure out how to get past these feelings let me know... I'll need one of those pills as well.

The only "tactic" my wife responds to is book I read "love must be tough"

I'll keep watching this thread for answers.

[runrunrun]

run, do mind if I ask how old you are?

I can make a guess that you are about 40 years old from the comment about 23 years of marriage. I ask because I am wondering if part of your problems may be very natural and connected to the normal aging process. Have you talked with your gynecologist about (peri)menopause? The hormonal changes alone can cause a mental/emotional melt down.

The infidelity hitting at a normal life cycle change could be a double blow to your mental and emotional well-being.

Is your entire life wrapped around the house and him? Do you work outside the home?

Is there anything that you do just for yourself? Anything at all.

I think it is time to re-learn ways to find 'you' again. Take some time to do something for yourself. Go to the gym. Take a continuing education class. Write stories. Make new friends. Anything that you enjoy and helps you feel better about yourself. Even a small change can do wonders for your self-esteem and respect.

You also need to work on communicating with your husband. As Artlady said, you can't continue to live in fear of "what if". Talk with him about how you are feeling and how he is feeling. It sounds like he may be as confused and insecure as you are You might look into marriage counseling. If cost is an issue, some clergy offer marriage counseling services for free.

One last thing, you aren't alone.

Sorry about taking so long to answer.
I am in my upper 40's and agree that perimenopause messes up our hormones, I just never thought it would get me like this:rolleyes:
I have tried several ways to get back into the mainstream and I am really having to push myself.
The tears are no lnger a problem so at least I don't feel sorry for myself. I run so I have entered a number of 10k races and half marathons. I have also applied for a new job and been to several interviews. In spite of my age at least I am still attractive in the working world.
However, I just can't seem to let go of the hurt and feeling of insecurity. I would never begin with antidepressants even though I do not look down on anybody else for using them. I just want to get through this and hope that one day I will¨be as happy as I once was.
I think deep down I know I am a little naïve and immature but I actually enjoyed that. I just never thought the man I adored had it in him to cheat like this.
Let alone neglect talking about why. To be honest I don't think he knows why I think it was just an urge that got out of hand. Because this is so against what he would normally do I think it became a lot more serious for both of us.
The saddest thing is even though he didn't leave me I think he still carries fond memories and feelings for her in his heart. This makes me feel so jealous and that feeling in turn makes me so angry with myself.
I don't want to be that person and I don't want to have these feelings and worse of all I don't want to lose my husband so this vicious circle just goes round and round.
If I get one of the new positions I have applied for at least I will be travelling away from home. This should give me time to work out if I will ever trust him again or not.
Thank you for your time it is very much valued.

[runrunrun]

This sounds like a control issue to me.

He has managed to turn you into somebody you aren't, and somebody who isn't comfortable being that person.

You have changed to please him, and like ArtLady said, i the process you have lost yourself.

If he had any insight into this, he would realize that you changing so drastically, is entirely for his benefit.

You pick up all his cues, do as he expects, and he has successfully managed to manipulate you to such an extent, that only his needs are being met.

Having good sex doesn't mean there is a loving, nurturing relationship as you said. Everything outside the bedroom sounds like a script that you follow.

It is abuse of the worst kind. Stealing you, for his gain. He's got it made.

My advice to you is to seek counselling yourself, and speak to a qualified individual who can help you put this in perspective without judging you. Once you have a clearer picture of what you've lost, you will be stronger to know how to regain yourself again.

Thank you for your straight and honest answer. I really do appreciate it.
Manipulation is a word I have tried to avoid as it has so many negative implications. However, unfortunately I think you could be correct.
If you met my husband I am sure like many you would think he was quite, sensible and very very nice. Most people through the years have told me how lucky I am... quite crazy isn't it?
Over the past few weeks he has begun to be a little more helpful around the house. But I think something has happened. I believe that he has either stopped communicating with this woman. I should be really happy but the outcome is that he seems to be sadder and very slightly irritable although not directly at me.
Maybe I am just too sensitive and clutching at straws as they say.
Thank you once again.

[runrunrun]

Never let fear of loss be the motivating factor in your life, love, and heart. Talk to him about HIS shortcomings. He has managed to make you "walk on eggshells", do anything he wants, compromise your thinking, in fear of him leaving you.

Is that fair? NO!

This marriage is in dire need of counseling.

Let him know that things are going to have to change.

He will stop All communication with his ex or else.

What would he do if the table was turned?

He wouldn't like it I'm sure.

Good luck to you.

You must be strong to make these changes.

Do you have any good suggestins on how I could approach a conversation without him turning around and walking out of the house for hours.
I have tried and the answer is usually:
"Here we go again i thought all of that was behind us."
" Why do we have to talk about this now"
If I approach anything that involves feelings he will not look at me straight in the eye. He tells me that he feels forced and refuses to be forced into anything.

The result is like you say I walk on eggshells and prefer to keep the peace.
Thank you for your answer like I say to the others I am really appreciative of the answers they really do help.

This is a time of my life that I just can't cope with thinking for myself it seems.

[talaniman]

I think your answer lies in overcoming your own fear, and growing as your own person. You need a plan, not with your husband, but with yourself, to regain the love we all must have for yourself, so you can stand up for yourself, and know what you want. (and what you don't want)

Your husband need not participate in this process, that's up to him, but tell him that's what your going to do for yourself.

I think only after you have gone through the process of making you, and your well being, a bigger priority, will you gain the confidence to have peace, put away the past, and relish into the opportunities of the future.

That's what letting go of the past fears, and insecurities is all about. If you need help with this process, get it.

If your husband wants to help, great, but thats not something you need to depend on, or dwell on. Do this yourself, for yourself.

[jham123]

^^I agree with talaniman but I would add this.

You need to let go of the fantasy of the perfect marriage lasting forever.

You need not look to your Husband for answers or for making your future plans.

One thing that has helped me is I've adopted the simple fact that she is free to go if she chooses.

I've also looked into BPD/NPD personalities. This answered a lot of things for me and it took away the "INVALIDATION" my wife placed upon me.

People are out here that can help you to understand why this occurring to you.

And believe me when I say, you are blindsided and this is most of your reasons you fight so hard to "Get back" with him. It is not Love as much as it is your Core has been shaken, and your need to become validated as a woman again.

The sad truth is that the validation will never come from your Husband

[runrunrun]

RunRunRun,

The feeling of being drained, Sad, and incomplete.....tell me. Unfortunately I know that one way to well. Betrayed is a great title as well....because after all those years of "Service" (lack of better term) here you are feeling discarded so easily.

What is that saying, "never make someone a priority when they make you an option"????? Something like that.

When you figure out how to get past these feelings let me know....I'll need one of those pills as well.

The only "tactic" my wife responds to is book I read "love must be tough"

I'll keep watching this thread for answers.

I am working hard to get past the feelings that were forced upon me.
It is not always easy but to get the best out of life I need to try.
For a year , a whole year I was someone completely different, it was like someone had punched me so hard that the wind and stuffing were knocked out permanently.

When I look back, I never ever looked at my husband as a "good looker" suddenly after the shock I was looking only at the nice features. I was finding his nice points. I was really making him something else. It was if I didn't want to see anything bad or ugly in him... lucky him, you might think... but this is way over the top to be realistic. I was truly caught up in my own fog. There's little wonder he didn't want to leave me. He was suddenly king of his castle and I was the under dog.

Well, I'm coming back to reality and although I will compromise and still treat him well I will also start to treat myself well.
I have come to the point where I need to challenge myself. To accept what has happened is wrong and to become jealous and posessive will also be wrong.
I found out that I need to be able to go away from our home on my own for short trips to be able to find out if I can stand on my own two feet.
I need to stop trying to find out if he is doing anything wrong... if he is I won't be able to stop him anyway. If he is woman's intuition will tell me eventually anyway.
I need to become more attractive to him again, I need to become a challenge, if I cannot give him this then maybe we are not right to continue this life together. I hope we are and I hope I lose this fear of losing him one day.
Most of all I long to love life again. I miss smiling and laughing.

[runrunrun]

^^I agree with talaniman but I would add this.

You need to let go of the fantasy of the perfect marriage lasting forever.

You need not look to your Husband for answers or for making your future plans.

One thing that has helped me is I've adopted the simple fact that she is free to go if she chooses.

I've also looked into BPD/NPD personalities. This answered a lot of things for me and it took away the "INVALIDATION" my wife placed upon me.

People are out here that can help you to understand why this occuring to you.

And believe me when I say, you are blindsided and this is most of your reasons why you fight so hard to "Get back" with him. It is not Love as much as it is your Core has been shaken, and your need to become validated as a woman again.

The sad truth is that the validation will never come from your Husband

You arer so correct, the problem is in this situation is that it takes forever to get to the point where you feel like you have the energy to do anything.
I am getting there, I think that by approaching this site was my first real challenge. Just daring to put anything on "paper" to see what I really felt was a big step. Getting so many answers, I didn't expect and believe me what a weight it takes from your shoulders.
Today I am going for an interview for a new job. This is well thought through and I believe a change will be good for me. I am not running away from everything. Instead I am hoping for something that will help my brain to be constructive instead of destructive:o
In other words my emotional supply is bankrupt I can't go there anymore if I want to stay sane. By the way what is BPD/NPD?

[runrunrun]

I think your answer lies in overcoming your own fear, and growing as your own person. You need a plan, not with your husband, but with yourself, to regain the love we all must have for yourself, so you can stand up for yourself, and know what you want. (and what you don't want)

Your husband need not participate in this process, thats up to him, but tell him thats what your going to do for yourself.

I think only after you have gone thru the process of making you, and your well being, a bigger priority, will you gain the confidence to have peace, put away the past, and relish into the opportunities of the future.

Thats what letting go of the past fears, and insecurities is all about. If you need help with this process, get it.

If your husband wants to help, great, but thats not something you need to depend on, or dwell on. Do this yourself, for yourself.

You are so right, the insecurities that are brought on are completely true. Then the ball starts rolling and you pick up a few more. How unnatractive must this be?
Jeeso I have never really thought of it like this... The strange thing is as much as I feel that I need him I don't want his help to get through this, don't ask me to explain that I just can't. Right now, I wouldn't want t o sit in counseling and hear his point of view. I think that before that can happen he would need to tidy up his compartamentilisation because in those rooms are bundles of crap. He really believes that I was to blame for him straying. I don't want to hear that again! I don't want to go back to those accusations they were too painful. Telling me that we had nothing to build on after 23 of marriage was so so so wrong. The only thing that was good to him was the Other woman. I need him to see her faults before I could get anywhere with his feelings on an honest level. I'm sure that time will come. One day!

[Cat1864]

You are so right, the insecurities that are brought on are completely true. Then the ball starts rolling and you pick up a few more. How unnatractive must this be?
Jeeso i have never really thought of it like this................The strange thing is as much as i feel that i need him i don't want his help to get through this, don't ask me to explain that i just can't. Right now, i wouldn't want t o sit in councelling and hear his point of view. I think that before that can happen he would need to tidy up his compartamentilisation because in those rooms are bundles of crap. He really believes that i was to blame for him straying. I don't want to hear that again! I don't want to go back to those accusations they were too painful. Telling me that we had nothing to build on after 23 of marriage was so so so wrong. The only thing that was good to him was the Other woman. I need him to see her faults before i could get anywhere with his feelings on an honest level. I'm sure that time will come. One day!

I think you are right in wanting to rebuild your self-esteem by yourself. I don't think you would trust your progress if he was a larger part of it.

[jham123]

You arer so correct, the problem is in this situation is that it takes forever to get to the point where you feel like you have the energy to do anything.
I am getting there, i think that by approaching this site was my first real challenge. Just daring to put anything on "paper" to see what i really felt was a big step. Getting so many answers, i didn't expect and believe me what a weight it takes from your shoulders.
Today i am going for an interview for a new job. This is well thought through and i believe a change will be good for me. I am not running away from everything. Instead i am hoping for something that will help my brain to be constructive instead of destructive:o
In other words my emotional supply is bankrupt i can't go there anymore if i want to stay sane. by the way what is BPD/NPD?

Weight on your Shoulders... Let's just say the power that you have "allowed" him to have over you is the weight. Your Gut is telling you that there is something not quite right about your situation.

Let me ask you this, from an early age in your tweens, I'm sure you always told yourself that if someone cheated you'd leave them immediately. Now fast forward to today, and that scenario plays out and you allowed him to blame you for it... and you accepted it and stayed... would this explain that weight?

BPD/NPD Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Learn about the characteristics of these disorders, whether your Husband has them a little or a lot or not at all, it still may explain a lot of behaviors perpetrated upon you by Him and with the knowledge comes strength and again "Validation" as a woman rather than a failure...