[adam_89]

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow, I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, ball games.
Always something more important to me.

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.

When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said,
"you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, someday

[Cat1864]

Memories only, like child birth, you forget the pain after a while.:D

Until the next one. :(

[justcurious55]

Hahaha

[adam_89]

Last month, I had an exceptionally good month. So, I get to work thinkin', there's no way I can pull it off another month. I mean, I was on two and three DWI nights last month, and I was thinking that it wasn't going to happen again this month, there's no way. July was a fluke.

And then I end up arresting two DWI's tonight. August is off to a great start! One night, 7 tickets, two DWI's, and a speeder excuse I've never heard. The guy just looked at me, after I stopped him for doing 65 in a 35, and says, "I gotta sh!t ." Good one.

[adam_89]

Glad someone liked it.

[adam_89]

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old
> woman was the talk of the town. After being married a
> year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their
> first child.
>
> The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to
> congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing.
> How do you do it at your age?'
>
> The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old
> motor running.'
>
> The following year, the couple returned to the hospital
> for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was
> attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate
> the old gentleman.
>
> She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you
> manage it?'
>
> The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old
> motor running.'
>
> A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth
> of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth
> also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the
> old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something
> else! How do you do it?'
>
> The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you got to keep
> the old motor running.'
>
> The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
>
> Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

[adam_89]

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

[Clough]

Hey, those were good, adam_89! :)

Thanks!

[ohsohappy]

Oh gosh! This made my day!

[0rphan]

For a moment there I thought you were posing a serious situation... 80 year old with a 20 year old.

Just about to give my view on such a situation when I arrived at the bottom of your post... ok you got me, hook line and sinker.

[justcurious55]

You're totally making my day! Keep 'em coming! :)

[ZoeMarie]

Love it!

[adam_89]

Thanks. I'm glad you are liking them. Sorry if some are bad. I am just posting here and there the ones that make me laugh.

[Clough]

Hi, All!

See now? As soon as the word "sex" is inculded in the title, EVERYBODY hops on board!

Thanks!

[adam_89]

Haha. Yea, that would be a sticky situation to be in.

It's even funnier that it got you

[ohsohappy]

Hi, All!

See now? As soon as the word "sex" is inculded in the title, EVERYBODY hops on board!

Thanks!

Haha yep, people are really perverted. :)

[adam_89]

Yea, out of all the jokes I have posted in the past couple of days this one has gotten the most recognition.

[ohsohappy]

Yea, out of all the jokes I have posted in the past couple of days this one has gotten the most recognition.

Says a lot about people. HAHA.

You could use it as a psychology or sociology study.

[adam_89]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

"Geez Bob, you picked up a real b!tch this time."

Bob's funeral will be on Friday

[adam_89]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink.

While he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it into his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole!

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, What?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table.....WHOLE!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, " replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight. The little bastard. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar, grabs it, sticks it up it's butt, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, What?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, " replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first!