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talaniman · Feb 6, 2010, 09:10 AM

You can look at this another way also, that you ran into your ex and didn't do anything to make you feel foolish afterward. That in itself is a major victory. You were cool, even at the drunken intrusion of her friend. Again another major victory, and a sure sign of maturing coping skills.

Maybe we can't help the comparison thoughts, but they are yours to cope with. As long as your attitude is gratitude for what you do have, you will never be jealous or envious of what another has, or has accomplished. Remember that always, be grateful for what you have now, it could be much worse, and if you want more, get busy.

I think your on a good path so far. Keep it up.

A4Effort · Feb 6, 2010, 09:53 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You can look at this another way also, that you ran into your ex and didn't do anything to make you feel foolish afterward. That in itself is a major victory. You were cool, even at the drunken intrusion of her friend. Again another major victory, and a sure sign of maturing coping skills.

Maybe we can't help the comparison thoughts, but they are yours to cope with. As long as your attitude is gratitude for what you do have, you will never be jealous or envious of what another has, or has accomplished. Remember that always, be grateful for what you have now, it could be much worse, and if you want more, get busy.

I think your on a good path so far. Keep it up.

Thank you tal and I completely agree. I am just wondering when these reactions will stop. They are so strong now, every time something happens with the ex. I know with time and NC they will calm down but they really do affect me. Its so hard when everything is somehow connected to her. My friends, activities, and work are all connected with her in one way or another. She keeps popping up and I keep reacting.

talaniman · Feb 6, 2010, 10:20 AM

Time and experience are your teachers. Unfortunately, they can't be rushed. Where I have had a lifetime, and its easier, you have not, and so I can only tell you to be patient, and keep your attitude correct.

"But time flies when your having fun."

This has been a theme ever since I got dumped by my first girlfriend and learned that living a life that I enjoyed made me happy, attractive, and hardly had time to dwell, or wonder what if, or why me.

Don't get me wrong, as its not always fun, but after seeing how bad it could really be, you tend to be grateful you can get through it, and over time you gain confidence through accomplishment.

Its the doing when things are less than perfect that gives you that confidence.

Plus I have a lot of experience not only with rejection, but in being DUMPED. Neither is a big deal. But the first few times really suck, because you don't know what to do, but you learn a lot about yourself, and how you deal with things that don't go your way.

A4Effort · Feb 6, 2010, 10:58 AM

I just need to keep telling myself the negative aspects of our relationship because I keep thinking that our relationship was a dream when in reality it wasn't. We did fight. We did compete with each other on an unhealthy level. We did have differences. She could not be committed to me. She wanted certain things out of me that I could not give her. She is probably happier now too because she may have found someone who matches her better. Hopefully one day I will find that person who will match me. Until then I need to stay focused and keep trucking along.

A4Effort · Feb 9, 2010, 01:38 PM

It's funny how things are. Today I went to my botany lab (I know botany, I need to fill my requirement) and talked to my lab partner. It turns out that my lab partner works in the same psychology lab as my ex. She told how my ex talked about our breakup an how she said that she did not want to date the same guy all throughout college. She wanted to see what else is out there.

When I heard that my emotions immediately changed. I was unable to control them. I immedialty atarte thinking that I was just being used and it made me feel cheap. I also became angry at the fact that she came back to me an did it again to me.

I am fine now, the feelings have almost all gone away but I just keep finding out all this information that I do not want to know.

amicon · Feb 9, 2010, 01:44 PM

You should tell all these people that you are not interested in hearing the gossip.
That's not being rude,that's protecting yourself.

A4Effort · Feb 9, 2010, 01:53 PM

I realize that I am only mad at one thing and one thing only. I am angry at the fact that she did it twice to me. How can a person do something like this twice when I clearly stated that I did not want her back if she was going to have the same feelings?

How do I deal with this and work through the anger?

jmw0713 · Feb 22, 2010, 08:10 AM

Through physical activity or some other type of outlet (writing, hobbies, etc). I found that playing sports and exercising really helped me control any anger I felt.

talaniman · Feb 22, 2010, 08:36 AM

Sorry guy, the first time was her fault, anything after that is yours.

A4Effort · Feb 22, 2010, 10:22 AM

Yeah I have come to realize that too now.
Things have been good lately which I am very happy about. The only place I see her is web I go over to see some common friends. I was at a party this weekend and she showed up. I ignored her and did not initiate any conversation with her. I focused my time on my friends and she saw me having a great time. She initiated contact by asking how I was. I just kept it short and returned to having fun. She didn't mingle with anyone and just kind of sat there awekwardly before she left. I. Felt really good at how I handeled the situation. Also I had a moment of realization. I realized that if I was still with her, I would not be having the same
Amount offun because I would have had to spend my time with her instead of flirting with girls and hanging out with my friends. I really enjoyed the freedom. I also enjoyed the fact that I did not become sad after seeing her or get any major reactions to her being there. Time has helped for sure and I feel I am almost at the end of the recovery road. Life is good.

A4Effort · Jun 20, 2010, 07:19 AM

Hello everyone!!
Its been a few months since I last checked in so I thought I would stop by and let you all know how I am doing.

I am still single and I love it. I had a few opportunities for possible relationships but I did not want to get involved in anything serious because I have been enjoying my single time. I have been very occupied with my life for once. It feels good to be able to make plans without ever having to keep your partner in mind. No compromising needed.

I am very busy with martial arts, work, summer class, and an internship. I have been hanging out with friends and just having a good time overall. I can see now what everyone was telling me about taking some time to myself and learning how to be alone. As I look back I cannot believe some of my behavior and my irrational emotions. It was a big learning experience and I have grown much as a person.

Now, I will not lie. Once in a while I will become sad and remember the good times. But I have learned to acknowledge the emotions when they happen and worked through them quickly so I can move on with my day. We still see each other once in a while. We had lunch once and talked a few times at a party. We both still show a lot respect for each other and have learned to become distant friends. She has a boyfriend now that she is happy with.

So to everyone with a broken heart. It does get better with time. Enjoy life and take your time to heal. Hope everyone is doing well. Thank you again to all those who helped.

talaniman · Jun 20, 2010, 10:52 AM

I am besides myself with your very positive update, it's a great Fathers Day gift I can cherish because I love good endings.

amicon · Jun 20, 2010, 12:07 PM

Great news. And that's the way life goes.
All the best to you and good luck!

pandead · Jun 20, 2010, 02:31 PM

It's even a better ending than "I found someone else I am now happy with"! Now that I am here more often, I get used to see the same names on posts, then some just disappear for a while (like I did) and come back when they make "mistakes" on the way (just like I did, hehe) it's rare to have news like this one and we are all proud of you :)

Thanks for the update, it gives me (and plenty of others I'm sure) hope and inspiration! Thank you!

BWK10 · Jun 20, 2010, 04:38 PM

I read your story, very similar to what I am going through now. I'm glad to hear you're doing well, and everything is going good for you. I hope soon I can get to where you are at.

A4Effort · Jun 23, 2010, 08:21 PM

I am so busy with life that I rarely now have the opportunity to go online but I please do not hesitate to ask me questions regarding my experience and I will gladly help as much as I can. This place has helped a lot and I have learned much about relationships.

Since I am a psychology major I have involved myself into reading about positive psychology (motivation, attitudes, etc... ) It feels corny to say but I read motivational books, listen to motivational cd's, read books on attitudes, positivity and in general try to have a positive outlook. It has worked wonders for my confidence and happiness.

Something_Here · Jun 27, 2010, 02:49 PM

Any books/CD's or whatever you would like to recommend?

A4Effort · Jul 3, 2010, 11:03 AM

Originally Posted by Something_Here

Any books/CD's or whatever you would like to recommend?

Yes, look up Zig Ziglar. He is a great motivational speaker and has written "See You at the Top." He also has his own website and podcast. He is very old school and preaches some Christian values. Now I am not very religious and I still get a lot from his talks and books. Another great book is Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson. Finally there is a book called Excellence. I cannot remember the authors name but I will let you know once I figure it out.